A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm late 20's and never had a girlfriend and don't think I'll ever have one. When I was a child I was often called ugly by girls, this made me resent them, and I never so much as bothered try to talk to a female about going on a date.During my teenage years I rarely left the house accept for school, I barely washed because I was depressed, and I often looked down on the floor to hide my face.I no longer view myself as ugly, I'd say I'm average looking, but my reason for not going on a date now is because, how do you tell someone you've never had a GF before at 28? I also have a personality disorder, which freaks people out and I was in medication recently. The few times I have had sex was with prostitutes and that was just so I never became a 40 year old virgin. I have no job, because I never bothered with grades, I was too depressed, and refused to work in case people got to know me and attacked my appearence or spoke about me behind my back. Now I want to work but the problem is, lack of work experience, so it's hard going.I am a loner, I hate being this way but humans isolated me first, I tried to fit in and was mocked. I don't trust anybody, no matter how friendly they appear, I think they're out to screw me over. I only leave the house to get food or a haircut, I went clubbing a few times in my early 20's but never enjoyed it, I found it boring and was anticipating being attacked.The things I like to do cost too much money, so my life is boring and pointless and I feel totally lost in this world.It's a torture seeing couples together, I never had this, and I may never have it because I have way too much baggage don't I?
View related questions:
clubbing, depressed, money, never had a girlfriend, prostitute Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): I'm doing a doctorate in psychology and although you don't specify what your personality disorder is, so I can't be sure if this applies, I think a lot of "disorders" are classified wrongly and in fact are merely natural variation. You shouldn't get too hung up on these labels.With women - my brother is 29 and is just recently beginning to go on his first dates with a woman. She's lovely and doesn't mind at all that he hasn't had a girlfriend before. People's aim once out of their teen years isn't to make themselves feel better by putting others down. They are much more accepting of others. People also don't always exchange relationship histories until they've been together for quite a long time - say a year or so - so if you don't want to talk about it with a woman, you don't have to until you know her well and are comfortable.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): I am 21 years old and never had a girlfriend either. I found this one amazing and beautiful girl, and I opened up to her and told her, and she is absolutely fine with it. If anything, she really likes the thought of being my first true love. I had been so alone my whole life, but now I have hope and I believe in myself. I always thought girls just wanted jerks and assholes, and a nice guy like me would always be alone. You just need to have faith in yourself and dont be afraid. Go out there, live your life to the fullest, and dont hold back. When you find a truly wonderful girl like you deserve, she will respect you and understand you, and you wont be alone any longer.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): Hi, thanks for the replies everyone, I am the thread starter.Just thought I'd say that I don't think it's looks that hold me back anymore. I think my looks aren't too bad, I seem to have looked a bit better as I've got older. The problem I have is I never liked my looks when I was younger, and because of it hid away, and that has taken away a big chunk of my life. The truth, I know people are trying to be nice, but women really do think it's odd if you have never been in a relationship before at 28. It would put a lot off, I know it would, and this is partly because of the personality disorder I have (I have been diagnosed with one and possibly have more then one), which is another reason to put someone off, and lack of money is another reason. I have so much baggage it's not worth going into. I can only hope that I can meet someone who has a personality disorder like myself. I think it's impossible for me to be with a normal person, they'd never want to be with me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): No expert on the straight dating-and-mating process, but I'm always struck by the fact that when women are asked what they find attractive in a man, one word crops up over and over and over again. Confidence.
Which, in its own way, seems as unfair as if they'd identified 'money' or 'good looks' as the main quality they're looking for. It stands to reason that the most confident men are the ones who have already had quite a degree of success with women. That's probably how they became 'confident' in the first place. It also stands to reason that lack of success breeds lack of confidence, and so on, a vicious circle.
A rich successful man who looks like a film star is obviously going to be more confident than someone who's been battered by the ugly stick and hasn't got two cents to rub together. His appeal will then be explained by women as being a direct result of his 'confidence', as if this was an entirely accidental personality trait wholly unrelated to all the other things he has going in his favour.
