A
female
age
41-50,
*Lonely
writes:Please don't judge me...I am married and am having an affair with a recently separated man. (We hooked up when he was married last year). To give a brief hx, I knew him from the past yet never hooked up. Well we did last year and had sex. I never thought I would be the type of person to have an affair. If anything, I always figured my husband would have the affair as he is very cold towards me and is an alcoholic.Anyway, my friend moved out over a month ago, got his own place and is doing quite well. He has never told me that he loves me, but he would show me affection like he did. He told me that he could not promise me anything, but that I was more than welcome to hang out with him whenever I wanted. Last night would make the 3rd night I spent at his place. I'm not sure, but I think he is talking to other people, or even having sex with them. I asked him if he did have another person and is having sex with me, then I have every right to know that he is having sex as we have had unprotected sex before. The first night I stayed, we had passionate sex 3 times, it was great. Last week I stayed the night and he just held me. First he said he was tired and then in the morning after starting again, said he just wanted me to know it was more than sex. I kinda think that he was texting someone when I would leave the room, etc. (Maybe my over active mind). Last night, we went to eat. We were supposed to watch a movie but did not make it. I had not planned on spending the night, but he offered. Of course, I wanted to be held by him and of course sex as well. When we got to his place, he acted like he forgot that he asked me to spend the night. Then he got a text msg and about an hour later all of a sudden had to get on Facebook for a game...supposedly. I went to the bathroom so I don't know if he contacted anyone. Needless to say, he did not have sex with me, he half way cuddled me, and he did not even kiss me. This morning I asked him what the deal was and he acted mad and said "it's not just about sex" went to the restroom, came back. I asked him if he did not find me attractive anymore and he never answered me. Which to me means he does not find me attractive. I tried to talk to him without accusing him of another woman and he would not talk about it. I asked if it was something else and he told me that if it was something else I would not have stayed. Mind you, he kinda acted like he did not want to me stay after inviting me. He tried to make it look like he was worried that it would cause problems between my husband and I.I just don't understand. Saturday, HE wanted to meet me and my 2 daughters for lunch. HE asked me, I never brought it up. He even wanted to hang out Sunday. At first I thought he had a date on Sunday that stood him up and I was a last resort, but then when he wanted to meet on Saturday, it threw me off. The odd thing was that he kissed me on Saturday when I had the kids in the car. It wasn't a quick peck, it was a lingering kiss, yet Sunday when he has me all to himself, he acted distant. Normally he grabs my hand and holds it when we leave a restaurant or something. Instead he walked behind me like he was not even with me...making me think he was checking out other people. (He's a foot taller than me). Oh, he even told me Sunday that the reason he is not so touchy feely when we have lunch on Saturday is because he does not want it to get back to my hubby. (I have a 5 yr old). Yet, he never wants to meet me M-F just to have lunch with me. Oh and last night at dinner (after a little boy was throwing a fit) he made a comment that he hates kids. I looked at him like he has 2 heads. I said "wow, I have 2 kids." To which he quickly replied that my kids were well behaved. I just don't know if he is seeing someone else, is feeling weird because I am married (even though he had no problems when he was married), loves messing with people for the fun of it, or is a narcissist who is trying to manipulate me by with holding the things I run to him for. What are your thoughts?
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affair, alcoholic, facebook, moved out, text, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): hmmmmmmmmmmmm, read your story slowly. stop at the part where you locked lips with your lover, in front of your kids. where is your respect FOR YOUR KIDS. not loving your hb. staying for sex with your lover overnight. all of this doesnt even compare to you blatantly corrupting your innocent kids. you are sexual with another man in front of your kids. what were you thinking. wait a moment : you were not!!!!!!yes, where are your kids when u leave them overnight to have sex with your lover? is your so called alcoholic hb taking care of them?or if your hb is just such an evil man, how dare u leave your kids with him, while you go out for sex?you have put your kids in harms way and that is unacceptable. instead of trying to get sexual gratification from your lover, and wondering whether your lover is cheating on you, why not try being a mother who cares. Abandoning your kids overnght with a so called alcoholic hb, i think someone should call social services for you. Perhaps then you will realise what is important.those 2 innocent lives should be your priority!!!! LoveGirl
A
female
reader, -Lonely +, writes (22 March 2011):
-Lonely is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to Thank everyone on offering your opinion to my question. It has really helped more than you might know.
