A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My friends and me were goofing around one day near some trees in a backyard. We noticed a hole in a bend of the tree trunk and joked how it looked like a butt hole.My friend put his finger in the hole and said it felt gooey. We all did and it felt really slimy and bumpy. I had an idea and later that day I returned to the tree after dark and put my thing inside the hole. It felt cold, and wet, but great. I moved it in and out of the tree until I finished. I have been doing it every day since about a month now. Somtimes twice a day. I cannot seem to stop. evry day after I finish I swear it is the last time, but then its all I think about. Am I sick? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 June 2016):
 A big thank you to Myau for locating this funny post with 60 answers.
Good detective work by Myau to find this and post about it in the public forum.
Why are Christmas trees better than other trees?
thanks to ebaumsworld and bombsdavid for the following
Why a Christmas tree is better than Woman:
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
Why a Christmas tree is better than a man?
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
10.
And just so other trees don’t get jealous
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): lol thanks for the laugh !!. the jokes on this thread are hilarious !!. this is one of the most bizarre threads i have ever read !!
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female
reader, texas_gal +, writes (10 February 2010):
So, okay. It's been 5 days and you've gotten 76 answers. Obviously there are a lot of people who care about you, even if some of us are having a bit of fun. Why don't you let us know how you are doing? And, by the way, how's the tree?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Yes q??
Kat why dont you just admit how much I turn you on lol. I mean even your avatar is white now.
Maxine my big fella will only fall of if my partner gets pregnant with triplets, because ill cut it off and burn it.
Sorry to branch out like that, I promise tomorrow ill turn over a new leaf
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 Sorry, I'm British... I looked in the dictionary, but I don't understand.. What's an Ingwe, Is it painful, will his penis drop off?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): I just read your retort. So no more jokes ok.
This is what is going to happen: your going to be out there, your going to think your alone and so you will start, but your not alone, someone will either be there, or just be passing by. They will see you and watch you, if your lucky they wont know you....but if your not...... Either way it will be spread everywhere and everyone and I mean everyone will be talking about it. If you are recoginsed then your school life will be hell and everywhere you'll be treaded as a pervert.
I was a young guy once too, and I was curous about sex as well. But I waited until I met someoone and had real sex with a real women. And im glad i did.
I know at your age girls are a bit scary to talk to and they all can be very cruel to any boy who just wanted to say hi (snif im over it i promise).
But it is time for you to stop this, meet a girl and have a normal relationship
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Hey Vintage it was "American Pie". A pretty crappy teen flick, a genre that appeals to simple adolescent minds.
I say if it feels good and you aren't hurting anyone, what is the big deal?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): "I thought you may be open minded since I am not doing it to a warm apple pie."
Does anyone remember the name of the film with the guy doing it to a apple pie?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2010):
 The thing is, your semen is comprised of stuff that will be attractive to insects and flies and other critters. I remember Georgia having some really big beetles called palmetto bugs. So eventually, at twice a day, that tree will have enough gunk in that orifice to attract things that grow maggots. That oughta be a nice squishy substrate for you. Enjoy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Remind me not to ever have dessert at your house.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): you have an issue or prejudice against warm apple pies? mal
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (9 February 2010):
 Let me ask you a question...
Can you see into the hole? Do you know what is inside?
In my experience, trees, and holes in trees are usually populated by all sorts of bugs, creepy crawlies and general nasty things.
You have no idea what you are sticking your unprotected penis into.
What happens if you get bitten, stung, or worse, some little microscopic bug crawls up inside your penis?
There are tiny fish that live in the rivers of the amazon that can swim up urine streams and get wedged in the penis. How would you react if say, an ant or something decided to climb into yours?
What about splinters... one thrust too many, owweee. How do you explain that to a doctor? they would have to operate on you for that. if the splinter pierced the blood vessels in your penis, you may be unable to become erect. Thats the end of your sex life!
Ticks are another possible problem..Blood sucking, disease carrying bugs. Urgh!
What about bacteria? Rotting trees and vegetation often have mould and all sorts growing in it. If that gets into your body and bloodstream, you could make yourself very very ill.
These are not STD's in the normal sense, but you can get some horrible conditions from working in the outdoors and ingesting bacteria. I do fieldwork a lot, and there are certain vaccinations you HAVE to get. Tetanus being one of them. Just in case.
How would you explain to a future partner, that you cannot have sex with them, because when you were a kid, you had sex with a tree and got bitten/stung/contracted something from the tree which made you impotent?
