A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone possibly help me with that "married man dilemma"? First, I am very aware of the sentiments of most of the advisers here, so let me say right off the bat that I have always agreed on the point but I am in such deep distress right now that I am willing to risk angry replies just for the possibility of getting help here. Please help.Background is this... I am married and have been happily so for 20 years. Several months ago, a man started working in the same building where I work. He is also married for 15 years. We got to know each other (at work only, although we did have lunch a few times during the work day), and I have to confess I have fallen for him in a big way. There is an enormous amount of chemistry from my perspective, and I think he might feel the same. However, nothing has been said to that effect by either of us. I just feel that mysterious connection that you're always reading about. If I could have designed a "near-perfect" man, he would be it. I think about him almost nonstop. I don't seek him out, but he seems to come and find me fairly often just to chat. We have talked about shallow things and deeper things and exchanged some very nice compliments, but absolutely nothing has been said that would be seen as trying to start something. There have been a couple of occasions when we hugged briefly but I think it was in a simple friendly manner. I know it is wrong, but I feel like I want this man in my life and yet I am constantly stressed about the situation. I have no bad motives, but I can't seem to turn off my emotions. The torment is intense. My questions are these: 1) Is it ever possible that 2 married people just simply fall for each other and can't help it?, and 2) How can I remove these ideas from my mind? If anyone can jam some sense into me, I'd appreciate it. Thank you Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (5 February 2008):
 Hi,
just think of one thing. He may seem like the perfect man, but he is still just a man. This means some days he will wake up in a bad mood and take it out on you, he will get sick, he will want to stay at home and do something when you want to go out and do something, and vice versa, he will have a family giving you a hard time for making him leave his wife, he will have financial commitments to take care of, he may have disgusting personal habits which will drive you crazy...etc etc.
The point I am trying to make is you have gotten used to your husband's habits, now this new man has come on the scene and all you see are roses, you are not seeing what he is like 24/7.
And most significantly if you guys do hook up you sure as hell will find out rather quickly how much of a guy he is when you are both faced with divorce courts, assets being divided, you may lose access to your children or if they are grown up you will be shunned by them, you will treated as a homewrecker in the local community. These things will quickly take the shine of Mr Perfect and you could most likely end up on your own wondering where the hell it all went wrong.
Good luck, but you know what you have to do.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 February 2008):
 It's so true, love isn't a feeling, it's something that is done. And that something that is done is a choice. I heard a quote not too long ago, but it really explains the four letter "L" word. True love is the choice to love them, without any expectation in return.
You mention that you've been happily married for 20 years. What an accomplishment. It's great to see someone who values longevity in marriage.
With your husband, of 20 years, you know what he's like. You know his habbits, personalities, and behaviors. You know that being married to him, you're happy. If you left all that for this other person, how do you know that his public behavior (which your attracted too) is the same as his private behaviors? There are quite a few people out there that are great in public, and at work, but at home, it's a living hell being around them.
What your goal needs to be is how can you get your marriage from just being happy, to exilerating, and great. It sounds like you're with a wonderful person. Instead of keeping this other guy on your mind, use your time to show your husband just how great you think he is.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 February 2008):
 Two weak , insane and foolish people(married) can fall in love with each other and leave a trial of destruction to two families.
You may think of him like a golden statue when you are in love , but when you wake up , he is only made of clay.
In the end , they destroy each other. Justice is served!
For love is blind.
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A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (5 February 2008):
"Love is NOT a feeling. It's something we do!"
Thank you for that Annie. I agree wholeheartedly.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (5 February 2008):
 Totally agree with ANNIE67's last line. Love isn't a feeling, It's something we do. It all of those mornings full of spilled milk and Cheerios's, an still finding time to worry that his meeting goes okay, or his kiss and a promise to bring home take-out tonight because he knows that you have been run off your feet. The perfect man may be right in front of you. You are just forgetting to look at him the way that you used to because of all of the day-to-day hassles that we all face. I'm sure that with the love-goggles off - Two screaming kids and a never-ending list of worries and bills would turn Mr. Perfect back into the fantasy/delusion that he is. Try to snap out of it and remember all of the reasons why you married your husband in the first place. You remember - all of those vows you made? This is the time where you are supposed to cleave onto your husband because of the bad times. The bad times are NOW. Get into some counseling and save your family.
