A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Could do with some insight here into my situation. I call it a situation because it is not nor never has been a relationship. and my female friends and male friends are offering conflicting advice. so I really am lost.I have a long-term friend who I've known for almost 30 years. he is a family friend.we had stayed in touch over the years on and off and had never crossed that line into anything else, despite his flirting occasionally.We both had other relationships, he was married, we both had children.Last year I found out he'd divorced and wanted to know how he was.our friendship grew again and we kept in touch daily. eventually we decided to meet. and I don't need to say what happened. we hit off in every way. something had always been there and it smacked us right in the face.I didn't want anything too serious so we just decided to meet up as and when.and we kept it between us. I felt no need to let my family know as it wasn't serious.Over the next 2 or 3 weeks, after meeting 4 or 5 times he said he'd always had feelings for me.I was taken aback and didnot reciprocate.after a week of mulling it over I realised I felt the same and made my feelings known.I wish I hadn't. I don't know.He again maintained he had feelings, but felt we were progressing into something he couldn't handle.due to still tying up loose ends from his divorce.He didn't want to hurt me and felt pressured.I apologised for any pressure, even unintentional.he didn't want me to be sorry he wanted me to be more understanding.This happned 3 months ago and I'v heard nothing since. I tried to reach out a couple times.wanting to know he's ok.but nothing ever came back.Some of my friends say I was used. He had his cake.some others tell me he's actually a decent guy and he's doing the right thing not dragging me into his mess.all fair points if I'm honest but it's the no contact that hurts.him not feeling like he can talk to me.I feel neglected and unsure of what my next move is.wait? Or let it go?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 It sounds to me like he lusted after you for years. He got what he wanted then he dropped the bombshell that he did not want to drag you in to his mess. But he did drag you in to his mess the moment you and him got together as more than friends. I understand that you want to see the best in him. Really I do, but it is clear that he just got what he always wanted and now he has ghosted you. I am sorry that this has happened.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): For what it's worth I think that even if you hadn't declared your feelings for this man he would have ended it sooner rather than later. I'm in your age group and have seen this scenario play out a lot. I'm guessing his feelings didn't go much above the waist given that he feel "pressured" by your feelings after all he supposedly felt the same so why wasn't he pleased? He's been divorced for a year or more so how "messy" is it and what "loose ends" are there now? He wanted you to be understanding of what? The fact he was going to drift in and out of your life as it suited him? It's reasonable to think that he would have continued to stay in contact with you and slowed things down, even if it was too much for him to have a relationship just now, but no, he disappeared.If I were you I wouldn't contact him again as you've reached out a few times and he's ignored you. You don't want to come across as needy. If he does get in contact I'd be very wary of his motives.I came back on the market in my forties and discovered that many, many available men in my age group were not looking for anything more than sowing their oats again. Of course few are upfront about this because they know most women tend to hold back until there is a likelihood of something more long lasting. Eventually I met someone on my wavelength but beware of those who will say one thing and do another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): Im always intrigued by the fact that he was a family friend.
Considering you both had families with other people I am assuming him to be a friend of your former partner.
During those days you would have both presented that you were charming, desirable and unobtainable.
But then you discovered that he was divorced and presumably you gleaned this bit of info after hearing about the break up of his marriage.
Perhaps he had a lot of women offering to comfort him during his lonely nights if indeed they were lonely.
He may have already been in a relationship rather than at a loose end as he clearly was charming to all women he was acquainted with.
Perhaps it is a lesson we should all endorse: being friendly and flirtatious to everyone of the opposite sex in case the day arises when we are free enough to partak of the physical.
Flossing teeth comes into that category because we all may need the charm of our smile now and again.
But this is a very ambiguous situation that harps back to the past, those golden days when you were both otherwise committed elsewhere and it may be that this is a remenisence affair rather than one that moves comfortably forwards!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 November 2016):
 ...If he had not wanted to drag you into his "mess ", - he should have not accepted or suggested to meet up and should have not started something physical/ romantic with you. He could have just kept it at platonic friendship level. Even if there actually were lingering old feelings ( which, btw, is doubtful, seen how he behaved , but never mind ).One does not HAVE to act on his/her feelings if he/she is aware of being a place in life where acting out these feelings is inappropriate/ complicated / detrimental / messy.
So yes, you got played. Definitely, let it go.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 November 2016):
 I strongly believe life is all about timing. I believe long term relationships happen when two people meet who are at that same stage of life, both looking for such stability - sadly not always the best reason to get into a relationship and not always the best choices, but that is a separate matter.
Your friend has been honest. It was too soon for him to get into another heavy relationship. He was probably still hurting from his divorce (from what, we assume, was a long term marriage), and was not yet at a stage in life where he felt capable of committing to another relationship. He tried with you (possibly to distract himself from the pain he was feeling), then realized he was out of his depth.
