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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I don't want to be polemic here, but I'm really shocked and angry with the double standard. You see, my boyfriend suffers with retroactive jealousy, even though I wasn't a slut (I was a virgin when we met, granted, I was just 17 so it was normal for me to be a virgin, but I had given a blowjob to a friend and made out with older guys I had just met).I've been reading many questions from guys who suffer with this, just to try and understand my boyfriend. And it sickens me that a lot of the answers are from guys who also suffer with RJ, but they themselves have been male sluts! They have slept with and used many women, yet they get angry that their girlfriends or wives have slept with many men?Why? Why is it so OK for men to have such a wild sexuality, having one night stands, having threesomes, etc., yet women are tainted goods if they have? What is with the double standard? Why can guys be promiscuous but somehow women "lose value" if they are? That is honestly fucked up!My boyfriend, yes, he has a double standard too. True, he didn't get a BJ from a friend with benefits. But he got BJs from his ex girlfriend, he also had sex with her. He got a hand job from a former friend with benefits, and he made out with a lot more girls than the guys that I made out with. I must have made out with like 4 other guys. He made out with like 8 other girls.Yet I am the slut, I am the "bad guy", I am the one who ruined the relationship. And I'm sure that other guys who suffer with RJ would agree with my BF, not me. I love him, why is that not enough? I gave him my virginity, how ironic is all this? How insecure can he really get? I've been with him for 3 years, no signs that I'll cheat, so why is he still jealous? And what's with the double standard?I just don't understand retroactive jealousy. Seriously, it's so stupid. How does it work, why do guys react like that, etc? But most importantly, other than reassuring him endlessly and letting him vent, how else can I help him get over it? I need insight, I don't want to leave him, because I know that deep down he's a good guy. Thanks.
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male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 let me write some final and real thing...
As a mankind, we are not perfect is true but we are on the way of perfection.
Our emotion and feeling are not fundamental primary.It is changeable with growth of knowledge and maturity. Yet, the vision about human sexuality is also not entirely philosophic but more 'religious', which confuse and contradict our emotional system. Our emotional system depend upon knowledge and maturity.
there is nothing wrong in saying that by the time, every one will achieve maturity...with little or more difference.
The best way is to have first the 'cognition' and later, communication.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): quiet echo its me again.
As I understand it, you are saying you don't think men have more of a biological basis for RJ. So what your are basically saying is that men care more on average because men are either weaker-minded or brainwashed by the culture.
Sorry but I reject this wholeheartedly.
I resent your assertion that the male gender is just being weak and selfish about this. (Imagine the crowd's reaction if I made such a charge against women on any subject whatsoever.)
The fact that men cheat so much does not make cheating more valid for them. Maybe some people try to hide behind the "biological imperative" excuse but I dont and neither do lots of other men. Men also tend to murder and rape people more than women but I don't think it makes those things more acceptable for men either. I UNDERSTAND the tendencies towards violence that men have compared to women but I certainly do not think men should be punished any less severely for it.
What I am trying to say is that admitting men have a biological basis for strong RJ feelings more than women does not automatically force you to adopt any double standards on how RJ is dealt with.
I think women are indeed less prone to RJ feelings that men. But that does not mean any individual woman can't be hurting over it just as much as any individual man. It is the same reason I can think women are less prone to violence than men, and yet I can still believe there are some extremely violent women out there.
I am saying I think the FREQUENCY/SEVERITY of RJ is much stronger in men ON AVERAGE. And I think that is totally biological.
You have said that "not all sex is for procreation" but all sex still carried 100% of the risks and possibilities of it until very recently. (And it still carries much of the STD risk even after birth control is invented.)
If the biological effects of sexual programming were optional, this suggests we could probably also stop caring about physicaly attraction most of the time too. That obviously does not happen. Millions of men and women spend their teens with no desire to reproduce. They still want attractiveness, wealth, high social status, fertile age, etc.
The obvious genetic sexual preferences just don't have on/off switches. I don't see any reason to think that something like RJ is going to be switching on and off either.
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A
male
reader, truelover +, writes (8 December 2009):
 While a lot of people might use scientific theories & studies to make us believe that we have little control over our behavior, this is NOT true at all. I see even less reason in comparing behavior amongst other species to us!! Sexual behavior in any species is amongst the most complex functions & there is no need to generalize & attribute a pattern from other animals to us!
Saying that some1 has cheated because they r intrinsically incapable of monogamy becoz of thr biological make-up is a weak cop out! Equally weak is suggesting that monogamy (or jealousy) is unnatural becoz very few if at all any species have any kind of monogamy (let alone lifelong monogamy). Well, no other species wears clothing, farms & eats processed food. Should we do away with all of these too ?!
