A
female
age
30-35,
*ee_neko
writes:I recently discovered my boyfriend has a networking account on which he behaves as if he were a single guy. He flirts, he apparently texts, and his status when I checked was "looking for random hookups". I called him somewhat hysterically and demanded his password. He gave it to me without reluctance, realizing he was caught. The only messages there were a few to other girls, flirting and asking for hookups, all looking like dead ends. He told me that he did it to get off - an unlikely story. I doubt he actually did anything with anyone, but am still getting tested. He's been apologizing and whatnot for awhile, and I've been pissed at him. Now he's switching tactics, trying to slip the blame onto my shoulders by suggesting I acted as if I didn't care about him these last few months of dating despite the fact that I've been talking more seriously about marriage.We've been dating for a little over a year now. Is this a serious situation? What should I do? I've always told myself I'd break up with someone if they cheated on me, but this seems borderline since it really looks like it was only flirtations. Some insight and advice would be appreciated, maybe someone who's even been through something similar.(Note: he has no access to the internet so was unable to edit out anything especially embarassing so I'm guessing that what I saw was about as bad as it gets - ex: Hey sexy, what's up?)
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cheated on me, flirt, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, wee_neko +, writes (4 March 2010):
wee_neko is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice...it turned out there was a lot more stuff he was hiding.
I'm in the process of trying to break up with him...he's been begging me not to break it off...but six months of online emotional infidelity is pretty much unforgivable.
He's implying that he's just going to ruin his career so he can go home (he's in the army) and i don't want him to ruin his life. I don't want him to commit suicide or anything. So i'm trying to let him down easy.
I know. He deserves some pain. But i don't want to hurt him any more than necessary. I still love who i thought he was. I certainly don't want him to ruin his life over this.
I just don't want to be hurt again.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 He is looking to see if their is greener grass on the other side of the fence.
Is that what you want in a husband? Someone who is always looking to see what else is available?
No, he might never actually find anything, but the message to me would still be "I am only with you until something better comes along".
It is if nothing else just rude.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): Yes I have been in a similar situation. Save yourself the trouble and dump him. Don't even think about it. My ex bf did similar things to me. Found random flirty texts to other chicks, he claimed the same bs your bf said. Mine said he was insecure, it was nothing, blah, blah, blah. I told myself the same thing, that I would never forgive a cheater and thought the same as you, that it was "borderline" cheating. Well I stayed with the loser, turns out he had cheated on me countless times. I was heartbroken. If your bf is even capable of doing that, he's capable of much more. Its a matter of opportunity. Obviously he's out looking for it, of course he's a cheater. If I could do things over again in my last relationship I would have peaced the piece of sh*t out the second I found those texts cause at least I would have saved my dignity and the humiliation and heartache I went through. Don't read into it anymore, the facts are right in front of you. He is a cheater, point blank. Don't ask anymore questions, don't think about it just get rid of him, u don't deserve that. Not only that but you'll kill two birds with one stone, you'll save your dignity and you'll make him suffer and think about what he did. Peace him out out out. Domt take his calls nothing. And be nice about it. Say, I thought we were on the same page about our commitment to each other, I'm sorry but I can't forgive you. And that's it don't say anything more. And just move on and don't take his calls. If you do exactly what I told you, you will drive him nuts. You go girl! You got this! Be strong!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): completely agree with "caring guy". DUMP. what the hell is he doing telling or implying that hes single to other girls, and asking for hookups? im sorry honey, you dont do that when you're in a relationship. you just dont. and for him to come up with that pathetic excuse, and then try and turn the blame around, thats a completely nasty and sly thing to do. anyone deserves much better than this.plenty of men out there stay faithful to their women.. and while he hasnt technically cheated yet, or so you think anyway, that doesnt mean to say he wont. what if one of these girls said, "yeah sure, lets hookup" ..? i wouldnt even risk it. he sounds like an a**hole and you dont deserve to be made to feel like second best or anything of the sort. hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 March 2010):
Dump him. Not only has he not accepted it and started to blame you, but he came up with a pretty feeble excuse. A man who loves you won't be on an internet site looking for hook ups and claiming he is simple.
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A
female
reader, BagLady +, writes (1 March 2010):
I have been in this situation in my Marriage. He is not in love with you. Simple as that. He may care for you deeply, but he is missing the rest of the true love pyramid-commitment and passion. He gets the passion from other women and straddles the fence as far as commitment. Do Not Marry him yet or you will be hurt deeply. He has stop holding himself accountable and is trying to translate his bad things (black) closer to not so bad things because...blahblahblah...oh look what a nice light shade of gray. He is cheating on you. It's one thing to desire someone else or be infatuated, but that should only last for a short while and remain in one's mind...keep it a fantasy. But he is looking for something-some thrill-it could be the 80/20 rule, or he's just an ass you fell in love with. Read other posts of betrayal from men, the general consensus is:if he is in Love with you-he won't have eyes for anyone else...or texts. On a positive note...maybe role playing is a thrill for him or he is just screwed up emotionally-most of these things you can make it through. You need to see how you contribute to this problem as well-you don't even know your boundaries so how is he supposed to know what is not allowable in the relationship- the rules of a relationship are made together-but this is a serious yellow flag...almost red, so you need to take it real slow...I would put marriage off for a good while longer. Getting married before you deal with serious problems is like stitching up a wound before you have made sure it is clean and won't get infected.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (1 March 2010):
 It is likely a portion of his story is correct about wanting to "get off." People do the same thing with pornography. Part of the allure is fantasy about something you can not have. But like any drug he is playing a dangerous game because when the novelty of this online activity wears off, he may seek to go deeper into the inferno of temptation. I would listen to his side of the story and try to be objective as possible, no personalizing his responses. HE has not cheated on you physically yet, though his emotions have been compromised. Still keep in mind that this could have been a long standing issue with him and it has not worked its way out since you have been in a relationship. Considering his reactions it was always a source of embarrassment but since it was confined to his own private world...no harm no foul in his mind. By uncovering this you may have just given him the edge he needs to get past something he may have been struggling with for quite some time. Being together a little over a year suggests your relationship still has much room to develop before it is pushed to the next level meaning marriage.
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A
female
reader, _Katy_Did_ +, writes (1 March 2010):
 It's hard to say if you should dump him or not. If I found something like this on my boyfriend's computer, you can bet I'd be in hysterics too. To me, this is pretty close to cheating if not the same thing. It's no different from him talking to a girl this way in person. And who knows what would happen if he were to meet one of these girls. It's a red flag and you need to watch this situation. But then again, why would he be getting on these sites if you meant as much as he says you do? Don't let him put the blame on you. This isn't your fault and if he had really been feeling neglected he should have spoken up instead of looking for "easy hookups" on the internet. In my experience, this kind of stuff DOES lead to cheating. But, that's just me.
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