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male
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26-29,
*am Wilson
writes:I know I'm not the most active poster here and I'm not hoping that anyone would recognize me but I'm just gonna post this here for a message and maybe some advice.I'm thinking of leaving DearCupid for some time, all this posts about cheating, swinging, and couples arguing are really taking a toll on me.I've always been the optimistic guy hoping for the best but reading and trying to answer all those questions are really affecting me psychologically. I'm currently in a 2 year relationship with my girlfriend. We are both quite young at 22-23, I'm really considering marrying this girl...but all this post of infidelity and young people being young people is chipping away at my optimism. I know my Girlfriend and I are doing great so far, but still when the seeds of doubt are planted it's kinda hard getting it out...I cant help be paranoid for the future, not because of her but because people are people...sometimes they lose faith, sometimes they lose trust, sometimes they're prone to doing stupid things and tend to follow their whims and desires. I'm scared that me or my Girlfriend will eventually develop this way too. Am I being impractical here?But yes I'm thinking of quitting this site for a while and hoping to regain back my ROSE-COLORED GLASSES WEARING SELF again...and maybe having a talk with my girlfriend on what I'm currently feeling (as ridiculous as this feeling is) , I'm hoping of returning when I find reading about said topics to no longer be disturbing or disheartening and maybe tell her that I'm visiting this site too. Good Luck with everyone and I think its farewell for now.-Sam Wilson
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reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (3 December 2017):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you aunt honesty, chigirl, wise owlE, and Anonymous 123. I know its something that I have to work on though I hate to say that dearcupid is affecting me negatively because it certainly hasnt, everyone helps everyone here...and it pains me to admit that I maybe too weak willed to stomach some of the scenarios. As Ive said from my last reply ,Ive registered for some therapy. As Ive really felt that I needed to work on me...
I have confided in Dearcupid for years that it finally gave me the strength to see a therapist regularly about everything. AGAIN THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. ILL PROBABLY GIVE AN UPDATE AS TIME GOES BY...then eventually I hope to return to answering here once I feel that Im no longer insecure or shaken about everything thanks.
Good Luck with everything.
-Sam Wilson
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 December 2017):
 Hi Sam ?? I think it is best to come off the site for a while if you are getting negative vibes from it and it is worrying you. It’s great to hear that you take with you the fact that you have also helped people with their problems. Off course there are going to be lots of break ups and things not working out for people on this site but if you feel that worries you then take a step back. I hope all goes well with you and your girlfriend and remember that we are always here when needed
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 November 2017):
 I dont think its good to be paranoid about the future, but you should have your eyes open and be realistic. I see all these problems on dearcupid as warnings. Be aware that this and that might happen. Prepare for it mentally. Dont go into life, or marriage, thinking it is a Disney movie. Because that is when you will make mistakes. On the other hand, when you know there will be temptations ahead, you could be prepared in advance on how to not fall for those temptations /make those mistakes
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2017): Don't only focus on the problems, but also read the solutions and advice. Life has ups and downs. We experience joy and sorrow. What you should take from these posts is insight into the human-experience. Life doesn't always promise an upside.
Another way to look at it is gaining more empathy and compassion for those who suffer, or who have been abused. You have to adopt a certain amount of objectivity, to see it from the OP's position; but being able to step-back and view it from your own perspective.
You have to regulate your own prejudices and biases. This is a good place for that kind of exercise in your humanity. You maintain a certain amount of detachment, making sure you don't get caught-up in the problem; but more focused on answers and solutions. Don't attempt to answer all the problems. Only those you can relate to, and have knowledge to offer based on proven fact; and backed by your own personal-experience.
You gain a better perspective and eliminate unfounded prejudices; because you see how much we all have in-common.
How much we all share as human-beings; and how wrong it is to be apathetic or self-righteous, if you have no idea what someone is going through.
The worst side of human-nature is not caring. Being disconnected, calloused, and selfish. Judging others based on prejudice and intolerance; regardless of seeing the truth before your very eyes. People actually deny the truth; because it is more important to be right.
