A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Another porn question. My boyfriend of 16 months has thousand of porn pics/clips. He says that it was from the years he was single, however all the material he has makes me wonder how long everyday he would look at it and get off to it. When we first started having sex he was so bad and I'm sure it had to deal with all the porn he looked at. He couldn't even get it up, and not just sometimes, it was all the time. I stayed with him and now things are ok, but at one time I asked him if he could please delete most of it and just not save it, he said he would, but didn't. Yesterday I found three full cd's of porn. I just want to vomit. I need to know, please: If a man has huge, massive amounts of porn and desires to look at it when i'm away (within the hour that i have left for a night) should i find someone else?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): thank you for your opinions, i appreciate it. i just want it to be gone, that is all, if he wants to look it sometimes that is fine- but to have so much of it and me too, no way. i deleted it, and he seems to be ok about that, but we will shall see. i love him and i will stay with him but i won't lie, it is now something that i will always wonder about. men and women, when you say something, for the love of relationships, keep your word
thank you all again.
A
female
reader, Rymo  +, writes (1 August 2007):
hey been reading other peoples answers, everyone’s seems focused on "THE PORN" and everyone seems to agree that guys look at porn and it's fairly normal.But isn’t the issue here with you, you mentioned that it disgusts you and makes you "want to vomit" You got to admit this boyfriend of yours is pretty honest, most guys would just never mention their porn collection. For a guy it's like a diary, all those little secret desires, some that you are ashamed of but still intrigued by. Perhaps you feel threatened in a way, after all he's got you! The real thing, what does he need all that rubbish for - can I not satisfy him enough!? Would he rather wack off to his porn collection than spend a passionate night with me!?Some guys are ashamed or embarrass about their sexual fantasy’s and porn is the only way they can find that "satisfaction" if you will, without fear of judgment or being made to feel weird!After all not "every" guy has porn "collection" or even looks at it.My advise, (the porn isn’t the problem, it’s your concerns about it) speak to him about whatever sexual fantasy he’s not telling you, tell him yours. The porn shouldn’t be an awkward “issue” but a catalogue of ideas! If your relaxed about it, he will be more inclined to be more sexually open, and who knows the dreaded porn collection may even become unimportant to him then! Pull him out of his sexual shell!Go on girl! xx
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A
female
reader, Courtney_ann +, writes (1 August 2007):
 I don't know, personally porn isn't a big deal to me (unless of course we're not having sex because of it). I agree with other posters, however that I would be pissed off about the lying. If you want to keep it say so!
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A
male
reader, Zim +, writes (31 July 2007):
 I don't think you should find someone else, unless you feel that the relationship has irrevocably suffered as a result. I'm going to be honest with you, confessing things I wouldn't usually confess, since I can imagine your anguish in this situation. Speaking from a man's point of view, I have suffered the addiction to pornography. You know what the horrible thing is? I hate it, I loath the way it degrades women yet when I get tempted I still have this urge to look at it even though I know that I don't want to. I've made promises to myself constantly that I would stop and it just wasn't working. I still am ashamed of myself for those actions. If you only found three cds worth of pornography (That is still a lot by the way) whereas he used to have "loads of porn" then its a sign that perhaps he is trying to change? If he is addicted, then this is a sign of improvement and to be honest will be a long process. It took me a while to get "clean" and i'm feeling much better for it. The important thing is to be honest with him about your feelings yet be supportive. If he responds well to shame, them confront him with the knowledge that you know he still has pornography and that you feel degraded by it. This will hopefully provoke a positive response where he makes another concerted effort to get rid of his collection.I dealt with my problem in a spiritual way. http://christiananswers.net/q-eden/edn-f016.html is a particularly useful website for Christians in this kind of trouble as well as telling you the signs of addiction. If you need more of this kind of advice, just ask and i'll see what I can find. However, I never like to assume that someone is religious so here are a few things I can think of:- Be supportive yet firm with him. It is likely he is fighting a battle within himself so will need all the help he can get. It's important for him to know that you want to help him get through this as he is likely embarrassed by his actions. (Hopefully anyway)- Perhaps issue an ultimatum; either You or the Pornography.- Ask him if he would like to see a counsellor/psychiatrist to help him with this particular problem. - If he complains that it is so/too hard then tell them that there are hundreds if not thousands of men going through his same experience all of them trying to stop it.However, this is all based on the fact that he admits he has an addiction. If he doesn't, then it is vitally important that you both have a civilised, serious conversation about it. You want it out of your relationship for good reason. Don't back down. If he doesn't want to, AND it affects your relationship more than it already has, then i'm afraid it is time to leave him.I hope that this advice helped you.ZIM
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A
female
reader, splendid_spiders +, writes (31 July 2007):
Why would you leave him? Do you think you will find a man who doesn't look at porn? Personally, I'd be more concerned if he was talking to other women online. Women need to understand that porn is about sex ... not usually about how attractive the actresses and actors are. If he's looking at porn, he's horny and curious ... like most people. It probaby has nothing to do with his feelings for you. However, if his only hobby includes looking at porn, then he has a problem. And I'm afraid to say, from my experiences, men who have problems like this have to overcome it themselves. You can talk to them til you turn blue in the face, but most men will just attempt to hide it from you. If his need to look at porn is coming before your sexual needs, he needs a swift kick in the butt! You might want to spice up your sex life a little to begin with. My man once told me that men who look at porn a lot, aren't happy sexually. But if that doesn't work and his porn watching becomes obsessive, you might want to reconsider what kind of man you really want to spend your life with. You might not ever find a man who doesn't look at porn, but there are men out there who do not consume their time with it ... and their are men out their who will put your needs first and worship the real thing over what they can see on the computer! I know because I have one! Good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): When some men are single and non-attached, they do watch porn for sexual relief purposes. But I do feel that once, a couple become involved and committed, the pornography, from my viewpoint, serves no more purpose. Quite frankly, judging from all the distraught females (wives/gf's) who write in to this site about their man's porn use, one can quickly deduct that there is are few situations where pornography has enhanced a relationship. I think porn teaches the male that sexual release and nothing else, is all there is, to lovemaking. He beomes way too self-involved in attaining his orgasm. He does not become other-involved, where he 'makes love' to his partner for the purpose of bonding the relationship through the act of acquiring a deep, meaningful emotional/physical intimacy. It's all inter-connected, isn't it. Instead, he wants porn to have just 'sex' for his own gain and not for the pleasure of being able to give his emotional self to his partner.
