A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 25 year old architect who has reached utter despair in the quest of finding that special lady to grow old together... This sentence sums up my life quite well however; the reason I am writing is due to the fact that I have not been with another ever and that as time goes by the very chances of finding my soul mate exponentially diminish like a vanishing point in a one point perspective. Am I destined to be alone forever?I have tried various online dating sites everything from e-harmony to plentyofish but to no success or avail. I have been on one date a direct result of the later rather the former site and categorically been on a total of four dates in my lifetime. I am somewhat shy but never shy when I am with another person (tet-a-tet). So I doubt my personality is the problem. I know my exposure to eligible partners are rather limited and that doesn't help either but I don't know where to start. I work from early in the morning to late in the evening Monday through Friday for a world renowned design firm and rarely meet any people outside of work. Don't know what to do or where to go to expand my exposure. I am tired of the online dating scene and I really don't have any friends outside of a few co-workers (who are really more acquaintances filling in the shoes of a friend). I really believe I am probably destined to die alone and to have never experience this one human emotion called love. I don't even know why am I writing this or what I am looking from this posting? I guess I just want to see if there is any other person in this entire world that can relate to me or have pity for my insignificant life...I think it's engraved in my head that I will be alone forever and it's hard for me to accept this. But I will go on and slowly die on the inside until I can hopefully finally rest when it is my time to go.Thank you for reading...Andrew
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female
reader, KittenPaws  +, writes (14 October 2010):
Oh my, what a small world!
It's a tough career choice and if you're working for a world renowned practice- that's very impressive!
It's an unfortunate affliction of the subject that there are disadvantages with spending so many hours glued to a computer screen or with your nose in a book! -Have you ever 'liked' the phrase 'I don't need sex, the school of architecture f***s me all the time!'?
Queen Katie gave you an excellent answer. I'm so curious as to which architect you started out working with, Katie -are you an architect too?
As a further idea, it can be a great opportunity if you're affiliated with a university at all. Attending evening talks and open lectures can be a great way to meet people, and sometime they even want to drum up business at local practices for guests at their winter/ spring balls!
However, that would of course depend if you'd want to date another architect though. Which also brings up the issue that if you actually met someone tomorrow; would you have the time to get to know and connect with them? If you're struggling to find time to even meet with someone, do you need to prioritise more time to the cause if you ever want to have time for the people and relationships in your life?
Looking into the future, do you foresee yourself working at this practise for many years to come- or in another equally hard going practise for similar long hours? A high profile practice must be excellent to build up experience and great for the cv- but if you want your life back, maybe it would be worth considering the type of practise where you want to work in the long term.
Please message me if you'd like to talk further- I'd love to compare stories and mutual complaints!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 I noticed one obvious "flaw" if you would like to call it that.
You don't really have friends. How can you ever get a loved one, if you can't even manage friendship? Not to bring you down, but most relationships start with getting to know a person, and so start friendship, and if you lack the ability to make friends I am afraid you don't have much of an ability to get to know people in general. And without that ability you wont everr get to move beyond friendship and into relationship. Friendship is one of the solid bases of a good relationship (not saying you need to have been friends first, but a relationship can never survive on physical attraction alone).
However, do not despair! Identifying the problem is on the road to the solution. You said you don't know whats wrong, and this is probably it. So now you can move on to fixing it. Be more social.
Easier said than done, but just like work and education, being social is something you need to practice, work on, and actually put some time into. For some it come naturally, for others it is more or less forced at the beginning.
You said you have work associates. Try and get closer to them. Go out for Friday beers at the pub. Practice on how to approach people and make friends. And it will help you a long way, because the more people you get to know, the more people will be aware that you are single and available, and the more potential girlfriends you will meet. And then when you happen to actually meet a lady that is nice you will know how to ask her out, and KEEP THE CONTACT. Going on one date is fine, but you would rather have more than just that.
25 years is not too old. Yes it is unusual to not have had any experience with relationships at that age, but you are definitely NOT missing out yet, and the pool is still big.
Good luck fishing! And I recommend in real life, not online!
