A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having trouble trusting my boyfriend of a year and a half . I have been burned in the past (cheated on) and am a naturally suspicious person. Here's my dilemma.1) I found a ripped open condom wrapper in my boyfriends car. Near the drivers side - where his feet are. We do not use condoms. The other half of the wrapper was not there and neither was the condom. He seemed shocked - but maybe "too shocked". Said he had no idea how it got there and wondered if someone broke into his car and had sex. He does leave it unlocked on city streets. Then he said it could have been stuck to his boot. 2) there was a girls scarf on the floor of the car. In plain sight. He said he found it on the street and thought I'd like it. This was before the condom incident - so I let it go. He had previously found and kept a scarf someone left in a restaurant so it's not that unusual. But now after the condom wrapper, I asked him specifics - of where and when he found it. Exactly. He said he couldn't remember. And asked why I didn't ask before when he would have remembered. He got a bit on the defensive side and asked why I was trying to pick a fight. 3) I checked his cell phone. Recent call history deleted. I know - sounds damning. But I know him from before we were dating and he was not a cheater. Even when we were just friends, and he was dating a girl - he wasn't inappropriate. He swears he's not a liar and cheater - that he did that in his 20s and he's done. A mutual female said he hasn't cheated on anyone in 16 years now. He also swears it wouldn't be worth the time and stress. So - how do I trust? Do I demand to see his cell phone bill?
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (30 March 2014):
 To me it doesn't sound as though this guy is worth investing any more of your time. It may not even be that he's not that in to you, it may be that he doesn't really commit to anyone. Some people are quite happy having 1-2 year relationships without wanting more, and I do get the feeling that this guy has someone else lined up.
All the best, OP.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. We dont live together i have put pressure on the relationship to move in and make plans to eventually get married.
Even before all this he wasn't "ready". (his words - we need more time to get to know one another - its been a year and a half)
Re-reading this gives me perspective. Even if he's not physically cheating - he's certainly not being careful with my heart. It seems after a year and 4 months - he may just not be that into me.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 March 2014):
 I think he is finally realizing that you no longer accept his word as the gospel. That you doubt his sincerity and his honesty. His response... is to punish you. By doing something you can not be included in for his birthday.
Who goes on a cruise by themselves if they are in a relationship? Apparently YOUR guy.
I would let him go for those 4-5 days. It will give YOU time to think and evaluate what you feel and where you stand. And it will give him time to figure out if he wants to be with you or not as well. Being together means you DO plan your life around each other, one way or another.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014): He's lying and if I were in your shoes, when he gets back from his little trip, I'd let him know he's single. In fact just tell him now and be done with it. Do you live together?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 March 2014):
 When an ex starts texting about her/his "bad relationship" it only means this: I want some sex on the side, will you come over?
His ex is capable of finding self help sites on her own. Women are MORE than capable of finding such sites on their own. Oh no, she texted him because she wants a penis. And he deleted the texts because he knew what she was fishing for, and didn't want you to see.
As for his birthday though, that's irrelevant to his cheating. He's a grown man and is perfectly fine going to Florida by himself, and I think he is right.. he should go if he wants to go. A birthday is not something meant for couples to celebrate, and anyway, are you really in the mood to travel with him now? With all these condom wrappers and scarves laying around?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie he said he deleted texts because he knew they might make me mad. but added he was only "helping her w her bad relationship " by sending her links to self help articlesAds another layer to this - its his birthday Tuesday. He wanted to go on a cruise from Friday to Wednesday. I just found out I can't get the time off work - can only get one day. His response ? " my birthday shouldn't be ruined by you. I'm going anyway". I said "it's more important to be in florida than we me for your birthday?". He said yes because of his "dead mom" he can't be home. I said we'd go to florida sat and sun and go somewhere nearer on Tuesday. He said he's tired of adjusting his life to me and he's going anyway. (we have mutual friends there he can stay with. ). He said I could come for sat and sun and come home alone Monday while he stayed. Am I being selfish? It feels like he's behaving like he's 10 instead of 46.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014): Hey again I've just read your followups :-) I really think this sounds suspicious hunnie, whether he deleted his call history or not. When you love someone you WANT to believe they are innocent. However there is a good chance he really did cheat on you and you deserve to know the truth - othereise it will just happen again. It's very odd to pick a scarf off the street for his girlfriend - it could be flea ridden. Also someone breaking into his car to have sex is a really bad excuse - I think an innocent person would be confused themselves as to how it got there and wouldn't make up random excuses.
Read the article that I've posted the link for at the bottom of the page. It has worked for me when I couldn't get my boyfriend to admit to something. I'll also tell you that twice this has happened to me, and once I was so convinced that my boyfriend lied to me about going clubbing, but could never get him to admit it even though I tried for weeks. I cried and argued but he always denied it - I eventually believed him even though I had evidence suggesting he was lying. A year later in an argument, I told him I knew he had lied to me a year ago about going out, and he admitted it! I know it wasn't a very big deal but my point is, sometimes it's easier to believe they are innocent but that doesn't make it true. When your gut tells you something is wrong, it's usually right.
