A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,As the title says, I would like to know FACTS from people who’ve been through this. I’m not working on a survey or something, but yes, I've cheated on my gf (a fling without intercourse and no feelings) and I'm living hell right now (guilt, shame, remorse, low self-esteem for having to be the former me without being it anymore).As the Internet abounds in opinions about what to do next, I think one would learn best from actual experiences of people who’ve been through this as cheaters or cheated on.As a cheater,Reasons for cheating (if important).Did you confess to cheating? If not, why not and how do you feel about it?Why and how long afterwards did you confess?How did confessing change your life and your relationship?How do you feel about it now and what have you learned?As a cheated on,What effect did your partner’s confession have on you?Did you appreciate his/her honesty? Would you rather he/she kept it a secret forever? Why?How did the relationship change afterwards?How do you feel about it now?Please feel free to add whatever you consider important.Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): I met a very nice boy while on a hen weekend in Butlins. I asked him if he was with anyone - he said no. I slept with him every night until we went home. I then find out he has a girlfriend and two children. He says he's not happy and that he wants to still see me but is scared that if he leaves she won't let him see the children any more. He says he's never been so happy during the time he spent with me. I have fallen for this boy, but I am feeling so guilty! I have told him not to contact me and he has accepted that but looked really upset. I feel like my heart is breaking. I am very confused. I don't feel like I was in the wrong because I asked if he had someone and he said no. As soon as I found out he had someone I asked him not to contact me anymore. But the guilt I feel is immense because I want him with all my heart. But I also think that I would never really trust him because he has cheated before.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): I've cheated on my gf without having intercourse on 3 occasions, more than a year ago, but I never had the strength to tell her. I am more in love with her every day that I feel that I couldn't possibly ever do it again. I've been with her for 3.5 years and feel that I could marry her. I was immature when I was 20-22 and now I'm a changed man, I was just freaked out, at the thought of giving up my "fun" years forever, that when I was away from her for weeks I made out with 3 different girls during those stupid idiotic days, but always realized it was a mistake, before pursuing them even a 2nd time, it made me realize that lust could never make me happy in the end. You might be skeptical as to whether people can change, but the truth of the matter is that I've been loyal to my gf ever since, and the guilt makes me value her more every day, because I'm scared that the moment I tell her, I might not be able to make her smile the same way again. she considers me her hero. She's from another country and basically spends 10 months of the year without her family or close friends, I'm all she has. Also she's losing her grandparents. I feel that it would be better if I spent an eternity in hell for this, than bring her down from the heaven I currently make her feel she is in.... I deserve the pain, not her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): My boyfriend of 5 years (from when I was 15!) cheated on my when we were about 16, he said he just kissed her and I was mad but I got over it because he told me and he seemed genuinely sorry. The relationship didn't really change at all. We broke up last year and then he begged me to take him back, so I did because we had history and I thought it was a shame to just throw it all away without giving in a shot. A week after that his facebook changed to 'In a relation with someone else (not me)' so I rang him and asked what that was all about and he said he thought we'd broken up because I had text him saying we needed to talk about things (never mentioned breaking up in it). Anyway, I told him the things I had meant to say which were to end the relationship anyway but still, that was 'accidental cheating' and it hurt. I then found out however, that he did have another girlfriend (3 at once, impressive) for a few months who he told me was just a girl who had a crush on and was trying to get us to break up, which I accepted at the time. 2 months after we broke up, he announced his engagement to another girl (neither of the 2 above), so I'm assuming he had something going on with her too. Looking back, the signs were all there but I just chose to ignore them because I felt I had no other options. I was young and insecure about the way I looked. Now I'm in a new relationship with someone who I know I can completely trust and I'm so much happier. I think if you're going to cheat, just break up with the person. Save them the pain of feeling betrayed. You can't truly love someone if you'll do that.