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A
female
reader, ANNIE67  +, writes (5 February 2008):
I was in an almost identical situation to you some 3 years ago, wandering whether to pursue a relationship with a married man. I was married, not necessarily unhappily may I add, but this man just seemed too irresistable to ignore. My marriage had become quite stale and predictable although I was not desperately unhappy, I just felt something was missing and this man was it! The missing piece. The person I should have married! So, without regard for anybody but myself, I decided to embark on an affair with him and we fell head over heels in love. I couldn't concentrate on anything but him and the love was out of this world. And now? Well, I am now divorced, suffering from incredible guilt for having hurt my ex husband so deeply and causing a huge upheaval in my childrens' lives. My lover never left his wife, although the promises and attempts over the years left me hanging on with hope. Our affair lasted 19 months on and off, eventually ended a year ago this month just as my decree absolute hit my mat. He is still with his wife, I still dream about him being "the one for me", my ex husband hates me and I feel I have aged 10 years through the stress of it all. I swapped family camping trips to the seaside with in-laws round for Sunday lunch for a passionate, romantic affair that turned out to be just an escapism, a delusion from the reality of family and love.
My advice? Don't go there! Please listen to this advice as it's what I told myself in my head over and over yet still allowed my heart to take a leap. Life is not all hearts and flowers as there are real issues at stake here. First and foremost, your marriage. You have made a vow to your husband to stay faithful which, although it may seem trivial right now, one day that broken vow could come and slap you in the face. Be true to yourself, is your marriage worth keeping? Leave your husband if you must, but don't cheat on him and don't tempt a man away from his wife just because you can. If this man has problems in his marriage let him sort them out first. Men are easily swayed into extra marital affairs - it doesn't take a lot of persuasion from a pretty female admirer. But an extra marital affair will only end in heartache and guilt and so many people's lives can get ruined. For what? A feeling? Love is NOT a feeling. Its something we do!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (5 February 2008):
 I don't think the advisors here are angry at those in such a dilemma, but if you are unhappily married, the recourse is called divorce. Hopefully, no young children are involved.
Of course, some women (and men) remain married for security or whatever but "play" on the side. That is called adultery, but whatever rings the bells.
To answer your first question, two married individuals may certainly become attracted when not getting what they want and need at home.
A second question answer might be to spice up your married sex life, do things you never tried before (if your partner is interested) and let the explorations take over your thoughts. I struck out three times in the marriage game and do not play anymore. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (5 February 2008):
Oh dear. You have really got a problem and it is likely that there is no easy answer.With regard to your first question, yes it is possible but I believe that when this does happen it is because the pre-existing relationships are weakened by other factors.There may be all sorts of dynamics and emotions hitting deeply here and you have not discussed enough about other factors. But I would recommend that you personally see a relationship counsellor that you can discuss your marriage and your mixed up feelings with. Then maybe that counsellor will suggest that they want to see both you and your husband together. That will be hard but a good idea.You also need to develop some emotional self defence mechanisms in relation to this other man. Tell him that your friendship and the personal time you spend together is causing you problems (but do not get specific about what these problems are) and that you would appreciate it if he could give you some space. His response will tell you one of two things. If he steps back and gives you space without taking offence or being manipulative then it is likely he is okay as a friend. On the other hand if he continues to pursue then almost certainly his motives are not in your best interest and he is just looking for a conquest and likely another one of many. Knowing this before getting physically involved will protect you, your family, and your emotions.Another thing you could do that may help is to set out to court (I know it is an old fashioned word but it fits) your husband all over again. Find ways to let him know every day that he is special and important to you. Maybe you have both become complacent with familiarity and so setting out to treat him like you were both teenagers in love all over again will jolt him out of his comfort zone and make him realise what a treasure he has in you. Of course he may suspect that you have acted out of guilt, in which case be honest - not everything - but tell him that you felt that the two of you were losing what you had and when this started to bother you you decided to change it. You want to show him that what you have is important, that he is important and that you need him to feel and do the same.There are no easy answers but if you think I can help in any way feel free to send me a private message.I admire you for facing up to the situation early enough and hope it all works out for the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): you need to think about your current husband more than this random guy because thats all he is he is married as well and you are willing to crush his wife and your husband through your own selfishness. I think you should complietly rub this man out of your life and focus on sorting things out with your husband trying to spice the relationship up and what not and if you can't then leave your husband for his own good and leave this other man alone in his marrige, he obiousley loves her or loved and who's to say he won't do the same to you or your mind won't start to wander again, not being nasty but it's the truth.
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