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Hey, I am 27,and in exactly the same situation as you!
I know it feels hopeless and that no one will ever want you, but hang in there.
A special lady will come along :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Andrew, you are so young! Give yourself some time and have faith. I too have worked for several architectural firms in my life and I know how isolated you can be even in a large firm. Here's some advice: Ask your principal or project manager if you can tag along on appointments with clients, visit the interiors department or interior design firms when the project requires it, get yourself immersed in the happenings of the project. When reps come to the office to present or update be there and get recognized. Go to AIA meetings, CSI meetings, trade shows, join the Chamber of Commerce and do anything to network everyday; do anything that can increase your exposure. This will not only help your exposure to other people, it will make you more desirable to your firm and help you to move beyond the giant firm CAD Jockey to a project manager or even a partner. Don't worry, there's a fine partner out there for you, you gotta work for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Hey Andrew,
Of course there's hope for you. My boyfriend was in the almost exact same position as you. He's 27 years old. And doesn't have much experience with dating or long term relationships. He and I met through a mutual friend just hanging out. It may seem hopeless right now, but the advice given to just be out with friends, hobbies, and enjoying the single life are the surest way your going to find someone.
Trust me, she won't find out while your at home. But I'm sure she's out there looking for someone just like you!
Best of luck
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Practically speaking, get yourself seconded to your firm's Beijing or Shanghai office. This is where most of the building is going on at the moment, we need architects and what is more there are millions upon millions of lovely, clever, beautiful girls here who will think that you are great.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Sorry im back. One more small piece of advice from one of the best coaches there is. Believe me Owen ''Tyler Durden'' from RSD knows and i litterly quote him right now he says:
Owen promotes the belief that any man is capable of achieving attraction, regardless of mores imposed by social conditioning. He argues that physical appearance, financial income and age have little bearing on attraction, and rather that attraction is created by the relative social value or status that one person has compared to another
Much of his company's literature is based on ways to increase one's inherent value, with a large emphasis placed on acquiring social reference points by initiating conversations with strangers in social gatherings
Frequent topics of discussion in his company's publications include self actualization, identity, masculine polarity and empowering belief systems
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): I know where your'e coming from i've been there and believe me a LOT of men where, there is a solution. This solution asks a lot from you in the beginning but most of all it's an eye opening experience. It worked for me, believe me i had lot of struggles with it and it's hard, but men out there meet up and talk about this stuff YOU are not alone, many many many and i mean many man faced this problem and made progress with bettering themselves, some have crazy dreams about threesome's, some are just looking for the ''one''. You need to understand that it's just adding a bonus point to your life. try to google: pua , then look for the wiki page. a small door opens for you. you only have to make the first step.
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A
female
reader, cheannryl  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 God is wit you always,he knows what's goin on,he knows how you feel. There's always a perfect time,and hey each one has a partner so don't worry ok.
Just enjoy life,go out with friends,family.
Remember,there's always a right time:)
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A
female
reader, shnookims  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 You are definately not destined to be alone forever. I know plenty of people who've only found "the one" around their 30's. People who when in school, concentrated on school, then in college, concentrated on that and then tried to build a bit of a life for themselves. Of course, I'm sure that they were feeling what your feeling at one time or another.
Keep your chin up, put yourself out there. I'm sure it will happen for you soon. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Dear Andrew,
I felt like I had to answer this, because you sounded so despairing and so desolate.
First of all, you are not alone. I know many young, motivated, creative people who are in exactly the same position as you. I think it's a generational thing, and I think it's also an issue that is especially acute in the architectural world. I was once working with quite a famous architect who started his career in the early 1960s. He described how, when he was newly qualified and in his early 20s, he was able to walk into high-level meetings and be taken seriously from the get-go. There were simply openings in the market back then for younger creative forces to be given huge amounts of responsibility. By contrast, these days, you're lucky as an architect if you manage to do anything much before middle age (so much so that you get competitions like '40 under 40' - 40 being the definition of a young practitioner). But far from meaning that young guns have less work to do, it actually means that hundreds of hugely creative people are stuck working lengthy hours, and sacrificing love, home, and family life, for literally decades just to be given a basic chance. Combined with the rise in house prices, and the increasing cost of education, it's a bitter economic pill. We're wasting the talents of a generation because the top jobs and all of the opportunities are being occupied by people of their parents' generation.