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reader, sweetpie-x  +, writes (29 March 2011):
I have cheated, but i dont feel guilty for it, i was very drunk one night, i was at this big butlins weekend (thing we have in england where lots of 18-30s go to get very drunk) and i only kissed this guy, it meant nothing to me, so i dont feel guilty, im not going to confess to my other half about this, as it meant nothing and i know it will just ruin what we have and maybe even break us completely, and why do i want to ruin that for something stupid like a drunken kiss!! obvisouly if you know they will find out, it is best coming from you so confess immediately and make sure you and that other person both have your stories straight, because they will more than likely want to know everything, where, why and more than likely how!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): I was the cheater.I have never been so disgusted with myself in my life..and I will never do it again.In my case I did this because I was seeking out attention from others. AND I wasn't completely in love with this other person. I do think some people can change, but even though alcohol was involved and feelings weren't it still means something. For me it was a red flag that I wasn't supposed to be with someone. BOTTOM LINE: when you cheat it means something. 9 times out of 10 you are not supposed to be with that other person, because when you are really in love...nothing and no one else matters, drunk or not. I broke up with that boyfriend of almost 4 years...it was devastating because I did not tell him. The reason I did not tell him was because I had made my mind up so many times to break it off before the cheating incident and didn't. The real thing to keep in mind is if you feel like u want to cheat..or it might happen, then you really need to reevaluate your relationship.I can happily say that boyfriend has moved on, and I am certain telling him would be a huge mistake because he was already shattered. I have moved on as well and am dating someone who is amazing. He knows that I cheated on my ex and he admitted to cheating on his. The feelings I have for him are insanely strong and I would never ever cheat on him. But, for hypothetical reasons...if I did...I would tell him. Because, now I know it means the relationship is off and they deserve to take that information and either stay or go.Love and relationships are tough. Remember that no one is perfect and you cannnot beat yourself up over the fact that you cheated. But, here is the test...if you feel like you could wind up marrying this other person...there is no way you want to go into that marriage with a lie and guilt over your head. This person deserves to know the facts if they have as much invested and could potentially marry you.Stay positive. It will come to you! In the meantime(or moving forward), try to stay away from situations that aren't healthy for a relationship or could make cheating more of an option. Ie. don't get blacked out with your friends and your partner isn't there etc etc.
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reader, Amdz  +, writes (26 March 2011):
 I have never cheated, nor been cheated on, but I have had close friends/family members who have been on both sides. I had to respond to this question, b/c it is a topic that makes me so incredibly irritated. I am a firm believer in honesty, and believe that everyone deserves to have all of the available facts when making decisions about their future and how intimate they would like to be with someone. I find it extremely immature when people speak about how confessing "is only done for the sake of relieving one's own guilt...and laying it on the undeserving partner." How is that so? I would think that dealing with the consequences of one's actions head on would bring up the guilt, sadness and all other horrible feelings, than the denial one goes through when they believe they are "protecting" their partner by lying to them! It is so much harder to look at someone in the eyes and tell them painful truths! Shameful truths! And confessing one's vulnerabilities and weaknesses! THAT is painful and hard and takes a TON of courage!!! Lying is the "easy" way out...And by lying to someone you are fully intimate with in other ways (I actually don't believe you can lie and be intimate with someone, but that's a whole other story), you are cheating them out of a real life and real love with every lie you tell them. They will eventually sense that something "isn't right" and if they are not the type to live in denial and enjoy denial, they will KNOW that there are things being withheld and that something is NOT right, and it is terribly painful to know with your intuition that something isn't right, and have someone you trust with all your heart keep telling you that it is "all in your head." How is THAT fair??? Lying has no place in relationships; especially in committed ones. Cheating shouldn't happen in the first place, but if it does, one should have the decency and respect for their partner to let them live a life of truth...even if the truth is incredibly painful. And if a relationship isn't strong enough to survive painful, awful, difficult challenges, it is NOT a relationship worth being in in the first place. It is awful to hide something from someone that you know would change their opinion of you...That is the most selfish thing a person can do, in my opinion. Urghhh....I just cannot understand how anyone would want to live in a relationship where there are lies of this magnitude. To want to hold on to someone by telling them lies, and half-truths, is as selfish and cowardly as can be, and I do not understand how anyone could sleep next to someone that they are "holding on to" with their lies...
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reader, DazedConfused +, writes (26 March 2011):
I was cheated on, within my first year of marriageI am glad he confessed because I had trust issues before this happened and I at least felt he was honest and I could trust him (bizare i know that i learned to trust after being cheated on) I always trusted him not to cheat on me again after this.But the fact he did it hurt me so much I had to leave him. I left him we sold up and went our seperate ways. We did get back together, and lasted another 4 years. However, I never respected him after this. I tried very hard. I mean, I did so much to try and make him happy. I really loved him, but this never went away. I stopped hurting, but the respect was gone. Our relationship was tainted and I started wanting more from life.Now 2 years later, this has had a huge affect on me. Im a good looking girl with a great career, super friends plenty of money..... But I this relationship has stopped me wanting to be with anyone else. I dont love my husband any more and I am sooo glad I left. But I cant seem to see that not all men are like this.My advice is,,, if you really are truly sorry. I mean from the bottom of your heart and there isnt already trust issues. Keep it to yourself. I know honesty is supposed to be a good thing, but you could actually cause her damage long term. I know telling her will ease your conscience but if you love her you will have to live with that and work hard on being a good partner and you can prove to yourself that you werent a bad person and you made a mistake. People make mistakes and as meaningless as this person was to you, the girl will run it through her mind a million times, and ask herself why bla bla bla. Or she might just say Fuck you!!! Bye bye!!! Either way I dont think there is anything to gain by telling her.I hope this helps, you do sound sorry and I wish you the best of luck! DONT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE!!
