A
female
age
36-40,
*rndz4life
writes:if someones love interest doesnt give enough time,love, emotional and mental support the care and need and also doesnt take part in sorting such differences by mutual talk then does it give the other partner to cheat on him/her, is it justified rather fair in a commited relation ???? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2012): To Kittykat....I will tell you that I did finally leave. I had an affair after 20 years of marriage. I did not want to disrupt my families lives and cause them pain. But I was very sad, day after day. After the affair was over, I was even sadder. I did not want to be the cheating wife. I eventually divorced....and now things are even worse. Everyone has been very angry with me.. my children, my family, his family, friends. All they ever saw was a great guy. So I am the bad one. I hardly have any support. I am constantly depressed. My husband made 4X the money that I did. I left with hardly much as he had a new business that took most of our savings and 401K. I was never staying for material things. I was staying to do the honorable thing and keep my family together. The divorce has caused so much pain for so many people and I am ridden with guilt. So for all the women (or men) out there who are sad because their spouse will not give them the affection they need, and they are doing what they should, I have no answer. I guess you just have to accept the life and be honorable and stay..and sad. Or move on and be possibly sadder in other ways unless you are fortunate to find the right person for you. I have had two relationships since the divorce..one ended up to be controlling and possessive and I got out quickly. The other was nice but irresponsible and neglectful with important things in his life. So I left a great, nice, responsible guy because I was starving emotionally and sexually. If I could go back I would. Back to the vibrator :(
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (31 July 2012):
Hi. As there are no children, well then the problem probably isn't financial.
It could be something to do with job security.
So you will just have to be very patient with him in reaching the point where he is ready to share his problems with you.
Hopefully, it may not be too long.
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female
reader, Kittykatt988  +, writes (30 July 2012):
Below poster when you make vows you say for better and for worse. So no your point is wrong. Why stay in a relationship for materialism? And kids if you are not happy simply leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): Justifiable. Maybe not...buuuutt... What if the woman who is not getting her needs met and has done all that she can. She has been a good mother, a good wife, a wonderful housekeeper, appreciates her husband and lets him know, has every outfit most guys would run right into the bed for, and is beautiful and takes care of herself. STILL, her husband has little interest in sex. Then what? Yes, she wants to leave. She can not. It was be devastating financially for her and her kids. What should she do?
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female
reader, frndz4life +, writes (29 July 2012):
frndz4life is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanka a lot for ur suggestion. i am trying to work it out.
Dorothy Dix, thanks a lot for taking time out for giving tips. its been 3 yrs that we are together and yeah!!!!he does love me coz he doesnt wanna lose me at any cost thats wat he said.we never had any past relations as such and no we dont have kids as we arent still settled in our careers i havent been complaining in the "talks" that we had.
i know he has some problems i am just trying to find out the problem bothering him.
still i would try watever u suggested and find way out
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (29 July 2012):
Hello again. When you say you have tried to get him to talk about things, and he doesn't seem to respond, or want to do anything about it, what is it you have done so far?
What attempts have you made to have a talk, and how have you gone about it?
Sometimes it's not so much what you say, but how you say it that really counts.
For instance, if you say something to him along the lines of:-
"You never want to go out anywhere, you only want to stay home all the time."
OR, "I don't like this about our relationship ..."
OR, "You never put the garbage out each week, it's always me who does it and never you."
OR, "You never help me around the house, I have to do everything."
OR, "You don't offer to help me do the dishes after our meals."
I could go on and on here obviously, however I think you get the idea of what I am trying to say about having a chat with your partner.
Each of the above are clearly stated as a complaining type of comment.
I am not saying that this is how you say things to him, it's more that when we are unhappy with a situation and it has gone on for a while - months or years even - we can let things go without saying anything, and then eventually it really does get to us to the point, of where we are rather unhappy overall.
So then what happens, is when we can't hold it in anymore and simply HAVE to say something, it can often come out as a complaint and like we are picking on our partner, which never goes down well.
And it usually puts them straight away on the defensive, and then usually an argument pursues and all hell breaks loose.