I don't mean to imply for a minute that women are shallow, gold-diggers or motivated by looks, any more than men are. The reverse obviously applies too, men prefer good-looking confident women. But the point is, happiness itself is attractive. The good-looking confident guy, on balance, will likely be able to make pleasant, relaxed conversation with women far more easily than his less attractive counterpart, who's substantially more likely to find the conversation difficult and awkward. Hence, he won't be as enjoyable to talk to, so his chances of success are reduced even further.
Since men can't really do a whole lot about the way they look (apart from trannies, who can work on perfecting it for hours!) you're likely going to have to rely on your personality. You mention a 'personality disorder' - has this been diagnosed, has your medication worked? You mention being unable to trust people because 'no matter how friendly they appear, I think they're out to screw me over.' HONESTLY, man, I can assure you thats not true. Let go, trust a little, and you might be amazed how much you're rewarded.
As far as the girls, all you can do (and I'm NO expert on 'pulling' girls because I prefer men, but I hang around with them a lot, 'girl talk' with them a lot and am privy to the way they explain how a man gives them that melting feeling) is present yourself as best you can, relax as much as possible, be genuine and honest, and hope for the best.
And I know the last thing you need to hear is clueless 'Oh, you're bound to meet someone eventually' advice - the equivalent of telling a chronic depressive to just 'cheer up', and undoubtedly downright annoying for someone in your position. At 28, I think you do need to be prepared for the worst case (repeated rejection and being single for ever) and happy enough in your life to value your other consolations - music, movies, sport, books, art, whatever your passions are. They don't all cost that much money.
I hope things get better for you. All the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Discostu333 +, writes (3 September 2009):
You sound like a really decent guy and the good thing is you have identified your problems which I personally feel is the hardest part. I had pretty much the same problems as you when I was younger i.e. struggled with girls, felt that I was ugly because of a few mean comments when I was younger, isolated myself from the majority of my peer group through high school and had a few failed relationships with girls who weren't right for me in my late teens. I too suffered from mental health issues (depression) and I still do to some extent, but I managed to drag myself through college, started taking life coaching courses and tried to get outside and do as much with my life as I could and I've never looked back to those dark days.
The big issue for me was women as well. I always thought about sex / having a g/f and thought that this was the most important thing in life so i put all my eggs in one basket and went solely after this and got very hurt on a number of occasions. Now i realise that girls are not the centre of the universe and the wierd twisted thing is that once you stop bothering looking for a relationship and get on and enjoy life in other ways, time and time again girls end up coming to you. I've had girls tell me that they are more attracted to guys who aren't desperate and are passionate and confident in themselves and I think this is the one single universal thing to always remember. Concentrate on getting yourself out of the black hole (you will) and good things will follow!
...............................
A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (3 September 2009):
 I don't find it that odd that you're 28 and havent had a relationship, and could deal with your past - i think you'd find many women who would sympathise, or have had the same experiences themselves!
You are definitely not destined to be single forever, and i wouldnt recommend changing yourself just to please a women. However i would suggest that maybe going back to get an education/job would help you to feel more confident about yourself.
If the things you enjoy are expensive, a job would certainly help on this front aswell! But you could also start looking for cheaper alternatives to the things you enjoy - again, helping you to feel more fulfilled in yourself, and you are more likely to find someone with similar interests if you branch out a bit more :)
I understand your trust issues, and this is something you need to overcome if you have decided you do want an intimate relationship with somebody - paranoia will only push them away. Again, i think the key is to find confidence in yourself, and enjoy your own company - once this is achieved it is much easier to open up with somebody else, without the uncertainty, that you are doing something wrong. Some people just arent compatible - dont let a few bad experiences bring down your confidence :)
Good luck, i hope things work out for you! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Ok, I don't necessarily agree with the people that say to concentrate on a job now, and girls later. Part of his problem is that he has been too isolated from social relationships. I think you do need to find yourself, know yourself, find out who you are and what you value. The more solid definition you have of yourself, and the more skills and experiences you do gain in life, the more your self esteem will improve. But I think that for *your* self esteem to improve you need social interaction, so you should get a job where you work with public.Also, don't worry about your looks. Unless you're elephant man, trust me on this one, there is someone out there for everyone....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): I kind of agree with Bunny.