A further consequence of this, which is exacerbated by the way cities have developed, is that we have a generation of successful young people who are basically quite socially isolated, with little opportunity to meet people in the communities around them, and little energy or opportunity to socialize outside of work. I suspect that this is what you are experiencing. So my first message to you is: you are very far from being alone.
My second message is: do not give up. I know you feel tired, lonely, and positively ancient, but you are only 25. I know loads of people from similar creative backgrounds who didn't meet 'the one' until they were in their 30s. It's far, far too early to decide that you'll never experience love or connection with others. In fact, from the grand old age of 32, I would tell you that it actually gets easier as you get older. In your early 20s, everyone is new in the city, new on the jobs market, and everyone seems to have a pose to strike and something to prove. As I moved into my late 20s and early 30s I found that people became less deliberately edgy, and correspondingly less superficial and more genuine. Hang in there.
It's great that you've tried to be proactive, using online dating. But that strategy is a bit scattershot, like throwing darts into the phonebook: there's only a limited amount of information about someone's basic compatibility that you can get from a dating site profile. And that means that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your princess, which can be depressing and frustrating, especially when you have limited time to socialize! You might be better off trying to meet people with similar interests, for instance by speed dating, or (even better) attending singles nights at a local cultural institution. Several museums and design-led cultural places run these now, and you are far more likely to run into someone with similar interests in your own milieu. Evening classes can be a great way to make connections outside of work too - make sure you suggest drinks with people afterwards, and you might find you soon make new friends as well potential soulmates. Another idea: you could get involved with charities and local artistic media - free 'zines, charity work using your specialist design skills, etc. etc. etc. I think you'll find it rewarding, as well as meeting a whole load of very caring people with possibly a different and refreshing set of values.
Finally, don't be afraid of showing just a little vulnerability with the people you meet. I say this because I wonder if maybe you're a bit like me. I spent most of my early 20s trying to cover up the fact that I felt like I should be completely sorted out and know what I was doing and I didn't have a clue. I felt like a charlatan about to be unmasked most of the time - and as a result I tended to push people away a little with a show of calmness and competence that was very far from being real. Inside, I felt like a lost kid pretending to be an adult. Now I'm slightly older, I still feel the same. But the difference is that I know it's perfectly normal! We're all just kids on the inside pretending to be adults on the outside, we're all vulnerable, we all get hurt, we all make mistakes. Realizing that I wasn't alone in this, too, made me feel much more relaxed.
You won't be alone forever. Keep trying. The fact that you slogged your way through architecture school and into a top placement with a leading firm tells me how tough and tenacious you are. All you need to do is to bring some of that commitment to finding the right person - be proactive, get out there, and look, because there are a whole host of women for whom your intellect, your capacity for care, and your creativity will be deeply attractive.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Hey my good man!
Keep your head up! Wow an architect firm! As a world traveler, I do take architectural tours from time to time!
Listen man, look at me, I mean LOOK at me. Im a product of society and that was derived partially from that word you used, called love. Having experienced it, high emotions and low emotions that may come with it, and also the content in between. It can, but is not necessarily, overrated. If you should be with a woman use your head, not your heart. What makes sense? what doesnt? Of course I have a balance of sensitivity but being with a woman just cause you love her is very imprudent as it strongly implies the relationship is based on arguably an emotional fallacy and not any logic.
Dating sites can work. I know this first hand. However, its a gamble. Have your friends at work set you up perhaps. What about your family? If they know you well, chances are they could help you out. I used to go prancing around in clubs and bars and bookstores and everything in between...nothin' man. Im having a good friend of my family look for a girl for me...not to date mind you but to marry. Im a serious guy.
Guys like you who work very hard can become stressed, very easily and if you dont manage it...it can be bad in terms of slight depression or self esteem. Exercise and weight lifting have been damn good cures my friend and has helped me greatly to try to stay positive thru a lot of crap, esp with women and the dating scene.