In your shoes I would contact him one last time, something along the lines of "Hi. Hope you are ok. I understand you are struggling with things at the moment but just wanted to let you know I am here for you. I feel sad you seem to have cut me out of your life at the moment and won't contact you again, not because I don't care but because I don't want to add pressure to your life. However, just wanted you to know I will be happy to hear from you when/if you ever want to make contact again. Take care of yourself. Your friend, xxxx.
Then draw a line under the whole episode and get on with your life. It is possible he will never contact you again (possibly due to feelings of guilt about the way he treated you, or because he will meet someone else, or a thousand other reasons). Or he may contact you when he is ready. Nobody knows, so don't put your life on hold on the off-chance. You have been a good friend to him, now be a good friend to yourself.
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A
male
reader, WickedPoet +, writes (27 November 2016):
 Let it go. It actually seems to me that you both were conflicted, not surprising in such a long relationship. You initiated the contact after you heard he was divorcing but then decided to actually meet. I am not sure what resulted from these encounters but apparently it was enough that he confessed his feelings for you. After you thought about it for a week you reciprocated, to your regret. I understand that. I think you just were each at an emotional intersection where you briefly needed each other. But I think he didn't want a rebound relationship with someone he counted on for so long. So, while I can see the argument that you were lied to and manipulated, because of your long relationship as friends I see something else. I see two people who found some relief and some release but are actually better as friends who listen and understand each other than as a couple who briefly mistook lust for something else. It is just something that happened. Try to see it as a moment that apparently you each needed at that time but then put it in its place and move forward. Don't wait for him to break no contact while you feel neglected. He needs to heal and learn whatever lessons he can from the dissolution of his marriage. Only then will you be able to decide if this is someone you want as a friend. Use the time to grow and make yourself happy. Because of the very long relationship I just see two people who together made the same mistake.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (27 November 2016):
 This is a no brainer! Let it go and treat him like you would a closed chapter.
I fail to understand people who play these games... One moment he said he likes you then the next moment he changes his mind. This reminds me of schoolyard romances and not the kind of behavior you expect from a 40 year old. He said he felt "pressured". Pressured into doing what?! He was there one who initiated it in the first place and then he accused you of putting pressure on him for wanting a relationship!
This isn't a man who you want to be with. He's unreliable, you can't depend on him for anything, he's selfish, he doesn't care about you at all and worst of all, he's a liar. He said he had feelings for you and yet ran for the hills when you reciprocated. And now he's gone incognito. From having feelings to completely vanishing without a trace, you can see clearly what you meant to him.
At the risk of sounding harsh, I don't agree with your friends at all. They're just trying to soften the blow for you when in reality, the truth is that he just didn't want to be with you. If a guy wants to be with you, nothing or no one can stop him. He'll go out of his way to charm you, date you, woo you. There's no such thing as, "he got intimidated and chickened out", or "you're too good for him and he couldn't handle that" or that "he's still trying to deal with his divorce". These are just excuses that we give ourselves to feel better.
All said and done, don't contact him. Move on. There are better men out there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2016): I don't understand what his problem is? You both enjoy meeting each other.....no pressure and then he's the one that brings up the subject of feelings. You have a think and add your bit to the conversation and all of a sudden he's all precious about it and feels pressured?
He led you down the path to this conversation. You're very decent and apologise for not knowing you had to walk on eggshells, not knowing that he's allowed to talk, but you're not....
And then he IGNORES YOU ??!!
If he is suddenly a considerate man and doesn't want to drag you into his mess, he would answer you and explain that to you....if he was decent.
If he was decent and didn't want to drag you into his mess, he wouldn't have met you numerous times, had sex with you and talked about feelings with you.
To me, he sounds the very opposite of decent.
I don't think you have a next move. You've got in touch a couple of times and he's ignored that. What else can you do? Keep on texting and texting or calling?
If it was me, I would leave it and wait and see if he gets in touch if that's what you want him to do. If he doesn't there's your answer. If he does, I'd be worried for you. He sounds horrible.
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (27 November 2016):
Let go .. did you both become physical during these meets ? Sorry don't mean to pry .. If he felt he couldn't offer more he should have not taken that step . He then says he feels something after it to test the water.. If you had said well no I'm just taking it as it is and haven't thought about feelings maybe he would still be in touch .. I think your admittial which was what he was after was like the icing on the cake . He thought oo no I'm going to get hooked into something so he had completely shut you out .
Friends don't do that ...
People with respect for others don't do that
They says look it's too soon if you can handle being friends let's go back a step as he can ..In fact he can cut full contact and it's no worry .. If would and should have been your call ..
Of course he kinda knew you had feelings ..did he take advantage .. no you consented .. did he game it his way .. Most definitely. .
Is he a good guy .. hmm hard to say but by what you've put I would say he needs to work on how he treats other people .
His behaviour and attitude stink
But that's my opinion only ..
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (27 November 2016):
Let go .. did you both become physical during these meets ? Sorry don't mean to pry .. If he felt he couldn't offer more he should have not taken that step . He then says he feels something after it to test the water.. If you had said well no I'm just taking it as it is and haven't thought about feelings maybe he would still be in touch
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