A
female
age
51-59,
*arlin24
writes:I am a 38 yo single woman with high IQ and very practical. Here is my issue. I broke up with Ryan a few months ago because he was living with another woman and didn't seem ready to make that step. He is the perfect image of responsiblity, lawful, doesn't drink, always the perfect person. I started dating Heath, who is an ex con, ex drug addict, pretty much if you can name a bad thing, he's done it. Unemployed, no car, trying to put his life back together. Heath makes me feel alive, and wild, while Ryan gives me that stability and comfort. Don't know whether to stay with the bad boy, who makes me crazy, let's me down, causes me problems, begs me to hold on until he's the man he's trying to be, that makes me feel alive and I have wild sex with, or go back to the one who is dependable, predictable, always the good man, who I can't help but feel like something is missing. I have never asked for advice on relationships, it always seems so cut and dry. But this time I just don't know. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): I have been wondering about you...thanks for the follow up!
I can only tell you from my own experience...you can spend a life-time "hanging on, and hoping" Heath will change.
The way you describe him, he sounds like my dearly departed exhusband!
He may be exciting in someways, but the excitement will eventually turn to terror! Now, I am going for the stability, in my life as well as in men!
I wish you luck! I pray you make the right decision!
~Britt~
A
female
reader, Karlin24 +, writes (19 April 2009):
Karlin24 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well since I last wrote, I broke up with Heath as he has mental problems that became too much for me to handle. Possesive, demanding, emotionally abusive. He didn't mean to be that way, but it was beyond his control. He was in the process of getting help, but when I refused to take him back before he was better, he tried to commit suicide. Luckily, he survived and after being released from the hospital, he went back to living on the streets. I have tried to find him to make sure he was okay, but finding a homeless person in the ghetto who has no phone is not easy. The last thing he said to me, was that he was going to get his life together and he'd be back for me. Ryan is still living next door, and in needing some stability and peace, I have started dating him, very casually. No sex, just calls, and meeting out for drinks, a few kisses. I guess with Heath losing his mind, and becoming dangerous both for me and my family, it answered my question. I miss the part of him that was sweet and caring, and I will continue to miss him, but until he can straighten out longtime issues that probably came from living on the streets and time in prison, I have to face that the part I loved was just that. A part of him. There was so much bad and messed up there that I wasn't aware of. So for now, it's physically with Ryan, alot of time mentally with Heath.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): i would get away from both there is someone that can give you both that stability you need as well as the love and compassion you need. ryan is missing love and compassion and heath is missing responsibility. would you rather have someone you are supporting just for love and that special feeling. i wouldn't. you deserve a better life than that.
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female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (29 March 2009):
 Aww- this is a wonderful question because it defies logic! -its a complicated relationship question that actually has a clear cut answer!Go with Heath! He makes you feels alive, and he excites you! He also cares about you, and has really good communication with you - telling you romantically how much he cares for you and wants to be with you forever. He sounds lovely!Something already made you break up with Ryan- and yet he still has the nerve to move next door to you and expect to get back together. Ryan does not make your heart sing- and it doesnt sound like he ever will. More than anything, I find it telling that his 'cute' donald duck impression grates on you. If someone we love does something silly like that, we find it endearing no matter how awful it is! I bet if Heath did this, you'd find it made you giggle!I don't think you're ever gonna look back on your life and wish you'd stayed with Ryan. I dont think you're ever gonna put a spark into a boring relationship- there's just nothing to ignite!However, I do think there's every chance that you might find stability in your relationship with Heath- he's committed to you and is actively looking for employment. Of course- things may not work out with Heath- there's never a guarantee in these things. Although, actually- being that Heath is a risk, even though you want him- I can see why you wrote in; for some encouragement to give this exciting gamble a chance. I dont think you ever would've written in if you wanted advise to take back your boring but dependable ex.If Heath doesn't live up to his words, you may have to be wise about how many chances you give him- don't let him hurt you over and over! But even if things don't work out, at least you'll know you gave it a shot. Either way, I don't think Mr T-Total Law and Order would gonna make your heart sing!
