A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone, Thank you for taking time out to read this, especially since it is so long. I was in a relationship for 14 months. He and I got along very well. I have never enjoyed someone's company as much as I did with him. I found him engaging, funny, and thoughtful. That being said, he is also very broke. He has a 15 year old and 11 year old, that live with their mom and he sees every other weekend. Between child-support and bills, he is on an extremely limited budget. This meant that if I felt like going out to dinner, or basically anything aside staying as his place and eating there, I paid. But it was not just this, there were a couple of things with money that made me feel like he was being a bit inconsiderate. For example, he needed anti-depressant medication (he had been on this specific kind before and it worked well for him) and he couldn't afford to go to a psychiatrist. So I volunteered to get it for him since I am a student and have free healthcare. However, I still had to pay for meds, about $30 bucks. I brought up the cost, hoping he would fork out the money, and he never paid me back or mentioned that he would.Another time, he asked me for a loan of 120 bucks for his daughter's color guard event, I did and after 4 months never got the money back and still haven't. This really bothered me. I don't like when someone ask to borrow money and never pays it back, it's a big no-no in my book.Another time for Christmas, I decided that I would take him to buy his gift. There was about 150 dollars worth of stuff in there, when I noticed he had added some socks. He made no move to pay for it separately, something about it made me generosity was being pushed. I did a lot financially, I have the resources and I loved him and maybe it wasn't the best thing to do looking back, but I did. This all caught up to me, I got tired of paying most of the time for dinner and being the only party that could give financially in the relationship.We did have a conversation about this, and he agreed that I do too much financially. I think he tried to compensate by doing nice things for me in other ways. Surprise rose or roses, picking me up instead of me driving down, just little things that were thoughtful. I don't think he was sitting there thinking, "how i am gonna get more out of this sugar momma!" I know he was genuinely appreciative, but nonetheless, this was getting to me. Another thing is the fact that he has kids. A 11 year old and a 15 year old. I don't want kids, I think there great, but I personally do not want to raise a child. Anytime his ex-wife would change plans on him on the weekend, it would automatically change our plans. I got very frustrated with this. Finally, it got to the point where I said to him that occasionally (once in 6 months) I needed him to designate sometime for us that needed to be respected. So the idea was occasionally if we agree on a particular weekend about a month ahead of time, we would honor that time.So the time came, we agree on March 28th, this was my last weekend before I start a very hectic schedule with grad school which will continue till mid December. I don't have a summer break because I am taking class over the summer in another state. In any case, we agreed on that date, and when I brought it up again he mentioned that the 28th weekend wouldn't work because he has to go see his daughter perform in color guard. Mind you, she is performing on every Saturday, the whole month of March. Is it selfish that I thought it would be okay for him to miss 1 out of 4 performances? It probably does sound like it, especially to those of you who have kids. But I am being honest in saying that this really became the straw on my back.And then it dawn on me that we didn't really have a future together. He has kids, I don't really want to hang out with them, granted he only gets them every other weekend, it's not fair to him either. He deserves a partner who is more involved in his children's life and who is more open to it. Plus, since I am not a mother, it is very hard to see why he can never make definite plans with me, I just didn't see why he couldn't not go to one of the color guard event..probably not PC for me to say, but trying to be truthful. I know that attitude is also unfair to him. Then, he is so broke. And I am getting resentful footing all the bills. He is 36 and going back to school, while working, so it's going to be a long while before he has his B.A., something like 8 years. Meanwhile I will have a master's degree next year in June. Also, his mother has stage four cancer, although she is still very healthy looking and quite mobile. I wanted to move out of my parents home with him but the reality is his mother would have to come along. As much as I like her, this is also another burden and sacrifice. And of course, he has to take his mother with him, it's his obligation as a son.In short, he is a great guy, good son and dad but has limited resources to give as a partner. Writing this, it's a no-brainer why I left, but the emotional side of things is always strong. We had great rapport and I was in love with him, these things carry great weight. I can tell he is upset I broke it off. When we first broke up I told him I didn't need any of my clothes or anything from him. 5 days later, I realized I did need some important paperwork I had left at his home. I asked him to drop it off, and since he was already doing that, if he could drop off my clothes. He never responded to my email, but left the tax paperwork and nothing else. I am assuming he threw all my things out. That hurt me too, it had only been 5 days, and he already threw all my stuff out:( I later sent him a nice email, just wishing him well, and also heard nothing in response. I guess no response should be expected, we did break-up. But I remember hearing that a lot can be gain about a person into how they respond to the end of a relationship. I am just reeling. I need some words. These break-ups are so difficult. Do you all think I did the right thing? Ah, seems so simple on paper, I really didn't want to break-up as silly and maybe idiotic as it sounds. What I mean was I was still very much emotionally involved in the relationship and in love with him. I broke it off because on a logical level, I just don't see how it can work, especially if I am getting resentful and frustrated already. All that, eventually catches up. What do you all think?
View related questions:
broke up, christmas, ex-wife, his ex, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): You absolutely did the right thing. So many times we listen to our hearts and emotions rather than thinking with our heads and wind up in bad romantic situations, some of those long term, marriage, children, etc., when it would have been best if the relationship had ended long ago. Of course you're going to miss someone you were with for 14 months and whom you love. Give yourself a break, and let yourself adjust to life without him. He's hurting and doesn't want to hear from you, so respect that also. As hard as I know it is, you should give him time to adjust and go into no contact mode. I commend you for listening to your logical side and realizing this is not the situation for you.
A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (28 March 2014):
 We all want to be the number one priority in our significant other's life or to feel as though we are supremely important. This man has obligations to his children and to his mother and does not make enough money to do more than simply support his children. You were very generous with your finances and accommodating with your time and he was neither of those things. You felt taken for granted and like the least important thing in his life, it seems. I think you did the right thing for yourself because it was bothering you enough to break it off. Take some time to grieve and also know that in the future, you are more likely to recognize red flags in the beginning but also to seek out the good things you had with him. I think you can do better.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): I do think you were selfish but that's your prerogative.
You decided you couldn't handle the burdens and that's fair enough.
I hope you both find compatible partners.
Best wishes :)
...............................
|