And so they further withdraw from conversation of this kind again.
There could even be other factors involved here for him, such as he might be unhappy with his job and is considering leaving and perhaps a career change involved in doing that.
He could have come to a crossroads in his life which may have nothing whatsoever to do with your relationship as such.
Nevertheless, if one area of our lives is not how we would like it to be, and we do nothing about it, well then it will certainly flow over into all other areas of our lives at the same time.
Which undoubtedly, will certainly show up in our relationships - negatively - as you are seeing for yourself.
Maybe even, there could be other traumas in his life which he has never mentioned to you before now, that could be keeping him on edge and a bit withdrawn.
It could certainly account for not wanting to talk about stuff with you, couldn't it?
And supposing it was something to do with his current job, if it isn't that he is not happy where he is, it could even be that the company has told it's workers that there may be some downsizing, or a hint at closing for business soon, in the not too distant future - you just never know.
And if that was the case - and we don't know that it isn't - he could be slowly simmering away, at what his next career move might be.
And he might be keeping it completely to himself while he considers his options.
So what I am suggesting here, is that it's entirely possible that the problem you perceive as being some kind of relationship issues, might not be relationship based at all.
It's possible.
And so because of that, it's also very likely that as he doesn't want to talk about things with you, you therefore will naturally come to an assumption that it must be about you and the relationship generally.
And that response, would be perfectly normal.
In saying this, remember that a lot of men don't like to discuss their personal problems with ANYONE!
Not even their partners.
And men can often see discussing their own problems with anyone else, as a character weakness.
It's old school thinking here.
Where they believe they should be the man of the house and sort out their own problems by themselves - WITHOUT any outside help.
And it's a hard habit to break in men.
It probably comes from their own father and his father, and his father before that.
So it might be a situation where you just have to be very patient with him and see what unfolds, in time.
It might be that he will think about it and think about it some more, over several weeks, then suddenly he will come to a decision and then he will tell you at that time.
And then it will be all smooth sailing from that point on.
Because he has said that he still loves you, etc., it seems that to end your relationship is NOT on his mind, so that seems to point to something else being the real issue here.
You haven't mentioned this at all, but do you and him have any children together?
Or, if not, does he have any children to anyone else before he met you, who he has a financial obligation to support at the moment?
If the answer is yes to either of those questions, well that could then mean he has some financial problems in his life right now, which is influencing his decision making, regards his commitment to your relationship and what the future holds for the two of you.
And as he won't talk about what's really bugging him, it's all guesswork for you, which makes it's incredibly frustrating, no doubt.
So it may not be that he doesn't see you as a future wife for him. More, that he has all these other issues - financial and perhaps the security of his current job, that's heavily weighing on the direction to take, regarding his life.
He may have a lot on his mind at the moment, which he just doesn't want to talk about with you.
Even though you feel that to cheat might be an escape from this situation at home, unfortunately it isn't a real solution - only an escape, which does nothing.
It's far better for all concerned, to either part ways - which would probably be your decision (not his) - OR, that you reach a point down the track, where he decides to open up to you about what his problems are.
You could be very surprized, to find that his problems as I mentioned earlier, are NOT anything at all to do with the relationship, and more to do with things happening in his own life.
So the real question is, how to get him to open up to you about what's going on.
He will probably do this in his own time, once he has decided what it is he wants from his life right now.
And that decision could take a little while.
And you can't force him into a decision, unfortunately.
If you did get fed up with the way things are and him NOT wanting to talk about it, well then if you did say to him - "I'm sorry (his name), but I can't do this anymore with you not wanting to talk, so I think it's time we parted ways, don't you?"
And this could be the very statement that will trigger some kind of opening up by him.
Once he sees that the rug is about to be pulled out from under him, when he least expects it.
Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone.
Which to him would mean, that he would then realize that he really COULD lose you, after all.
And if he loves you as much as he says he does, well then he won't want to lose you at all.
However, if you do make that statement about parting ways, you will have to be absolutely prepared to move forth on that action.
Otherwise, it will lose all it's power for you and you will be back to square one, once more.