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female
reader, ErinPatterson +, writes (29 March 2009):
 I say go with the stable one if you feel you need that. They other one sounds like way to much troube and a pain in the butt. Who needs it..
If you are not in love with the "good boy" then spend some time alone. there is more than one fish in the sea my dear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): You can't control anyones reactions to your actions. You have to follow your heart. All Heath has given you is empty promises thus far. You can't base a relationship on good intentions. If Heath returns to the streets, it is not your fault, that is his choice! Ryan on the other hand, has proven his love for you by leaving his former situation. Having said all that, I am getting the feeling that you really want to be with Heath.
The situation that has transpired now...sounds like big trouble between the two of them, with you in the middle. Although it is flattering to have two men wanting you, it is not fair to either of them to continue playing games with them both.
I understand it is never easy to make a decision like this. The confusion can be all consuming. Fear of the wrong decision is paralyzing! I wish you luck!
Britt
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female
reader, Karlin24 +, writes (29 March 2009):
Karlin24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRyan moved in next door, Heath freaking out
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female
reader, Karlin24 +, writes (27 March 2009):
Karlin24 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You soooo much to those that gave me advise. It felt really good to not feel so alone in this decision. I still am trying to decide. Heath is looking for full time job, states if I stand by him, he will be everything I ever wanted, he will make me happy, and he will spend the rest of his life trying to make me smile. Ryan is probably making a life changing decision this week by moving out of his current situation and moving in with a male roommate, next door to my house. Heath will flip the *&%$ out when Ryan does, and Ryan will expect me to break up with Heath and go back with him. They both have their good points and bad. Heath has no job, no car, no money, and is weak and uses me for his strength. If I left him, I'm afraid he would be back on the streets again. But he is considerate, sweet, naughty, and fun. Ryan is boring sometimes, does Donald Duck impersonations, and has a little geek factor going on. But, he is stable, honest, hard working, and mature. The drama should really kick in when Ryan moves next door and can see me out his window or back porch, and Heath camps out either at my house at all times or watching my house from the bushes to make sure I'm not having contact with Ryan. As always, any advise is welcome, even though I should be experienced enough to not have to ask and old enough to not need this drama. I feel like I'm in Junior High
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male
reader, guppypig +, writes (26 March 2009):
You should date Ryan, the perfect image of responsibility who lives with another woman, and have sex with Heath.
This is typical behavior in the animal kingdom, where the female lives with a beta male as a provider, but actually mates with the alpha.
Solomon sliced the baby, but that doesn't mean you should.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): to be fair,what do u truely feel and want in your life? go with yr gut instinct.people can change and thats a fact of life.facters that u need to be looking for does this badboy want to change things? is he looking for employment? does he treat you with love and respect? sex is just one part of it,but all the other factors need to be there.your an intelligent woman.only you ca make the right choice...good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Bad Boys never live up to expectations!!!! The very reasons you are attracted to him right now, are the same reasons he will piss you off and drive you crazy in the future. I know how the attraction to bad boys is so exciting, but trust me...it's not all it's cracked up to be.
You would be wise to think with the left side of your brain as well as the right!!!! It's the battle of the heart vs. head dilemma. It's not easy! Add to the equation, the fact that the responsible guy is in another relationship, makes me wonder if he is as responsible as you think he is! Good luck with this one!
You might want to think about continuing your search for someone who is a combination of both those guy, minus the complications and complications!
Good luck!
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female
reader, Elisa +, writes (26 March 2009):
well you have answered your own question in a way, you listed all there pros and cons and it seems to me that if your looking for trouble then stay with heath or alternatively you could leave heath and get back with ryan but incorporate some of the wild (legal) things that you did with heath into your relationship with ryan, you might unlock something in ryan that makes him more fun to be with. Personally you seem a smart girl and i would hate for you to get into trouble and then loose all the things you have going for you.
my thoughts are with you
Elisa
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