A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there thanks for your help. I've been married 18 years. My husband has a very caring side. Helps out around the house does some cooking etc. However, he has a very childish and controlling side too. I haven't been able to really have friends and do the normal things friends do. Just go for coffee, visit one another etc. I have one girlfriend left that I see the very odd time. I've been out maybe 10 times throughout my marriage to see my girlfriend and its always a conflict. He ignores me, sulks, storms out to his buddies to drink. Then returns at 3 am. Our last conflict was in regards to me doing shopping and the weather turned into a blizzard we live in the country and our highway was closed. I contacted him and said I'd spend the night with my girlfriend, course his tone changed on the phone. I had a pleasant stay over felt great to be out. We chatted and had a great time. I was dreading going home the next day. When I returned home everything transpired the way I imagined. He ignored me, sulked, then said he was going to show me how my behavior feels and left to drink with his buddies. When he left I started thinking, this is so abnormal and I deserve someone who can love me and be okay with me going out sometimes. He makes comments because I have a cell phone. I use it to communicate with my girlfriend with texts and emails. He says get rid of that f-ing thing. I state your my husband not my father, and perhaps you should do more with your own time and not worry that I use a cell sometimes. I have left 4 times in this marriage. He cries, won't go to work makes me feel completely guilty and I end up returning. We don't talk much. He's quiet, and that bores me very much. I try to engage in conversation but its a couple words here and there. When he's home he follows me room to room I feel smothered. Its like he's watching my every move. I'm tired of feeling like I need permission to just have a life. He won't attend counselling because he feels its me not him. That I provoke him to behave that way. I make him drink. I've explained its yourself picking up the booze not me forcing you to do so. Your responsible for your own actions. After all these years I'm considering finally moving on. What do you think?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): He has a high level of insecurity. Talk to him & be close enough to build his trust for you. It's a trust problem confront it squarely
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (19 February 2011):
 I dated a man like this for 8 years. The constant manipulation and control became so frustrating. It was one huge headache and I just wanted to scream and cry out of anger. No matter what I said, somehow my ideas/wants/needs were not good enough. Somehow I was always blamed for everything (toothpaste cap off, dirty dishes, laundry not properly folded). It felt like I was a child and he the adult. There was too much control and way too much manipulation. I made a plan two years before the end on how I was going to get out. I recommend you do it also. My way out was finishing my education, getting a great job and moving far far away. Thats exactly what I did...it took him over 4 months long distance to give up. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had been there in person.At any rate, within a week of officially leaving him I met my fiance. This man is just amazing. Cooks for me almost daily, cleans around the house, goes out of his way to do anything for me (folds the laundry, runs to the grocery store whenever I need anything). But, on top of this, he is so relaxed. I can have friends and go out, he encourages it. I have my own life and interests. However, we still spend so much time together because we're best friends. He makes me laugh and always has something interesting to say.You know, if I hadn't left my controlling ex, I would have never flourished into the person I am today. I would not have met my fiance and I would not have been this happy.So, what I want you to take out of my experience is that truly, there are amazing men out there. There really is no point spending your precious life in a relationship where you are controlled and prevented from living a full and happy life. You're only hurting yourself. Think of all the things you could do - make friends, spend more time with family, travel, go to movies and concerts with people, learn new things, develop confidence, develop new interests and hobbies. Let him live life the way he wants to. You're not a fool and you deserve better than to be treated like one. I recommend that you move forward in life and leave him. Eighteen years with such a man is enough. Build up your support network around you, inform your friend of what you want to do, find hobby groups on www.meetup.com where you can meet more people and make friends (it's what I did), be prepared financially to leave and JUST GO FOR IT.I believe in you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Please do not put up with this kind of treatment, it will not get better i can tell you that honestely, I am in the same positon and have suffered this behavior for 50 years I am now 72 if you take it he thinks it ok and will continuw to rule yor life, sorry but get away from him and get a life of your own, this is not a dress rehearsal for life this is it I know been there infact I STILL AM ITS TOO LATE FOR ME NOW BUT PLEASE DONT PUT UP WITH IT
TAKE CARE AND GOD BLESS
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): I would give leaving him serious thought. It doesn't sound as if you have much of a life with him. He sounds controlling and insecure. How have you put up with this for so long? You deserve a life. If you leave - committ to it this time. He is an adult and has to deal with it. It is a sort of emotional blackmail, do not fall for it if he tries all types of means to get you back. You can not continually put your life on hold for someone who makes your life a misery.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 February 2011):
 It sounds like you have allowed some serious communication issues to fester into sores and resentment. 18 years is a long time to live like this.