Just thinking. You have a whole life to have sex in.... you are risking all that for a tree?!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2010):
You said you 'cannot seem to stop'. Are we reaching obsessional status with this tree? Is it this particular tree? Or is it that you have discovered the joys of masturbation?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): Okay, so I get that you all find this funny. I think most of you said I should stop. But who am I harming here? The tree? No. I thought you may be open minded since I am not doing it to a warm apple pie.
I am pretty sure no one can see this tree. The tree is located in woods behind my friend's home so you would have to know where to walk to see me. weather? Yeah it is cool sometimes, but I live in Georgia so not really cold. If my other friends were doing the same thing, dont you think I would have seen them by now? No.. I am alone.
I'm not so sure about this advice. It seems like you all want me to stop because I might get caught. not likely. Or I might get a STD. not likely either. if you saw this tree and knew what it feels like you wouldn't stop either. I did see one person wrote in about other tree huggers like me. Maybe im not so weird?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 February 2010):
 I meant I'll see you when you get this out of your system and you're done blowing in the wind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): aww, im sorry for being such a switch...come back eyes....l'll be nice. you know my bark is much worse than my bite.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 February 2010):
Ok kiddo see you on the other side
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): woodnt you like to know? dont be a birch eyes, leaf me alone...im on a roll here roflmbo :) mal
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 February 2010):
Okay who's been pouring the caffeine down ML's throat today????
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): I don't think he can see the wood for the trees.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): if you miss a day do you pine for her. is she some one you can talk over your elements with? is it very fir out there to where she is? is she a peach? the apple of your eye? did you take her cherry? are you a matched pear?if you miss a day does she become a weeping willow? or is she oak-kay. do you worry that some day she will leaf you? i know now that you are nuts about and that you say you will love her as long as olive...but you need to reconcedar. you need to make a deciduous ions...take a long look at the future. you will not have it make in the shade. there will be times you feel like giving her a kick in the ash for being such a birch. well good luck pal, i advise you to just leaf her now but the choice is yours, my best mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): I feel we arnt getting to the "root" of the issue here
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female
reader, Mee!3 +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Haha im srry man but looks like u turned a hippey from bein a tree hugger to a tree f**ker hahaha also man i feel srry for tha tree do u give it any pleasure ur rapping a tree man haha stop realy a wood pecker could come and peck ur wood haha
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Rofl - your ruining MY sex life now! I was just being naughty with my man and nearly bit him where I shouldn;t coz this thread suddenly 'sprouted' to mind and I cracked up laughing, ... think it was the whole 'stump' in my mouth thing lol. Tis true despite the pun's ..lol
Oh dear, I have to get a more intersting life ..lol
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
OP, holes in walls are also not suitable for sexual activity. Your family will notice and it will be difficult to explain.
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female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (7 February 2010):
Turning over a new leaf may not be so easy, .. it depends on your roots :-)
Sorry OP that we are 'sapping' ya here, but hey at least you don't have to face any of us on a daily basis. Take heed tho, and imagine what it might be like if you actually got caught in the act by people you know and go to school with.
They would never 'leaf' you alone about it, ..and no matter how much you tried to plead your case you would be 'barking up the wrong tree'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): Everyone is being so hard on him. Poor young man, to be honest all us guys have thought about drilling a hole in our bedroom walls. But what about this tree in question hmmmm. I mean just standing around someones backyard, completely naked!What else could a pure, innocent young man think.Tree stop being so easy, he will just leave you for another shrub or bush
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female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (7 February 2010):
Ahhh, so is that why they call it 'having a woody?' :-)
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female
reader, Nina :) +, writes (7 February 2010):
 hi, Nina well i don't think its that disgusting, just experience really..hehe. mm but you should stop though.
It would be hard if you keep doing it. I don't know much
but its better to tell someone close to you or try to do something to keep yourself busy..
anyways tc bye.. nina
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): Does that mean he has to come out of the woodshed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): one question...the hole looked like a butt hole? And that attracted you...im curious why you didnt say it looked like a vagina.
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female
reader, puffyfluffy  +, writes (7 February 2010):
you are just wierd and just a curious person..the tree is dirty..i think thats disgusting and wierd and just stop doing that or going to that tree. are you attracted to the tree or just because it feels good.
look wenever you want to have sex with the tree just call a gurl up.
a tree? wow.. people these days.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
Yes, shame and embarrassment, and probable arrest is the reason why this is not safe sexual practice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): It's all a matter of perspective. Now, first of all, I'm not defending sex with a tree, nor do I have even the slightest desire to do so.
