A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am looking for advice. Before I get into it, I take full responsibility for my own actions, and do not shift any of the blame onto my partner. I am merely stating what got me to the point of my betrayal. Me and my (Ex) boyfriend have been together for 5 years. It was rocky because we were so young. We never really broke up, except for this time. Recently, I have noticed his distance. I could tell the difference between the him that loved me, and the him that didn't. This was the him that didn't believe he loved me. The distance grew more and more and more, and I started to feel lonely even though I spent every day with him. We just were not connecting emotionally. It was our fault, because we were just not doing things to satisfy each other, or else we wouldn't have gotten to this point.At one point, after him telling me he doesn't know how he feels, I just felt so doubtful about our relationship. I considered is this what I really want? I'm so young. I might just want something new, something more exciting.Thus leading me to one day, flirt with another man online.I did not give him my name, picture, it was not sexual, it was not explicit, I didn't take his number. I talked with this man for about 5 minutes, before feeling so horribly guilty that I just told him I had to go, deleted him, and actually forgot that I even talked to him. He meant nothing to me, and was the realization that I needed that was "What I want is what I already have."But low and behold, on me and my ex's last legs, he's doubting things, and he finds that chat log. The last straw, ya know? I called the guy "bibi", and was extremely flirtatious, laying it on pretty thick. But even then, honestly it wasn't that bad, just the fact that I completely betrayed my boyfriend when things got rough.I've tried to convey to him I just wanted attention and I was unsure of what I really wanted from our relationship. But the wound is so fresh, he's still so angry. Which is understandable. I just need some advice. Maybe things I could say that I just can't put into words myself to tell him to make him understand it was just a human-mistake of a moment of weakness. I respect his decision to not want to be with me, but that's just not what I want. I want him to know I never meant to hurt him, I was acting completely selfishly, and I do love him still.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 December 2017):
 Your week is over at your parents now how are you both getting on?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2017): OP Here again!You're all amazing. I wrote the letter and put a lot of thought into. I thought about not what would make me be forgiven if I said it, but what needed to be said. We've come to the point where we're not so awkward we can't even look each other in the eye or talk to one another, but we can have a conversation without fighting. We still agree we need space and I've decided to stay with my parents for a week so we can do some self-searching. We do live together, and even though we're fighting we understand our child is caught in the middle of all this. We will only do what is best for him, even if that means not being together. Continued feed back is so appreciated, and it is really helping me to hear things from people who aren't just family members wanting me to not cry.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 November 2017):
 OP, while I do think it's VERY good that you recognize your part in all this. I'm sure HE wasn't entirely without fault either. Usually, people don't cheat or chat up other people if the relationship is doing great.
You two have had issues leading up to this. Issues neither of you were ready to deal with or chose to ignore (hoping it would get better or fix itself).
So, give him some space. And give yourself some space too.
Have a think about WHAT you need and want from a partner. Set yourself a standard. For THEIR behavior (and your own) what is OK in a relationship and what are the no-nos. You said that YOU would forgive him ANYTHING - which might sound very forgiving but it can also be really destructive as it means you allow HIM to do whatever and you will just forgive. That isn't loving, OP. We ALL have limits to what we allow others to do to us. And we all have limits of what we would do to others. A good rule of thumb is: " Do unto others..."
Right now your priority os your son and yourself.
Yes, you hurt your partner's feelings and he may or may not be able to forgive you. You can't change what you did or how he feels. You HAVE to accept that.
Having a "meeh, so-so relationship" to stay together for a child rarely works out.
Chin up OP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2017): I posted to you before .. op you can’t convince him with words that you never meant to hurt him - as your actions did ..I think for your sons sake, you need to step back a little .. may I ask a question “ do you live together ? “ if so, I think you say something like “ John ( his name of course ) we really do need to talk without getting into a fight . You have every right to be angry with me but for the sake of our family and us .. can we discuss this together say Sunday and try for the next few days to be normal as we can “ I think writing things down is a great idea from honeypie; as it will give you a clearly idea of why you did what you did as well as raising his off and on behaviour ..His hurt behaviour may not be love it may be his ego - but it may give him the kick he needs to see that there are other options and other men who would take an interest ..Just be prepared that this may not work out .. while having the faith to try .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2017): OP here. I feel the advice I was given is really good. It seems that me doing this "made him realize he loved me because of he didn't he wouldn't be this hurt"
To me, my mind is boggled. How is it that I had to hurt you for you to realize your feelings? We have a son, and I find myself wanting to make things work for his sake, but every time we talk it just seems to get worse. I'll try writing him the letter, and I agree. I could forgive him for anything he does, because I love him. If he can't, then it's because I took something too far, or he just doesn't love me as much as he probably should for this to work.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 November 2017):
First of all, OP Good for you to accept that what you did wasn't OK and wanting to apologize.
Secondly, I think your BF was looking for a way out, just like you were. He just "happened" to find the chat log and that then became the "straw that broke the camel's back". But the thing is the relationship wasn't working for EITHER of you, yet NEITHER of you wanted to end it or fix it.
Learn from this. Not getting "enough" attention, affection and things not being great in the relationship is NOT a good excuse to chat up other people - even if it was "just" for fun or attention. It's just not OK. And it WILL hurt a partner to do it. So no more of that. Cheating never fixes shit. Neither does playing games with people online.
If the relationship isn't FULFILLING your needs you NEED to talk to your partner and either end it or fix it.
If you REALLY need to explain and apologize then write him a letter. DON'T do this to appease your own guilt or try and get back together, but because you accept responsibility and want to apologize. You can CARE for and LOVE someone and NOt be right for each other.
Take some time just being single and rediscover WHO you are and what kind of person you WANT to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2017): Listen sweetie; relationships sometimes hit a rough patch where things become a little in the rut for some . But here is my honest take .. even when they are you should never have someone questioning whether they actually love you ?! If their feeling are so fickle then why be with them . I’ve been with my hubby for 25 years since I was nearly 16teen and we get along really well but sometimes I can see him far enough, he likes to wind me up . But never ever do I question whether I love him .. or I become two different people . As for what you did; sometimes if your neglected and feeling unloved, some people do silly things for attention - get their partner jealous - I think however you would have been best saying “ look, either you love me or you don’t . If you don’t know what you’ll lose then that’s fine by me . But I will not put up with this tick tocking behaviour .” And gave him 24 hours to tell you or you’d make the decision for him . And walk . Don’t give anyone that kinda power over you .. even if they have it .. don’t show it .
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