A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys I'm 26 and my gf is 20. We have a two year old daughter together and had one hell of a relationship. It turned ugly a few times and had to get my parents to come help us out and referee it. We live together and we tell each other i love you. But deep deep down im dying! I havent gone out with my friends or been out since 2008 when the phillies won the world series lol. This is coming from a guy who went out every single night with my friends. My gf doesnt like my friends either. She thinks they are bad influences. But i met her through them and she was friends with them before i was? Go figure! So i just feel like i need to breathe a little bit. She will go nuts if i tell her i am talking to them which i am on facebook and texting. I feel like im cheating on her in a way? Its not a good feeling. I hate the fact that i have to sneak around to talk to a couple old buddies of mine. I also had to lie to her to grab a drink with them forever ago. If she knew shed flip out. What do i do? Because im getting more and more depressed each day. I had a great single life. My life definitely didnt suck before i met her, thats for sure. I was having the time of my life. I want to be honest and confront her that im totally unhappy but she will go insane and have a cry fest. I love my daughter and shes totally a daddy's girl and is so attached to me. Do i end the relationship? Because im telling you once i talk to her about this she'll like FLIP OUT. Help please help!
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Shame.
I actually thought you could be saved there for a second.
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (25 February 2011):
OP if you can't help yourself then no one else will be able to. You've had loads of excellent advice here but you've chosen to ignore all of it. If you are so easily manipulated then no, you don't have a prayer. If you let someone treat you in this way without putting up any resistance then they will continue to do it.
I'm afraid it's either a case of stop complaining and deal with it, or do something about it and make a change for the better; you can't have it both ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): You are SO whipped...and the sad thing is you probably like it on some level. I'm done giving advice. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): She's got you wrapped around her little finger. Man up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Look, you are nearly 30 years old! Act like it. Tell her how you feel, sit down and talk like adults.
If she still won't understand then you can carry on being miserable or leave and make arrangements to see your daughter.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Have you not read any of the advice given??? Let me sum it up for you..
A. Man up and dump her. But that's probably not going to happen because she has your balls in jar on her nightstand.
-OR-
B. Or stay with her and be miserable for the rest of your life. You're pretty much screwed. It's clear who wears the pants in this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe said so what your going to go out and dont know what time your going out? thats shady! so what your going to go get drunk and cheat on me! thats shady you wouldnt like that if i said that to you bla bla bla! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG i dont have a prayer!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): You're her boyfriend, not her babysitter!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Try saying "no". I'm sure she'll survive an evening alone. She's a human being for godsake! You make it sound like you're house training a puppy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so she cried pretty much and i caved! im a sucker man! shes like yea i love you i wanna be with you bla bla bla and if you want to go out with your friends we can work with that. so i told her im going out tonight and im not sure what time ill be home bla bla bla. and she cried and said dont do that to me i love you so much. and i caved man. i gave into her and told her im not going out. my life is over! it really is. i guess im a puss? i dunno. im just so damn frustrated. i feel like george costazna. what do i gotta do to get out of this thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): you cannot give into her.. stick to the taking a short break plan.. spend some time with your buddies and let her think everything thru
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (24 February 2011):
Yes, she's going to sit there and pull the puppy dog eyes on you hoping you'll change your mind about the break. Stand you're ground, you can't budge.
You two can move out and take a break but you're still together..so you both need to take this apart time to rekindle your former friendships(if they'll have you) or make new friends. Don't be rushing to her side everyday, don't let her tell you can't do this or that. Just be honest with her, if she asks where you're going and what you're doing. Really use this break for it's intended purposes.
Good luck to you!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (24 February 2011):
I applaud you for standing up to her, really, it took guts.
But its easy to stand up to her once... the hard part is standing up to her whenever she tries to test your boundaries or manipulate you to change back to the way that made her feel more secure.
You have to be a rock. You're basically saying, this is who I am, this is what I need to be happy in a relationship, if you can't deal with that- then there's the door. Even the strongest rock can get worn down over time though and that's what you've gotta be aware of.
