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anonymous
writes: Am I being stupid? I have a great wife, who is a great mother with our children and in 12 years we have never had bad problems. My problem is that she had a couple of relationships in high school and as she says she was "forced to have sex". Basically, she had sex with each guy 3-4 times and says that each time she said no and tried to push them away but they would not stop. She said each time she felt that she had no other choice, asked why they were doing this to her, cried and felt awflu afterward. This trend carried over into college and if what she is telling me is true she have very limited expreience. I did not have sex in high school and always wondered about those girls who did. I have been treating her very bad lately about this because it seems to me she could have stopped them but she said I do not know what it is like to be a girl. She does not like to talk about it very much because she said they were very traumatic events. I can't seem to let it go. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ladybug  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 You are not being stupid. It's a typical reaction, maybe if I am in your shoes, I would react the same way, try to weigh the positive aspects of your relationship, you've been together for 12 years, she's a wonderful mother and a great wife, what had happened is already part of her past, what matter is her healthy relationship with you today and your great plans for your family in the future. I think you should love her even more and treat her better, she's been with a bitter past give her the sweetest future by giving her the assurance of love , respect and acceptance today. that's all she needs from you
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male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 Continue on to get help. You never know what can come from trying to right any wrong.
You just may be able to reclaim things as you wish. You are obviously trying or you would never have sought help in the first place. Hang in there. Doc
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh yeah doc or dr. john. she said that none of these people except maybe the first two knew each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Doc, I am trying to get help, seeing the shrink on Monday, hopefully it is not to late. You are right there is not much deviation in her story. She does say that with two of them she felt like emotionally she clocked out and did not fight as much as with the rest. She said she still said no and pushed hands away but they would not stop so she felt like it would happen no matter what she did, so her mind clocked out quicker than usual. I hate to think of that happening and do not understand it I said why not just get up and leave. I did not feel like I had a choice. That just sounds crazy to me and I do find it hard to believe, I say just admit you let it happen and let me move on. However, she says you will never get me to admit that I "Let" anything happen. Whats worse on my mind is that on Friday I saw a doctor and was discussing the problem and she said that all sounds a little fishy to me also, let it go. She added fuel to my fire and what was ironic was that I felt angry at the doctor because I felt myself wanting to defend my wife and tell the doctors that she was not there and she would not lie. Am I crazy or what, but I am still wrestling with this problem. I know I have probably messed my life up to a point that I will never get it back and I hate myself for it and wonder why i cant just let it go, but I do find it hard to believe, so cheer me up doc.
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male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (22 September 2007):
The one good thing I see on your part is that you are at least you are making the attempt to try to correct the problem on your end.
Think of this though. I have known of guys whom if they have the opportunity to take advantage of a girl they are quick to supply that information to their buddies who in turn will take the same advantage using the exact same techniques. Believe me, I have counciled many women who didn't know why they allowed such a thing to happen to them. In reality they were all victims of some of the worst crimes. For one thing they traumatize the victim mentally, physically or both to make them submit to their advances and then in commission of their crime re-traumatize the victim again.
A person undergoing this kind of abuse in effect has their mental faculties scrambled to such a degree that they don't know what to do. This is why it is so difficult to try rape cases in the courts.
Try to put yourself in her shoes and think of what it must have been like for her from her point of view. How would you react under identical circumstances. And give it an honest assessment. It may open your eyes a little more to the pain she is dealing with. Realize too, one of the first signs of a lie is if a person tells a story several times and the story changes a little over time. Well, what I am getting from you is that it is exactly the same every time with absolutely no deviation. Think of that.
Hope this helps further. Doc.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 September 2007):
 you are not acting like a silly ass. You are acting like a concerned parent. But you have to separate the traumas here. Believe it or not, when something happens to the ones we love, it can create a traumatic experience for us as well, because we weren't there to protect them. So is your behavior out of what happened to her, or what has happened to you?