After much thought, I have decided to let him go and figure out if I want to walk away from the marriage or deal with things the way they are.
Again I appreciate all the responses including the not so sugar coated ones.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): I don't think it is your right to know if the man you're cheating with is also seeing someone besides you.
There's no excuse for cheating, either. I hope you will patch things up with your husband and stop talking to the other man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): It is WAY too hard to not have an ethical opinion on this. Sorry, but what you're doing is unethical. A married person should respect their marriage and they are not supposed to live as if they are single. MY wife did that to me once and it killed me. Every day she was enjoying her high of a secret affair, I knew in my heart. And every day I wanted to die. Her behavior was killing me. If you are unhappy in your marriage, take that effort you use in sneaking around with another man and put it to use with your own marriage. If you are so unhappy at home, then get a divorce. You don't have any right to dictate what another man does or who he is seeing. Why should you feel he is stepping over the line of ethics with you?? You aren't living an honest life, are you?If you post a question, we can offer our opinions, and this happens to be mine.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 March 2011):
 So when you are off spending the night with the boyfriend, who's watching the little kids? Your alcoholic husband?
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (21 March 2011):
 Any man that's willing to cheat WITH you is able to cheat ON you. And yes, you have a right to know who else he's with, exactly the same as your husband has a right to know who you're with. I won't say whether cheating is moral or not, only that the same rules apply to this man as apply to you.
As for how he acts, though? He sounds confused. Maybe he feels guilty. Maybe he's seeing someone else. Maybe he's just trying to figure out how he feels. But he doesn't sound like he's made up his mind yet about something.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 Even if he WAS seeing someone else, how does that change anything?
You're married, having an affair with him. He is separated, not even divorced, and you hooked up when he was married.You dont intend leaving your husband, even though he has a truck load of problems behind him.
Where is all this heading?? The reason you suspect an affair, is because somewhere deep down in your mind you know that if he could cheat on his wife for you, then he can very well cheat on you with someone else. You're not even in a committed relationship!
Stop focusing on all this. Stop cheating on your husband no matter how bad the situation with him is. If its really that bad, then walk out of the marriage. If you think you can salvage it for the children, do that. This man and the relationship that you have with him right now, no matter how sexually and emotionally fulfilling it is right now, is just a phase. Once he moves on, you will be back to square one.
Plus, you're exposing your children to your affair with him which is VERY wrong. No matter how small they are, its not right for them to see their mom kiss another man while their father is at home!! Do you realize this can lead to a terribly troubled childhood and a messed up life ahead??
Think about your actions. Please take control of your life before it spins out of control.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 Hi,
I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here! I understand that you are in an unhappy relationship, but you are having an affair with a man, that clearly does not see you as his future.
You honey need to sort your life out, and your children out, before you start anything new. Taking your kids out with a man you are having an affair with is not on. It will confuse them, and they need you to be level headed, especially if thier dad is a drunk like you say.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 March 2011):
 I will add just one more thing: life with your husband is clearly a nightmare, but really, there is no future with this other one, by the sound of it. Doesn't strike me as very trustworthy at all.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 March 2011):
So you are cheating on your husband; he cheated on his wife with you last year; now you suspect he's cheating on you.
Great.
