A
female
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*ernadette39
writes:After nearly 17months of my BF living with me, broke up many time over same issues then got back after few days, this time I told him in front of my adult kids that its really over, hes gone back to his mum and we have no contact for 9days, I miss him but dont know what i really miss about him?? I guess i miss the person i wanted him to be, the person i met and fell in love with and was hoping we would have a future together as i had so much plans that i would discuss with him and he would also suggest things and we woud sometimes help me to do things that needs to be done..from the very beginning of this relationship it was constant argument, cause i felt my bf wasnt making effort for the relationship, I felt he was still in love with his exwife, if he talked about her it was with bitterness about her cheating on him to break their marriage, he blamed her alot and this made me insecure, because i felt he was still stuck up on her even though he was saying he love me so much...My character changed alot, I was constantly arguing,sometimes I would get so frustrated and would hit him and throw things at him cause he never seems to value my point when I tell him how I feel and that he is not making efforts for the relationship...it drive me mad, cause i was always feeling second best, he never has money, never takes me out, never buys me anything, and would barely contribute to the household cause he says all his money was going towards debts he has with his exwife..I was having so much resentment on how he was treating me, i got so mad with him and said so much hurtful things to him he would never reply back to me and all along i wanted him to say something back, he would just shut himself down until ive calmed down he would then come and hug me.....I feel bad cause i was never like that with my other bfs,to argue and hit someone or say hurtful things, I feel ashame cause now that we have broken up and no contact I have had a chance to think clearly about the relatioship and how it could have been different, i guess i find it difficult to express myself and talk things thru, i keep things bottle up and then explode and argue with him if im not happy about somethings, he hated arguments big time, hed rather walk away then argue, if i tell him to leave he would never call back, he would just go quietly..my bf was very different to any of the other guys ive been with...And from what i can see, the problem started cause i always felt second best to his exwife, at some point he would even tell me he thought about her alot for no reason, cause i wanted attention from him,and its the wrong approach from my part...before he left he told he has been the victim in all this, I made him feel like c..rap because he is just a simple guy with no money and that he had tried his best with what he could give me and had helpd me in what way he could...yes he does help me withhousehold chores cause we live together in my house, we dont have to pay rent cause i own my home, i pay for nearly everything cause he says he cant afford much yet he never discusses his earnings with me even though ive ask him many times for us to discuss our earnings, ok I know i make more then him cause i have my own business and im very ambitious..he said i made him insecure cause im use to going out with men who had alot to offer me, i feel insecure too, cause his family and friends tell me he did alot for his exwife to make her life comfortable, and now he does very little for me,thats why i was always arguing with him and got so angry and frustrated all the time.....I had a talk with his mum and sister last month about our situation cause im very close to them, she goes to me thats the way my bf is...hates arguments, shuts himself from problems and so on...I want to write him a letter to apologise for having been violent to him when we argue, I cant text him cause he hasnt got a phone, he gave me his mobile phone to keep when i lost mine. we are both early 40s and both been married and divorced, I have 4 grown up kids from my ex husband who are non dependent on me...any advice plz.
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ambition, broke up, debt, divorce, ex-wife, fell in love, his ex, insecure, money, my ex, text, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Sounds like he really would rather be with his ex wife, but as you own your own home and are successful he's been living off you for convenience. You are at the age where you would like to find a successful relationship after divorce but here we have a man who has not moved on.
The arguing is regrettable, especially if violent but if you were arguing a lot then things cannot have been right.
You mustn't cling to those rare moments when you were happy, you mustn't elaborate on his good points when clearly there was a lot wrong with the relationship. You must be realistic about it all and know that it didn't work so that you can make a clen break and find someone else.
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