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female
reader, muso888 +, writes (26 March 2011):
I cheated, on my ex. I don't really have any reasons to explain it - I was young (my first year at uni), the relationship was new and we weren't getting along and I was weak and stupid. To this day I feel it was the worst thing I have ever done, but at the time the only advice I was given was 'just pretend it never happened'. This is a VERY BAD IDEA. If you love someone it will eat you up slowly until you tell them, and the longer you wait the worse it gets.Eventually I confessed, a few months later when I realised how in love with him I was. It completely tore me up the whole time - I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore and I was totally disgusted with myself. It was SO hard to do, and I know it upset him a lot. For some reason I will never understand he forgave me without even a second thought; I think he saw how much it ate me up inside... we stayed together for another 2 years and I have never cheated since, on him or anyone else.I am so glad I confessed - it took balls to own up, it would have been so easy just to forget it ever happened. But I learnt so much - I know now where the line is, and how much I never ever want to do it again. After I confessed I did fall quite deeply into depression - it wasn't all to do with that, I had a lot of health issues that were stopping my studying and I was so far from home - but it was definately a main contribution. I felt so at odds with myself - I suffered panic attacks and had to relearn who I wanted to be and how to get there.Confessing was the most valuable experience I ever had. I have learnt so much about who I DONT want to be, and it has made me a stronger person. I respect my ex SO much for forgiving me - but I was also very sure I would lose him when I confessed. It would have killed me to lose him but it reached the stage where I felt it wasn't fair of me to keep him when there was this horrible secret - it was a lie. Cheaters can change. But you have to man up and confess first - yes, you might lose her. You did a stupid thing and that is the risk you have to take. If you don't, your relationship will never mean more than the fact that you didn't respect her enough to let her choose whether to stay with you or not, and it really should be her choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): Cheated on and still with him and plan to get married soon 1. I was very mad/sad and i wasnt my self for a couple weeks. 2.Im glad he told me because the truth may hurt but its still best to know.3. For a couple weeks it was rocky i was sad and would barly speak to him and wasnt really myself but he did every thing he could to make up for it he got rid of all of his friends that where girls and has no contact with any other females. We actually became alot closer after i was done being depressed.4. I try not to think about it but when i do of course il get a little sad. I truely love him thats why i gave him a second chance other wise i wouldnt of and i also know he loves me to now when he cheated it was in the 1st week of dating and he didn't tell me till 9 or 10 months later so if he would of told soon it would of been a big diffrence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): Cheater and Cheated ....Cheater:very young 19,boyfriend behind bars,alcohol,lust,lonley,angry.Confessed: because it was wrong to lie to both of us, it was deceit, i valued my integrity and i valued him, which is why i told him the truth (my free will).Confessed one week before he came out/to give him time to decide if he could forgive me, i was quite prepared to be dumped for this, but better than been a cheat in my eyes.How did it change my life and relationship...I learnt how i had hurt somebody and hurt myself, BUT i never LOST THEIR TRUST...because i told the truth of my own free will, when i could have kept it secret... trust still remained intact so we could rebuild,he stayed out of trouble and i remained faithful, we stayed together for ten years. How do i feel about it now that it's all finished , i have no regret's, no dirty secrets, i never lied to him or to me. I think it's the deciet that kills the relationship....not the physical act of sex....