I have nothing more to say to you except either work on improving your marriage, or if that's not possible, get a divorce, but first give up on this sordid business. (And yes, I am well aware that sounds judgmental).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): Some married men seem to prey on vulnerable women......Right now you are not in a good place and making bad choices for yourself ....If you need affection you need to decide about your marital situation and deal with that first...You cannot get genuine affection with this man and yes he is probably seeing other people on the side...Why do you expect any less of him...And he would very well lie about to you since he is capable of lying to his wife....If you are looking for honesty and safe sex..You wont find it with him....By with-holding affection he knows you desire , he sort of keeps you keen in a way plus when he is seeing other people you are no doubt just one in the mix....I advise that you get away from this man NOw , not later but straight away and cut all contact...No matter what he says about missing you or you being special or any rubbish that come out of his mind....Take time to get your life back on track and sort your marriage...He will only add to your misery
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 March 2011):
 Hi lonely,
Usually when a post starts out with "please don't judge me" I just roll my eyes and move on. But your next paragraph got me. My heart goes out to you. Having a cold and alcoholic partner is a terrible situation. He is so inattentive that you are able to spend the night away without him catching on. It is very sad.
While it is easy to see how you could be tempted into an affair, you know as well as we do how risky and unrewarding it can be. But that is not your question. What you want to know is what is up with the second man in your life.
He isn't stable. In your life you have come to accept instability in your men so you may not have seen it coming. His life is in transition. He is in the midst of a divorce. He just moved. He doesn't know who to trust. He has a lot of worries on his mind.
Even though you have tried to reassure him that you are for real, he has been lied to before. You are very open to him and want to bring him into all of your life. He is holding back. He clearly sees that the sexual intimacy is clouding his thoughts and he is frightened. So he is withdrawing it.
Whether he is seeing someone else, or whether he still finds you attractive, we can't tell. He has enough turmoil in his life that the symptoms could all have other roots.
That's my thought on his withholding.
You also asked if he was messing with you withholding what you desire most. I have to admit that it is a real possibility. There are manipulative people out there who are that skilled. The one thing that bothers me about that possibility is that it would mean that he would have had to have been deceptive about much more. And you seem to have enough history with him to have spotted a player long ago.
You didn't ask what you should do. Thank you, I wouldn't be comfortable giving you advice on this. I think you already know where the future lies.
FA
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (21 March 2011):
 It didn't start on a very good footing - you are both cheating at the end of the day. If your husband makes you so miserable then leave him. You are a young woman who can go out in the world and find a nice, uncomplicated SINGLE man. I realise this man is now separated but it sounds like he is enjoying his single life, perhaps with other ladies. He cheated with you when he was married, so why would he have hesitation in doing the same thing again? If he is not cheating now, what stops him in the future? You shouldn't be having unprotected sex with this man as you have your own health and the welfare of your children to consider. If he truely hates kids then how could a long term relationship work? He shouldn't have been introduced to your kids as you are very uncertain of him and you must defend them as your number one priority. Imagine how you will feel if your daughters get into such a situation in their adult lives. He kissed you to show the kids he is with their mother and a priority in her life. He was really establishing to his audience that he has power and influence over you (Mr Ego) - but competing for your attention with your kids is a bit worrisome and reveals something of his immature personality. I think you have every right to be cautious and not trust this man based on your account of his behaviour. It doesn't matter if he is a cheat or not - that is utterly irrelevant. What matters is that you don't trust him and that is no basis for a relationship whatever he happens to be up to. It was just an affair, it distracts you from an unhappy marriage. Focus on either putting your marriage right or leaving your husband for a new life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): I think this is a pretty little tangle, dear. Have you thought about what has changed for him, now that he is officially free to date? The thing is, he may have realized that he must be cautious in public, if he wishes to have things go his way in any kind of divorce settlement that may be pending. You may have put yourself in a precarious position with regard to your own negotiations, should you and your husband decide later to dissolve your marriage. Everyone stands to get hurt, financially, emotionally, etc. If you're not sure of his feelings, it may not be worth risking everything you do have- for something you may never get. Also, the adults involved in this situation all have unresolved issues about their unsuccessful marriages. Working through all these things can alter a person's mood, behaviour, etc. I would guess that none of you are bound to be easily understood by one another right now, and you've all got your defenses up, trying to ward off being hurt like you have in the past. My hope is that the children are safe, happy, and nurtured, while the grown ups get their heads together, and arrange their lives in a way that works better. Best of luck to you.
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