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writes: I fostered a three year todler, with a view to adopt, against my boyfriend's will last year. We are now engaged to be married in next few months. he is still not for the idea of the boy being around. He is an active boy, and like any other child can be naughty sometimes. he had bad mannerism when he came, but has greatly improved. My fiance however finds him irritating and says he whats him either taken back or 'exchanged'. as a second option, he says he can be given time to change"(tho he fails to point out what has to change). I am so attached to the boy and i dont know what to do. The boy is happy and would have a better life with a family than being in an instituion. Chances of being adopted again are very slim as there is a lot of stigma associated with adoption. My options are\1. returning him2. keeping him and not expecting any support from my boyfriend as a 'father'3. leaving my boyfriend (am not ready to)whats the best option, or any idea of any other way to handle this
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks, your advice has been vey helpful. Just to add more info, am not living with him, i had plans (or wishes) to marry him, though he was abit hesitant to state his opinion on marrying (back then) he proposed afer i fostered the child
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): I would say choose Option 3.
If you do keep the child, having a "parent" who resents his existence will really damage a child who has already been rejected or abandoned by his birth parents.
I would say choose Option 1 if you can't support the kid independantly. Adopted children often need a lot more support emotionally and financially...
In your post, you mentioned that the child has "bad mannerisms." You also mentioned that you adopted him at the age of 3.
I want to suggest that you research the childs background thoroughly. Many adopted children develop an emotional problem called reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and it tends to manifest as the child "misbehaving" at first...Some parents shrug it off and insist that as parents they can successfully raise the child. Nurture versus nature. They see it as a test of their parenting abilities...but often adopted kids do have serious problems that stem from their first years of life.
RAD tends to occur in children who are adopted later in life. They have problems trusting their families, they can be particularly violent or self destructive.
Human beings, and especially infants need to form a bond with one human being(typically a birth mother) in their first year of life...it's imperative for socialization. It might not seem like that because they're just an infant and they don't talk...but there is neurological development that happens at that age that is critical. If an infant fails to bond with another human being, if they are passed around a lot or are in a foster care system, they tend to develop serious problems trusting other people and this lead to some serious behavior issues.
I'm not promoting eugenics, but the reality of adopting a kid so late is this: If they have mistreated or abused, if they had not a had a stable upbringing and we passed from home to home in their first year of development, then biolgoically, they are put at a huge disadvantage for socializaton.
I should mention, I'm not a psychological expert, but I have a younger adoptive sister with RAD and it's nothing that you brush off lightly as "children being naughty". At the age of 4 we just thought she was cheeky, but her behavior escalated as she got older. Her behavior was definitely beyond irritating at times, sometimes quite frightening, and often dangerous, and it definitely put a strain on my parents relationship (even though they both decided to adopt her)
She's also gotten a lot better, but it's because we've put her through a lot of therapy, psyschiatric evaluations, at times medication, a lot of parent-child counseling, and most importantly, education programs with other adopted children with the same problem.
You've said you've bonded with the child and you seem eager to forgive his bad behavior...But you don't neccessarily know if this kid has bonded with you or if he can. His bad behavior may in fact be a symptom of a larger developmental problem.
I would say if you're not ready or able to give an adopted child a lot of support, financially and emotionally (it's pretty exhausting emotionally to deal with a RAD kid), then don't adopt this kid. The fact that your fiance wanted to send the kid back or "exchange" him (as callous as it sounds) is a huge red flag to me that the child might have major problems. You did choose to adopt him unilaterally and he's entitled to live a life without children or a particular children if he wants.
@ Anonymous 123:
People often do try to send adopted children back.
The ones they do send back often are the RAD kids. The "failure rate" for adoption is pretty substantial actually and tends to increase with the age that the child was adopted.
For instance, there was a news story last year that highlighted this very topic:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8665576.stm
I don't regret having my sister as my sister. My parents will never say out loud that they regret adopting her...but following through on their duties as parents has been pretty rough for both of them.
She's a great kid, she has a lot of potential, she's very smart (though very manipulative) and I love her to death, but she also has a lot of behavioraly problems she's still sorting out even at the age of 16.
Whatever choice you make, good luck.
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reader, dirtball  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 I agree, he should have left, but that doesn't mean what she did wasn't selfish. Kind hearted deeds can still be very selfish.
