A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am exhausted trying to get some answer from my ex. We broke up a while ago- but we continued 'seeing' each other till Dec last year, which is when I moved out of the country. This was the guy who, while we lived together, lied and cheated on me with several women, prioritized his friends/bar over me,but I took care of him after his surgeries, took his family around when they visited, helped him finish his master thesis, helping him search for jobs etc. So, he finally found one and is doing well there. But now he is too busy to stay in contact and be in relationship right now. I know I probably never should've expected anything from someone who's treated me so bad already, but the guy is thirty now. I spent my last six years on him and now everyone around me settling down, I feel like I have wasted these six years. He sent me a gift for my birthday (which apparently he took out lots of time for on his business trip to find)but I am thinking of returning it unopened. Is it too childish? I am just tired of this man playing me and jerking me around. I can never get a straight answer from him. His answers always leave some hope, but in the end I am always disappointed. He is not worth it, I really know that, so why can't I get over this stupid notion that love is all we need.Help/advise please! I am exhausted having my heartbroken repeatedly in these six years.
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female
reader, jules19  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Hey .... Im sorry that you have been cheated on , but look at it this way, dont classify it as wasting 6 yrs on him, think about learning for 6yrs, this will make you a stronger person and also do you really want to waste another tear and thought on this guy, who has treated you so bad. Move on and find a decent guy who will like and respect you for you !
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): First off, I am sorry that you are feeling down and having trouble letting go of this relationship.
You logically know that he is one major tool, you've wasted 6 years on him and feel worn out.
So why can't you let go? The major reason has to do with your beliefs about yourself and your world view.
"I spent my last six years on him and now everyone around me settling down, I feel like I have wasted these six years."
You aren't everyone else, it doesn't mean that you will never settle down, but it does mean that if you continue on with a man who doesn't want you, is a major turd, cheater, user, liar, you will not get what you want, which is happily ever after.
The short answer is you are the only one who can change this. You are emotionally unavailable and so is he. If you really were not afraid of intimacy, you would have stood up for yourself long ago and ended this with him for good, but you are getting something out of this, too, like avoiding real relationship, committment and intimacy.
You really ought to think about going into therapy. You have some unresolved issues that are keeping you in this holding pattern.
Stop all contact with this man, break up with him, tell him to never contact you again and then get on with the business of YOU. You aren't going to be able to move on if you don't clearly move on...it's that simple really.
All the other analyzinging and hand wringing may help you learn from your mistake, but it won't improve your lot in life, only movement in the opposite direction away from him will do that.
Keep the gift, think of it as payment earned, and then sell it for money so you aren't reminded of him, or regift it, don't attach meaning to it, you don't want to do that...this relationship is one sided and needs to end.
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