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female
age
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anonymous
writes:Hello. My 24 year old daughter is having an affair with a 30 year old married man. It has been going on, correspondence/physical since the end of 2008. Before he was deployed to Iraq, she got pregnant and soon will be giving birth to his son. She has distanced herself from our family and has moved two hours away from us. He has promised to take care of the child financially and visit when he can (he had a deadbeat father) says he is in love with her, but has yet to tell his wife about all of this. My daughter claims that this man and his wife aren't happy together. That the wife doesn't please him sexually or give him affection, that she is lazy, doesn't help him, doesn't correspond much, yet has no problem spending his hard earned money. She wants him to leave his wife, but he says he can't leave because of his two little girls. With two small children, that man isn't going anywhere! I am so ashamed, upset and disappointed in my daughter's behavior, and do not condone it whatsoever. I did not raise my three girls and two boys to be home wreckers. I see a terrible ending to all of this drama. I need a little advice on how I should approach this situation. It has previously failed due to me being so upset and my daughter not caring what I or anybody else thinks and being very defensive. I was so close to my daughter and I miss her. I want her to come back home, she is alone right now, to try to sort this out and end this relationship. I just need to get this off my chest...I've been very stressed out over this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who offered their advice, it really helped. I'll just let her know that I am here for her and let her handle her own affairs unless she asks me for my help or honest opinion.
Jimrich your response was very hurtful. You do NOT know me and you do not know the relationship my daughter and I have. Her biological father died when she was very small and through the hard times, I've always been there for her and my other children--even after I remarried seven years later to a good man, I've always put them first. I've made mistakes, just like every other parent at some point, but I did not FAIL as a parent. Though they and I have made a few bad decisions, I can proudly say my children aren't on drugs or in jail, they work full time jobs, are involved parents, not lazy bums living off of me, and are God loving. I don't consider that FAILING.
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reader, jimrich +, writes (17 September 2010):
re: She wants him to leave his wife, but he says he can't leave because of his two little girls. With two small children, that man isn't going anywhere! .... IMO, that's just too bad for his kids. They'd be way better off WITHOUT a rotten little jerk like him for their dad and role-model. Kids always get the dirty end of the stick tho!I am so ashamed, upset and disappointed in my daughter's behavior, and do not condone it whatsoever. I did not raise my three girls and two boys to be home wreckers. .... Are you big enough to ADMIT that you did fail your kids in some way that has led to this behavior?Probably not, even though we all can see that you did!I see a terrible ending to all of this drama. I need a little advice on how I should approach this situation. It has previously failed due to me being so upset and my daughter not caring what I or anybody else thinks and being very defensive. ..... You had a chance, years ago, to create a loving, respectful relationship with her but somehow you missed it.I was so close to my daughter and I miss her. I want her to come back home, she is alone right now, to try to sort this out and end this relationship. ... Maybe you should go see a counselor or shrink to see what you can do to rebuild a respectful, loving relationship with your daughter but it looks like you have somehow lost the kid and only you know how that happened. One thing that won't work is you demanding that your child do what you want and obey you now - it's TOO LATE! google: relationship tips and see if there is something there to help you and her get closer.Other than that, I have no idea how to undo the bad effects of your parenting and role-modeling on your children.sorry
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reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (16 September 2010):
 Just to add my $.02, while it's important to be as supportive of your daughter as possible when this mess falls apart--and it will fall apart--sometimes the most loving thing you can do as a parent is allow your children to fall on their asses. Your daughter's youth and inexperience is clouding her judgment, but she's about to be someone's mother and it's time for her to grow up and start living with the consequences of her actions and decisions. Your job as her mother is to allow her to do this and as hard as it may be, you have to step back and allow her to learn this lesson. I believe you can support her without supporting her nonsense: love the baby, be an attentive grandma, but don't entertain her talk of a relationship with this man. Don't bring him up in conversation and change the conversation when she mentions him. Preserve your sanity and stop worrying yourself over the actions of your grown-up daughter.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 September 2010):
 If he is in the military, he can not be a dead-beat dad, the DOD do not allow it. THAT is a FACT. Any soldier with a claim for CS has to pay, it will actually be taken out of his pay before he even sees the money.
You daughter will have to get a paternity test once the child is born and she will have to apply for child support. If it is proven that he is the father, the child is also eligable for healthcare through DEERS/TRICARE. UNLESS they are married OB visits and giving birth will be on her dime. She will get NO benefits, only the child.
Just know that the dad will most likely get in trouble with his COC (Chain of Command) for adultery, which means he can loose rank and pay. ( Not that I personally care, since he is a cheating skank). I seriously doubt he will lose his job though, most I have ever heard a cheating soldier being punish with, is an Article 15 ( pay reduction, extra duty and rank reduction) UNLESS the guy is an officer, then... he can lose his commission.
I understand why you do not approve, I wouldn't either. But it's her life, her mistakes to make or not make.
