A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My bf always seems to have a financial crisis.I met my bf for over a year now. Few months after we were dating exclusive, I noticed that he was always anxious about money.Though, he doesn’t make lots of money but he works full time and make around $1700 per month. He is single, 45, lives alone with no child support or anything in those lines.He is a nice person to be around and generous and many times he offers to pay for the dates for both of us when we are out. I thank him for that.However, I do take my share as well and many times I also pay for both of us too. I am one of those women who don’t believe that only men should take care of the financial burden when it comes to relationship. Particularly when I can afford it.I am a single mom, so I learned to work hard in complete honesty to earn my living and take care of my kids, family etc.I have also learned to be disciplined about money. I don’t over spend, I don’t buy things with credit cards, particularly things that I can afford to live without like TVs, big stereo, etc, I don’t use credit cards for those. And whenever I happen to use my credit card, I automatically make a plan to pay back every month and put it on my budget. I have very good credit.Life has taught me to be wise and careful with money. I value the money I work so hard to earn and also value other people’s money. I don’t live my life in comparing myself to someone or envying the neighbor’s car and those kinds of things. I am happy with what I have and work hard for. I am 39, own my own home, and never defaulted. I pay my electricity, telephone bills on time. And whenever (if it happens that I am not able to pay before the due date) I call my telephone or electricity company to explain my situation and negotiate another due date, that way I don’t default. I found that they appreciate that so much and I earn more trust that way.My bf however, it is another story, he is full of debts, more than 25K and nothing, I mean absolutely NOTHING to show off for that kind amount of money in debts. He is 45, nothing; he has a 1992 old car, which is falling apart, really. He accumulated debts from different credits cards companies for the last 8 years. When I found about it, I was shocked because he doesn’t have anything to show for that kind of money in debts. To make the things worse, when I compassionately, lovingly and kindly tried to talk to him about the seriousness of that kind of behavior and tried to help him about different ways to get out of debts, he became irritated, and all he could say sarcastically was “I hear you, I hear you” you could see how careless he really is about putting his life back together financially.I would have loved to be able to help him, not with money but with support, but I don’t think he is willing to take very drastic steps to get out of his financial turmoil. Also I am still puzzled to know in what he has been spending that kind of money? Some people may have unpaid student loans, some may have new cars, houses, big stereos, 62” Plasma and you name it, but he doesn’t have none of these familiar things that put many people in huge debts. Can someone help me understand?Can you stay with a boyfriend like that in the name of love? Can someone like me feel guilty for leaving this kind of man? I don’t think he is in any moral position to teach anything to my kids (teens) with this kind of irresponsible behavior. I just need to hear what people here think about my situation. Thank you. for taking your time to read my post.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): I am in a similar situation. Unfortunately, I new nothing about my boyfriend's financial situation until he came to live with me. He led me to believe he was financially stable and my world came crashing down when I learned otherwise through mail arriving at my house. Unpaid IRS taxes, property taxes, car registrations, credit cards.....you name it. Then all of the LIES I caught him in. I only owe the IRS $3000. I'm on a repayment plan. In fact he owes the IRS $15000 and has defaulted on the payment plan. Then, the clincher......refusing to PAY to live with me. No rent. No utilities. No groceries. The list goes on.
Needless to say, he received the boot.
Moral of the store: Trust is earned, not blindly given away. Trust but verify! Lie=LIAR.
In NO WAY should YOU feel guilty because this guy can't get his life together. Continuing on will leave you with an albatross around your neck. CUt him loose.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, thank you so much for taking your precious time to read my post and try to help me with some clear inputs.
I noticed that my bf always worried about money and that was making me quite uncomfortable in our relationship.
I don't make a lots of money myself, but I don't live my life worrying about money. I work with the little I get and it has all been working good.
The more I knew him, the more I found that his life was not impressing. Am I wrong to expect that a 45 years single man, no child support, working full time would have at least have a steady and stable life financially?
I noticed he was spending lots of money eating out. I mean he couldn't even make coffee or tea at home, everything has to come from out. I tried to help him with that, but I also noticed that I had hard time making him see even the importance of cooking your own meal and not eating out every single day. The changes didn't come easily and still he eats out a lot. For me it is a luck of priorities and also luck of wisdom on how to spend money. Don't you think?
