A
female
age
51-59,
*hann1
writes:I have been married for 5 years. Husband is from a different counrty and speaks excellent english. We have had a great relationship I thought. I have been back and forth from the US to his country and last year when i returned to his country, I found a condom in his wallet and he said that he did not know it was there as his friend gave him the wallet. Of course, me being jealous and have a hard time believing men period(as I have been through enough of being a victim of someone cheating before). I did not know what to really believe. So I let that go thinking ok, maybe that was the case (naive. Then months later I found that he text some girl a few times saying he loved her. There were a few messages to the same person. He said that that phone was given to him from his brother and those messages could have been there. Then trying to be optimistic, I let that go. Then I find pictures of some girl posing by his car. He was not in the pic together with her but I could see him in the background. I have gone through his phone and he has over 1000 sms messages sent and rec'd but of course he has a code on this so I can not see those messages. Tell me am I really dumb and trying to fool myself?? Is he really cheating? I really love my husband but I can not go on with my life not trusting as every time he leaves to even go to work, I do not believe. He comes and goes as his job has no schedule. Please give me some advice. I think I have closed my eyes enough and I am not getting younger. Need real true advice, Please!
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condom, jealous, period, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): ask him who the friend is who gave him the wallet and give them a call. call his brother about the phone. call the woman he is texting...i bet she doesnt know he is married. call in all of the chips. ask him for the code.
in my opinion you have been trusting for too long already. i think by your post you feel strongly that he is cheating. there is something there that instinctively you trust. i would not have hesitated. if i had found condoms in my hubbys luggage i would have questioned. i think i would have believed him. if you dont then you need to find facts. the second time i found something...i would have had serious doubts. i would have asked the brother....and the third time would have been as we say in the states, three strikes and youre out. regardless of whether he did or didnt i dont think you will ever trust him again. you will think hes with someone every time his whereabouts are unaccounted for. good luck sweetheart, mal
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Its one thing to love and trust your mate, but its another thing to close your eyes and pretend you don't see....the signs are there, and as the expression goes "When there is smoke, there is fire". I'd say its highly likely he's cheating. I agree with the others, if he won't show you the text messages on the phone, then something is up. If he has nothing to hide then he won't mind, right? I'm sorry luv..but I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that something is up, and its not good. I'm so sorry.
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A
male
reader, called Steve  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 He may not be cheating however, he is doing something that makes you believe or doubt he is so therefore you need to nip this in the bud and ask him outright to open up the phone and let you look.
Trouble with this is - once you cross the line of mis-trust and accusing him whether he is, or was cheating on you is irrelevant. You have doubted him and that trust is lost...
The problem is with jealousy and mis-trust is that even when he is doing right, you think he's doing wrong. I had a wife like this she didn't trust me or allow me to do anything! Given time it totally destroyed our marriage but all the while it was a depressing and stressful relationship. To be honest and with hindsight I wish I had have had an affair at the time, for I was being accused of it. I never so much as looked at another woman.
Be careful and tread very lightly, but I do have to say that the signs are all there.
Steve x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010):
Hi
I cant believe as soon as I opened this column I came across your question as it seems to answer what I was going to ask. Been with my boyfriend 5 years, living with me 1 year. Travels with his job. 2nd year found very explicit texts to some lady but when I tried to phone the number was not available. Gave me benefit of doubt as he said he didn't meet her. 3rd Year after a trip abroad found dozens of condoms in his case. Said they were from when we started dating. Gave him benefit of doubt. He took my computer by mistake recently when he was abroad and only by chance when I was looking for something on the history I found about a dozen sites like 'fuck buddies london', where to find women no stings, etc london, and my heart sank as I thought, no not again. He told me he was bored in his hotel room when he was in Cairo so he couldn't have got up to anything but there have been occasions int he past when he is working in London that he has come home very late saying that they went onto a club but now I feel that he is getting up to no good as he would never discuss the night out or any names of friends. And I was thinking I had some sort of future with this guy but I am now feeling very empty and my gut feeling is that he is up to no good. He is off travelling again today so now I wonder what will be happening abroad. I am also not getting any younger either but have to make a decision before he comes back whether to have his bags packed or not. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
 OK.. evidence needed... ask him to unlock that phone.
Ps: It's not good for you two to live so far away from each otherr, a man could get lonely.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (17 February 2010):
M'lady. You are his wife. He, your husband. You share property, money, life, love, and portions of your identity.
Married people should have no secrets from one another. None.
When anyone who knows me asks me if I can keep a secret, they know already that my wife is not on the exclusionary list.
If someone who doesn't know me well enough to know that begins to confide in me, I wanr them of that ahead of time.
Take his phone, then offer him a choice. Give me the code to unlock your SMS messages, so I ca read them at will, or hit the road.
you will find all the evidence you need in there. You have some serious decisions ahead of you, and I do not envy you the pain you are about to excperience. Please know that you are not alone.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 You found some circumstantial evidences which is not concrete enough to say with certainty that he had an affair.
Based on those circumstantial evidences ,you condemned a man to hang for a crime which he maybe innocent off.
This is like mob justice and you could be hanging an innocent man.
The only way you can ascertain for sure that he has committed an affair is to hire a PI and get the concrete evidence of his affair.
If you cannot hire a PI ,then you will have to give him the benefits of doubt.
Sometimes , what you see is not what you get and sometimes events can be blown out of proportions.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
They are not in the same time frame, but they've all happened in the last year.. look at what you wrote. Your gut knows what is real and what is make believe.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 February 2010):
I'm sorry, even with all this I am still sure that he's cheating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Believe your gut feeling.
I tell you, I experienced just 1/3 of the situations you've mentioned and it was TRUE. I found out my ex was cheating on me..
You are not fooling yourself at all.
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A
female
reader, Shann1 +, writes (17 February 2010):
Shann1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Regarding my question... the condom, pics and messages are not all in the same time frame. I am talking about a few years in between all of this. Please update. I am trying so hard to let go and move on and I am not sure how to do that as I love him deeply.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Hun, he is showing the classic signs of a cheating husband.
I know that we dont want to believe that our spouses [who declare their unconditional and undying love for us] would do such a thing, but they do!
Honeygirl
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 February 2010):
You found the condom, you found the texts, you found the pictures of the woman posing by his car. Seems to me like he's cheating.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
1. First you find condoms
2. Then love texts from your husband to some girl
3. Pictures of her on his car
4. 1000 of sms messages (could be anyone though)
5. His job has no set hours, so he could be anywhere
6. Always has some type of silly excuse for everything
7. You don't trust him, and your suspicious enough to search
Lady, he's having an affair.
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A
female
reader, Cupcake  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 With everything you have just said, my first thought is 'cheater'. There's just to many incidents here that he always seems to blame on someone else. I think you need to really talk to him about this or leave him.. he is clearly cheating on you and you don't deserve that.
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