Good luck :-)
http://lifehacker.com/5959952/how-to-detect-when-someones-lying-and-get-them-to-tell-the-truth/all
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2014):
Sorry, it's just all a "little" to coincidental to me. OK, the wrapper might not have been his, the scarf might have been one he found - but the fact that he can't remember where he found and that he doesn't show you the DAY he found it - no he leaves it in the car and "gives" it to you when YOU find it there...? yea, that comes off as DARN IFFY.
Then deleting his conversations with his ex? Why would he do that? Plus he changed the PW to "keep it safe"... safe from you. He already knows you are seeing red flags...
I would honestly be creeped out if my husband gave he scarves that he found on the road somewhere... eww.
I would NOT have sex without USING condoms for a while with him. Rather I would have sex at all time I feel he can be trusted again.
The biggest thing for me is that he isn't even good at lying.
Condom wrapper - the car is left unlocked so SOMEONE must have screwed in the car... Do you really think some teens run around and check cars so they can mess around in someone's car?
I just don't see it.
The scarf, he found it (he has done it before so figured that excuse was perfect) yet can't remember where? It's been laying around the car for so long he forgot.
Again I just don't see that as being true.
Did you ASK him why he deleted his texts with the ex?
Overall, I find it hard to believe his stories.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 March 2014):
 Being an avid reader of mystery novels, I stand by the principle that " three clues make a proof ".
Condom wrapper which should not be there . Mysterious woman's scarf . Ex's deleted calls.
The last two are pretty damning evidence, I 'd say. Why should he have picked up a scarf from somewhere to give it to you, for all he knew it could belong to some syphilitic flea-infested vagrant. But if he did so, why didn't he just give you the scarf rather than hide it for such a loooong time that he couldn't even remember where it came from ?
The deleted calls, too. Either he deletes all his calls regularly, out of habit- ( he doesn't ), or, selecting just his ex's calls is very suspicious. It means there was something you were not supposed to read in them. If it had been and innocent " happy Easter to you and family " I don't think he would have bothered deleting .
The wrapper... uhm, maybe that's possible . Although if it was a clean wrapper it can't have been stuck to the sole of his boot.
So, let's say it's 2 and a half clues... if I were you, I'd keep my eyes super open and my ears super perked up from now on. Something tells me that sooner or later you'll find other clues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): He's lying and it is very obvious. Leaving his car open, picking scarves up off the street and dragging used condom rappers into a car leaving them there is ridiculous and gross even if it were true. No one breaks into a car to have sex. Just end it, get definitive proof first if you need it- stop having sex with him now.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (28 March 2014):
It's also possible to delete single messages or entries on the call log, at least it is with the iPhone. So he needn't have to delete the entire call log. Back in the day when I snooped, phones were more basic and it was an all or nothing thing. People can be more sneaky/ less obvious now. Has he locked his phone because he's guilty or because he doesn't like being snooped on? I honestly don't know. Perhaps as someone else suggested you should keep an eye out for more evidence, but ultimately you should go with your gut instincts.
But I'm still not buying it about the condom wrapper by the way. And the scarf thing is weird to me.
Sorry, not much help, but I really do sympathise. This is a horrible situation to be in.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): You don't want to know really. Its as if you want to give him another chance. Its obvious to others but this is down to your feelings for him. Just realise he will be more careful now so you will have to get more clever at discovering any truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate. I was mistaken on him deleting call history although he did delete text messages from his ex. I confronted him and asked to see his phone. He had changed the password but let me look. Turns out the calls weren't deleted - but his screen cracked and it would no longer scroll up. my mistake on that. He said he changed the password because he knew I looked at his phone. He woke up while I was doing it. I didn't deny it but said he needs to not hide his phone. Ugh. I'm still not sure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): I don't get the feeling that just breaking-up with him is going to be a satisfactory solution for you. I get the feeling you need more solid evidence and that if you broke up with him now based on the condom, scarf, and erased calls; you would be unsatisfied with that and he would probably be able to convince you that he was faithful.
Honestly, if this is the case, don't leave. If you need more proof before you can walk out that door, get it girl. I would let it go, not make an issue with him any more, and then start your snooping. Give yourself a timeframe to snoop and then proclaim his innocence (afterall, you can't live in snooping mode forever) and really do whatever you need to do that will make you feel satisfied that he is being faithful.
I thing the other posters make a great point, but "just break" is kind of a hard thing to do when you are actually there and the person you trust and love is giving you a different story. It just is, I get it.
Girl, crook or hook, if you need to put spyware in his phone or follow him around..hell, do whatever you need to do. I know, it's unethical, but it is what it is. Just set a time limit on it and then be firm about letting it go, if indeed you find nothing.
