A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I was dating my boyfriend for 11 months and we got into an argument and he said he needed space, but would date me again in two months. A month has passed and this space has been agonizing me. He said he still loves me and wants to be with me, we constantly text and whatnot. Whenever I am with him or his friends he acts like we aren't together even though he says were dating in secret. He recently told me I'm not the one, and that I should move on, but I love him so much. I asked if he loved me and he doesn't know...and said we would talk later. I worry sometimes that I am in an abusive relationship...I have never cried so much since I have been with him, and he sometimes belittles me. But I love him!I don't know if I should give him up...I really do think he's the one, if we tried and worked our problems out. We're both very young and I know in time I could probably find another partner, but its because I love him that makes it so hard. I was wondering what the obvious signs of an emotionally abusive relationship are, and if I should give up on what I know is love.
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emotionally abusive, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (28 January 2011):
 He doesn't want to be with you. Sorry if it hurts to hear that, but it's true. He initially said he needed space and now he's telling you that you are not the one. He obviously feels that he would rather be with someone else and probably is right now or is looking. If he truly loved you and wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have asked for space. He would have wanted to see you on a regular basis and he would show his love. The guy that is right for you will not say "we're dating in secret". He will want to tell all his friends about this awesome girl he is with and how great she is.You are young, you will love again. I've been in the same situation you are in. In the same age bracket as well. I am now 25 and am getting married soon to someone who is 100 times better than the guy who acted like the guy you still love. I know it hurts, and it may seem like it gets worse before it gets better, but it will get better. You will meet some other guy someday who will make your heart flutter and he will treat you with all the respect you deserve.
A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (27 January 2011):
"the one" is a fairytale!!! There is no magic 'one' person on this whole planet of billions of people who has the secret key to open our hearts. If that preschool prattle were even remotely true, how the hell does anyone EVER find 'the one' amongst the billions? Fortuitously, almost always in their late teens to early twenties, when we've seen so little of the world!?
The truth is, anyone can be 'the one'. Love is NOT about "finding the right person". Love is about treating the person you are with RIGHT! If he does not treat you right, then he is not ever going to be the one for you. "the one" is when you and some other person can mutually treat one another with respect, love, patience, and kindness. When you truly value them, and they truly value you.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (27 January 2011):
 the one has to want to be the one. this guy doesn't. you can't have love if it's unreciprocal, and right now you've fallen hard and he is unmoved. you need to find someone who appreciates you, not belittles you and treats you as though you're not there!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): From the sound of your post, it doesn't seem like you are in an "emotionally abusive relationship." It does sound like he hurt your feelings and made you feel pretty bad. Unfortunately, happens when you get dumped.
I don't believe you can "date" anyone in secret. You can however sleep with people and not tell others about it because you are ashamed (of yourself or them). I'm not sure why he did that and wasn't straight forward when he had ambivalent feelings about you. It is belittling. This is at worst manipulative, but it isn't emotional abuse if you agreed to it and played along.
He was clear when he said he needed space and he was clear when he said that you "aren't the one and you should move on". That means you're not in a relationship, let alone an abusive one.
Live and learn. Perhaps he was a jerk, but he is doing you a favor by letting you go. Accept it and move on.
Don't play a victim because you want him to feel sorry for you or love you.
People get their feelings hurt sometimes when they date and break up. It happens to everyone. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 January 2011):
But he's not the one. As you said, he would be if you worked it out, but he has no interest in wanting to work it out.
Sorry, but he's just keeping you around on a leash. A guy who loves you and is 'the one' won't behave this way. He'll make an effort.
The time has come for you to move on.
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