A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey,I'm really devastated right now and really hurt. My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. When it happened i felt as if i couldn't breathe. I mean, he just broke up with me out the blue. The day before the break up we were all fine. He said the reason why he broke up with me was because he was thinking about our past and thought that it wouldn't work for us in the future (my fault) because i'm so jealous. However, he forgets that he's given me reasons to question things and this jealousy episode didn't come from just anywhere. Anyway, i told him that in order for me to be able to get over this, he can't contact me. I cried to him and begged him to take me back but nothing. He told me that he understood and that he wouldn't contact me but the VERY next day he sends me a text with the subject "you don't have to reply" then he continues to tell me something about a mutual colleague. Well, i didn't respond because i had already told him not to contact me and i knew that chatting back and forth with him will make me feel even worse, because what if i respond and he didn't text back..you konw? Well, it has been 3 days since i've talked to him and a week since the break up. He hasn't contacted me and i haven't contacted him. I really miss him tho and i feel like i can die sometimes. I want to call him and tell him how much i miss him and love him. I just don't know what to do. The days change. In the morning however, it's the worst of all. Having to get out of bed and know that he is no longer a part of my daily routine is very depressing. God this is killing me. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy again..with him. All i can do is picture him with someone else, saying the sweet things he says to me, touching them like he touches me or making love to them the way he makes love to me, or just to be happy with someone else..kills me!
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 i love eyewideopen's tip. redecorate the bedroom. i have done that in the past and it really does help to overcome the memory of sleeping with the man in that room and gives you more of a fresh start. i had forgotten about that!
x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): I've been through this and we got back together only for me to end it myself only last Sunday. I finally realised what an immature, game playing a**hole he is. You will too if you can stay away from him. If he caused the jealousy he is obviously insincere by not accepting responsibility for his actions. Be strong and if you need support just put a post on here and everyone will support you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Redecorate: paint your walls a new color, buy new sheets,towels,bedcovers, get new pictures for your new walls, change everything you can afford to change. A new environment will bring a new frame of reference. You'll get passed this I promise you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is my first time using this site and i am absolutely thrilled that you guys took the time out to read and respond to me with so much effort. It really feels good to have a support team. You guys are the perfect strangers. Thank you so much for your responses. Today, i had a little break down but i'm ok as of right now. I know that i will have these mood swings and i'm gonna have to prepare for them. Thanks and i wish all of you love and happiness.
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A
female
reader, a_maldita  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Breaks my heart hearing another woman like me is hurting as much as I do. Seems to me almost all of us have been there as well... We cannot avoid heartbreaks and to be honest I'm feeling same thing as you do.. It's very hard to let go of the person that you really love. I mean losing them would be the worst thing that will happen for now but we don't have a choice after all. Maybe there is still a better partner for us out there. I know how hard it is, feels like you think you can't get through another day with out being with him... The feeling sucks but we have to move on anyway,,, When it first happen to me I felt like I'm dying with the pain inside but as time goes by I slowly adjust to him not being around anymore. But until now I's still hurting inside. Instead of grieving I just keep myself busy working or doing things that I love to do to get his off my mind.
We just need to be stronger in facing the problems and never give up... Good luck to you...
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Sorry for what you are going through right now,i know the feeling must be awful
It will probably not be a simple task figuring out why he broke up with you the way he did and when he did.
One thing am certain of is that non of it is your fault(at least not for reasons such as jealousy on your part),he just wants to manipulate you into feeling guilt for everything at the same time leaving him blameless for his decision
What i do think,however, is that he has probably taken fancy towards another girl,not necessarily seeing or being intimate with her,and he just wanted a clean way out(in this case citing how he couldnt deal with past issues to justify his decision while at the same time make you feel you were at fault)
You say he did a number of things to make you doubt his loyalty but did you just up and break up with him...NO!!...
You chose to work things out.Youve done the right thing by cutting contact with him.