We had a question on pearl necklaces here once. Some people thought it was absolutely disgusting, while others said that they love it.
We had a question on giving a women oral during the "wrong time of the month". One compared it to pedophilia or beastality, while others thought nothing of it and couldn't see the problem.
There have been similar questions with opposite opinions on cheating, flirtations and just about everything. As they say, "Whatever floats your boat." Now we are all in agreement of this situation. It can get you arrested, ridiculed and get penile damage, maybe even permanent physical damage. As most people find oral sex normal, there are those who think it should be a criminal offense. It is just a matter of what proportion of people think something is unnatural or disgusting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): He was 'simulating a sex act on a tree in a popular park'...we can but speculate...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): if this is a true post and i really really doubt it...you should see a doctor. Preferably a therapist that deals with sexual issues. so there is my serious advice. Stop and see a doctor.
Sexual pleasures and gratification derived from unusual sources are commonly referred to as Philias.
Sexual pleasure from a tree is sometimes called arborphilia. it is considered to be illegal.
i googled this topic and found it to be very interesting. sick but interesting.
A UK man was arrested on public indecency charges after police say he tried to have sex with a tree.
According to reports, 21-year-old W****** S*** was allegedly seen with his pants down and naked while simulating a sex act on a tree in a popular park. Onlookers were able to see his exposed body.
Shaw was released on bail and banned from the park. He’s due to stand trial next month.
listen honey i dont know where in the US you live but its too blasted cold in my neck of the 'woods' for this. i dont for a minute believe you are sneaking out at night in the snow and rain, standing there with your willy exposed in 20 degree weather feeling exstacy... at this point you are claiming to have deposited 60 or so loads into this tree? uggghh!!! mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): I thought my hand was going to fall off Miamine. Why would I think that my little buddy was going to fall off if I got stung in the hand?
However, we can still have that birds and bees in the trees talk of you like. ;)
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 February 2010):
This is definitely in the manual, miamine and it is a memorable entry!
Poster, you see the issue with what you've written. You are going to get no end of grief when you get found out, and believe me, someone is going to spot this. It may wind up as a video on the internet, and you will NEVER live it down.
You have to admit, we have some very creative aunts and uncles here... pussy willow? treesome? omg, I am hurting myself from laughing here. *wiping eyes* ah, well, thank you for the interesting question. Now stop doing that.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2010):
"I got stung in the hand last year and I thought it was going to fall off."
It!!!! Falling off!!!!! Troubletoomuch, me and you need to have that bees, birds, and trees talk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): miamine did you mention watermelon? if its a maple tree...the question of spit or swallow would be much easier...can you imagine the headlines if he were to get caught?if the tree is holding ssssquirrels and birds..does that make it an orgy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): Yes, your hand should be all that you need. Some of the things that Miamine mentioned could be harmful. You really need to stop this for both your reputation if you get caught and your safety. If a yellow jacket decides that it is a good place to start a nest, you won't ever go near another tree for the rest of your life. I got stung in the hand last year and I thought it was going to fall off.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2010):
Time to get serious aunts and uncles...
Tisha, new sexual activity found, don't forget to put it in the manual, must say it sounds a lot less painful than the nasal thing, but we mustn't give the boy ideas.
Dear caller, your at the right age to start exploring your body. Your hand and your penis is all you need. At the moment it is not advisable to get anyone else involved. Neither, human, animal, tree, washing machine, hoover, toilet roll,...(I could be here all night)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): reating a tree porn site, we will call it naughtyshrubs.com, no wait dirtytrees.com. We will need pics and videos of you unique relationship though.BTW Q that sounds like german porn to me so the dog has to be a german shepperd
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): pussy willow?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): Really? A tree hole? Dude, come on go get a fleshlight.
You have no idea what is in side that tree hole. At least if you use a fleshlight you will take the mys-tree out of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): branching off??? Is that the new term for it??
The art of treeloving is new to me, ill wait for the new porn sites to go up and see what it does for me.
btw what if he wants to get a few shrubs involved and maybe a potplant!!??