Our nation has a new administration, and we are undergoing an era of nasty confrontation, blatant intolerance, and disrespect for the civil-rights of others. The new administration has empowered public displays of bigotry and xenophobia. Members of our leadership are foul, corrupt, elitist, and power-hungry. People need to see hope, they need to vent, and they need to know that there are answers.
Our job is to help them cope amidst what seems to be hopelessness.
Being more mature myself, my wisdom comes from not only my education; but from a vast well of experience. I have not experienced all the problems that we read on DC; but I have had exposure and/or witnessed these issues presented here, in the lives of those I know and love.
I have had long-term relationships. I've gained knowledge that I can tap into, and mix it with the experiences of others. I can recall the advice I've received from others much wiser, the advice from the aunts and uncles here on the site, and from many professional publications that I've read or studied over many many years.
Do not let cynicism sour you over life; because this is where people come to seek comfort and vent their troubles.
No one here has answers for everything, and sometimes the answers needed are already known by the OP. All they need is encouragement, support, and to know they're not alone.
It doesn't necessarily mean all the negative experiences is what you have to look forward to in your own relationships and journey through life. Each is given his and her own path. We have our own choices, and we are assigned different destinies. You can avoid a lot of obstacles and future challenges by learning from others what it's like. Then you may even apply what you've read and learned when that problem comes your way.
When it starts to affect you psychologically or you start to sour on life; it is time to give it a rest. You must not be personally absorbed; but reach into your supply of kindness and compassion to console others who rely on our wisdom and advice.
Best of luck to you and the young lady of your dreams.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 November 2017):
 Sam, DC is meant to help people feel better about themselves and hopefully sort out their problems. You seem to have difficulty in differentiating between what's really yours vs something that is others'... Problems, personal life, etc. Just because others are going through something doesn't mean that you will too! You're taking things the wrong way. I think most of us who've stuck around are not here because WE have any problems in our lives per se. I'm speaking for myself here when I say that I'm here because I only hope that if I can help someone, even if it's one person, then I'll feel that I've done my bit. In the big bad world out there, this is one place where people help others out of goodness of their hearts.
On a different note, so you like reading Sam? Do you read books? The reason I'm asking you this is because the more you read, the greater insight it will give you into human behaviour. You get to know characters, all kinds of people... Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, complex, complicated, multi-layered, multi-faceted, multi-dimensional people... And you will realise that they are capable of emotions and ways of acting that you and I might not even think of. Then again, just because Khaled Hosseini's world of war stricken Afghanistan depicts unspeakable abuse doesn't mean that (hopefully) you or I will ever face it. Just because Murakami speaks of suicide and unrequited love in Norwegian Wood doesn't mean that our lovers will be the same and if Erich Segal's Jennifer died a tragic death leaving Oliver heartbroken in Love Story, it doesn't mean it's going to happen to everyone out there.
Like books and the characters in them, DC is also meant to give you an insight into human behaviour and the reasons for it and it goes a step further... We try to listen to people and give unbiased answers to their problems... issues which they might not have discussed with anyone else.
However Sam, all said and done, if you want to leave then please go ahead. DC is meant to help others and the intent is never to cause pain and doubt. That defeats the very purpose of this site. Go if you must but remember that you are and will always be welcome, should you ever choose to return.
All I'll say in the end is that, don't internalize others problems- not on this site and not anywhere else. Try to inculcate a sense of detachment... See and learn without taking everything personally.
All the best with your life and relationship!