Was she wrong to adopt the child? Not my place to say. I do think it was a very compassionate thing to do, and I wish more people did things like that. However, I do think it was wrong for her to not consider how her partner felt, just as I feel it's wrong not to consider how they feel about a move, a new job, giving up a child, or any other life decision that directly or indirectly effects them. That's because a true partnership is about facing your challenges together. When one person chooses to create a challenge for the relationship knowing that the other person is not on board with that decision, that is wrong and selfish, even in a case like this.
My rule about people who force "them or me" choices is simple. I always choose "them." Because anybody who forces a choice like that isn't someone I want in my life, no matter what their reasons. That's why I think you need to take your 3rd option OP. This isn't the kind of man you want or need in your life. I just hope you'll be more willing to consider your partner's opinion on life changing decisions in the future.
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reader, kirra07  +, writes (21 March 2011):
I agree with what Dirtball said. And I also find this situation very odd.
How long have you been together with your bf before you decided to foster a child? Were you living together? Were you discussing marriage and a future together at this point? Because if you were planning on adopting a child, this would impact your bf/future husband. If you were living together at the time, that would directly impact him, especially if you were looking to him to provide a fatherly role. And if you were discussing a future together, if you adopted a child, that child would live with you and your possible future biological children. Chances are you would want him to possibly adopt the child as well.
So although you are free to make your own choices and decisions, huge decisions like these should be discussed and the viewpoint of your partner taken into account (especially if you wanted to marry your partner). He said he was against it, and you did it anyway (your right). Did you really expect the relationship to run smoothly after that? If you marry him and adopt the child, there will likely always be conflict in that house. If you give up the child, you will be going against your values and beliefs. And if you break up with him, you might be heartbroken for awhile.
I think your best bet is probably Option #3, breaking up. Neither of you acted in the best interests of your relationship. You did not take into account his viewpoint in making such a huge decision, and he didn't support you and an innocent child. You probably should not have moved to adopt (if you were expecting to be with this man and knew he was against it). But you did, and you made a commitment.
Your other option if you don't want to break up, is keep the child and try to work things out with your fiance. Tell him that you are sorry for going against your wishes but now you really love the child, and just want to make a family. Tell him that decisions like these will now be a discussion between the 2 of you, that he gets a say, and you just hope that he can bring himself to love the child too. That you recognize the child has problems, but you hope that the 2 of you can create a home where he can grow and develop. Maybe he's just still resentful that you made the call against his wishes and now he's stuck with the consequences he didn't want. Let him know that if you stay together, you won't do that again.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 The boyfriend wasn't forced into anything. Who knows how serious this couple was back then? If she was pregnant with another mans child back then, and he didnt want to foster someone elses child, then it is normal to say he could leave her as this isn't what he wants. She took in this child to foster it, which means she made the decision to become a mother. He didn't like that, but she does not need his approval. If he doesn't want to be with a mother of a child that is not his, he should leave.
What kind of man forces his girlfriend to choose between her child and him? He should have left her if he didn't want to be a part of this. That would have been the right thing to do. I don't see how it was wrong of her to make choices that impact HER life. She isn't married to this man.
I also strongly feel that once you are e a mother, poster, your loyalty is with your child. You are fostering him, but you are the only mother he has. When you chose to foster him you also made the decision to prioritize the child above yourself and also above a boyfriend or other man. A mothers job is to protect her child, and put the childs needs first. Even if that means leaving her man.
People make individual decisions all the time independent of their partners wishes. It never was looked down upon before when someone chose to go to college in another city, or even another country. Nor was it ever looked down upon to choose a career that forces you to be apart from your partner for longer periods of time, or even years. Nor was it looked down upon if the woman had to move with her man should he get employed in another country. The partner has in all these scenarios been expected to live with it, or give up their own dreams for their partner, or to break it off and find someone who matches what they want.
Should this man have a child forced upon him? No. But he has the option to leave. Any man who dates a single mother, which this woman is now, must accept that it's a package deal. Just like any woman who marries an US soldier must accept that deployment comes with the gig, and any person who date someone who want to work abroad must allow their partner to do so, go with, or leave. This woman wanted to foster a child. Who's he to tell her she is not allowed? If he didn't like her decision he should have left long ago, seeing as this woman isn't the one for him.