Humans are so different from other species! We r the only species with opposable thumbs, a highly developed cognitive brain, complex socio-economic systems & also the only ones communicating through these online forums!
So every person can choose & has the power/responsibility to live that choice. What one should look at is essentially what comes naturally to him/her (looking @ trends in nature / other species serves only as an indicator for this). If ppl commit to be monogamous, they should be. Otherwise, it's best to acknowledge that non-monogamous relationships r better suited (either way, it's an individual life choice... no option is better or more 'natural' becoz u have to do what u really like/want)
Jealousy, (while in most cases is a sign of immaturity) stems from possessiveness. It's not always bad, aren't u all possessive of ur prized relationships (with your parents, your siblings or ur children). Don't u want them to be exclusive to u ? (As in, would u be ok, if ur child were to suddenly say, that s/he loved everyone equally & considered them as parents ?) That is the same strain of possessiveness in romantic relationships too (u want to be the only special one... mind u not every1 feels like this ... some are willing to share). Insecurity in this area leads to jealousy. How you deal with it is a diff. matter.
Imagining some1 else with your partner is a big turn-off for me (& many others of both genders). Though the choice to imagine it is still mine, it becomes difficult to stop thinking abt it when u *know* that it has happened (hence u have "RJ").
But double standards r certainly unfair & in ur case, u need to remind ur bf that u r an equal partner & that since he has had several previous sexual relationships, he has no right to expect u to be completely inexperienced & even if he was completely inexperienced, he should have conveyed his expectations in this regard to u when he started dating u (although not a lot of women esp. in the USA would have met his exacting criteria). Getting so upset after 3 years with you is unacceptable & u should tell him to control himself better (he can choose to stop thinking abt it/mentioning it) & get over it & do NOT let him use this to make u feel lesser in any way. He is very mistaken if he doesn't realize what a wonderful gf u've been & how nice u r to have tolerated his biased behavior for so long.
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A
male
reader, duce00  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Many very good points here. Quiet Echo laid out an excellent biological basis for the male female imbalance in sexual conduct.
I frankly do not see the reality in where he comes off as RJ here. Your conduct is not any where near the kind of thing that I feel warrants any feeling of discomfort from a male perspective. Quite the contrary actually.
As a man I feel that there is a definite biological trigger around faithfulness in women. I do not believe that it is always accurate or functional behavior though (having experienced it myself). What I think we need to recognize is when our natural instincts exceed they're usefulness. A woman's instincts can be destructive in the same way that a mans can be if we are fully honest here. We need to recognize that we are not living in caves and scraping out an existence from the frozen tundra anymore. Our instincts can be very useful up to a point but we are in a completely different stage of evolution in terms of our sociological and sexual demands these days. The simple fact is that many of our problems arise from instincts that are not critical to our existence any more.
To be a little more blunt in advising you I would say that a good educated and informed conversation with your BF about these issues would help the most. He needs to understand that your past is just that, the past. If he is too myopic to understand this concept then you are dealing with an all together different kind of incompatibility.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Quiet echo you make some good points. I agree with you about women being every bit as sexually driven & non-mongamous as men in their own ways.
But I think you are wrong about saying men's RJ tendencies are not biological or just a recent thing.
The part of the story I think you've missed is that most men have a much different standard about a woman they are screwing for sport versus a wife they want to settle down with and support for decades. Even the most RJ prone men usually do not show very strong RJ feelings when they are just sport-screwing women they don't intend to raise a family with.
It's usually only when a man starts feeling like his present woman might be a LONG TERM partner than these issues rear their ugly heads. It's because he intends to put real effort into supporting and raising this woman's children, unlike the girls he was indifferently messing with in his teens. Now being assured of paternity actually matters a whole lot more to a man. He's no longer just shooting DNA at every woman in the tribe to see what sticks. Now he suddenly stands to lose decades of his life's effort if his lover has been messing around on the side.
Even when women feel RJ the reasoning makes sense to a lesser extent. Competition is competition, and if he is fathering other kids then there is ALWAYS the prospect of him diverting attention & effort & resources away from the primary family onto the children of his side flings.
RJ is based on some very biological urges. There is no point in trying to blame people for these feelings. No matter how much trouble they cause they are natural like everything else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): A key that opens many locks is a good key, A lock that accepts many keys is shitty lock.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 Most men suffering from RJ have it because they don't have much sexual experience, or have less than their partner. Not all, but most.