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reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (23 November 2017):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone, and yes Been there Now over it; I am thankful for DearCupid for a lot of things. I no longer see myself as the same 19 year old boy who got devastated by the end of his 4 year relationship, I’m no longer the guy who desperately fought for his ex hoping everything would turn out dandy and we’ll be together again. I’ve grown a lot in the few years I’ve been in this site, even though I would only drop by a few times a year; because I’ve also got a few problems to deal with.I grew a lot in this site, and I am thankful for the likes of Aunt Honesty HoneyPie, Tisha-1, Abella, Cindy Cares, WiseOwlE , janniepeg just to name a few. They read a lot about my adult life and helped me grow up and gain perspective of what it means to be in a relationship. I’m even greatful that Cindy Cares remembered details about my LDR, and for HoneyPie who often gave blunt advice (mostly saying how I’m acting stupid and to get a grip). It really shows how there so much to this site than just giving your opinion, even though some of the questions are repeated I’ve always felt a hint of concern coming from everyone…and I try to emulate that in my answers too.I started giving advice to provide a naïve boys perspective, trying to elaborate and sometimes justify the other side of the posters problem. But now I can’t find myself to write the answers I know I’d write, like to choose love, to fight for marriage, to speak your heart...Every time a poster replies to me saying I did well and gave them something to think about, that I helped her/him a lot and that they are now dating or back together, I feel genuinely happy for them. I remember a post back last year where the poster thanked us for giving her confidence and that she’ll print the answers to give her strength…that made me happy too. That her life changed just because a few people took the time to write her something honest. But that’s it, no matter how repetitive the questions maybe I wouldn’t say that I’m jaded. It’s more like I’m affected because in recent times I’ve suddenly get PMs or FOLLOWUPS saying that things didn’t go well or that he/shes deciding to leave the partner, to say there is nothing in their relationship, that breaks my heart too.And I know it’s wrong to be affected by others, and it’s wrong to reflect onto myself whatever happens in their lives, but I guess I did get affected… “must feel very fragile, very not in control of your emotions and of your relationship, and oblivious , or unaware, that you always have agency in your life”…well I guess I really do have those problems, I don’t know if this is separation anxiety but I’ve only been with two women and they always been my rock. So now I really do feel powerless without my girlfriend here. And I know those are a whole new list of issues and insecurities that I know I have to deal with. “The whole thing about loving someone is you have to let go and put your trust in the other person”…well I trust her, I just don’t trust time (if that makes sense?). We have total trust between us but I feel that me being me will eventual just break her. Little things you know. FYI I have Aspergers (she knows).“f you feel being on DC isn't ADDING positive things to your life, then, by all means, put it behind you - for as long as you like or permanently.”…I do feel it’s adding a lot of positives in my life but it’s also shown me that the world isn’t as bright and dandy as I thought it was a few years ago. Maybe I’m saying that I grew up too fast if that’s possible?A year ago if a boy/girl got to a fight with her partner how terrible the fight may sound I would usually right that “if you can find it in your heart to love him/her then fight for it” ,”try and tolerate him/her as I you knew she’d/he’d do for you”, “Time has changed your partner but the person you love is still there and still feels for you” . I can no longer find it in myself to right those answers and just find it right to say “if your partner doesn’t treat you right leave him” ,”if you feel that your missing something or unhappy break up with him/her”…which is a farcry from the man I used to be. I know growing up adds perspective and makes you think of the world as a more realistic place. But as I’m writing this I finally found the words I want to say…I don’t want this me to be in a relationship with my girlfriend. I want the optimist to be in charge again…so when we get to a fight I wouldn’t give her up standing. To consider every single problem she has and be more tolerable of her if she gets cold or cranky. Yes maybe it’s just the separation and my minor attachment issues talking but I’d prefer her to see/remember me this way as time goes on. As you can see I’m a very sensitive guy and after reading all of these posts, I changed and lost a part of my old self that I kinda missed and I just want to have it back, for myself and for my girlfriend…looking back at the last few questions I posted, really hit me like a brick wall that I feel I need to reconnect with my old self again.Thank you everyone I know this isn’t the last time I’ll be posting here as an Uncle or an Asker, I just think I need sometime discovering if this feeling of growing up is right for me. I think I’ll still be reading in this site, I just don’t think I can bring myself to answer posters here, when I myself is a bit conflicted on my mindset and overall outlook on life and love itself. I’m seriously considering seeing a Psychiatrist now…since I don’t think it’s right for me to express every single problem I had on DearCupid .Hope to see you guys soon.-Sam Wilson
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reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (22 November 2017):
By all means take a break if you need to. Remember whenever you look at this site that there are many others who don’t use it. How do we know these aren’t a silent majority in largely happy, untroubled relationships? This site deals with problems and difficulties. Not every relationship that gets discussed on this site is in crisis. Dilemmas big and small are brought to this site.
