A
female
age
30-35,
*ise?*
writes:I'm about to be eighteen in November and I'm attracted to a man who's forty. I have to admit, I lied about my age. I said I was nineteen and he bought it because I look the part and use a rich vocabulary. Today, I took the liberty to tell him I had lied and he was of course mortified at first but then said that he thought about it and it really isn't all that much of an issue. Said we could have patience to get back to flirty. He's always been reminding me about the age difference and he had asked me out when he thought I was nineteen but I made up an excuse each time because I felt guilty and I didn't want him to get in any trouble. I was sure to accept an offer if he asked me after Nov. 23rd but now I worry. IF - and that is a big if - we were to go out together. . . is it too wrong? I really like him and he tells me he feels the same but that we also have to think about the age gap. Society doesn't accept it, I'm sure my mother never would but could it work? It's even silly to ask I believe but I just want an opinion. Surely it will be an unwanted one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): If you really love him, go for it. Age is just a number. I know a lot of people will say it's "wrong" and so and so, but unless you plan on getting married or something, there really isn't any type of obstacle to get over.
But in my opinion, you should just try out the relationship and see where it goes!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Age is nothing but a number... life is too short. if u love each other go for it, enjoy your life, dont worry about what other people think, live your life, itis not a crime.. so why worry? itis not eveyday people fall inlove.. and if he feels the same that is all that ,matters.. the more you worry about what people think, the more you will not get any were in life!! good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Hi chick
When i was 19 there was a man who was attracted to me who was 43. He was a really nice guy but he was simply too old for me. I would feel a bit grossed out because it would be like dating my dad, sorry.
In my opinion hun, he is too old for you. Why does a 40 year old want to be with a young woman of 18 ? It could work, but if you want children when you're in your 20's it may not work, it is not likely he will want anymore kids.
Try to find a guy a bit younger who you have more in common with hun x x
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Well it depends what YOU want and what HE wants. If you chose to enter into a relationship with such a huge age difference then you have to be clear from the start what you both want and what you expect from the future.
Starting with you:
1. Do you want kids? Think about this - if you want to have kids in your mid-late 20's, then he will be around 50. He so by the time the child is 10, he will be 60. The chances are he wont be around to see his child get married, he wont be around to meet his grandchildren. You may have to end up caring for him as well as your own children as he may have health problems. He may get ill earlier than you hope and you could even end up a single mother with young children/teenagers.
2. How do you see your life with your significant other? Do you have the view that you would like to grow old together? Or is your line of thinking more that you dont care, you just want to make the most of the time you have together? Because growing old together wont be an option, he wont be around when you are old so if you like the idea of having someone there when you are elderly - this man wont be there so you could be quite lonely.
3. What are your plans and dreams? Do you want to go to college? Have a career? What do you want to do with your life? Because you have to think that in 15-20 years he will be retiring, and you will be in the most demanding, and successful phase of your career (if that is what you want). He will be slowing down his pace of life, wanting to relax whereas you may be at the peak of your success so you wont be able to dedicate the time and attention to him that he will probably want at that time in his life.
4. What is your lifestyle like? And what do you want it to be when you are older? E.g. do you like spending lots of time with friends, are you looking forward to being 21 where you can drink in bars and clubs? Are you quite a social, fun loving person? Or are you happier at home relaxing? Because remember he will have been there and done that when it comes to partying, clubs and bars - he wont want to do it again! So you wont be able to share the fun of being in your early 20's with your partner - that will be tough. And he will want you to stay in, or go for dinner etc rather than hanging out with your friends, so you may have to make sacrifices there too.
And as for him:
Well it is pretty much the opposite of you!
1. Has he already been married, had kids etc? If he has already done all that, then chances are he might not want to go there again.
2. What does he want from a partner & relationship? Does he like that you are so young which in turn keeps him young? Is he a young 40? Or is he quite mature and sensible?
3. What does he currently do as a job and where does he see his life going? What are his plans for the next few years?
4. What is his lifestyle like? Does he enjoy going out and socialising, or is that not really his thing?
I know it seems like a lot to talk about when you are not even together but with such a huge age difference you need to be clear and upfront from the start. Clearly you like each other, so you could end up just going for it and getting into a relationship - only 6 months down the line when you have fallen in love with him that he doesnt want kids & marriage but you have your heart set on it. These factors are what normal couples talk about a few months into the relationship because the chances are at the same ages you share similar values and ideas about life. But when there is a big age difference there is a good chance you are going to be complete opposites, so talk about it before feelings get involved. The more you talk about, the less chance there is of you both getting hurt.