For example, when you first started dating her, if she said- you have to give up all your friends, you wouldn't even consider continuing to date her (hopefully). Over time though shes worn you down to where you are now. I doubt she'll change and I predict she'll do everything she can to wear you down again. Even if she lets you contact your friends, whats a bet she whinges, is bitter, moody, punishes you with the silent treatment, moans, argues etc. etc. so much that you just eventually don't see the drama as worth the trouble and find yourself shirking your friends again.
You've taken the first step, but not giving any ground on this issue is going to be the hard part. Yes, short answer, you will have to be cruel to be kind.
Good-luck and try to keep us informed :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok well i had the talk with her and told her everything. she was very upset started crying. but i held my ground and didnt give into her. so she talked to her mom on her phone outside and came back in and said maybe we can just take a break i can go live with my mom for a little bit but we can still be together. so i thought of it and im like yea maybe we can do that. but she slept in my bed last night and was kind of being lovey dovey towards me i dont want her to think everythings ok again and forget what we talked about. so what im saying is do i have to be cruel to be kind here?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (24 February 2011):
I apologize for coming across as being harsh, but you're a 26 year old man you know what you need to do in order to be happy.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (23 February 2011):
Here's your options:
Continue living in misery for the rest of your life because you can't grow a pair and stand up to her. Of course it isn't going to be easy when there is a child involved, it never is.
-OR-
1. You stand up to her and tell her things need to start changing around here. I.e., you're going to start hanging out with your friends again because it's HEALTHY and she can have a social as well. Plus this whole her not trusting you will have to end. If she can't trust you then you two DO NOT need to be in a relationship. No trust=no relationship or a very miserable one(oh wait, you're in that now).
2. If she can't accept the terms of #2 then it's time to DUMP her. Now, I suggest you come to some kind of agreement regarding visitations and child support (she couldn't take you to court if you're already providing child support. I suggest saving receipts). However, she may get ignorant and keep your daughter from you, that's when you would go to court.. If that's the case then so be it, it's your daughter we're talking about. I'm sure you will do whatever it takes to exercise your fatherly rights.
Those are your ONLY choices. Choose wisely.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (23 February 2011):
So when you were 18, this girl was 12... and yet she now keeps your testicles in her coin purse. I can't be the only one that sees how pathetic that is and how much you need to stand up for yourself. You're a man for flip sake!
Honestly I'd write a lengthy reply, but I've done it countless times and I'm yet to hear from anybody I've written to in a relationship this abusive actually break out... If you can't listen to your friends (whom I bet despise her), then why the hell would you listen to complete strangers?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is she pretty much dumped her friends because they were drama queens and she's like, well if I'm gonna get rid of mine, then you gotta get rid of your "asshole friends". So I'm like ok! And that's pretty much what I did. But shes VERY VERY insecure. I asked her if she trusted me. She said, yea I do but not when your around your friends. How am I supposed to take that? What does that mean? Honestly, I wouldn't mind going the hell out and meeting a NORMAL girl, but like I said we live together with the baby and if we seperate she's gotta move back in with her mom and she's going to take me to court bla bla bla. It's a BIG MESS that I'm in and she has NO IDEA I'm feeling this way. It's killing me deep deep deep down inside.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): If you are going so far out of the way to avoid hurting her feelings and avoiding conflict, then to some degree you are enabling her controlling behavior.
You seem like a decent guy, you obviously don't want to hurt her and you don't like lying to her, but you feel you have no other choice. If she is this controlling, she likely has a personality disorder....
Or it may be that she doesn't want you to enjoy what she can't have in the way of friends...Has she maintained friendships with her friends prior to your daughter's birth? Does she have a social life or is she too busy always taking care of the kid? If she misses having a social life, because she is now a mother, she may resent what you feel is an inherent right.
If this is the case, opening up with her problem (even if she doesn't bring it up) might the way to get her to address yours in an open and more empathetic way.
You are a young couple and if you love her I think you both can evolve into better people..(I'm not sure you do given the fact that you just "say it"). I'd suggest marriage counseling. You call her insane, but it seems you are unreasonably afraid of her.
