A
female
age
30-35,
*arasvati
writes:I'm in a relationship that is currently going on 7 months. My boyfriend and I met in college, and we are both 19 years old. It didn't take long, perhaps one month, before we slept together. I had been in a very serious relationship previously in which I was engaged. I had been in it for four years before the man cheated on me. My current boyfriend has not ever had a "real" girlfriend.I find myself facing several conflicts with him, many of which would take forever to list here. I'll try my best to be brief.Firstly, he often puts me down. He will make fun of me and imply that I'm stupid in front of his family members (they too have even commented that he can be rude to me). Whereas he will boost his own ego and make small accomplishments seem as if he's won the Nobel Prize. He fully expects me to sit there and listen to him gloat for literally ten minutes or so.He jokingly calls me names, "whore" and "bitch" being chief among them. I have told him repeatedly that those names offend me and yet he continues to do so, even in front of his mother.He will often become upset with me over seemingly nothing. Other times he will become upset, normally while driving, and then yells at me for getting scared of his little tirades. His tempter tantrums normally consist of cussing fits and hitting inanimate objects with his fists.Once he was fooling around with me and getting in my face, tickling me. I politely asked him to stop several times. When he didn't, I warned him that I would push him away. When I did shove him, he became angry and started squeezing my wrists until they turned red. It was painful. He has done that twice now. And the look on his face when he did that...it was almost as if he hated me and wanted to kill me. Is that considered physical abuse? It seems too blurry of a line to be sure.Recently I also found that he would masturbate to pictures of girls that he knew from high school while he was still dating me. He has pictures of me that he can use freely, but I find that he still uses porn (which he had claimed he wouldn't use) and these facebook pictures with girls in their bikinis. I have to wonder if I just don't make the cut. It's true that we don't see each other often, especially now that it's summer. But I feel that I'm not his first choice, I'm not a priority.I feel I must also mention that he uses me. During the spring semester of Freshman year in college, at first I would merely help him with homework. Then somehow I found myself writing entire papers for him and giving him answers to quizzes while he would play a computer game for hours on end. On the rare occasion I would refuse him, he would make empty threats such as I wouldn't be allowed to go to his place and such.My question is, is this truly a relationship that I can work out? I do love him despite these troubles. He can be sweet and loving at times, and he has a wonderful sense of humor. If at all possible, can I salvage the relationship? Change him, maybe, or have him realize his cruel and immature behavior? Or should I just move on and dump him?
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cheated on me, engaged, facebook, immature, move on, porn, puts me down Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sarasvati +, writes (27 June 2011):
Sarasvati is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so very much for your prompt and considerate answers. So far everyone seems to be thinking along the same lines. My friends and family tell me basically the same thing.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 "My question is, is this truly a relationship that I can work out?"
you already KNOW the answer to this! if you have come here to get other peoples vote of confidence in telling you you are right to dump him - you will not be disappointed coz i cannot see anyone telling you you're being unreasonable to want better (oh, apart from your jerk of a boyfriend that is!)
what you have told us shows this boy has got zero respect for you in many ways, what starts as verbal abuse and play fighting that gets too rough can one day build up into woman beating. what is his family like? are his parents together? if so how does dad treat mum? look carefully coz you will probably have the same to look forward to in your future if you stick with him.
porn - you will find it VERY DIFFICULT (i would say even impossible?) to find a man who doesn't like porn. the reason for this is that human beings are not naturally monogamous, so using porn and/or fantasising about others while having sex with their long term partner is their way of coping with monogamy, HOWEVER using people that you know whereby having sex with those individuals could actually become a reality is a step too far i think.
this guy has got bad news written all over him. he sounds like he actually dislikes you, he knows he can treat you this way and that you'll stay so why do you expect him to change? he doesn't have to. he gets a kick out of putting you down, it makes him feel good that he can do this to you and you are still devoted to him. that shows he is VERY insecure about himself deep down. this relationship is validating him. again, back to his child hood (where every persons ROOTS are) i wonder how he was treated by his parents, did they make him feel lovable? i guess not because why else does he feel the need to continually test you to see just how far he can push you before your love runs out?
anyhow, back to the here and now: you can do better than him and he probably knows it but the longer you stay and the more he puts you down the less you will believe that. if you want to try to threaten him to change, try it. but the fact that he is not changing while you are not threatening to leave him shows me that he WANTS to treat you this way.
i suggest you leave him to deal with his own issues. it is not your responsibility to try to 'fix' him or to wait for him to grow out of it, he is not a child now, this is him, his behaviours may change, he will get into different habits throughout his life, but at the core, he is just not good. end of. lots of people have fallen into the trap of staying with abusive partners, hoping for a miraculous change to occur. it very rarely does, at least not until the bad partner has some kind of wake up call, looks at their self long and hard, feels genuine remorse for all the bad they have done, gets some empathy for other people and THEN they can change. you telling him you will finish the relationship is not very likely to give him this severe jolt though, coz quite simply : he doesn't love you enough.
when he has his nice moments with you and he is sweet, look very carefully at the context. do these nice episodes occur when he wants something from you? even something as small as a hug or some attention? this shows that he is being nice for his own benefit, not yours
x
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Ive seen about a dozen red flags here,and while i might understand your need to care for,nurture and take in wild and stray animals but surely this has gone overboardI understand the fact that you feel love for him,but at this rate it may only last till death do you part,and im not thinking the next 56 yearsHe has some pretty bad tendencies for you to just ignore...i say you lose him,for surely you can do better...ultimately the ball is in your court,be smart!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): If you're masochistic or like drama, stay with him.
If you want to change him, or want to date someone who doesn't do crazy things, leave him.
Normal isn't for everybody though. If you really do like him, maybe you can try communicating about the extreme things he has done, such as hurting you physically. Make clear boundaries.
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