From your post, it sounds like your husband knows how to manipulate you -- either through carousing with the guys when you have a fight, or ignoring you and drinking. Does he normally have a drinking problem? If so, this could be a major source of the problem.
At this stage of the game, I would recommend you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr Laura Schlessinger -- together. I believe this book will help you communicate better. You may also want to look in the relationship section of the book store to see what other books may be applicable.
You may also want to sit down and talk to him about the way you are feeling and express your discontent. I think his reaction will tell you how likely he is to change (although after 18 years, it's not likely)
I think it would also help you to see a counselor, either together or on your own. I think the counselor will help you sort through any issues you may have and give you a better opportunity to see things more clearly.
It takes more strength than you can imagine to actually leave a relationship, and I think you owe it to yourself to explore every avenue to keep your marriage together -- especially if you have children.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (19 February 2011):
you must go for couselling
and to convince him or even force him to do this
let someone that has power on him and he trusts him/her
maybe his father,his mother or one of his siblings
a one that you both trust to get him to do the counselling
but becarefull not to talk to one of his buddies
because eventually you well like the attention that you get form that buddy and that my lead to a very long unwanted story
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 I think it's about time.
And I think you should follow your own advice, that everybody is responsible for their own actions.
Same as it's not you who make your husband drink but is he who picks up the booze- it's not your husband who " makes " you avoid your friends because he sulks or " makes " you come back to your unhappy marriage because he cries. There is no cause-effect relationship, another person might say : let him sulk, and let him cry, I am responsible for my own happiness and for the choices I make.
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A
female
reader, Olicia +, writes (19 February 2011):
Hi there. I do feel concerned for you. 18 years is a long time to live like this - though it's easy to let an 'abnormal' situation become 'normal' over the years. Behaviour patterns tend to stem from childhood and as we get older they become complicated and messed up. As adults we get used to following rules - when to turn up for work, how much tax we should pay, what side of the road we must drive on. But somehow, people think they can make up their own crazy rules in relationships. It amounts to thinking, I'll drive on the wrong side of the road because that makes me feel better. So - your husband has created his own rules for you - and by driving on the wrong side of the road in your marriage, you're heading for a crash. I think you've done so well not to crash with this relationship before. You have choices - you can leave and start over - but if you do BEWARE of letting someone else bully you. It's your responsibility too - you've allowed your husband to behave like this to you for a long time. Or - you change the rules. Write them down - stick them on the wall. NORMAL RELATIONSHIP RULES: We talk. We have fun together. We trust one another. We're both have friends. We do things together. We do things separately. We are kind to one another. We respect one another. We love one another. If we have a problem, we talk about it sensibly. We don't bully one another.
And if you can't apply these new rules to your marriage - be sure you apply them to any future relationships. And if you're not getting the love and support you need and deserve, and your partner will not embrace the rules of a good relationship - then move on. Life is short. Make the most of it with good relationships. Hope this helps, and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): I think if you want your life to change at all, you need to leave him. You need to choose yourself over him.He sounds immature, self-absorbed, childish, irresponsible, and pathologically insecure. And it's sad you've wasted so much time and freedom propping up his ego. From your anecdote about the blizzard, it's clear he is more concerned about keeping a tight leash on you then your own safety and well being. If he won't care for you, you need to care for yourself.If you've already suggested counselling, the only thing left to do is to move on. Good luck.
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