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): I was cheated on. My partner's confession shattered my self-esteem. I became incredibly depressed, my days seemed to have no end. I felt ugly to him, I felt like I wasn't attractive enough. He was also my first boyfriend, so I didn't know what to do with myself.Did you appreciate his/her honesty? Would you rather he/she kept it a secret forever? Why?I appreciated the honesty... I felt like he truly felt remorse and guilt, and I wanted to make sure he felt like the shithead he was. I wouldn't want someone to keep it a secret from me. That shows how cowardly they are. If you have enough courage and oomph to cheat, you better have the balls to admit it.I got back together with him and really worked on improving myself. I couldn't see him in the same way. I always brought his cheating up, and the hurt never went away. Only until I moved on to someone else. I now feel a lot better with someone who loves me and would never cheat on me. I think you should tell her. It won't erase the damage, but it might blur it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): I fell out of love with my boyfriend (highschool sweetheart) in my mid twenties. He was mentaly abusing me for so long and this is not an excuse for what I've done. Just a fact. Showing how stupid I was for thinking I could change him, make him see the world in brighter colors.Instead of breaking up with him, I stayed because he was alone in the world - good old fashioned guilt. Anyway, I fell in love with another man and had a relationship for almost two years. (don't ask how I did it. I tried not to lie too much. I just didn't talk about certain things.) He made me feel alive. We were good together. I was more of a shrink to my then bf than anything else. When I finally decided to leave (and it was not because of the mentioned affair... it had been over for some time) I told him everything. I didn't want him to hear it from someone else. No matter how careful i'd been, I knew that these things are never a well kept secret. Instead of anger and contempt, he wanted to revive our relationship. He understood how he "tortured me and ruined my life (his words). He wanted a chance to make it up to me. All of a sudden he said he saw everything clearly.Needles to say, however painful it was, I felt so free and had no intention on going back.I regreted deeply that I cheated on him, but not for falling in love with another man nor being with him. I should have left my bf years ago.It was a valuable experience though. I've never cheated (and never will) on anyone again. Keep it clean. Keep it fair. Best for everyone. Me included.
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reader, mystiquek +, writes (25 March 2011):
 I was cheated on.1. He told me, he had sex with my best friend. I was devastated, it was my 1st intimate relationship. I forgave him, then 3 months later he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend. 2. I'm glad he told me because it made me see what a creep he really was.3. The relationship was never the same afterwards, how could it be? I never trusted him again, and whenever he wasnt with me, I was always wondering where he was, what he was doing.4. I got him back big time though, when I found out the 2nd time that he cheated with his ex, I called her, we met, talked, and went to where he worked, waited for his break, and then both told him off. The look on his face when her and I walked into his work together was PRICELESS. Her and I remained friends! We were only 18, but still....it took away my innocence and trust....it took me a LONG time to trust a guy again sadly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): The Cheated1. said the relationship and I felt distance2. Yes he confess 3. confessed after 6 months of cheating4. confession didn't help much in the relationship5. not to fully trust a man or give a man to much loveBy him telling me the truth and confessing to his cheating was only to clear his conscious, he didn't want to feel guilty so he confessed. Obviously still thinking only on him.I didn't appreciate any honesty because I feel that if he turly loved me he would have not cheated to begin with.After he admitted that he cheated I separated, cleared my head and file for divorce.I feel great best decision I have ever made. I will not be laughed or fool. My pride maintained me strong, my dignity as a women kept me from crying my self in self pity.He choose to have his little play time lied to me and played with my feelings, and at the end it was him who lost the war. I still have him calling me begging me back. How funny how things work out when he was cheating I wasn't worth his respect,love,honesty instead I got lies,betrayed,discieved and now he bleeds for my love, my attention, my body.Will I ever take him back NO, I never pick up garbage. He could be someone else's treasure but to me he belongs in the trash!
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reader, SlaYerAddict9007 +, writes (25 March 2011):
 I was unfortunately cheated on twice by the same guy.1. When he confessed, I felt like I could at least trust him to confess to it.2. I did appreciate that he was honest. If it would've deeply hurt me, then I would've rather just not known about it, but it didnt hurt me that bad.3. It was a rollercoaster, in short.4. It's really mixed feelings.There are some things that I know that he's never told me, but I didn't dwell on it, otherwords I would just hurt myself. I agree with CaringGuy on his three paragraphs. Being cheated on sucks, and it's better to confess to it.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 March 2011):
I was cheated on:1 - She never confessed. I found out. 2 - Her lack of honesty about it was the thing that disgusted me most. 3 - I dumped her. 4 - I'm with a far better woman, and the cheater is out. The act of cheating is bad, but the subsequent lies and dishonesty are even worse. It shows a a lack of both love and respect for the person you're supposed to love, and is a hundred times worse because someone who's cheated on should be given the chance to decide whether they stay with that person or not. If you lie, in my opinion your relationship will count for nothing. You'll always be the liar who cheated, and no matter what your girlfriend subsequently does, you'll have no right to judge her or argue with her. My opinion on cheating is that you need to be honest. If you love this woman, if she means anything to you, then you will give her the chance to make her own decision. Because, you can believe me when she finds out (and she will - we live on a world where it's easy to find out now), she'll end it on the spot.
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