A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with being too nice. I don't want to be too nice because I know sometimes I need to put my needs first.However, I find it difficult to let down a friend when they need me.It is just not in me to say NO.I question myself because it's not because I want to please them or be a people pleaser.It's because I am highly spiritual and believe it is what God would want us to do. To help one another and love one another. To take care of each other if we are capable of doing it.I recently got divorced, and I must say. I am damaged and healing from it. I learned a lot from it. Not to be a doormat. Stand up for myself. And I feel myself being stronger everyday. However, once I am put to the test, I cannot walk away from a friend who genuinely needs my help. For ex: My friend's car broke down as we were leaving a restaurant. I had somewhere to go. But I cancelled what I was doing to stay with him to make sure that the tow truck came and everything was okay. It took 5 hours of my life. He was appreciative, but after my divorce, I told myself I would put my needs first. ...so I failed. Something inside me could not walk away and leave my friend there, even though he was a big boy and could take care of himself. I didn't grow up in the best childhood and as an adultslowly working on my issues to become a better person.I want to be the best person I can be,and I realize a lot of my pain is from caring too much for people. So I told myself to let go. "Who cares.".."whatever" attitude. but I can't do it. I am a nice girl and I don't want to be. How to I let this go and become not a "Bitch"but someone who just doesn't give a flying "F'about what people think, what people say. ect.ect.I want to be that confident, in control girl.But when I go out,I am shy, too friendly, girl. Is that just who I am because I was born with that personality...or can I change to be the woman that I want to be. Any advice will be helpful. thank you.
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male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (24 October 2009):
you might want to read up on co-dependency... your people pleasing is not healthy for you, which you seem to understand.There are hundreds of good books on the subject, and I'm sure that a good used book store will have dozens of them, as should your local library.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 October 2009):
You sound lovely, so try not to change too much. I understand your point though. I guess you didn't feel appreciated when you were younger (you say you had a difficult childhood), so I'm also guessing that you don't feel much self worth unless you feel you've helped someone and had praise from them. You know you should focus on yourself more, so start small. go and get yourself pampered at a health spa with massages and pedicures and all that. Buy a new wardrobe that you feel comfortbale in, but that also shows everyone else that you can be taken seriously and you can fight back. Take up some new hobbies that require you to do some work for yourself. Sailing, dancing, gym all sorts that make you feel great about yourself, so you don't need to find praise by doing things for others. Also, it might be a good idea just to talk to a counsellor so you can understand yourself a bit more. They might be able to suggets other things as well. Good luck.
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