Which is where you are now.
And if you did make that statement and didn't follow through on leaving him, well then you are not making him accountable for his actions.
He needs to know you will do what you say you will do, if things DO NOT change, in the near future.
And to show some signs by him, of moving towards change, right now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): There is no "but". Get out of the relationship if your partner is not meeting your needs. Just get out. How many more ways can everyone tell you that there is nothing to justify cheating? End the relationship and figure out what it is you want from a partner and start again. The right one will come along when they supposed to. If you are enclined to cheat on your current partner because not doing this and that...you have to remember that the person you get involved with will never trust you completely knowing how they entered the picture in the first place. Be honest and true to yourself and move on....CHEATING IS NOT THE ANSWER!
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female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (28 July 2012):
 Then why are you staying with him? The relationship is obviously useless to you, and you're unhappy.
Just break up with him!
Why go through the trouble of hiding unfaithfulness when it would be easier and faster (Not to mention more morally sound) to just end your farce of a relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2012): If your boyfriend doesn't even try than what's the point in being a relationship with him? Don't cheat on him, that won't get his attention, that'll only make matters worse and would most likely end the relationship. Just end it with your boyfriend if you're not satisfied, cheating is never a good solution to any problem and will never resolve anything. All it does is hurt people and if you really loved this person you wouldn't be thinking of cheating in the first place, so I best suggest that you end this relationship now.
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female
reader, Kittykatt988 +, writes (28 July 2012):
No how can it be justified? It shows lack of integrity an commitment to another person. It's disrespectful and shallow. If you partner is not willing to talk about the problems then just leave. How can cheating fill an emotional void because let's be honest in the end the grass is not greener on the other side. You are not considering all the implications it causes more problems than it fixes. Just leave save yourself from becoming dirty and disrespectful.
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female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (28 July 2012):
 No. End the relationship.
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female
reader, frndz4life +, writes (28 July 2012):
frndz4life is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut there is a communication shut down between us my partner is not ready to do a mutual talk,neither justifying acts, telling the problems bothering nor ready to part ways claming to love me but also not ready to give time ,love and care.
how am i supposed to understand wats goin on in mind.its just like i am trying to reconcile ,take out time for the relation ,ready to go out just two of us but there is a 0 percent response to my acts...
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (28 July 2012):
Sorry hit add by accident, but to fininsh my cynical comment, isn't cheating the way many people change relationships? You want a new car or tv you don't throw away the old one first and have a perood of walking or reading books whilst you decide on the new one!! I don't advocave such a view, although I must admit to changing partners a couple of times with small "overlaps", but I was young then!!
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reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (28 July 2012):
Obviously cheating is wrong, thats why cheating is cheating. But what do you define as cheating? Is it just sex? For many people sex is just the physical act and separated from anything to do with love or commiment. Is touching, dating, dining, buying presents, or just thinking about a person other than your partner, cheating? What about looking at porn or sex shows? Clearly if you are lying and prefering to do stuff not with your partner you are cheating on them in my book. But if circumstances are such that you are apart and do things with others, including sex, that you know your partner would do and you don't mind, then it isn't cheating. I think the grey area is why we do anything with a person other than our partner? Sometimes they lead to consequences that change relationships. Maybe we genetically wired to always check if there is someone better to be with. I think one issue is that society now places little value on monogomy and commitment. We are living in a consume and throw away mentality
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reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 July 2012):
Hi there. You really need to talk to him about what bothers you about the relationship.
If you haven't already said something to him, well then you need to.
It's best if you both sit down together and have a chat about everything.
Most things in relationships can always be sorted out easily, with some conversation and always with love and respect, and consideration for that person's feelings.
No, I don't believe cheating is ever really justified.
The reason I say that, is because of what I said earlier, that it's so easy to sit down and have a friendly chat.
If you have said nothing to your partner up until now, well then there's a good chance he has no idea that there is a problem at all!
So in the absence of something being said, there is the natural assumption by the other prson that everything must be okay.
