A
female
age
41-50,
*urt but in love
writes:I love my fiance more then anything! We plan on getting married and having babies together. We have been through so much together and I know he loves me dearly! I have never been in such a loving relationship but the other day he beat me up quite badly. Nobody knows, I skipped work and hid at home. Its not the first time that he has been physical with me -however (Im not making excuses for him) but I admit to bringing this kind of anger into our relationship first -as he wasnt like this before and I have always been rather inpatient, aggressive, and angry at times. I feel as though I have since curbed my ways with help, love and understanding from him. Now it seems although we have switched places! Every time that this has happened it has involved alcohol -We were both very drunk! He has cried and prayed for what he has done -he says he cant live without me and that i mean the world to him... then how could he treat me such a way? I do love him with all my heart and I want to believe in him. He said he wont drink any more and that he felt as though he wasnt his self -like a spirit was inside of him! He has also said he'd be happy to go for counciling and relationship help. What should I do? I dont want to throw all our dreams away! Its been 5years and aside from this -we are really close and have a strong bond and connection with one another. (ps) Im not your tyipically helpless person hence why my heart and head are at such a battle with one another! Controdiction at its very best! =0(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): If you brought this to the relationship then you are partly to blame!!! However it does NOT excuse his actions as it could have turned out to be worse situation! Counciling sounds like a great idea for the both of you considering you love one another so much. Have you been violent to him prior to this conflict? If so you must search your feelings to see if it is possible that you can forgive him the same way he forgave you! considering he never used to be like this! Sounds like you have turned him out! What a shame! But remember Love can heal any type of wound physical or mental. It all comes down to your patients and understanding of the situation and how you can overcome it! Good Luck! God Bless
A
female
reader, Hurt but in love +, writes (31 October 2010):
Hurt but in love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cant express how much I appreciate all of ur thoughts and advice! Thank you so much for taking the time out to comment! Im not 100% sure of how im going to get through this -but I cant help but remember how many times he has forgiven me for my wrong doings. We do live together but it just so happens that work committments meant he was leaving the country for near enough a month, the day after the night it happened. He actually missed his first flight because he didnt want to leave me in the state I was in -But after much convincing from me - he managed to get another one the day after. The seperation has been a good time for me to contemplate the situation. As much as I agree no one should put up with this sort of treatment -I feel as tho I owe it to our relationship to give it another try. We have been through so much together! I have made it clear to him that he has not only hurt me physically -but has also broken my trust and my heart! If he does do it again -I will not have to think twice about leaving him and worse then telling the police -I will tell his mum! lol! Drinking wise- We are not acoholics but we do very much enjoy going out for dinner and drinks, and at times go past our limits. I do agree that being drunk isnt clever and the control that you loose over yourself can be dangerous and just isnt worth it! I want to get through this by trying to be a better person although I dont actually blame myself or think that I desereved what happened... However -I want a fresh start and would like to think that is possible for us both. I know some of you probably think im insane -and i probably am! lol. But heres to believing in forgiveness, love, chances, and change! Please continue to leave comments -as its really good getting other peoples prospectives! Thanx again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): Domestic Violence can sometimes end in the violent death of the victim. When a person abuses you and hits you, that is not love. Get out now before your life is ruined by violence. And get yourself some help to better manage your abuse of alcohol. The fact that you too used alcohol to excess does NOT excuse his VIOLENCE to you. You know the violence was wrong and bad, otherwise you would not have hidden it from others. This violence will only end in heartbreak.
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A
male
reader, rivi  +, writes (30 October 2010):
You BOTH need serious help.
If it is not available at minimum split for a trial period of 6 to 12 months.
My instinct is that his physical violence SHOULD BE the motivation for you to split with him on a permanent basis - because if you do not he learns the lesson that he can get away with it.
If you cannot bring yourself to do that NOW then at absolute absolute minimum you should stress that the slightest repetition or threat of repetition equals immediate separation and indeed prosecution.
|You would be v well advised to contact your local police dept. and get the name and no. of officers responsible for relationship / domestic abuse cases - and store that number in your 'phone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): I support his decision for counseling here to the fullest and you should give that a shot. Im glad he has a conscience and this shows a man who cares and seriously wants to correct himself for the better. Its wonderful of u to support him. The costs of alcohol outweigh any benefits therefore because of any potential risk, its just wise to stay away and avoid it. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Bob Freemer +, writes (30 October 2010):
I'm a doctor and I agree to some extent with both posters above. However, extreme alcoholism or intoxication can bring out paranoid behaviors that would never be present in the absence of alcohol. However I disagree that alcohol is a "truth serum" that unmasks his true (i.e. violent) soul.
Both you should be independently evaluated by a physician who will certainly recommend abstaining and, if you are open about the violence, put you in touch with the proper local resources to evaluate and ensure your own safety. You should to this NOW.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (30 October 2010):
 There is NEVER ANY excuse for physical violence.
The victim - in this case its you - usually tend to blame themselves and think its something they've done to bring about the beating. I see this in you.
It has happened more than once and I STRONGLY advise you that if you are living with this man, to move out, IMMEDIATELY. If he is willing to go to counselling with you, all well and good. If not, you should end your relationship NOW.
You may love him, but he doesn't love you as much as you'd like. If he did, he would not attack you. Once again, there is NO excuse for his behavior.
You MUST put your own safety first!!
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A
female
reader, [?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] +, writes (30 October 2010):
![[?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] agony aunt](/avatars/7bb1e9ea-6c2f-43b8-a4f7-0635b7eff08c.png) Hey.. If yuo're both in love and awaiting to get married. Than do what he usggested, go to counseling and relationship help.. Work out all your problems, but hun domestic violence is wrong.. On so many levels, you shouldn't ever let a man touch you I know you love him but if he does it again, please tell someone. He may try to take advantage of you even more, and manipulate you. Don't let him control ya, and both of you should limit the alcohol. Good luck, xoxo.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 October 2010):
 Get rid of the alcohol. If you want to live happily, such poisons must be removed. Go to counseling to determine whether or not these aggressive acts were the result of the alcohol itself or some underlying vengeance he feels he needs deep down inside.
Just rid yourself of alcohol first.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (30 October 2010):
I would definitely recommend counseling and he has to stop drinking. Love can be blind, I am not going to sugar coat it, this is definitely unhealthy. On both sides. You say you are also aggressive, or have been in the past? The counseling may help give you two different ways of handeling adversity. I feel sad for you, you should not have to deal with that. I hope you do not hit him as well. You guys need help and if it does not work you have to go seperate ways. I want to tell you to get your stuff and leave but it is obvious you wont. Maybe you two should also think of getting help seperately as well as a couple
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