I started feeling more like a mother or counselor (which I didn't like to be), than a girl friend. But they were things like eating out everyday, not even having a coffe maker at home etc which were hard to ignore.
I also noticed that he smokes and I presume cigarettes are not cheap either. But I never noticed or suspected about drugs or anything on those lines. However, I want to admit that it may be a possibility (unfortunately).
About gambling, hard to say, but he liked talking about his lottery tickets. I had to cut him off every time he started talk/complaining on how his lottery tickets were not winning tckets. It annoyed me somehow, because I beleive in hard work.
However, when I discovered more than 25K in debt accumulated and unpaid throught the years, I feel like I am dealing with a dishonest and irresponsable person.
To thankfuly respond to all of you who have given me good insights, I now think that (gumbling, women, luck of life's priorities, irresponsability etc) all may be hidden issues behind the financial crisis. Money can't just desapear, it must go somewhere, and I don't think this is a man I want around my teens, any good example they can learn from him, despite how cheerful or good he may be with them.
Did I would be happy to have a man who respects me, loves me, treats me well etc, but whom I cannot trust when it comes to how he spends his money? I think my answer is NO. In the long run, that may be a huge burden and his love to me will mean nothing anymore.
I wanted to share these insights in here to be able to get the strenght and the support from you guys to move on without feeling guilty. Opening a new page never been easy, but I hope I will get there, one day at time, one step at time.
I am free lady, new journey for me. Ouf!!! I need to beleive that and take a deep breath. Thank you guys for responding.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): Money issues are one of the top reasons for divorce. You should not be with someone who is the opposite of you in regards to money. (Savers versus Spenders).
The reasons for his debt come down to some sort of a weakness. The extensive amount of his debt indicates a pretty serious deficincy. Not necessarily a bad person, but one who is very troubled and has no luck in reforming or becoming healthy.
You will not be his savior who can change him or heal him. The issues he deals with in his mind, are greater than what someone can do FOR him. It's very deep in him and not going to be fixed anytime soon. Possibly never.
Use these facts (and do your own research into books and articles about divorce attributed to money problems) so that you can shed the guilt of the decision you are making when you leave him. Do not feel guilty. You are protecting yourself and steering yourself clear of an apparent mess that would encompass every other facet of your life. Get away while you can.
Leaving the one you love is NEVER easy and quite often it's damn near IMPOSSIBLE because yes, it feels like your soul is being ripped out when you are in the beginning of the end. Remember, time heals, you will make it out alive and one day be happy & thankful for your decision. It's just possible enough, that you can do it! Find the strength in books and articles on divorce. That is my number one advice. It helped carry me though my heartbreak after the end of a 7 year relationship. Good luck to ya!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 I can help you understand. The man is generous and money is not that important to him, except as a means to his ends. Which don't seem to be drugs or whores or the like, but mere generosity.
This nice Rip Van Winkle is very much unlike you in that department. Seems that is a major problem.
Sometimes we mean something, but people perceive our actions in a very different manner. So your "compassionate, loving and kind" suggestion was not well received, because you were telling the man how he would spend his money. And he's 45.
You can choose to leave him, but you can't choose to tell him how to spend his money.
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A
female
reader, TeaLady  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Stay with him but keep your finances separate.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Is he a womanizer? Does he have a problem with drugs or alcohol? Is he honest, respectful and compassionate? Does he treat you with dignity and respect? How does he treat your children? I understand your concerns about his financial situation. Do you think his debt is the result of any illegal or immoral activity? Ever hear the saying "everyone's got something"? Is there anything about you that he is equally concerned about?
On the other hand, when you tried to have an open and honest conversation about your concerns "all he could say sarcastically was “I hear you, I hear you” he may not be open to "changing his ways". I would keep trying to talk about this with him but give yourself a deadline. If there is not an "action plan" in place by such and such a day then I think you know what it is you have to do.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 February 2011):
 I mean, you could warn him that you will leave if he doesn't try to get his act together. maybe his debts are due to a substance or gambling issue, does he seem to be hiding anything from you?
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 February 2011):
I think you two are too different to work out; you can only 'help' someone who wants help; the alternative is you have to get comfortable looking the other way (ie. enabling a debtor), which it seems like crossing your boundaries.
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