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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My ex constantly cheated when we were dating. I was even the one he cheated on his ex with. I forgave him everytime because I loved him and thought he loved me to death according to the commitment he gave and he would beg his parents and friends to ask me to give him one more chance. I thought I would change him, but things just happened again and again. Anyway, now he's with someone else. I tried to date a few times, but I still have trust issue. Are cheaters always cheaters? How do I deal with it?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 April 2014):
 Do cheater never change ? .. Well, never is a long time, -never say never.
It's a matter of probability, though. Same as, of course not ALL the tourists who take a stroll in a bad neighborood of a big city at 4.am., sporting gold watches and expensive caneras, will be assaulted and robbed. Some will be ignored, some maybe will be even be accosted by kind strangers asking if the tourist got lost and needs help. But- that last possibility is rare, the other scenatio is much more prevalent. So, why risking unless is absolutely necessary.
That does not mean though that EVERY man is a serial cheater. Your EX was a serial cheater, it would not be fair to make the next guy accountable for your EX's past bad behaviour.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 April 2014):
 I don't date cheaters either, but do I think they'll "never" change?? I'd say the vast majority of cheaters never deal with the code or viewpoint or upbringing that facilitated their mindset or their intemperance. There are exceptions, and I find that they usually involve a sense of absolute horror at what they did (i.e. getting blackout drunk, or extreme remorse and voluntary self-exposure and a lifetime commitment to rebuilding trust).
In your case, you said that you didn't realize that you were the one that the guy cheated on his ex with. That there should have disqualified him upon realizing that he lied to you. You can have trust issues, but in the end, you should look at yourself for allowing the cheating over and over and consider what it was in you that didn't put the hammer down when the first episode came to light.
The greatest friend of trust is time. You can't look over your shoulder with a guy, constantly surveill him and trap him with unspoken truth tests because of what an ex did in the past. People with trust issues tend to see infidelity if they truly want to, and they'll construe innocent acts as signs of distrust (i.e. not telling you their email password or locking their phone).
You can't protect yourself 100%, but a good bet is to consider a person's background, and not to let things go on after lies have been exposed.
Cheaters tend to be serial in nature, but I have seen very few exceptions. Your ex was a serial cheater and threw up every warning sign available.
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A
male
reader, LuvHurts +, writes (9 April 2014):
I agree with honeypie and MSA .. once a cheater does not mean he/she will always be a cheater. People grow up and People change. You will find the right guy one day who will be able to show you that you can trust him 100%. don't let your past relationship affect your future judgement of men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): this is from the poster. thank u for your advice and just to clarify this, i didnt know it when i was the one he cheated on his ex with....
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Cheating is always an awful and hard expeirence to go through. Especially when you love a person so much and unfortunately for you they cannot stay committed. Dealing with cheating is harder than it sounds, sometimes it can leave deep emotional scars which can be hard to heal or get rid of when it comes to relationships in general. And as hard as it is, when it comes to cheating you have to forgive and forget. And when I say forgive you need to forgive yourself. Often people who have been cheated on constantly blame themselves, think that is was there fault or they weren't good enough for there partner, or they feel silly and worthless for giving a person so many chances, but it is a common mistake that happens to us all, and I do believe there is a limit when it comes to forgiving cheaters, some people will forgive someone for cheating 2 or 3 times, others will forgive cheaters almost everytime and never wake up to the harsh reality of it. Obviously you have done the right thing as you are no longer with this guy, and you deserve too be treated much better, but know from a fellow person who has also been cheated on that none of it was your fault, it was a personal choice he made and he made it alone, half the time there isn't actually anything wrong with the person who has been cheated on but there is something wrong with the cheater when it comes to there decision making skills and mentality. As for your man question as to whether a cheater can change? For me, i'd say yes but not very often. You find a lot of men and women who cheat will continue doing so for a large portion of there life, simply because they cannot resist temptation or they are incredibly selfish. Of course people can change and make genuine mistakes which they regret later on, and some people can cheat in one relationship and then sort it out in the next. However I believe once a person cheats on you once, then thats it, they will cheat on you over and over again if they get the chance because they know you will forgive them. So I suggest in the future the first tome someone cheats on you respect yourself and show them the door straight away to avoid any more future re-occurrences. Good Luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): If you cheated with him on his last girlfriend; that technically makes you a cheater also.
Cheating in a relationship is a collaborative-crime. The person who cheats in violation and betrayal of their committed relationship; and the person (co-conspirator) who knowingly and willingly cheats with them.
Knowingly or not, you are his accessory to the crime of cheating. You have a moral responsibility to determine if he is single and available first.
Does that mean you'll always cheat?
People do change, they do learn from the error of their ways, and they sometimes atone for their crimes. Repeated-offenders usually find it difficult to change; and they are likely to stay consistent with their past history. They cannot be trusted. Lets say the odds are more likely they will cheat again, than they will not.
There is always the risk anyone can cheat. There are different circumstances and events that may lead up to it.
It's still cheating and it's still wrong. If you feel you're in a situation where you're not happy; it's best to remove yourself first, then pursue what you want and need.
Not go behind someone's back, then plead innocence under extenuating circumstances.
If you find yourself in a situation getting out of hand, remove yourself before you lose the ability to resist temptation. Drunk is always a convenient excuse. No more excusable. If you weren't too drunk to cheat.
Cheating is most often premeditated and avoidable. If it happens over and over. It's intentional and deliberate.
With no regard or respect for the trust given to the cheater.
There is no excuse. Even if the one you are with has been very bad to you. Why bother staying committed them; if you want someone else? Even if for one night?