I would take some serious time off work to try to discover yourself a little bit so you gain some confidence. Its all about taking initiative. If you cant take time off, try to set aside at least one day to chill. Us humans need that man otherwise well go apeshit...you need to stay balanced...with food, exercise, and work and play. Invite your colleagues over for nite and say bring whoever you want lol and play silly games, get hammered, and watch re runs of macgyver lol...do somethin! Just dont let life make you...youre a confident lad with a good job and intelligent, youre smart enough to get out there and kick some ass in life! :)
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Your life is not written in stone, neither is the fate of your broken soul. You are still very young and there is a woman out there waiting for a man like you, to love her and cherish her. Do not assume that in the vast populace of humanity, you are alone. There is a woman who is dying to meet someone who will make her smile and you can be that man, just do not give up so easily. There will be moments that shall attempt to drag your heart into a bottomless sadness and aggravation but remember that your own want for love will keep you atop the ethereal air. Those moments will plant the seeds of doubt into your heart and you shall continue thinking that you were meant to die alone. No one was ever meant to die without love. Everybody needs it and none go without.
Be patient and be outgoing. Never find an excuse not to meet people. Always be ready to welcome friends into your life with a warm smile and you will never be alone. Love touches all, even those who do not wish for it. But you, not only do you wish for it, you seem to crave it. If you are ready to love someone, then seek and you will find.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, QuestionsInLife +, writes (13 October 2010):
I hate to ask but.. how good looking are you? When you use dating site a lot of people instantly become pickier. If someone doesn't look handsome enough, make enough money, have the exact same interests... then they move on. The internet is tough that way.
Since you've tried the net, try getting a hobby that brings you into contact with other people. A Coed sports team on the weekend, or a reading group, or something that you might be interested in. Even if you don't find your "soulmate" you can at least meet some friends. And from those friends maybe they can introduce you to other people. ^.^ Try not to just rely on co workers. Don't you have any friends from college or high school?
Also.. if you are depressed maybe you should seek a councilor? I am jaded from my life's dating experience but I've not been as down as you seem to be except after a breakup. You are 25... you may not meet your soul mate but odds are if you keep trying you will at least find a girlfriend in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): No you are not destined to die alone, even as I am writing this, there is my closest friend who also wonders the same about herself, and like you she is a higher caliber type human being. But the thing i keep telling her she needs to do, and she wont' is to put herself out there... her excuse: I have trouble trusting people. It's always the intelligent ones that have social problems, isn't it? Maybe they know something about humanity that the rest of us don't? Well, we can't look at life that way. Think positive.
First thing to remember, and I say this from experience: soulmates are made, not found. You will never know who is your soulmate until time has tested the both of you together. And that's the harsh reality. But it is also a positive thing. It means you don't have to wallow in the delusion that somewhere out there there is someone, just one particular person for you, and you don't know how to find them. The truth is you may be compatible with several types of people. And in order to find out who they are YOU NEED TO GO OUT ON MORE DATES, EVEN AS LABORIOUS AND DISHEARTENING AS THE PROCESS MAY BE. You can't have your one, without looking for her. Instant gratification? No. As an architect you know that the process of building a magnificent structure is complex, not a push button procedure right?
From my experience the most important thing in a lifetime partner is the ability to trust and respect each other, and a lot of communication between you. Love naturally blooms out of this. Everything else, honestly, is just fluff. No you don't have to have the same hobbies, or likes and dislikes. That's a ridiculous notion. Naturally some things are non negotiable, like the desire to have children, or how much of a partier the person may be... but many other things in life are just fluff... focus only on finding that one person who you can trust and respect each other. The love will bloom from there. Also don't forget physical attraction. I didn't even mention because that's usually something people consider without even thinking about it. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, cheannryl +, writes (13 October 2010):
Dear,each one has a partner.
And don't be sad,God is with you always,he knows how you're feeling.there's always a perfect time,for now just enjoy your life being single.go out with friends,family.
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