There is no way it is selfish to give another human the chance to have a normal, good life, instead of a life in limbo, in and out of foster homes, uncertainty, and who knows what. A partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, does not have a right to decide over a person what he or she should do. You either accept it or leave, you don't make the person choose. That is the truly selfish act.
Now if they were married the story would be a different one. But they aren't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): Hey there again I'm the female anon that 'sickened' another female anon. Just wanted to say hear hear Dirtball, finally a voice of reason! I too think what she has done is selfish. Having a child is something that everyone needs to think incredibly seriously. I dont think she did.
Now, what he is saying is right, you did this without his consent, he doesnt like the child. So the right thing to do is to leave him. But you won't will you, because you state you are not ready to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011):
I am quite taken back that you were actually able to foster the child ,if the relevant authorities KNEW it was against your partner's wishes and one sided. You don't say if you were living together etc...this is hardly a good set up and is unfair on the child who deserves love from BOTH. Your best option here always has to be the child, this is the responsibility you took. I do believe BOTH FOSTER PARENT'S should WANT to do this, maybe you need to find a man who is suitable and actually WANT'S to foster children and he obviously does NOT ....BUT YOU KNEW THIS....
Anyway good luck..
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reader, dirtball +, writes (21 March 2011):
I don't get all this hate being thrown toward her boyfriend. He was forced into a family before he was ready and he stated it was not something he wanted. It's not like he fathered this child and then isn't taking care of it. It was a very compassionate thing of the OP to do in fostering this child, but it was also very selfish of her to not take into account her boyfriend's feelings on the matter. Kids are a HUGE commitment and put a lot of strain on relationships.
Because his feelings on this didn't matter to you OP, you should take option 3. You don't want to give the child up, and you are very right that the older a child gets, the harder it is for them to get adopted. However, this was not a choice you two reached together, in fact it was a choice you made directly AGAINST the wishes he expressed. That means you two are probably not going to last anyway. Relationships are about compromise and always considering your partner's feelings. You did neither here, and that tells me this relationship is better left in your past. If you want to be a good mother to this child, you don't want to be in a relationship where the father figure resents the child. That is what you will have if you stay in this relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): This message is for the female anonymous reader below. Just because she fostered a child against her boyfriend's will does not make her selfish! Actually, it makes her compassionate. It proves that she would do the right thing no matter what ANYONE tells her. I would do it to if given the chance. People like you "female anonymous reader" make me sick sometimes. You are so quick to judge people. It's people like you that aren't compassionate towards other people. I bet you if there was a starving child on your doorstep you wouldn't even let him in cause your boyfriend or husband (if u even have one) would not let you. *shaking my head* You are the one that is adding to the problem!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): Personally i don't think you really have an option here. Think about the poor child and how awful it would be for him if you just 'returned' him. You're clearly very attached to him and he probably feels the same way about you. You should definately adopt the child, and if your partner can't deal with it thats his problem. x
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reader, chigirl +, writes (21 March 2011):
Option C, leave the boyfriend. The way he talks about this child reveals how he views humans, as property you can "return" or "exchange" when you are bored with him. Without doubt this is how he views not only the young child, but you as well, and others around him. It might not show yet now, but it will in the future.You are also putting this boys health at risk if you include your boyfriend in your life, because your boyfriend doesn't like the boy. Do you not think the boy will know? Do you understand how much grief it will cause the child?Your heart knows what is right, that is why you are hesitant to leave your boyfriend right away. You do not know if you have the courage to fight for this boy and for your own happiness. But why do you feel so dependent on this man who wishes for nothing good for the boy? Why would you want to put that boy through such a life? Will it not eat at your conscience if you "return" him only to be with a man who does not view you or your choices with the respect they deserve?This man is not only treating this boy as less than a human, even less than an animal, he is also disrespecting your stand-point and your life decisions. You did a great thing to foster this child, and you have grown attached to him. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to care the least about that. Your boyfriend appears to value himself and his wants above those of you and the child. That tells you a lot about his character. He doesn't sound like a man you should marry or someone who will make you happy.
