A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:How does one survive a broken heart?! I'm just dying inside. Everyday I wake up crying, go to bed crying and just break down in tears at the drop of a hat. My heart hurts so bad! My 9 year marriage to my best friend and soul mate is ending. We've known each other since elementary school and almost married in college but broke up due to our youth and immaturity. We reunited some 25+ years later and picked up where we left off. However, his OCD, controlling ways and co-dependency have caused irrepairable harm.He loves me so much and would do anything for me. His life revolves around me and making me happy. I still love him with all my heart. It's a case of too bad to stay, too good to leave. I feel so lonely, empty and scared. How do I carry on alone? No more hugs, cuddling, companionship, etc. My kids are grown and gone. I have friends and family but it's not the same as my husband. I'm in my early 50s; will I ever be able to love anyone else again?Any advice, suggestions are welcome!
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Hi there, first off let me say I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I can pretty much say I know exactly how you feel. I am turning 54 next month, and I ended a relationship with a man who I thought was my best friend, lover, and yes soul mate, we were together for two years. That relationship became very damaging to me because he was very manipulitive, lied about many things important and unimportant, was verbally abusive, controlling in his own way....I found out after our breakup that he fits the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, with perhaps Anti Social Personality Disorder. Although, he was not officially diagnosed, when I talked about what I went through with him, his childhood background, his health, his behavior and attitudes with a Psychologist, another Mental Health Advisor and one of the Premier Experts in Pathological Relationships and Behavior, they all seperately diagnosed him for me and as I read up on the disorder, it was glaringly obvious to me he was textbook. It was a very painful relationship because on the one hand I loved him deeply, and on the other hand he put me through an emotional ringer and sucked me dry, betrayed me in the worst way possible, so I broke up with him while I was still in love...and that is profoundly painful, so I get it.
The thing is, I couldn't fix him. Personality Disorders are unchangeable, they are brain based and there is a strong genetic component to them...and to be in a relationship with a Personality Disordered person is extremely difficult when you are a Non. Now, my guy was in the worst category of Personality Disorders called AXIS II, the low or no conscience, low empathy disorders...there are all kinds of bad behaviors that go along with those, but the hallmark characteristic is the inability to change or grown, and the inevitable harm they do to those who try to love and support them.
Now, your husband may have OCD Personality Disorder and that means no amount of therapy or medication is going to change him or help him much. And you are going to be damaged and drug down with him the longer you stay. The good news is he isn't considered Pathological, no conscience person, he's just very difficult and rigid and controlling and has little empathy for how this affects you because he literally is incapable of change.
I am sorry that you are hurting, but you are hurting because your grieving a loss, it is much the same as when a loved one dies, but with the living it is almost worse because there is no end to it, no closure.
Right now while you are so devestated is not a good time to start making decisions about going or staying in the marriage. I would suggest if you are wearing out your welcome with your friends and relatives on this subject that you go and get some counseling to help you process your feelings and make the best decisions for yourself and your life going forward.
I know it is depressing to have to start over at this stage of life, but many of my single divorcee female friends are happy about being free of the responsibilities of a marriage and taking care of a husband who never appreciated them. They are out there doing the things they want to do, traveling, working, hanging out in their jammies and no makeup eating ju ju bees and watching their favorite chick flicks what ever, and yes many of them date men.
Will you ever find love again? I don't know, I haven't been looking for it as after my experience I just don't know if I want to try it again, but I imagine I'll get sick of my own company and venture out into romance again, at some point. Right now I am developing an intimate realtionship with myself and trying to get back who I was that my pathological partner took away from me, I was a strong independent woman with a deep spiritual connection to myself and my higher power. After a year and a half I finally feel sane again! Yes, being with a disordered person changes who you are, it changes your world view and things get really lost and distorted.
This is also some of why you are feeling so lost, because he messed you up in ways you don't yet understand, but you will, if you just do the work to get back to you.
I hope this helped you in some way to know you are not alone, and that you are not going to die even though it feels like you are when your heart is breaking. You will have waves of sadness come over you periodically for a long time, but it is true, time does heal all wounds, but with that said if things keep getting worse for you, you need to seek professional help, don't go through this alone or you really will get stuck.
What ever you decide about your marriage down the road, if you get some help and educate yourself about the effects this relationship has had on you, you will be better off for it and you will learn some things about yourself in the process.
I wish you all the best, and don't give up hope.
A
female
reader, dijoyful  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 You don't say if he has recieved any proffesional help for his OCD, or if you both have had marriage counceling. Is the relationship really over or is there still things you could do to make a fresh start together. If you love him and he loves you as much as i feel then don't give up till you have exhauted every avenue. Love is Precious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have tried counseling, however, he doesn't think anything is wrong with him or us & thinks the counselors are wrong. He likes our life as it is...his way. Everyone who knows us says he's very controlling and manipulative of me & most of my family have chosen not to be around him any longer. One person told me I was his "slave." I do have a backbone and stand up for him, but he's very rigid and old fashioned. I never knew ending a relationship was sooo painful!I never wanted to be without him so now I feel like a little lost fish in a HUGE sea and I'm floundering. (Does this make me co-dependent?) I have friends and family, but can't keep burdening them with my problems.
Thanks everyone; your answers were most helpful! :)
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (26 August 2010):
 If both of you love each other, why can't you keep working at it?
I'm young, but I know that the most important thing at making a relationship work is when two people love each other. Each one because he/she loves the other puts that person in the first place. If both of you love each other why is the marriage broken?
So he has OCD, and he's controlling, Can't you grow a back bone and put him in his place? Don't let him control you, let him control other things in his life, but not you.
However, if you decided to end the relationship. It's very hard, but the best thing to do is keep yourself very busy doing things for other people. Volunteer, help children, help elderly, do something for others. This is rewarding for your soul and keeps your mind from thinking about the pain. Slowly the pain will go away.
Don't be sorry that you lost such a love. Be grateful and thankful for the experience of something like this, because not many are blessed with such. When you see this experience as a blessing and are grateful you had it, it will hurt much less.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Have you considered a marriage counselor? The thing is, if his life truly revolved around you and making you happy, I would think that he'd be willing to seek help.
Is this really a case of "All is lost"?
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 There's always time for love. Is there no way to fix your marriage? Talking, counseling, change of lifestyle? Anything?
You say you both still love each other deeply, I know it probably feels like a nail being torn from it's finger, the pain of heartbreak is unbearable but don't let it wear you down. Let yourself cry until you have no more tears. Find someone, move on. I know it might seem like a daunting task to replace someone you've known and loved for so long but you need this don't you? Unless there's a way to keep things going with your current partner? Good luck
I hope that helps.
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