You are young to be so serious with a girl, but take heart. You say that you’re getting paranoid but you’re just realising that people mess up and relationships can be hard work on both sides. In the end, it comes down to how much you love each other and whether you communicate well and respect each other enough to make it work and put the effort in. That’s a very individual thing. You should never generalise about relationships from this website, from what you see among your friends or what you hear from others. Your relationship is just that – yours.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, Garbo +, writes (22 November 2017):
 Well, I hear what you say because you read someone's post and think why can't they see how their original stupid action has snowballed into this. And it's hard to moralize on people these days but had they followed basic morals, human and sexual, none of it would have happened.
There is also another kind of burn out... redundancy.
Here are few...
- I am a mistress to a married man what do I do? Dump him
- My husband/wife cheated on me should I also? No
- I had a 3-some and my relationship has gone to hell. Why? No s*hit.
- I'm in an abusive relationship, what do I do? Run away
- I watch porn, masturbate but it's not getting up? Quit porn
- I'm in FWB & have feelings but he does not? Don't be in FWB
- I'm with a drunk & cant take it? If no rehab, run away
There are others but the point is that the romantic misery is just a repetition of the same travails, and we can go back in time as much as anyone wants. So sometimes having to repeat oneself, over and over, becomes a burn-out, although in the mind of the OP every word they read is important so we all have to measure carefully - do we answer or let it go?
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reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (22 November 2017):
Yes, nobody writes in just to say hello and tell us how well they are doing (unless its a follow-up, of course).
I do understand that one can get jaded after reading all of the problems we encounter. But there is really a bright side to all of this. I am and will be forever thankful for all the great advice offered by our fellow givers. When you have someone write in with a problem and then we get to read the sage advice given by others, providing a number of viewpoints, making excellent points you and I may have never have thought about, it educates us all and makes us better and more confident in handling our inevitable personal problems that come up. Also, when you and I give advice, it makes us give a lot more thought to the problem than we would if just reading what others have to say.
It is almost two years to the day that I first responded to a problem here on DQ. I was at home for a month, healing from shoulder surgery and posted just for fun. Little did I know that it would be something that I have greatly benefited from! I've become a better communicator. I act more readily to social situations because I am now better educated and have more confidence that I can do the right thing. I am single now but know that I will be a much better partner in my next relationship.
I've read advice columns in newspapers since childhood. But DQ presents a much better forum...one where numerous points of view are given. I don't know which Aunts or Uncles are educated in the healing arts - some certainly are - but ALL of those who post frequently have certainly proved that they have great wisdom and common sense. So, there is great benefit to being here. I sometimes feel like I should be paying tuition to DQ just for giving me the opportunity to join in here and benefit from you and the others. And, of course, we are helping those who have problems and come to us, seeking answers to their problems. A lot of people don't have others in their lives who can properly advise them...because of you and the other posters, this is a great place for them to turn.
In any case, reading about the craziness in some peoples' lives can be frustrating. Just this past week we had someone write a follow-up in which we said she still wants to get back with the nitwit all of us had just told her to get rid of. Sam, we'll miss your thoughts and perspectives. But do drop by and leave some of your pearls of wisdom for the rest of us to digest. And thanks for what you've done!
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 November 2017):
 Sam :)
Don't forget WHY you see all these posts here on DC. These posts are from people who struggle, you don't hear from the ones who are doing great. Like Cindy says.
Though if taking a step back is something you feel you need to do for YOUR sake, then do it.
Most of the people answering questions on here came to seek help, either got help and stayed to help others (which is a GREAT thing) and that (to me at least) shows that things aren't all black and white.
