A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know this problem is lighthearted compared to some of the other stuff people are going through, but it's been bugging me for a long time. I can accpet an honest answer but please don't judge me as shallow.I love my family, but I absolutely hate, hate, HATE my full name! I would like to change my surname, but I'm not sure if that can be done where I live, for this reason. I can't bear to hurt my family but I just can't stand the full name, and I want a name I can love and cherish.I hate my first name, in myopinion it's ugly, but I don't think I would change my FIRST name because it was picked out for me. It would be too weird- like giving yourself a gift. I HATE the full name and last name and would give anything to have a different surname.I don't mean that I just don't like it. I mean that I hate it so much that it causes me emotional pain and I feel upset every time I have to write it, speak it, or answer to it.I've always felt that I was born with the wrong name. I feel like I got a stranger's name by mistake and I was really meant to be named something else. I feel extremely uncomfortable when I have to tell someone what my surname is, so I feel uncomfortable several times a day, every day.People have told me just to accept it, and to get over it. That doesn't help, because I've struggled all my life to accept the name, and get over it, and I just can't. I've really tried, and tried, but it's driving me crazy. I can't accept it and I'm so sick of feeling this way. I have a valid reason for hating the full name. It sounds excruciatingly PLAIN. Not just a common first name or a common last name. A common, generic FULL NAME. I don't have anything to uniquely identify just me! People say things like, "The name doesn't make you, you make the name," but it upsets me so much to constantly be confused with someone else. A name is what represents you, and it's a huge part of your identity. And, I have a name that makes me feel like a nobody. I feel like everyone needs to have a special sense of identity. I feel like one of many, and I want so badly to have a special name all my own to cherish. People tell me that one day I'll love it, but they're dead wrong. The name makes me feel like some product that was made from a mold on an assembly line. There's always another one of ME. There's always someone else with the same full name. Another girl at my school, another woman at my work. Even a movie character. A name just isn't a special name if it's that common. The other reason that the surname upsets me is because I don't identify with it and it disassociates me from a part of my heritage that means everything to me. I'm from the United States, and I'm mixed with different nationalities, and one of them is a Hispanic country. All my life, I've loved and identified with Hispanic culture and felt like I was meant to have been Hispanic, and I felt that way before I knew I had Hispanic ancestors. I never identified with American culture and always felt out of place in it. I have the most all-American surname in the entire world. Hispanic culture is half my life and it means everything to have some link or connection to it. Our surname is so embarrassing, because people will think I don't have Hispanic blood. I mean you can tell people all day, but that isn't good enough. It's painful to have a last name that disassociates me with the heritage that means so much to me and that lumps me into American culture when I feel so out of place in it. I doubt I'll ever get married, and it definitely isn't going to happen in the near future. I guess maybe one day it could happen, but I'm too miserable to wait. Furthermore I feel overcome with guilt because I know I would be hurting my family. I don't want to hurt them and I feel like a monster for planning to do something that I know would be hurtful to them. I feel so torn... the name causes me emotional pain and I can't accept the name, on the other hand, changing it would kill them. I don't wanna be miserable but I don't want to hurt them.I can accept an honest answer but I don't need to be judged for my feelings. I just can't stand the name anymore. I can't help my feelings, and even though I've struggled to accept the name, I can't. It's gotten to the point where it's driving me absolutely crazy.People tell me to learn to love it but I can't force my feelings to change. The name implies I don't have Latin blood when Latin culture is practically half my life... and it's so embarrassing to have a common full name... I can never feel anything but loathing for a name that makes me feel like a common person. I want a special name all my own, so badly. I should mention that I'm also a musician. I don't want it to just be a hobby, I would like to do it professionally. People say that I'm talented enough to be famous, but I know that having an extremely common full name would kill my chances of success. There are a few people with common full names who because successful despite the odds but I feel like the name is a huge obstacle. It's too plain and generic to be taken seriously. I need a name that has star quality. I would give anything to have a different surname. I'm not sure if it is even possible to change a last name under these circumstances?Would it be acceptable just to go by a last name? In the same way that people have nicknames?What is a good solution to this?Please help me. This sounds shallow but it's driving me crazy and I can't help how I feel. If you can think of a good solution, thank you so much. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, miss melancholy +, writes (30 October 2011):