You take back your freedom, move on, and do just as you please. You don't do the deed; then return with a sack full of self-righteous claims of vengeance, or a mouth full of excuses.
You've gotten your karma. You have learned first-hand, that at least in your case; he may always be a cheater.
You can exonerate yourself, by making sure you don't follow in his footsteps; and make sure the next time you find a man; be sure he doesn't belong to anyone else at the time.
People may start out in their younger lives messing around and cheating; because they are only experimenting, and we are only in trial relationships early in our youth.
We are not as seriously committed and exclusive when you're only 16, as you would be if you are 26. You are well beyond a reasonable age of accountability for your actions. You know more from a mature-level of understanding what commitment means and entails. So you don't get to play the carefree youth-card.
People have maintained marriages, and have endured cheating.
The original amount of trust in that marriage is lost. There is always that memory that haunts the marriage, for the rest of its existence. There is still some measure of insecurity for the victim; who graciously decides to forgive and work it out. A tiny pain always stabs at their heart. As you'll always feel; and it may serve as a reminder in your future relationships. You know exactly how it feels.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (9 April 2014):
 I agree with Honeypie.. once a cheater does NOT mean he/she will always be a cheater.
I do believe that once they realize just how much their actions hurt their partner, they will change. But they will need to realize this and make the decision to change. If they are not ready to do so, there is nothing you can do.
Please try to open up your heart and trust.. not everyone is a cheater and someone will prove to you that they are worth all your trust and love! Cheers!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 April 2014):
I think that people who are often cheating are sometimes just the type of person who has poor self control, is selfish, doesn't think of the consequences of their actions, etc. Those traits lead to serial cheating and they don't just disappear.
However I certainly believe someone can chest and be faithful for the rest of their life.
I had a girlfriend I cheated on about 3 times in a year. She was the only person who I ever cheated on. I was way into her and I think I might have been insecure because she had some personal issues. I'm not positive why I cheated.
I'm currently married and can't imagine cheating on my wife.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Are cheaters always cheaters?
I don't think so. What I do think is that if a partner cheat more then once and YOU (general you) stay, you are somewhat enabling the cheater.
I DO NOT believe a woman/man can change a cheating, lying, morally corrupt partner. NOR.... I DO believe it is a woman/man's job to "make" someone they are with, be faithful.
Being faithful/cheating is a CHOICE.
You will always have a bit of trust issues over this, but you need to give YOURSELF and anyone you DATE a break. THEY are not your ex. And you are not the reason the ex cheated. You "allowed" your feelings of love for him, to override the instinct that told you if he cheats he doesn't love me, doesn't respect me.
Only thing you CAN do (if you want a partner in life) is to GO slow. LISTEN to your gut. TRUST in your own instincts and be READY to NOT put up with shit in the name of love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): I don't date people who have cheated full stop. For me it's definitely a case of once a cheater always a cheater. I'm not going to risk my heart on a person who "might" have changed.
They could justify it once in their mind, then as far as I'm concerned they can do that again.
I do know people who have cheated and never did it again, still doesn't mean I'd risk it.
With all due respect, OP, you cheated with him too. Did you really think you were so amazing and special he wouldn't do it to you too?
In my mind you too are a cheater and someone that would be off my list. I don't date people who screw over others just to get sex. Maybe for you it's okay to be the mistress, but to me that's just as bad as cheating on a partner.
In your circumstances, OP, you can't judge all men based on this one guy. As long as you don't make the stupid mistake of being a guy's mistress again then you lower the risk of it happening to you.
OP people will treat you how you treat others, you treated his ex with enough contempt and so little consideration you basically started a relationship with a guy who didn't need to respect you, you were his bit on the side, nothing more.
If you want a better quality of man, then you need to keep your standards high by acting in dignified manner because you're not a victim of your ex, you were a willing participant that helped him cheat, you don't get to moan that he did it to you too.
We're not all like that, OP, but if you lay in shit you'll get covered with flies.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 April 2014):
Dear OP,
I believe that people can change - IF they want to and if they see a better way to do things. Cheating is an easy way out of an uncomfortable or unsatisfying situation.. but it's not an attempt to solve the underlying problem and it can become sort of a bad habit. However, neither of us is doomed to always stay the same.
I am very cautious about cheaters though. I never date a man who is still in a relationship and I don't want to be the "other woman", ever. That's one way to be cautious and also, it's for moral reasons. I don't want to ruin another woman's relationship and encourage a man to be dishonest.
My advice is therefore to continue dating, just be careful and avoid people who are still somehow involved with a girlfriend or ex. Not every man is a cheater or will always stay a cheater once he's done so. But why take an obvious risk?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Some will say "once a cheater always a cheater" but I don't know that it's true for everyone.
my ex husband lied and cheated on me... but not his current wife.
my dad had ONE affair with a woman after being married to my mother for over 25 years... she forgave him and he never cheated or lied again. he's been with his current gf since my mother died and he's never cheated on her.
So as much as others can say yes and give you anecdotes that show they are right others can say NO and give you the same type of anecdotes.
I think that people cheat because they don't realize that their relationship is not good and assume all relationships are this way but then once they meet the "right person" no more cheating.... so maybe for some it's just a bad fit (like my ex husband and me... he settled and he thought he was in love enough... clearly he was not)
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A
female
reader, tibob  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 I think that men who cheat once will do it again whenever they get the opportunity. You continued to date a man who has cheated you so kany times. You should have more respect for yourself and love yourself more. To cheat is a choice
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