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): Would it be a good assumption to think that the tree is an aspen? I hope that it is nearby, as long distance relationships are difficult.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): OK, im going to be straight with you.This is the kinda thing that you will get caught doing, its also the thing that everyone will remember about you. Its also the thing everyone will call you from now on.Its also the thing that you will hear about in 50 years time. And finally its the thing that the girl your hoping will take pity on you will hear about at just that moment.Stop it now, just let the tree down gently, explain how you are just from diferent worlds. I mean it just cannot last, what if that land is develpoed, then your a widower.Btw you mentioned that the hole looks like a butt, does that mean you think the tree is male?? Time for a lenghty chat to the parents about your new identity
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female
reader, texas_gal +, writes (6 February 2010):
I think you are taking a huge risk for a small, momentary plesure, one that can be satisfied in much safer and healthier ways. You are young and inexperienced. Why not wait until you are emotionally ready for sex and somewhat knowledgeable about it as well? You obviously have no idea of the health risks you are taking--splinters, bug bites, fungal infetions, toxic chemicals. Do you want to risk maybe permanent damage, scarring, dysfunction to your thing? To say nothing of possible arrest and being labeled a sexual predator. And what about your parents? Would you want to disappointment them in this way?
Moo's Mom has the right idea. Good luck
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 February 2010):
It was a mistreemeanor, not a felmony.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): capital idea DID.we could make money off of this...i am a little concerned though, i bet he didnt tell us her age on purpose. im guessing she's much older than he is and he is a minor...this could be a serious ah fence. America the home of the tree and the land of the depraved. and definitely wear a condom...you know spring is coming and the sap begins to flow. we dont need any seedlings sprouting up for you to have to support. i bet that tree is a mean ole switch...and such a slut. lets any ole guy walking by take her right there on the lawn...sheesh. and for the record...i for one will never look at a watermelon in the same way again....i think i feel ....what is that again eyes how do you say that mouth thing ?????? tisha....please tell me thats not what you......no way?!?! mal
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male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (6 February 2010):
 Could you email me where I might find this tree? I think we should probably build a lodge around it, and schedule appointments, we could charge $15 a session! and dude, your asking a bunch of people if theres something wrong with you fucking a tree??? I think theres something wrong with you asking people if theres something wrong! dude if your fucking a tree, its pretty irrelevant what anyone thinks about it! maybe if your happy, and the tree really makes you feel desired, then that's all that really should matter right? not what we think about it!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2010): this is just kind of disquesting....ive heard jokes about this kind of thing...i think you should stop...if you really are doing this.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 February 2010):
If you can't stop, well, yeah, you might be sick.
What's in charge of your life, your brain, or your penis? Think about it. If you answer wrong, you might be sentenced to answering questions here at DearCupid for the next five to ten years.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 February 2010):
You should stop this now, as you have no idea what is in that hole! For all you know, you were not the only one to have had that idea... I mean what is that "gooey" substance in the tree?
One other thing, how are you going to explain to the Doctor when you get a splinter in your willy? That is going to be VERY painful in more ways than one!!!!
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 February 2010):
 Don't go back to the tree. If you get caught you will be arrested for indecent exposure, and might be put on the sexual predator list. That could give you hassle when you plan to travel internationally. You might get bitten by a bug, get splinters. Not worth it for a short moment of pleasure.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (5 February 2010):
 You're not sick mate, just horney! MissKin is right, your hands, some porn mags and a tube of KY Jelly in the privacy of your bedroom would do the trick. No fear of being publicly disgraced doing it that way. Make sure you lock your door.
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female
reader, carebare +, writes (5 February 2010):
Why would you put your penis in some undetermined gooey substance in a tree?... Everything else aside, that can't be safe...
Buy a fleshlight or something...
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (5 February 2010):
Yeah you should stop because if someone catches you, you can be arrested. Take it from the guy that got caught having sex with the picnic table...yes the picnic table. You know the kind with the hole in the middle where the umbrella goes??? Hopefully I didn't just give you a new idea.
Also...I'd be careful about that, besides splinters...who knows who else's ooey gooey stuff is in there??? Also ummm, you're screwing a tree...it is a little weird.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 February 2010):
Ahhhh the hole tree!
OP- You're not being squirrelly just nuts for risking your reputation and being branded a sappy tree-hugger. That kind of thing will stick you my man. Knock it off.
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female
reader, MissKin +, writes (5 February 2010):
 I think you should stop and find a different way to masturbate. It's not exactly right and it's kind of creepy (sorry but it is) so maybe try out some alternative methods and just stop completely. x
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