I feel the exact same that you do except with me it's my first name that I'm uncomfortable with. I've been thinking aobut changing my name for years. The only time i'm unhappy is when I think about how much my name bothers me and i find myself thinking about it a lot. If you're one of those people who are considering a name change you know that it's not an easy thing to do. I used to feel better knowing that I could change my name, but then I would start thinking, "will I ever have the guts actually go through with it?" and when I would think that I wouldn't, it would bring me back down again, but the more I thought of it the more I thought that one day I would. I've been living years being unhappy with my name and I finally decided that changing my name is something that I have to do, no matter what. I'm willing to go through whatever it is I have to go through, It's the only way i'll be able to move forward from this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): I'm the orignal poster. I'm sorry it took me forever to get back. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone. I really appreciate your help and I'm really grateful.
I've decided to change my surname... I'm getting started in a new career but plan to do it in the near future. A lot of people asked... why don't you just do it. And that makes sense! I really love my family and I feel guilty about hurting them, but... I like what some of you guys said about how to tell them... especially Taste. I love my family so much but just feel like the name is a burden... I feel like i'm being forced to be someone I'm not.
Also I have no idea if I'll ever get married, I doubt it, but if I do I want to do it the hispanic way. I was born in USA and I'm not putting down USA at all, nothing wrong with it, but hispanic culture is half my life. When a woman marries in Mexico, she keeps her name and then when the kids come, the kids inherit their primary surname from Dad, and their second surname comes from Mom. If I were to have kids I would like to give them the Spanish name from back in my past just to sound more "authentic."
If it were a matter of just not liking the name, I wouldn't change it but the name has been a source of emotional pain my whole life, and I really would like to be successful as a musician having a plain name is a huge detriment. It's so uncomfortable, like wearing someone else's garment. So I'm gonna just change it... you guys are right, life is too short to be unhappy.
I think fear is holding me back... I'm so scared that I'll be denied my request and I'm scared of having to face a dead end like that... but I really appreciate your advice. I love my family but wanna be happy... thanks guys :)
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Hello Sara.
Back on 6th July 2009, you posted almost the same question as now.
I think you may have posted before that too.
There are valid arguments both for and against changing your name to 'stand out' or stop mistakes with law enforcement etc. If after all this time you can't make your mind up, it's clear that you don't really WANT to have a Spanish name. If you meant to make the change, you'd have done it by now.
Stop stalling. Change it, or don't change it. Either way, make a decision, and stick with it. That way, you will stop being 'driven crazy', and relax a little.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Your bloody 30-35.. you may not have noticed, but you are now AN ADULT.... your family won't die if you change your name.. and it's a bit to late to kick you out of the house now..
Don't know much about American law, but either go to your local town hall or go see a lawyer. Changing names is a simple, easy proceedure that dosen't cost much money.
However, this is not your real problem.. I remember you from before, you have mermaid dreams. You want to be latino, you don't feel american, and instead of getting up and chasing your dreams, you just keep crying and doing nothing that makes you happy.
Take a risk, Take a chance, your already totally unhappy now, why not try to change your life, changing your name would be a good start.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (17 February 2010):
 You've been posting this question for a long, long, long time now here on Dear Cupid and every time you get loads of responses encouraging you to change your name. So my question is, what in the world is holding you back?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-dont-want-to-go-through-life-with.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-so-frustrated-because-of-my-name-and.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-like-i-have-the-heart-and.html
I can't even find the ones that I've answered before. So yes, it's been a while.