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reader, lush2010  +, writes (21 March 2011):
I find this very off that your boyfriend would not want this child or to not get involved in this young boys life. what a positive role model he could be. has he not developed feelings for the boy , like you have? something just doesnt sound right. If he really loves you , he'll want to be a part of this with you. Instead of making you feel totally unsupported. I understand its a difficult situation, but if you love the child i think you should go ahead and adopt him, instead of compromising something as big and important as that , for a man who (if he truely loved you) should have supported you all along and been there with you in raising this child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): We look for different qualities in our mates before children are involved than we do after. We don't do this on purpose, it just happens. I think the heart of the question is whether or not your boyfriend will be a good choice as a potential parent. Only you can answer that. If you don't want to stop dating him, can you consider the possibility of NOT marrying him, and continuing the relationship as it is? Many single parents choose to have a loving relationship which does not involve cohabitation or marriage, simply because that works out best for their children. It is not always necessary to have everyone under the same roof. If you truly, from the bottom of your heart, want to adopt this boy, then don't marry this man. At least, not yet. There is no pause button on a child. Your man may come to appreciate your mothering efforts, or he may not. Until you know he's in this with you, don't make things more complicated than they already are. And until you know that you're ready to stand by that precious little boy for the rest of your life, come what may, then don't take steps to adopt. Even happily married couples have children that they might end up raising without a partner someday. There are no guarantees. Through death, divorce, illness, injury, and other unforeseen circumstances, even the most committed and responsible partner can, accidently or on purpose, leave you to finish raising the kids. No one should take on the awesome task of parenthood unless they are willing and able to do the job alone, if need be.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 This is really weird!! What kind of a man is your boyfriend? He's referring to this child like a pair of shoes...oh I dont like it, so please return/exchange it!! Who even THINKS of exchanging a child??? This is bizarre!!You should not mess with this child's life. If you decided to take care of him despite what your B/f said, you should stand by it, with or without any help from this man. Bottom line: He doesn't like this child and finds him irritating. No matter what, he wont change his mind, because he doesn't WANT to. He hasn't specified what change he wants to see, and its really impossible to expect a child to "change" overnight. And why should the child change?? What is growing up all about?You might not want to hear this, but is this man really worth all your love? What if he says the same tomorrow about your own child??
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): You fostered a child without against your partner’s wishes?? WTF?? That was where you went wrong. What an incredibly selfish thing to do. You should never have done that. Having a child has to be done with the best interests OF THE CHILD, whether it be fostering, adopting or whatever. So what you have done is foster a child who probably has already had a horrible time and now you are thinking of giving him back?
Great.
I suggest you give this child back as soon as possible so that this kid has the chance of being with someone who has thought things out a bit better than you and give up on fostering/adopting kids until you can do it with better commitment and for the right reasons. You sound like an immature and selfish person and I think it’s a shame that people like you get away with this.
I would just really like to know, what made you want to foster a child without getting the agreement of your future husband first? The way I see it , what you have done is no better than women who get pregnant without consenting to the guy first or just because they ‘want a baby.’
There are already enough messed up kids on the planet dear. Don’t add to the problem.
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reader, Amdz +, writes (21 March 2011):
 My heart breaks for you! What a difficult situation...This is something to think long and hard about, and it's apparent that you have. Obviously, fostering a child and adopting are a huge committment and I commend you for making that committment. From what you have written (and I realize that it is easier for me to speak as an observer with no emotional attachments), it seems that you and your fiance have some very different views and emotions regarding parenting and wide differences regarding what you each "can handle!" It bothered me to read the word "exchange..." A person cannot be exchanged! And I sense that it does and will bother you in the future that your fiance views people as being interchangeable, while you seem to be a person of your word and a person who takes loyalty and committment quite seriously. These are differences that will likely show up for you in the future, regardless of what you decide to do in this situation....Think of whether you can be comfortable with this side of your fiance, and with these differences between the two of you. I do respect that it is a HUGE committment for your fiance to make...but I also respect that it is obvious that you both have different priorities and feelings regarding what you each want to and can handle....I wish you luck in this difficult decision....
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reader, lovelyeyes +, writes (21 March 2011):
I'm sorry! But what does your man not have a heart. This child is not a pet or some type of clothing that u could just return or exchange! This poor little boy finaly has someone that loves him. Your man should be excepting of this child. He is now part of u. If he couldn't except that then why did he propose. He should except him and treat him like a human being. I hope u make the right decision!
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