A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:hi please can anyone tell me if my bf`s behaviour is normal? hes lied so much im startin to wonder what to think. i met him in 07 when he was 34. he told me that between the ages of 12 to 15 he had been sexually abused by his stepfather. the abuse was random, once or twice a month over those years and the level of abuse was hand stimulation of each others genitals. he didnt tell anyone that he had been abused until his marriage broke down in 06 because he `forgot` about it until then. but when his wife cheated on him, he left her and moved to his sisters home and while there, he told his sister about the abuse. he asked her not to tell anyone but she checked with her 2 children, found the stepfather had abused them some time after he had abused my bf and so his sister acted on it. their stepfather was taken to court. my bf didnt want to go to court and only gave evidence via video link. the stepfather was released because of insuffient evidence. i asked my bf why he had allowed his niece and nephew near the stepfather knowing he was an abuser. he said because he had forgotten all about it at that time. i asked if he ever left his own children in the care of the stepfather, he said no of course not. ive now found out through him talking more, that he did remember what his stepfather had done to him but he trusted him and didnt think he would abuse anyone else! he also always knew what was happening to him was wrong although he had previously told me he didnt know it was wrong at the time. hes also said he did leave his children in the care of his stepfather many times when they were little. hes said the abuse wasnt just hand stimulation. he and the stepfather performed oral sex on each other regularly and the abuse wasnt once or twice a month, it was regularly 3 or 4 times a week over the years. hes also become vague about when it ended but thinks it was when he was about 16 now. ive asked what finally stopped the abuse. he said one night his stepfather tried to have anal sex with him and he told him to stop because he thought it might hurt (not because it was wrong?) and the abuse ended that night. well thats what he says anyway. hes said he was `turned` on by what happened between them and enjoyed recieving oral sex rather than giving it and on occasions he made sure he was available to his stepfather. is it normal for abused people to enjoy things like that? i always thought he had been forced into things, not actively sought it! with me, he seems indifferent about sex most of the time and has difficulties performimg unless he is behind me. if im facing him he often has to stop because he says he cant `manage` to do anything. i thought it was me doing things wrong but im starting to wonder now, does he have issues regarding women. i know things werent that good sex wise between him and his wife either because he told me. i should add that his stepfather never used blackmail,threats or violence against my bf. hes said the stepfather used to buy him presents and tell him they had a special bond.... which i think my bf still believed up until he found out about his nephew and niece. can i trust him not to lie about anything else? are his reactions to the abuse normal? are his ways with me when we are intimate normal? if anyone can shed some light id be very grateful. thank you
View related questions:
anal sex, oral sex, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PixiePie +, writes (1 November 2009):
 when a teacher seduces a pupil and sexually abuses them, even though the pupil likes it, it is still abuse.your bf is probably really confused and messed up because he can't get out of his head that he liked it at the time and is probably disgusted with himself.it is hard for anone to cope with that sort of thing, but it is even worse when you have mixed feelings on the subject.just be there for him with an ear and an open mind. if you push he's likely to reach breaking point.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): as much as i would like to say... do this and do that... none of this will help.
the only answer is therapy. He will need it and so will you. There is only one healthy way to deal with everything and that will be through counseling. It will be long and hard but extremely beneficial in the long run. Trust me on this.
...............................
A
female
reader, old-spinstah +, writes (23 October 2009):
Unfortunately many sexually abused teens have the added problem to deal with that they felt sexual gratification from the abuse even if they didn't "enjoy" it. Some don't even feel that they were abused until much later in life because their abuser groomed them so effectively - present-buying, compliments, made to feel special etc. Teenage boys are full of hormones and easily aroused so with good grooming it isn't all that surpring that he felt some pleasure from the abuse. It's a myth that sexual abuse is always a result of physical force.
It's perfectly possible that your b/f did block some of the memories to help him cope with daily life. Or at least repress them so he was barely aware of them which is why he may not have protected his niece & nephew or his own children as well as you might expect. Nobody wants to remember or even admit to themselves that they were sexually abused by a family member and they liked it and came back for more.
Your boyfriend has been revealing things to you slowly and this is normal. I don't think he was exactly lying to you - just not telling you the whole truth because telling you all of it would just be too painful
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): there is a lot of difference between how men and women react to abuse. Women tend to think that it was abuse, men seem to focus on the fact that they like it.
Regardless of that it does change sexual behaviour. And unless he is aware of what is happening to him he is not going to want to change.
Stimulation, in his case, will be passive. It's something that happens to him.
It's possible with an aware and 'normal' partner to deal with this entirely within the relationship, IF he wants to. He has to know that his responses hassle you and he needs to have a problem with that.
To put it in a context: I was abused for years and years and once I was an adult all my sexual fantasies involved rape (not actual behaviour or acting out). While I would not judge other people' fantasies, I knew that this was abuse talking and I took my time seeking a partner who was not going to pick up those sort of cues from my behaviour, who was strong enough not to turn them into some game.
It took a couple of years but I even stop having those fantasies and have become more and more active.
...............................
A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (23 October 2009):
 Have you ever heard of stockholm syndrome? Its a psychological response to mainly people held against their will or in a situation where one person is dominant and the other submissive. Essentially the victim becomes emotionally attached to the abuser and will go so far as to feel loyalty to them and defend them.
It sounds as though your partner was groomed. If he was his abuser did not make him feel like a victim. Its very insideous because the victim feels like he had a choice in the matter and was in a relationship as if he were an equal leading to possibly finding pleasure in the acts. This will lead him as an adult to not feel like a victim. This is not the usual abuse we hear, but it is very common. We dont hear about it because the victims dont feel like the were taken against their will or overtly violated if groomed from the start to end. So they dont feel like victims and can actually take offense when someone calls them that. However, you and he having problems sexually says otherwise. It affected his ability to preform with women and quiet possibly stigmatised to gay sex, but more probably just with his stepfather. Since this was secret sex he probably sees the taboo of it and may get a thrill when he thinks about it. It is noraml when faced with this sort of abuse. This is why we have statuatory rape laws.
I would also like to let you know that when people come out with these things, they come out in pieces. Rarely do people spill completely. This is usually to "test" the waters of reaction. I would say he is growing more and more safer with you to let you know the truth and you should not take this as him lieing in a bad way. If anything he is trying to protect himself from a bad reaction one small dose at a time. You have to be patient if you want the full picture. He may have issues still have issues do to this abuse, but I would stay calm and just be there to talk to him. If sex is the issue I think seeking a sex theripist may be the best thing. If you suggest just a therapist for his abuse he will clam up and he wont like it. However if you address the sexual problem you have and suggest a sex therepist, he would be more open to that and he can figure out if the sex problem stems from the abuse.
Tred carefully.
HonningKanin
HonningKanin
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 October 2009):
I'm afraid it is. Your boyfriend believed that what was happening was right and that there was nothing wrong, the same as most abused people simply don't understand what is happening to them. I also think that he repressed it all as well. Keep him talking, and I would recommend that you yourself talk to someone who can help you understand him a bit more, and also make sure that you can come to terms with what has happened. I also think he needs a counsellor. He deosnt' have issues with women, merely issues with sex itself. It's most likely he'll find it hard to do anything emotionally, and has to imagine you as an object so he isn't as close. Don't take that personally, he can't help it. I hope you can fix this, so good luck.
...............................
|