It seems like this is really, really bothering you. You need to just change your name, sister! Nothing should stand in your way! As I've said before, one of my best friends radically changed her name, and I've never seen her happier. Finally she feels like HER, and I can really see the difference. You will be happier, your soul will feel at ease and you will finally be able to settle and live your life as the person and name you've always felt you are.
Please, please, PLEASE change your name. You will feel a billion times better. It is not that difficult - people get married and change their names every day. Changing a first name is no different. My friend kept her middle name and changed her first name to an ancient relative of hers or something, so it still was kept in the family. So check out your family tree and maybe adjust a name you like to a more Hispanic version. And just change your last name to whatever. Say you're getting married to your new self.
GOOD LUCK and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just change your name. You've been unhappy for way too long.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): You must like to be driven crazy by this, as you post about it every few months or so and do nothing about it in real life. Can't you just change your name soooooon?! Please????
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): I understand about not liking your surname as I have a similar problem... so I now use my mothers maiden name and my maiden name as a double-barrelled surname.. works for me.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (17 February 2010):
 If you feel so strongly about this, you should apply for a legal name change.
A solution to your problem may be to have two surnames. This is which is common in some Hispanic cultures: one name represents your father's surname and in your case, one of your choosing ("Susie Mae Brown Lopez'). This way, you aren't throwing away your family name AND you are honoring your ancestors. I doubt your family could argue with or be hurt by this line of reasoning.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (17 February 2010):
So change your name. When my stepfather died, my mother changed her surname (legally) to her favorite place. It was pretty easy. My brother decided when he was about 8 that he didn't like his first name, so he's gone by his middle name since then.
None of this has done any damage to our family. Your family loves you, they will be fine with it. I think you are blowing it out of proportion how much it will "hurt" them. You are a grown woman, be who you want to be! They are not the ones who have to walk around with it all day. Just explain to them it's not about distancing yourself from them. You just don't like it.
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A
female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 why don't you add in a middle name.. i know people who go by their first and middle names instead of the last.. you could use a latin name there. you don't have to legally change it, just write your original name on formal documents but get people to call you the new name.
even a nickname instead of your first name.. i'm finding it a bit hard to think of anything because i don't know your name, but if you wanted to associate with your personality a nick name could do that.
A name doesn't dictate your culture or background. I am half dutch and my last name is plain aussie. I don't care, i'm still dutch and always will be.
If your name is really causing emotional pain then you simply need to get people to call you something different, i'm sure your family will understand in the end, but i wouldn't expect them to call you the new name.. after all your whole life they have called you by your current name and if i was in that situation i would feel uncomfortable using a new name.. a friend of mine recently changed his name, he tells new people to call him "will" but knows we will still call him "glen"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Long letter, I didnt read more than the first lines basically. You want to change your name, and in all honesty you dont have to justify this to anyone. You're the one who has to live with whatever name you have been given, and I see no problem with just changing it. I dont even think they charge much for changing your last name, people do it all the time, when they get married, divorced, children's last names are being changed when parents divorce etc etc. My father even changed his last name a few years ago because he wanted something more special, and my younger brother has had a surname change as well. Basically what you do is look it up, how the name laws in your contry work. The laws differ from country to country, in my country we have to prove that someone in our family has/had this or that last name before we are allowed to change it. I've been thinking of getting a name change myself, and a cousin of mine also changed her surname after her parents divorced.People do it all the time, so just do it. Theres no reason for you to be stuck with a name you don't like, and no one can demand you justify your decision. (following posted as a second answer, merged together by moderator.) PS. I scrolled through some of your reasons for why you want to change your name, and you said you are a musician. Like I said my father changed his surname, he is an artist, and he wanted a name that stood out more, for same reasons as you. So he went ahead and did it. And I really think you should just stop complaining and DO IT. Its not illegal! And in case it IS illegal, make sure of the laws and regulations of this! Contact a bureaucracy and call around and look it up.
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