DONT BEG him to take you back,DONT TELL him how much you care for him,miss or love him
Such actions only serve to feed his ego and give him more power over you and at the same time causing him to lose respect for you.
Instead act with indifference for your own dignity and self respect(trust me it will get to him as it happened to me as well in the past)
He may even realize his mistake and come begging(but dont lose sleep waiting for that to happen)
Bottom line you deserve a man who loves you,appreciates you and respects you and if you act like you dont deserve it,then he probably wont respect you
(however its been my experience concerning such matters that most womens feelings over ride logic and they end up enduring alot of crap from the men in their lives,but you are here seeking advice and advice you shall receive...the choices you make and actions you take are yours ultimately)
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A
male
reader, 83puremage1 +, writes (27 June 2011):
I truly understand how you feel because I was in a similar situation. My advise is not to think about anything that associates with him. I know is hard not to do it but at last you will get over it.
And lastly do not try to get him back because there must something that went wrong and you did not know. So, now you should just find your female friends and talk to them abou it. Let them comfort you.
Just remember life goes on and if he is yours then later or sooner he is yours one.
Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (27 June 2011):
i am sorry to hear this. i think we have all been there, and yes the morning times are the worst, i bet his face is the first thing you think of as soon as you wake isn't it?
you are missing him and dreading that he will replace you with someone else, and these feelings are entirely normal. you have to go through a grieving process. you will get through it. it his hard and not pleasant but people can get through this - they can get through worse too. the instinct to survive no matter what just kicks in.
you have done the right thing in asking him to not contact you, but then he did not respect your wishes! that is not fair of him and when his message was titled 'you don't have to reply' what that probably meant was 'you don't have to reply but i am sure and confident that you will anyway!' i think he probably wants to stay in contact with you as it gives him an ego boost to know that he still has someone who loves him and would take him back if his new plan for life doesn't work out how he wants it to. he knows if he breaks all contact with you that you WILL get over him and probably meet someone else and that then his door to you will be firmly shut.
the fact that everything seemed fine the day before he broke up with you, shows me that he can be a fake person, making you feel comfortable and then suddenly pull the rug out from underneath you. the fact that he is blaming this break up on you being jealous in the past also doesn't wash with me.. why has it only just become a problem for him now?? if he was so unhappy about it - why not break up with you back then??
you say he made you jealous. as i don't know the background i cannot comment. maybe he did give you good reason or maybe you were just over-sensitive to something, coz you had trust issues already? i have just finished reading a book written by a reformed womaniser and interestingly he says in the book that if you have a nagging doubt about something and it is preventing you from trusting your partner that this is your intuition calling and you should pay attention to it.
our subconscious mind picks up on stuff that our rational mind doesn't (such as body language, voice pitch, micro facial expression) and takes in other fine details. the cheating partner can talk his way out of things and your rational brain can be convinced to agree that yes, you maybe just being paranoid, but your subconscious brain doesn't forget what it has seen and heard, and carries on processing, thus giving you doubts.
i suggest you make a list of all his good and bad points, have a good think about his untrustworthiness too, and the stuff that made you jealous - without him now telling you to 'drop it, don't be silly, you're being paranoid, i would never do that etc etc' you are in a better position to judge for yourself what you believe happened.
keep the list, read it back to yourself often and particularly when you feel like you want to call him up to ask him to come back.
you will get over him. day by day, so subtly you won't notice it happen - you will think about him less and less until one day you will find yourself saying 'hey i've not thought about him all day today!' at the moment, loving him and thinking about him and now grieving for him is a HABIT but like all habits, this can be kicked into touch by abstaining from it, so - don't text or call him - you will only be hurt when you don't get replies (or you don't get the replies you want) don't look at his social network page if he has one, if you have mutual friends ask them to not tell you about him for a while, avoid places where he goes (if you can) is it possible you could get a new mobile number and then you won't be waiting for his messages? delete all his texts from your phone, delete his number from your phone (write it down somewhere and keep it out of everyday sight if you feel that totally losing his number is too hard at the moment, get rid of any photos of you together and any gifts from him or souvenirs that remind you of him - i am not telling you to dispose of them - just box them up and put them somewhere out of sight for the time being- get them back out when you feel stronger, resist the temptation to listen to sad music, this will just make you feel worse.
