A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I apologize if this will be long, but there's alot to say here....Recently, my fiance (who I've been with for 5 years and have been engaged to for almost a year next month) asked me if we were rushing things. I asked why he thought that, and he said "Friends, family and everyone else keep giving me the same look when I say I'm engaged." (Well, we are both 23, and he does have a baby face, which makes him look 16, so I'm guessing that's why people are doing that. Plus, Itold him people wouldn't be saying anything unless he told them elsewise. He didn't respond to this)This conversation just lead to a bunch of things on his mind....- We just bought a house last month and he didn't realize the mortage would be so high and wasn't sure if we could pay for it. (And the whole rushing into things was his idea to begin with. He was so eager to find a place to live, when I had told him that we should wait until we are financially stable)- "You're living in 2 houses, and don't seem like you want to be here." (Well, when he's not there, I do go to my parents house to see them. When he is home, I am there. I don't sleepover my parents house, I'm always home with him. Don't understand this part at all)- "It's like we are living seperate lives. We don't spend time together." (I've tried spending time with him. After doing anything with me for awhile, he goes off to our room and plays on his laptop for hours on end. So this can't be my fault here I don't think)- "With everything going on in our family and the divorce rate is so high, I'm scared." (His parents and my sister and husband are getting divorced, his cousin and his fiance recently broke up, and his sister and her husband are now having problems. So my thought is that he's going to let this ruin our relationship? Everything had been going fine, there was no indication there was a problem.)- "He still likes to go out with friends and party, and I don't as much." (Yea, he KNEW this BEFORE he gave me a ring. This was a slight issue with us when we were dating in the past, but he's the type to thinks things through, and wouldn't have given me a ring if he knew for sure this wasn't what he wanted)After this conversation, I said we're not married yet, so I would like a decision asap. Next day, he tells me he doesn't want to waste anymore of my time, and that he's going to put the house on the market. I said that you can't make this kind of decision overnight, I want you to really think about it. (He thought I meant that I wanted an answer this morning. So then he says he needs a few days to think about it)His mom tells me he loves me and couldn't imagine his life without me, and couldn't see him making such a harsh decision. (Also, this is the EXACT situation his parents got into before they were divorced. He was always on his laptop, while she was just watching tv on the other side. He would always go to the casinos, which his mom did with him on occasion, but this was an addiction for him.)And I'm not sure if this matters or not, but when we had dated in the past, he would always break up with me out of the blue for the most ridiculous reasons, most being me that caused the rift. He did change (or so I thought) a year before we got engaged and manned up.I am so confused... I think he's just getting really scared about all of this, and letting everything people say bother him. I think he's just not ready to get married, and letting that ruin what we had. He said he knew he wouldn't find anyone else better out there.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): I think he is scared. It seems like he was so sure of what he wanted and deep down probably still is but with everything going on around him is starting to second guess himself.
You can give him time but I'm sure it's not good for you to keep trying to convince him to stay with you. Wait a couple of days and If he is still set on "not wasting anymore of your time" then give him what he wants. I think all he needs is a couple of days without you to realize what he knew all along, that you two belong together.
If he doesn't, and just let's you leave then I'm sorry but it probably wasn't meant to be. Any guy will fight for a girl he really loves until she makes it absolutely crystal clear there is no chance in hell she would get back with him.
I think tell him you love him, reassure him he's the only one for you but if his attitude doesn't change and he asks for time or says he is still not sure take some initiative and let him be for a couple of days.
But if he calls you after 1 day don't give in. Don't answer his calls texts anything. Let him see what it's like without you for a little bit so he can really realize if he needs you or not. Sounds harsh but true. Good luck. Hopefully it won't come to that.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 Sounds like he's got cold feet. Hardest thing but the best thing to do is to give him space. He really needs to figure out what he wants, and you can't do it for him. This is really going to hurt you, but its better that he figure it out rather than later after you're married. I wish you the best.
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