The only thing you can do (if you want her in your life) is to support her as much as you can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): Good on you for trying to help her. Try not to call her a homewrecker or make her feel like one -- as all that will do is result in more distance between the two of you. Yeah she has stuffed up, but that's just the reality now. Best thing you can do is be there for her and your grandchild.
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reader, xanthic +, writes (16 September 2010):
 There's really nothing you can do. She needs to come to the realization herself that this situation isn't right and won't benefit her in any way. She needs to learn the hard way that this man is never going to give up his family and home life for her sake, no matter how much he claims to care for her, and that he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Hopefully, she'll come to her senses at some point and realize her child is her priority, not him. When that happens, she'll need your support in knowing she did the right thing in breaking things off. Any good parent would want to shield their child from making such bad choices, but for now, it would be best to step back and let your daughter make her own mistakes. That's the only way she'll learn.
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reader, Myrrh  +, writes (16 September 2010):
 Im sure your daughter isnt a bad person. Shes probably got a sweet nature and was sucked in by this mans sob story about his wife. You and i can see this because we are older wiser and we arent emotionally involved. Obviously its different for your daughter. She has emotionally invested in his flim flam. We can see it leading to heartache for his wife and your daughter. But she is in cloud cuckoo land at the moment and wont want to hear what others think because in her mind, everything will play out just as she imagines it. But these affairs rarely have a happy ending. All you can do is not judge, love her unconditionally and be there if or when she needs you. So stop being upset, roll your sleeves up and start being mum again. Just stear away from conversations about the man and concentrate on your daughter and grandchilds well being. They are whats important. All the best.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 September 2010):
In Britain, we have an old saying
"You made your bed, you lie in it".
I don't know if it made it to America, but it's a good saying and applies here to an extent.
Your daughter has made some shockingly bad decisions, and is utterly deluded if she thinks this married man will leave his wife. He won't. Within a few months, she will be lucky if he even comes to see the child. It's going to be bleak for her. Worse still his wife will kick him out and he'll use her for a bed for the night.
This is her problem, and she needs to be the one sorting it out and learning her lessons.
You've been a good mother. You taught her right from wrong and it was her choice to be stupid. That doesn't mean you have to live with it, or the guilt of her actions. The most you need to do is be there for when she needs you. For the rest of it, she needs to deal with this herself. Please don't blame yourself. Don't even blame her. Just be there for when this goes wrong.
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reader, rcn +, writes (16 September 2010):
 It sounds like this is one of those situations where you'll have to let her experience and fall if that's the direction this affair is going to take. It's easy to see that this is not going to end how she'd want it to. That's a given. He won't leave who he's with, and when you play with someone who's married, you have to assume the consequences. Here, she'll have to learn from this experience. I can't think of something that you can say to get her to change her mind, it sounds like she has it made up.
I recommend you keep reminding her that you miss her when she calls. Listen to her when she talks and reiterate how he's not leaving and that she won't find something real as long as she remains with him. So this time I think she'll be learning the hard way, but hopefully it'll strengthen hear and that she'll learn that having affairs do not end well.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (16 September 2010):
Even if you don't approve of her behavior/choices, you still have to support her. If you get upset and let her know you're disappointed in her, she's only going to want to be away from you. I agree that what she did wasn't very smart and she's silly to think he will leave his wife for her. Unfortunately, even though you didn't raise her to be this way, she's an adult now and has made her own choices.
It seems that usually women do this because they're very insecure with themselves and either get some sort of gratificaton in trying to "steal" men from other women because that shows they're somehow more "desireable" or it's because any man that shows them attention is good enough and that's what they'll settle for.
So just be there for her even if you don't agree because in the end you're still her mother and she's still your daughter regardless of the stupid choices that she makes. Don't blame yourself or feel that you're somehow at fault, your daughter chose to see this married man on her own and she probably knows it's wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): You need to let go of this and love her unconditionally. The more you chase this the farther she is going to run away from you.
You need to make sure that she knows that should things not work out that she can always come home.
Tennisstar 88 gave you some sage advice... but you need to stand down and give her the dignity to continue to make mistakes without her hearing about it from you.
It's hard, but in the long run you need to be her Mom, and available for her to come get a hug from when she needs it.
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 September 2010):
 She *put* herself..
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 September 2010):
Your daughter is a grown woman. Even still at 24 she needs to make her choices and mistakes. Nothing you say will convince her otherwise, she will learn when he doesn't take care of his responsibility or leave his wife. Have you told her you disapprove of her home wrecking ways, that this man will not leave his marriage to take care of her and his new son? The only way they might be able to leave his wife is if he told her and she divorced him. But even then he knows she'll take him for everything and take their daughters with her so then he will be coughing up a nice child support check. And believe me, the state will get them in child support even if he is serving our country. Try talking to her and advising her that her best bet is to look at the big picture, move back home, and let the state get him for child support. All you can do is try, although your efforts will be wasted. She out herself in this situation, she's the only one who can get herself out of it. Just have your door open when she comes trudging back home.
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