The double standard exists for the same reasons that RJ exist: biological ones. Namely that, whilst women always know they are the mother, men can never be sure they are the father. For this reason, men naturally are wary of 'other men' who have been with their partner, and are wary of promiscuous behaviour in general. These are both potential indicators of unfaithfulness, (potential, not certain!), and hence risks to a man bringing up another man's child unknowingly.
Remember that these emotions evolved over millions of years, and before we invented contraception. So, although a woman can now have sex with many partners and have minimal risk of pregnancy, our subconscious doesn't take this into account. As a result, every former partner is felt to be 'potential father material', and hence is a threat.
For these reasons the double standard is natural and ingrained. It's not going to go away.
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A
female
reader, halu  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 i've noticed this too. guys are always boasting about how they've slept with someone or they've done this ect. but if a girl even hints that she's had sex.. then she's a whore and a slut, nevermind the fact a guy has slept with 3-4 people. the double standards towards sex are just rediculous. but anyway to answer your question i think he's being extremely immature but why not try and point out the fact that you've been together for 3 years and you love him dearly more to the point you gave him something you can never get back. i don't know if this will help but if it does let me know :)
halu xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): RJ is not a line of reasoning, it's an emotion. You cannot turn off strong emotions with any amount of reasoning.
Look at it this way: If you are breaking up with someone who treats you badly, why would you feel sad over it? It's not logical to feel so bad over it! Feeling bad and wanting to go back to that harmful person serves no purpose! Whassa matter, do you just LIKE feeling so bad? I guess so, otherwise you would grow up and stop this stupidity.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 December 2009):
 Your boyfriend is immature and silly.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (4 December 2009):
 I'm a male, and I've only gone to third base (I'm 25 now) and I've only kissed two girls in my life (both inside of serious relationship. My casual dates did not get kisses).
My first girlfriend had been sexual before meeting me. I didn't care, I loved her anyway. My more recent girlfriend, who I nearly married, had over a dozen boyfriends and three girlfriends before me, had kissed most of them, and had given oral sex before me, and I didn't care about her greater experience because I loved her. Now I am looking for a girl again, but expect a girl in her 20's to have had sex with at least one man before me, even though I'm still a virgin, but I don't care as long as she loves me and I love her.
If my girl doesn't CHEAT on me, then her past is her business. I never even heard exactly how many men my last girl was with. It didn't matter.
That said, some men DO have problems with RJ and no, I don't know what to do to change that about him except to say that not all men are like that. He could just be extremely insecure, or feel that you're better than he deserves and fears you'll see it too some day. It's even possible he feels bad about his own past and is just projecting that onto you... but if he doesn't want to get over it, really try to move past the jealousy, you cannot force him to change.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (3 December 2009):
 I think it is a question of maturity.
The men who want to know chapter and verse about their girlfriends pasts are usually young and inexperienced in life and the ways of the world. They tend to worry more about what their friends might think or say about a girl, than the character or attitude of the girl herself.
In my opinion, a girls past is exactly what makes her the person she is now. If a guy likes her, and is prepared to go out with her, then he is happy with her as she is right now. He has no right to judge her behaviour at a time when he didn't even know her.
Thats a little stange and creepy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): I dont get it either, so Im with the Original Poster on this one. It's stupid. If a guy can't take me for who I am, clearly Im not the one for him, and he isn't a guy for me.
Sorry you only found out after 3 years. But I dont think he'll ever accept you as you are, and he's suffering bad with jealousy since you were actually a VIRGIN when you met. He needs Virgin Mary to please him, nothing else will do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): Um, if you've been reassuring him for 3 years and he's still on your case, I'd dump him and go find a real man. How much more time are you going to waste looking for the 'good guy' you claim is deep inside? If he really loved and cared about you, he DEFINITELY wouldn't be tormenting you about this all the time. And if he actually called you a slut, that should have been game over right there.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 December 2009):
I'm a male, and we don't all act like that. I don't care at all what my girlfriend was up to before she met me. I don't want to know, and it's none of my business. There are some guys who feel this way, usually because of their upbringing, or something that has hurt them in the past. They're usually the ones you need to run from. Who really cares what small minded men think anyway? If he's jealous, and won't sort it, dump him. 'Deep down he's a good guy' is subtext for 'I really want him to change', which he won't. So now you can either face the fact he wont' change and get rid of him and find a guy who will respect you and not be bothered about your past, or you can waste time trying to reassure this guy over and over again. Don't waste time on someone who will only hurt you.
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