A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Serious problem! I've been in a relationship with my guyfriend for the last three years, and during this time we have never used condoms during intimacy. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered condoms in his nightstand, and he hurriedly rushed over to close the drawer, as if to keep me from seeing them. Well too late, I already have. The next day I asked him if there was anyone else. He looks away and stated there wasn't anyone else, and wanted to know why I asked him. I told him I saw the condoms in his drawer. He stated that they were old condoms and he's had them for a long time. Then he asked me if I had condoms from old relationships or to have just in case something goes down. I don't because there's no reason for me to have them. If I'm not in a relationship with someone, there's no need for them. I'm not one for casual sex, so I wouldn't have them. I believe he is only doing that to try to justify the dirt that he is doing. Later on he says that the condoms belong to his friend who is married and likes to bring his mistress over to his house to have sex with (cheating on his wife - damm). I know the condoms aren't old because the particular ones he had didn't come out until early this year, so they have been recently purchased. This whole situation screams CHEATING, what is the best way to end this relationship? I know that if I tell him this is the reason, he will attempt to say anything to me to try to justify him having the condoms.
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female
reader, Mosobalaje  +, writes (9 December 2017):
I ve got a similar issue recently and he told me he was given by a senior colleague who was packing out of his hostel in school. I think i believe him.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 July 2010):
 Each individual packet of condoms also has an expiration date. Condoms do tend to last quite a bit, but not 3 years... If these aren't expired yet, he recently bought them. Also, when he changed his excuse from "they are old" to "I'm keeping them for my cheating friend to use" you know he is running out of smarter things to say. Besides, both are lame excuses. And also: yuck! He's keeping the condoms for his cheating friend? What a great friend... you can tell he doesn't mind cheating since he not only gives the friend condoms but also offer a place for the adultery to proceed undisturbed. Yuck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): I'm sorry, but it definitely sounds like he is cheating and lying to you.
Are the condoms in the box still? Not that this is really relevant, but you can blow his they-are-old-and-I've-had-them-forever excuse right out of the water by looking at the expiration date on the box.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): If you don't live with him then leaving him will be easy - just change your cellphone and don't call him ever again. He won't need an explanation for sure. If you live with him either you need to find another place first or get his stuff and put it outside the front door. You don't need to put up with this - he is completely lying to you. I have never heard such a pathetic excuse either. Of course.... you could do something to the condoms which would be really cruel :-)........
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 July 2010):
Does it matter? This IS the reason you want to end the relationship, and a good reason too. Let him try and talk his way out of it, just make sure you have your bags already packed and are on your way out the door.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): Yes, I agree he is definately lying and the only explanation is he is having sex with someone else.
My concern here though is the way you stated this question, saying you have been seeing your guyfriend for three years, and then asking him if there is someone else.
It seems to me that maybe you aren't being quite accurate with the definition of this relationship?
Are you sure that it is a committed, exclusive relationship, or one that you have just avoided the topic and left it as an open relationship, like well I haven't found anyone else at the moment so you'll do for three years....is it implied that you are exclusive or agreed upon and discussed?
The only reason it is important is that you aren't setting your boundaries in relationships, and that is bad for you...not that this excuses his actions or cheating because even implied exclusivity is something that should be honored without first telling the other what is actually going on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): hes having safe sex and it isnt with you. Walk away and dont look back. Tisha had a good how to on making the break. He'll know why, though he probably wont admit it. Im sorry that this happened honey, but you can do better than this. Mal
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 I would break up with him because of his stupidity. If you are stupid enough not to cover up your tracks and be able to convince people you didn't do it after you get caught, you are too stupid and you don't qualify to be a cheater. Either that or he's careless and a whatever! type of person. Honestly I believe women make better cheaters because they are more detail orietned.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2010):
 To answer your question, which seems to be what's the best way to break up with him, I would just tell him that it's not working out for you. You don't love him and it is time to let him go find someone else. You don't need to get into a whole lot of details, actually.
If you want to give him more information, you could say that you now find you lack trust in him and just don't feel comfortable or secure in the relationship any longer.
You don't need to stick around or discuss it ad nauseum after you make the break. Leave, and go 'no contact' if you fear you will be sucked back into the relationship.
Definitely get checked for STDs just in case you have been exposed to something. Sorry you have to go through this, it must be very distressing. Good luck.
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Nope, he is all over the place with excuses coz he is the one lying and cheating.
If he is not going to admit to it, you are going to either have to think of other ways to confirm it, or just go with the obvious and simply walk away.