Before you kiss this relationship goodbye, I would recommend that you and he sit down and talk to each other about what stands to be lost in this relationship if he doesn't dump this amazingly big collection of porn. It's plainly obvious that porn is an overwhelming past-time and hobby of his and it will continue to erode your feelings for him, if it hasn't already. If you ar repulsed by porn collection and the expanse of it..I would have to say that in your heart, something has likely been lost already. Mainly, your respect for him Tell him it's time to remove pornography from your home and he needs to learn how to focus on you. If he won't do this, then that could mean you both have major relationship values. I have to assure you, unlike what youmight hear from other posters answering this question...there are men out there that do not view pornography and are adverse to it. If he won't do this for you, go it alone. I can tell you I for one, would rather live my life on my own, than to have a man who is as addicted to porn as your guy is. If you go, at least you keep your self-respect intact and he becomes someone else's problem. This is just my opinion..I hate porn..always will. It's a blight on society and it has caused deep pain to a lot of wonderful women out there, struggling to keep their marriages and relationships afloat while tolerating and putting up with the poor character of a man who puts porn ahead of them.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (31 July 2007):
 That all depends on your level of comfort on this subject and judging from your post, I'd say you're not at all comfortable with this. Most men view porn occassionally either in between relationships, or just sometimes for extra stimulation. But what you've described seems more like he has a more serious addiction to it. Especially since he's been with you for over a year. He may need therapy, but there are books you could buy which he might read that would help him see the problem. It's a sickness just like any other addiction and it takes work and effort to overcome. Some men fight it the whole lives. Sometimes the only thing that works is a spiritual/religious experience. In the meantime, if it were me, I'd start deleting the pictures little by litte, and destroying a few cd's here and there. Of course he can always get more, but someone needs to take action and it mind as well be you. Tell him it's an intervention. Otherwise, you may have to hit the trails and find someone else.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (31 July 2007):
 Um i wouldnt say so? I mean, i think porn is fine for guys & girls. Men have always been more visual than women. I used to like the stories in grot mags (sorry thats my name for them) not the pics. And i used to borrow them off the guy i was with at the time. Ive kinda grown out of them now, but i certainly wouldnt get rid of a guy that likes porn no. But thats my opinion & only you know if you can live with this or not.
To be honest, you're younger than me, and if i went back a few yeaqrs maybe it would bother me, although ive still got a couple of videos the kids dad left when we split & that was when i was late twenties. I always think if im comfortable with the person im with, i dont care if they watch porn. Its not like they think they have a chance with the girls in them. They're not that daft!
Only prob i had once was a guy that thought all women ejaculated cuz he had seen it on films. Actually that was the guy that i borrowed the mags from. For a while there i thought i was abnormal! Research reassured me he had watched too many porn films lol
Its up to you at the end of the day but men will be men and some women will be, well, you know what i mean hehe. I can remember being a bit insecure at some point that i was being compared to the girls in those films but i also had a guy that felt like that too! so men can get funny about them as much as women.
If something is a problem for you, then your guy needs to take that on board & decide what to do for the best.
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (31 July 2007):
 it's a classic question where the basic differences between men and women show through. first thing i'll say is that the use of porn may not mean he doesn't love you or want to make love to you. i had a similar issue and basically what happened with me is that i sort of grew up, came to terms with the fact i wasn't single anymore and chucked it all out. it depends how patient you're willing to be and how responsive he is to your feelings on it. have you talked to him properly about it, telling him how it makes you feel?- that may help.
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A
female
reader, deb70 +, writes (31 July 2007):
Here's the problem: he didn't keep his word. You can explain that you were tidying up the place (or whatever) and found 3 Porn CDs and you were surprised because you and he had discussed this and he had told you he would delete most of it. So, you'd like to know why he's continuing with it. Ask him what about it turns him on. Encourage him to open up to you about it. He may be embarassed about some of what he likes sexually and so he's turning to porn because he's too shy to ask you. This can be a growth experience for the two of you and can make a difference in your intimacy with each other if he gets up the courage to come (pardon the pun - LOL)clean. Try not to accuse him of being more turned on by porn than you. Try not to get him defensive. Guys are different about these things - he may just be visually stimulated. Find a way to meet his desire for stimulation in that way -and maybe work out a compromise. He deletes a CD; you dress in a negligee or a teddy occasionally. He deletes another CD; you try a different position occasionally. Frankly, I think guys feel about porn the way women feel about shopping - it's just like a kid in a candy store - we can look, but we don't necessarily have to have. It's just distraction and a quick-in-the-moment feel good! Best of luck, sweetie. Hope this works out for you!
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