If you both find you want the same things and you are happy to take the risk and know you wont get to spend very long with him in the grand scheme of things, then fine, go ahead. It is a bit creepy that a 40 year old could be interested in a 17 year old, it is quite frightening and does worry me. But then again, if you know him, trust him, and he has not acted in a forward manner towards you then I guess it is your call.
I'm sure you know how hard it will be, there will be lots of family problems and lots of funny looks from people in the street but if he is worth it then I'm sure you will be fine.
But just think very carefully, have a good long talk with him about it and then go from there.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): This man is an old pervert to be striking up a relationship with someone as young as you. He knows it's wrong because he keeps raising the issue, but he can't back out now because he might be about to get his oats with some nubile young chick.
You'll be dreaming of hearts and flowers and he'll be in a different kind of heaven, but not the romantic kind.
Stop this before you get taken advantage of. That is my advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): He want get into trouble unless you have sex, but why let other dictate whom you want to be with. Just get to know the guy in see where it leads too. my relation is kind of like yours but shes a little older then you. he never think of it unless I joke about it. Sometimes I ask her to help me cross the street. It always cracks her up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 The problem is not what society will think ( who cares ) ,or what your mother will think ( she'll come around ), the problem is ,like you wonder, if it can work between you and him.
I think, not in the long run. 22 years is a heck of a big difference, which places you in two very different stages of life in reference not so much to common tastes ( you might very well like the same music or films ) as to your general life visions, aspirations and plans for the future.
In other words, it may be fun and romantic now ,for a little while, but very very likely you'll reach a point were your life paths diverge.
Of course ,probably ( and rightly so ) at 18 you are not concerned about "forever". In this case, go ahead and just make sure first that he is a decent person who cares about you and does not only want to play with a young toy. Just don't bet on a long life span for your relationship.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 You were wrong to lie, but I suppose if what he finds attractive about you is your personality, then perhaps patience is the answer.
A lot of people write to the unknown angels that dare answer on this site, a lot of people fear the difference in age. What others think should not matter, just make sure that this is what YOU want. Other people are not involved in this relationship, there is only you and him and as long as you two are alright with the age difference, all is well (Only after November 23rd) of course.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, QuestionsInLife +, writes (13 October 2010):
I'm sorry, but I don't see this working. Even if he thought you were 19 this doesn't make the relationship any better. There is a 20 year age gap and trust me, it will be hard to relate to each other on a deeper level.
Also, why does he want to date a teenager? You may be mature for your age but he is so much more mature and has four decades of life experience. In the next few years as you eventually turn twenty, and twenty five you will undergo drastic personality changes as, guess what, you get more experience in life and experience new things. You two can't even legally drink together because you aren't 21. And if he slept with you now it's possible he might go to jail for rape because you are underage.
And I'm sorry, but of course he's going to say anything to get into your pants. You aren't as mature as him, you don't have the same experiences, you are from two different generations.. he could be your father. Why is he attracted to you??? Odds are it's your looks or the fact that he thinks you are easy to manipulate.
Be careful, don't listen to what he says. I know that you probably think you are love right now, but trust me, you will be in love many times in your life. This situation smells fishy... If your best friend was 17 and a forty something old guy was hanging around and trying to flirt with her.. don't you think that would be creepy? I sure would. In fact I think it would be creepy for a 40 year old guy to flirt with me and I'm only 26.
Let me say one more thing.. take away four years from your ages. That would make you 13 and him 36... Do you see something wrong there?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): If the attitudes are both partners are very emotionally mature... then big age differences can work... however more times than not big age differences like this are less likely to work. There is also the concern here that you will likely get your heartbroken, often when a man this much older talks to a girl your age, the relationship turns out to be "predatory". Basically you find out all he really cared about in the end was your body. So watch yourself, and be on the look out for heartbreak, if you give yourself in to deeply.
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A
male
reader, Elf, The Mighty Love Wizard +, writes (13 October 2010):
No Way. You are way to young for him and it is just weird and wrong to do that. It also sounds like you talk to him regularly but he is a big no-no you got a big life ahead of you and you shouldn't waste it on a guy who is old and possibly will die before you are 40- 50 years old. Just Leave him be. He is just looking for someone younger to play with.
Elf, The Mighty Love Wizard.
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 i think it wont matter if all he's after is sex.
if its more than that then it may well be too much of an age gap.
i can see whats in it for him, but whats in it for you. why do you like him so much.
have you dated guys your own age?.
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