It's always better to be upfront and honest with someone you are committed to, about any relationship issues that exist, because it solves problems straight away and you can then both make any necessary changes.
The longer you leave it to say something, well then it just starts to fester.
And then one day you might just EXPLODE!
And he will wonder why it happened.
The real point here is, if it's enough of a problem that it makes you unhappy, well then it's definitely important enough to talk about with your partner.
If you say nothing, well then he doesn't know there's a problem.
You need to have this talk with your partner as soon as possible - don't leave it one more day.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (27 July 2012):
Cheating is never justified. EVER. If your partner isn't giving you what you need, LEAVE. Don't cheat.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (27 July 2012):
Can cheating ever be justified? Well, let’s take a moment to consider what is meant by the word “cheating.” Cheating is when a person acts with some-one in a way that is unacceptable to their partners. Therefore, if you’re cheating, it inevitably means that you’re doing something that your partner would be unhappy about. If you had an open relationship and you were permitted to have sex with other people, for example, this would not be cheating. It would be cheating if you did this whilst in an exclusive relationship. So because cheating means doing things that fall outside of acceptable boundaries within the relationship, it can never be justified. If you’re not happy with your partner’s behaviour, and talking fails to work, you should leave the relationship if you can’t tolerate the situation and there is no way to resolve it. It’s not an excuse to be unfaithful.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): No way! Cheating is NOT COOL! Period.
For example, I'm more than fully convinced that my ex WAS cheating on me, before she dumped me. I think this, as a platonic female friend of mine asked if I would be heartbroken if the girl I was seeing was dating someone else. I am convinced from just that, alone.
It MIGHT seem minute, but, just you wait and see, as I didn't feel loved by my ex. And, believe me, she strung me along, for 2 YEARS. I can tell, as from the very start, she just flirted with other guys, RIGHT in front of me, and, also, she hardly gave a damn that she was hurting me.
Another sign I feel is strong is that she kept keeping whatever was on her cell, such as texting or whatever, during a date, private.
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reader, dougbcoll +, writes (27 July 2012):
 "is cheating fair or justified in a committed relationship if?" cheating on a partner , husband, or wife is never justified even if the other person is cheating. two wrongs does not make things right. if a person is feeling neglected they should first try and convey that with their partner. a person can be driven to someone else by neglect. the neglected partner that is starving for attention starts getting attention , kindness , nice comments from someone else and then you have a partner cheating in a affair. the bad thing is it will leave the person doing the cheating feeling dirty and guilty. so i would suggest counseling , or marriage counseling if you are married. the both of you should go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): No. There is NOTHING to justify cheating. If said person is not meeting your needs and you are unhappy, then end the relationship and move on. Cheating is a cowardly and immature way to deal with problems. There is no place for cheating in a committed relationship.
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reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 Absolutely not. Cheating is never justified under any circumstance. For whatever reason anyone gives for doing it, it still hurts one or more people and that sort of heartache just isn't necessary.If someone is feeling the need the cheat, for whatever reason, then you cannot completely love the person you are considering cheating on. If they are not satisfying your needs then you either need to talk to your partner about it and see if the relationship can adjust or they're not completely right for you and you should just put yourselves out of your misery before jumping into another person's bed.It's a cruel thing to do and often there's just a sense of lust because someone is giving you attention that you haven't had for a while. This is a flattering experience and can make us feel like maybe the grass could possibly be greener. But it rarely ever is because the excitement and the adrenaline of trying not to get caught whilst cheating or having mindblowing experiences fades pretty quickly when you try a relationship with them.I have been on both sides of the fence. When I stupidly did it, I was constantly racked with guilt and I cannot fathom why I did what I did considering how much it frayed that relationship and emotionally drained me. But on the other side, being cheated on is possibly one of the worst feelings you can possibly imagine. Knowing that your partner is happier being with someone else but continuing to be with you just sticks the knife and twists a huge hole inside of you.So no, cheating can never be justified. If you truly loved your partner you would never consider it. If you are considering then your partner isn't right for you and you should end the relationship painlessly before too many people get involved and get hurt.
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