Both of you seem to treat each other like children;
she's treating you like a teenage son she has to discipline. You tell her white lies because you think she's incapable of handling the truth as if she were some teenage girl.
It probably won't be easy, but you have to take a stand on what relationships you want to preserve; with her and with your daughter. You're right, you can't go on like this, but I think you need to put your fear aside and talk to her.
There is no other way out of your problem...you obviously hate lying to her. Unless you want to become someone you hate, you need to learn to disagree with her openly, even if she flips out.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): I understand you're in a tough spot. But listen, in a relationship, if one person bans the other from seeing their friends, that's nearly always a deal breaker. I hate saying that, because you have a little girl.
And since you DO have a child together, this CANNOT be a deal breaker yet but YOU MUST TALK TO HER NOW! I mean right now. When you're done reading this, close the computer and go talk to her. It's not going to get any easier. If need be, ask your parents to come and mediate first, but tell her that she absolutely cannot ban you from seeing your friends. You are a grown man, and you deserve your friends. Otherwise, you're bound to leave her (leave out that part for now). But it's true. This situation is unacceptable. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (23 February 2011):
Wow you're a 26 year old man allowing your 20 year old girlfriend to control you and dictate your every move.
You're guy's relationship is so bad that you had to get your parents to intervene? That's pretty awful. If you two are going to make it then she needs to drop the controlling act, and sort out the arguments yourself. However, I see you giving her what she wants when she turns on the waterworks.
You need to stand up to her and break this off. You're not happy, missing the single life, and you can't hang out with much less talk to your friends! Just because you break up with her doesn't mean you have to stop being a daddy...It's possible to work out an arrangement for child support and joint custody.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): ok, soo take it from a female point of view-The girl loves you and wants you to have positive friends now that u have a child together. and u must do that. relationships are compromised, not a one way street so talk it out with her. Maybe there's one friend in particular? but you do need friends! does she hang put with friends? she could be a bit jelouse or insecure. she probably wants the "great father figure" type so try to impress her more! take her out if you want to go out so badly. make her feel special and maybe, she will be ok with u having some healthy good times with some good ppl once a week or so.
do u ever invite her to hang with u and ur friends? do they have gf's or are they all single?
are they indeed good ppl?
you have to cnsider her side if she has legit reasoning, ALWAYS ALWAYS take her feelings into consideration first.
that's the rule when you are commited nd have a child. and please, no fighting in front of your daughter!
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A
male
reader, Leodjoneluv +, writes (23 February 2011):
 You are not married but you have to consider her feelings. You have to understand that she is young and may need some growing up to do. It's all about trust. Why want you invite her to hang out with you and your friends one night. She may feel comfortable if she knew them. The baby changes everything. You cant walk away from her so you have to work with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): ok sounds like she is jealous she needs to give you some freedom to hang out with your friends.. does she have friends she hangs out with? if not she needs to get her own girlfriends and go out. you do need to tell her that these are your friends and you need your own guy time and if she cant respect that then you'll have to end it bc it'll get worse down the road. it'll drive you more crazy you cant spend every waking moment with her you both need some space such as getting out with friends.. what do they do that she doesnt like? probably nothing just take you away from her
now tell her to go out with some girlfriends and you go out with your guy friends.. again if she can't respect that then take a break from the relationship for a bit. it'll work itself out. i do not recommend breaking up if you love her but you need your guy time and she needs some girl time.. just take a short break away from each other
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A
male
reader, sevenseals +, writes (23 February 2011):
 What she's doing is a form of abuse. The reason you feel depressed is because your social life has been eradicated (more or less), and no matter how strong a relationship bond may be, we can't escape our need to socialize and just hang out.
Does she hang out with her friends freely? Maybe there's something deeper going on than just her "not liking" your friends.
You need to step up and defend your needs, and remind her that you're not both working within the relationship just for her benefits. Her irrational behavior is a detriment to your mental health, and either you get help from a professional, or you move on. It might even be better that way, especially if that sort of negativity is also affecting your daughter.
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