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female
reader, brooklynqueen +, writes (18 July 2010):
There is a 99.999% chance that he did cheat. The up side is that if he did be greatful that he respected you enough to use condoms. Unfortunately i worked with the HIV population and there are sooo many women who have HIV because there mate including husbands had affairs without using one. I would monitor the situation and his actions. If he seems different i would give the relationship a break for a while.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 July 2010):
I think your gut is telling you the right thing. These things don't add up and he knows it. He is also making it worse by changing his story. Asking you if you don't have them from previous relationships of 'just incase' is also a classic redirect.
I think I would confront him with the inconsistencies and ask him enough questions to punch holes in the different versions of the stories he told you, especially the one about his friend. Be prepared too, because people driven into corners often get defensive and try to shift the blame on you.
In other cases I would say you should collect more evidence, but his behaviour is telling enough.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Eh! Sounds awfully fishy to me. First it's old condoms then it's a "friend" who screws him mistress in the BED you two sleep in? Can you say EWWW?
Something is very off.
What does your gut instinct tell you?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 July 2010):
If he wanted to masturbate with it or try it with you, he wouldn't have rushed to the drawer and closed it. This is not something embarrasing to admit. Renting space for his friend to have sex with a mistress is like being an advocate for cheating. I don't know what kind of a friend that is. That has to be the lamest excuse of all. If everything else is good in the relationship investigate reasons why he could be cheating. Maybe the relationship is good on your side but it's not good enough on his side. Also realize that men cheat not because their partner is not good enough, they cheat just because they could. If this incident doesn't make him feel any remorse and he's doing it again, then end it with him. You don't need him to admit this to break up with him. Just because you can't trust him the relationship is not worth it. You probably won't see any more condoms inside the drawer, in his wallet, or in his car. He would probably tell the other woman to keep them. I could make up many reasons why condoms are there.1. I got them from the health clinic. They had a function there advocating safe sex and there are free treats and food.2. My brother/friend/cousin gave them to me because he didn't like the texture.3. The condom says it's so thin I am impressed by the technology so I am doing a test to see if the hype is true.4. I recently developed a fetish to condoms.5. My brother/friend/cousin tried the condoms last night and had the best sex ever with his wife, so he gave them to me because he swore I would love them.6. I read that wearing a condom could prolong my hardness, thus increasing your pleasure. 7. I never used a condom before in my life I just want to know what it feels like to use one.And many many more. He's not 20 anymore. So the reason can only be the most obvious, which is cheating and he could only stick to one reason.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 July 2010):
I've got a bad feeling about this one. Way to many excuses, all too quickly. As soon as you'd seen them, he closed the drawer and then suggested that there was no one else. He said they were old condoms, and then went on to change his story and that they were is friend's, and that he was bringing his mistress over to his house to have sex. Well, all that is crap. He's cheating all right. I would suggest that you just say it's not working out and end it. Also, get an STD test as quick as you can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@person12345 - Yes, I am positive that they are new, I did the research on them. I know that he doesn't masturbate with them. If he wanted to try them with me, then he would have said something. I have done a little more snooping, and did find a few more things that are suspicious. No I am not on the pill.
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Screams cheating to me and at the very least immoral behaviour in allowing his friend to cheat there. Thats such a far fetched story, I'd be going postal right now finding out if and when he cheated. Do not accept inadequate answers...listen to your gut.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 July 2010):
 It doesn't scream cheating. It's a little fishy, but you need to investigate more. Maybe he masturbates with them. Maybe he wanted to try them with you. Before you immediately assume cheating because he owns condoms, you should snoop a little more for something else that's suspicious. It is however, very suspicious that he lied first about having them for a long time. Are you positive they're new?
Another question, why aren't you using condoms? Are you on the pill?
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female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Sweetie your boyfriend is cheating on you. Men lie. If a man gets caught out, the first thing he does is lie. The fact that he's now changed his lie, shows that neither of them are true therefore hes covering something up. My boyfriend did the exact same thing, I saw emails between him and a girl about hooking up and how much of a spark they have between them etc. When i confronted him.. his ecxuse's changed throughout the arguement:
- I didnt send those emails
- I was hacked
- I sent them when i was drunk
Hes now my EX boyfriend.
It's a shame that you've been together for so long and hes ruined it. The best way to end it is to simply say, It's over. Up to you if you wanna give him a reason! Good Luck Hun!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): He's definitely cheating. The old 'my friend bought his mistress here...'. Just tell him its over because you don't trust him. You deserve better than to be cheated on and lied to. There are plenty of great men out there and in time you'll find a new partner and your current loser boyfriend will be emotional history. Don't waste any time on him.
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