I DO think your generation (in general) have a "whatever" view of sex, relationships, morals, values and good and common sense. But that doesn't EVERY single person in that generation live by that. The extreme promiscuity - the "tindr lifestyle" where people swipe and screw whomever pops up to their liking. Doesn't mean the WHOLE generation thinks and act like that.
Just like in the 1960's, not ALL young folks were into "free love and free drugs".
If you feel being on DC isn't ADDING positive things to your life, then, by all means, put it behind you - for as long as you like or permanently.
However, remember this, Sam - YOU and your GF gets to set the rules for how you make your relationship work. For your personal values, morals, likes and dislikes.
There are no guarantees in life. But if you two have made it work and work WELL for 2 years you have BOTH probably found a good mate/partner/match in each other.
While cheating seems like a "trend" these days, it doesn't mean EVERYONE is doing it.
Take a break from DC, it's OK. Don't get jaded due to how OTHERS CHOOSES to live their lives. Learn what NOT to do :) Just go ENJOY your life and your GF.
Chin up, Sam.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 November 2017):
 Sam Wilson, yes, maybe you and your gf will end up breaking up or cheating on each other or losing interest. That's quite possible, you are both young ( and yours is a long distance relationship, isn't it ? )
On the other hand, you may very well end up happily married forever after. Like so many young couples before you.
And either way, it will have absolutely nothing, zero, zilch to do with whatever you read on Dear Cupid.
You are like a doctor who would stop believing in health ... because the huge majority of people he deals with, are sick persons. Well, duh : he is a doctor !
This is a site for relationship advice, and normally people do not need advice if everything is going great. They only need advice if there's a PROBLEM, to solve which they want suggestions.
What would you like to see on Dc, a post which says : " I am happily married. Our sex life rocks. We have no jealousy or trust issues, and we get along like a house on fire. We never argue about finances, or the distribution of housework, or how to raise our kids etc., because we see eye to eye on most things, and we can easily find a compromise on the very few things we differ about. " And so on and so forth. Now, why a person like this would write to Dear Cupid ? To ask what ?...
It's not that all couples fight or divorce or betray - there are around lots of healthy, happy, long lasting relationships. They just don't need to write to advice columns !
I don't find surprisisng , or concerning, that you suffer from DC burnout. That happens , and it happened to many esteemed contributors already ,along the years. They lose interest ( after all, after a while all the question are just indivudual variations of few main issues one has read about tons of times ). Or, they feel that they have contributed enough and shared enough of their experience, which is contained in all their previous posts, without the need to repeat themselves in new ones. Or , whatever other reason of theirs.
Yours , quite frankly, sounds a bit worrisome to me. Basically, you are getting off Dear Cupid because ... it makes you think bad thoughts about YOUR relationship ? ..
That's magical thinking ; it's like thinking that you'll get cancer because you are reading medical books about cancer. You must feel very fragile, very not in control of your emotions and of your relationship, and oblivious , or unaware, that you always have agency in your life, and in your loves- no matter what anybody, or everybody , else is doing around you.
Quit Dear Cupid if it makes you feel better; but in the meantime, work on reframing your mindset, and on preparing yourself to handle decently ,i.e. with dignity and lucidity, the ups-and-downs that may affect ANY of us , and the curve balls that life may throw out to ANY relationship,- regardless of advice columns.
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reader, N91 +, writes (22 November 2017):
 People don't need advice when things are going well, so of course this website is only going to hear of negative experiences in relationships.
If you are living your life with that kind of doubt in your relationship then why not stop driving because people die in car accidents? Stop eating food because people choke to death?
Come on man, if your GF has been good to you then why would you let stories that have absolutely nothing to do with you affect you? The whole thing about loving someone is you have to let go and put your trust in the other person. If they break your trust then they weren't the right person for you anyway. There's always going to be people going through crappy relationships and that's just life, but to let those stories affect your own is crazy.
I've been posting on this site and seen some really messed up stories over the year and it wouldn't ever make me doubt my own relationship because I trust my girlfriend completely until she gives me a reason not you. You should do the same.
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