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A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (28 March 2014):
 It all sounds rather suspicious for him having sex with a woman in his car and her forgetting her scarf. You could wait until the next time you find evidence. Just lie low for a while and snoop around again later and you will most likely find some additional evidence. Use protection in the meantime. I had a man like this once and finally got healthy enough to leave him and stay gone. It took a while.
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (28 March 2014):
He's definitely cheated on you I'm afraid.Don't listen to his pathetic excuses,dump him.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 March 2014):
There's only one reason to delete things from your phone. He's trying to hide something... Period.
Condom wrappers aren't in the least bit sticky, but maybe he stepped in gum, then stepped on the wrapper, some how didn't realize it, and it fell off in the car...
The scarf part by itself isn't that big a deal. But it's just too much of a coincidence. Ask him about deleting his records and don't pay attention to the answer so much as his mannerisms. Does he act like he's lying? Then he is. Be done with it before he really hurts you.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 March 2014):
OP, I wouldn't even confront him.
Your suspicious nature, which is actually your gut instinct, led you to snoop, and that alone is enough, don't you think?
When it reaches the level of checking phone records, you already know something is not right (assuming you haven't spent the last 18 months snooping).
Say he volunteers to show you his phone record and it's some how clear (it won't be), how will you then square off the condom wrapper?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Get out of that relationship. You would be so stupid to waste your time believing him. Your smarter then that. Be a women with dignity and respect for yourself. You deserve it.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (27 March 2014):
 Hahaha, "I saw a scarf on the street and thought you'd like it".
You should break up with him solely based on the fact that he would give you a street scarf. Wow.
(Not to mention, if he was going to give it to you - why didn't he? Why did he leave it crumpled up in the back of his car??)
The condom wrapper, the scarf, the call history - that's three strikes. He's out.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 March 2014):
 I'd break up with him on the basis that he leaves his car unlocked in the city. That pretty much suggests he's kind of an idiot.
The other stuff, well, it doesn't sound good. I would stop having condomless sex with him (and that means bjs too) until this is all sorted out.
And I would ask to use his phone for the next few days until it is all sorted out. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShould I confront him now? Ask to see his phone and if he won't give it to me then tell him I already saw it and it's suspicious that call history deleted?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Sometimes when you really love someone you try so hard to overlook what is right in front of you - you don't want to believe he cheated so you try to convince yourself he didn't. I really think he's lying to you, and you deserve better. Also who would break into a car and have sex? I think you should confront him and tell him you know he cheated... read tips on how to fget someone to admit their lying. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt, it's obvious he's lying. Good luck :-) and believe in yourself
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 March 2014):
 I think you already know...but just want some back up? Ever heard the little childhood ditty "Liar liar pants on fire?" Yeah and your boyfriend is smokin'..and I don't mean that like "he's hot..good looking, etc". Sweetie..he's lying, and you know it. His excuses are just absolutely ridiculous and if you weren't involved with him, you'd find them almost funny. Man, what a rotten liar he is! Advice...leave him. Now..and get yourself checked out just to be safe. I'm sorry...you deserve so much better. Remind yourself that and walk away with your head held high.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 March 2014):
OP, I was in your position once but just with the third bit of evidence (call history deleted). I wasn't sure and gave the benefit of the doubt only to be dumped a few weeks later, as it turned out for the other woman.
People don't delete call history for no reason, neither do condoms or scarves just turn up on car floors.
You are not being overly suspicious, and I don't think you should trust him (or his friends).
I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 March 2014):
OP, I was in your position once but just with the third bit of evidence (call history deleted). I wasn't sure and gave the benefit of the doubt only to be dumped a few weeks later, as it turned out for the other woman.
People don't delete call history for no reason, neither do condoms or scarves just turn up on car floors.
You are not being overly suspicious, and I don't think you should trust him (or his friends).
I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 March 2014):
He wondered if someone had broken into his car and had sex? No one wonders such a daft idea, sheez. He's lying, lying, lying. If someone actually broke into the car they'd have taken the stereo.. or the car. Not just use it for sex, lol!
Sorry, but I am convinced he cheated. Be sorry that he cheated on you, but don't be sorry for finding out! Who knows how long he would carry on going behind your back if you hadn't caught him. A condom wrapper, that's been opened and the condom used, in his car, does NOT leave much up for questioning.
To nail the coffin shut is the cell phone history deleted. As if you really had reason to believe he is innocent, but now you certainly know 100%. Sorry, he has cheated on you. Why else would he feel the need to hide who he called to?
Cheaters don't go around bragging about it to friends, so why on earth would his friends comment matter at all? Besides, friends don't back stab friends. It's a loyalty thing. Even if the friend knew about the cheating, he'd never tell you about it because it's none if his business. Don't be angry, it's just what friends do and what they're supposed to do. But that also means you are in this alone, you can't trust on anyone else but your own gut instinct and the things you've seen with your own eyes.
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