A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, this is a simple question with complicated details. My current boyfriend, "Jake", and I have been together for just over a year. We have known each other for almost 13 years and have been on and off since we were 15 years old. When I turned 18 I went away to college and began to seriously date someone else. A year later Jake met "Amanda", who is 4 years our younger, and they began to date. A year and a half later I broke up with my college boyfriend and began taking trips home again. Whenever I would take vacation from school I would let him know in advance and he would take a break from Amanda to spend the time I was home with me. He would tell me everything about them, including the fact Amanda had an abortion and other very personal details. At this time I left Jake under the impression I wasn't interested in him on any serious level and although I was sorry for his girl troubles my advice was he find someone else. I finally graduated and moved home, Amanda had moved in with Jake and I was pretty sure it was the end of us and began dating someone else. We did not talk much for two years and I felt us growing apart and I finally told him I couldn't live without him. By this time his girlfriend's father, a very good friend of his, had passed away and he had promised to take care of Amanda. They had been together for almost eight years and their entire situation was sticky. Despite all of this my grand gesture paid off, and he left Amanda to be with me. It was all very romantic and cinema-like, I warned him that someday the magic might ware off and he told me having what he wanted since the day we met was the magic. Now we're very much in love, i get along with his family and we have the same friends. Here's where the problem begins, his ex Amanda is psychotic to put it mildly. In addition to being immature she is violent, bi polar, and very much still in love with Jake. I am not whatsoever insecure and had no problem with Jake talking to Amanda, and he was always honest with me whenever she contacted him. She claims to have moved on (or rather moved in with the boyfriend she was with before Jake) but she likes dozens of crass groups about he and I on facebook, sends me emails, some of which say she doesn't care I'm with Jake, some of which say she has issues with me. I understand they dated for almost eight years, but it's been over a year! Jake does not encourage her behavior whatsoever, although he does realize she is unstable at best and does not want to instigate her and she threatens physical violence on us and herself. My question is this, what is the best way to deal with this Very touchy ex-girlfriend who has spent her entire adult life obsessing over the boy who is my soul mate and now my boyfriend. She hates me, not him. I understand her frustration, and I have gone so far as to say sorry for the way things unfolded for her, and by no means have I made efforts to pour salt in her wounds. Obviously Jake backs me up, but my goal is to avoid or diffuse this conflict all together! Something I can say that will appeal to her rational side? Thanks in advance for all your help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncupidlover89, you are very much on target with the "daddy issues" comment as Jake has very much taken on the father role of her since Amanda's father passed away. She says she hates me because I am a seductress who has taken away the man she is "entitled to" because she dated him for 8 years when I didn't want him. Since Jake leaving her was such a shock to her, which if she wasn't totally delusional she would have seen it coming like everyone else, she practically obsesses every detail of their relationship, how many times he might have lied about me, what she did wrong, etc. But the bottom line is she still wants him so bad she doesn't want to blame either of them for the demise of their relationship, it's much easier to blame me. But the fact is he was honest and told her he wasn't in love with her anymore and that he had feelings for me. As soon as Jake broke up with her, as he had done in the past, she ran back to the guy she dated before Jake in junior high and high school when her father was alive (her father despised her ex). Amanda's father made it very clear to Jake as he got sick to take care of Amanda and keep her away from her ex who was a drug dealer/addict. In essence Amanda sees dating her ex as the only way to get Jake's attention, even though he has given up telling her she deserves better and it is her life to do with as she wants. And even so... she continues to claim she doesn't care about Jake and has problems with me. I have been NOTHING but understanding and compassionate to this woman and Jake and I have both suggested very honestly that she see a therapist to which she replies "kicking my ass would be her therapy". I'm 28 years old and not at all afraid of this girl i'm just fed up. I've been listening to her craziness for too long and now that Jake is mine I really want to put an end to it. She has expressed physical threats and suggestes we meet to "solve our issues". She has liked roughly 167 groups and pages about me being a "slut, bitch, rebound, trash, her not being jealous, or giving her used toys to the less fortunate". Obviously neither Jake nor I feel that being cruel and telling this girl the truth about he and I or that their 8 year relationship was in part a sham. But at the same time she doesn't listen to reason so i'm at the point where I want to yell at Jake and tell him to tell her to piss off! I don't know what to say to her, or have Jake say to her that might get through to her that although Jake always cared about her, he's not in love with her. He's tried not answering her calls/texts for months, tried telling her that she should respect the girl he is now in love with (me) and that this was his choice not me being a 'homewrecker'. Basically she toes the line of being a legal-defined stalker or harassing me, but she is like a hemorrhoid that just won't go away! Thank you thank you all so much for your advice, i'm at the end of my rope and my girlfriends are tired of hearing it!
A
female
reader, Yetilicious +, writes (25 March 2011):
 Sounds like a serial killer in the making! I would probably contact the police with her threatening emails and get a restraining order. When the cops call her and tell her she can't go within 50 feet of you or your bf, hopefully she will get the picture and move on for good.
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A
female
reader, cupidlover89 +, writes (25 March 2011):
Surprisingly you have a common situation. Maybe you can give some more details about jake's relationship with this girl? She has no reason to hate you, and I am sure she does not. It sounds like she has some daddy issues, and has permanently attatched herself to your bf. She feels protected by him, she feels she is entitled to him. He has become her "father" figure. She should see a therapist or maybe you can suggest she get some help. Some people just need someone...she has chosen your bf as her someone
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