see your friends and family as much as you can, plan fun things to do in the future such as a holiday with friends if you can, that will give you something to look forward to. look after yourself physically - eat properly and drink enough water - avoid alcohol and drugs - don't try to anaesthetise the emotional pain - you NEED to go through this grieving process but there is no need to let it bring you down as long as you keep strong.
see this as a new start. you now have the freedom to one day meet someone new who YOU can be happy with, who won't give you reason to mistrust
best wishes
x
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (27 June 2011):
Ugh! I've been there and it is the worst ! I am so sorry.
When it's happened to me, I think "well if he can't see my worth, then he is not worth my time". Then I get excited that my real husband to be is still out there.
To get thru the emptiness of the days, I throw myself into work or Nother project.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): I have recently gone through a break up. well i wouldn't even say that because at least he was man enough to tell you to your face, imagine this: you go to work one day and he comes home packs up everything moves out to a "guy friends" house and then calls you at work to tell you i'm just not "in" love with you anymore. I know what you are feeling cause that is how i felt. we were together for 3 years. and now i have to live alone and my place just feels cold and empty. i feel as if i am going crazy with no closure! I am still not eating and sleeping well. I do know i will get over this with time, that is. A very long time! He was a big part of mine and my daughters life. she has been crying to me asking me why her daddy (he was not her biological father) didn't tell her goodbye or give her a kiss. it tears my heart apart. and i remember all the good times we had. and like you i was a jealous person and i always wonder if he had found someone else? Just know girl you will be fine. It hurts, yes but as long as you keep your self confidence and move on and give yourself the time to heal you will be great.
i still dream that he comes home to us and tells us he was sorry and it was the most stupid mistake he had ever made. but in my heart of hearts i know this is never going to happen. i mean he didn't even tell me face to face that he was leaving he did it while i was gone, where i had no closure and there was so much stuff left unsaid.
i hope this helps you somewhat. im so sorry you are going through what i am going through i wouldnt wish this much pain on my worst enemy. it just hurts too much! I hope you can move on with your life and let him stop dragging your heart around. i have been getting a little bit stronger everyday...even on my weakest days. You will too!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): Aw bless you, all I can say is let this mourning run its course,don't fight it - you have to allow yourself to be sad..
One day you will realise you haven't thought about him when you wake up and so you will slowly get over him.I know that doesnt seem possible right now but almost everyone's been there and survived - met somebody else etc
Keep busy, see your friends start a new hobby or something plan a girls holiday even if its just a weekend - your friends will help you.
Your doing right with the no contact.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): Never forget that you are your own woman.
There will be someone out there you can love just as much, and who can love you just as much.
Don't forget the times you shared together; they are an important part of your life. Use the things you learned from him to move on and make your next partner even happier.
The days will become easier. Find new things to learn and do to keep yourself motivated.
Source: Man dumped by someone he loved dearly, and has found someone even better.
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 All break ups are like this for someone. Take a day off work, lay in bed and watch movies and cry, throw presents he gave you at the wall, rip pictures up, etc. Maintain the no contact thing, though. This is important.
A few years ago my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me out of no where. We had just come back from a very nice month long vacation in the Florida Keys. I was stunned and hurt and sick over it for weeks. But I got over it. He was really good about not getting in touch with me, and I fought temptation every day to not talk to him. A few months went by and I met someone new.
So don't worry about it. I know it sucks and it hurts and it feels like there's nothing in the world that can make you feel better, but soon there will be. Start working out, go for walks, get a cat and care for it, make something new in your daily routine and it'll help. But right now go ahead and break down and mope about it. Go out to the bar with your girlfriends and get trashed, just don't drive home. You'll feel better after getting it all out of your system.
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