Since you seem to have a lot on your plate, and you don't really like going out to places like clubs (and bars?) maybe you should try a little bit of online interaction?
You don't really need to get into a full fledged internet relationship, but it is a good way to get the feel for a relationship.
And don't worry, a lot of girls actually feel more comfortable with a guy who is inexpierenced. It makes them feel a little more secure knowing they won't be judged by how your ex's were and whatnot. So don't worry about that.
If you're really looking for a girl to relate to enough to talk to, I'd say you should make the effort to hang out at a place you like. Say, if you like video games, maybe hang out at a videogame store, or work at one, and see what happens. Finding a girl who likes the same things as you is the easiest way to start something.
My bofyriend is 22 and I'm his first. He's really shy, lazy, and plays video games all the time, and I still love him. It's not as impossible as it seems, you just have to find the right girl who will accept you.
...............................
A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (3 September 2009):
First thing you need to do is to have a more positive attitude. Without a positive attitude and hope, even easy things start to look impossible. A positive attitude is not everything, but without it everything else is difficult to impossible. It's never to late to change your life around. And believe me, you are so not alone in the type of experience you have just described. First you must have self confidence, and let go of some of that resentment which puts up a wall between you and everybody before they even have a chance to hurt you. Relationships are give and take, yes you must be cautious, yes many people out there only out for themselves, but also many others out there who want to play fair in a relationship, for the reward of having real love. You must realize before you can have a relationship to be ready for the give and take. Oh, and about telling a girl you never had a girlfriend before, an intelligent one will have sympathy for what you've been through.
...............................
A
female
reader, CupidGirl826 +, writes (3 September 2009):
Hey man,
I read all your post.
First thing, you're not ready for a relationship.
You need to have shzz going on in your life before jumping into a relationship. You need to work on yourself.
You need to get some confidence, determination, and ambition.
Whether you paid attention to grades or not, you need to try to go back to school. Do you have a HS Diploma, or can you go back to earn your GED?
Then you need to enroll in a community college program, maybe like a certificate in something, a 1-year option, etc. You need a skill.
As you start doing more positive things in your life, you'll be more confident, driven. You'll have a more positive attitude.
Apparently, you feel the way you look it holds you back. Well the truth is, everyone in the world wishes they can change something about themselves. Confidence is acceptance and humility. Accept yourself for who you are and working with what you have. Wear clean clothes, shower, and keep a clean shave - there's not a lot guys can do, lol.
On looks, always remember it can be worse. If you have bad acne, think of the people that have to go through life with burn scars on their face(even young kids have these). If you wear glasses, hey, some people are blind in the world. If your nose is too big, Michael Jackson didn't even have one. If you're not 6 foot, at least you're not 5 foot.
And on being paranoid, if you were a woman, sure - you'd have a lot more to fear in the world. But as a man, you'll be okay, no one is going to follow you home, rape you, etc.
If your vibe is negative and depressed people will perceive you that way, try to smile a bit more. And if you don't have a great smile, lol, some people don't have teeth. Just work with what you've got. There is always someone out there more worse off than you.
...............................
A
female
reader, L*  +, writes (3 September 2009):
why don't you make a bit of an effort and try to get your life on track? Start by looking after yourself more. As you said, you're average looking so I'm sure you could look much better if you try to look after yourself more (exercise, buy new clothes, eat healthily etc) and try to find a job (any job would do for now; if you start working and you're unhappy with your job you can start looking for a new one but at least you'd have a job which can keep your mind busy).
don't think too much about girls and relationships. I think that you have other things (more important) to take care of at this point, mainly finding a job and enjoying life...love will come later. Good Luck.
...............................
|