Sure when their younger, she could have prevented it, unless she was afraid because being inexperienced she didn't have the tools to make that decision. When you're young and being overpowered by a male figure. In a two parent household, who are the daughters most scared to disappoint. Their fathers. I hear it sooooo much. When I was young, mom would get mad, but you didn't want to piss off dad.
Girls put in that position, their could be a transfered fear. I'm studying these areas now, in an attempt to change some legislative decisions and give our children more tools earlier, instead of later. Could it be it's not the fact they were kids, and she could do something about it, as much as they were males, and she could have had a fear of anger?
You should seek out a counselor for her. If this did happen the way she explained, she could have the best life in the world, a very high self esteem, until it comes to sexual choices. How she views this experience could determine whether she seeks more sexual partners, or has more of an ability to control herself. Sometimes when violated we loose our sense of caring about ourselves when it comes to physical relationships.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (20 September 2007):
 Okay since you are so completely thick-headed on this subject, let's look at it from another angle. Let's assume for the sake of argument that your wife did have consensual sex with these past boyfriends, of 12 years ago. Judging by the way you are obsessing over this issue, I'd say there's no way in hell she wants to be honest with you and say, yes, I had sex with them, I enjoyed it, it was 12 years ago, big deal. So maybe they forced her, maybe they didn't. But could you handle the truth? Could you handle knowing that she had sex with a couple of past boyfriends and actually ENJOYED it? Could you deal with it? If you can't deal with a possible forced sexual relationship, then how do you plan on dealing with the possibility that she had sex with someone before you, and enjoyed it? You putting her under the constant microscope is not normal, especially for any situation that happened so long ago. And why is this topic coming up NOW? What triggered it? Please don't tell me you've been badgering this poor woman for 12 years about her past, which to me, is not really a "past" at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Oblivia, Little Miss Helpful and all others. I will say that I pay a lot of money to the doctors but do not seem to get half as good advice as what all of your writings bring. I am in a day to day battle with feelings and still have many things in my head. If she said no and wanted to be anywhere but there why not just get up and leave or kick them in the privates or just fight. All of these guys were pretty long term boyfriends so I know they could not have been that bad of a person so why not just tell them get the hell off me. Why just lay there and take it and feel awful over and over again. Why keep going back to them, hell you violated me once shame on you twice shame on me. I know that I think like a guy but give me a brake. I know I put a lot of blame on her but she does not even say I let them do it because they were my boyfriend so I did it to keep them happy. She only says I did not want to, I did not participate, I said no and it should have meant no. Get the hell up then and get the hell out. I do not understand because this is not a stupid woman she says she was very naive and trusted in people at the time but what does it take to learn 1. do not be alone with them 2. get the hell up and get the hell out when certain advances are made. Just trying to understand a womans mind and not doing a very good job.
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 If your wife had low self esteem and low feelings of self worth when in high school it is not at all unlikely for her to end up in these situations several times with several guys. Guys with predatory instincts immediately spot these girls. For an insecure young girl who becomes a victim of these predatory guys it might even be hard to tell at the very time that it is a violation, because these guys will not take no for an answer and they are often very clever to make the girl believe this is what she must/want to do to fit in/be normal. They also very well know that they will get away with this because the society works like that, it is considered to be the girls own responsibility to not becoming a victim. In many people’s eyes it is considered rape or molesting only if the man violently forces himself on the girl/woman despite the fact she is making physical resistance, scream and tries to fight. For some reason it is not so often considered being rape or abuse if the man uses psychological means and know how to take advantage of an insecure girl. But it still is!
When you now are questioning her you are part of upholding this system that says that it is only the girl’s own responsibility if a guy takes advantage of her and abuse her. You are letting her down by telling her it is her own fault she was taken advantage of in a situation when she was weak and vulnerable.
It is very nice of you to iron your own shirts, but she would much more need a good man who stands by her side and supports her when she trusts and confides to you. I think you must think this through very carefully. Are there actually other issues that you need to deal with? If it is, don’t hide them in this excuse, be a man and talk to her about what is REALLY bothering you in your marriage, because I have a hard time to believe this is the only reason you are going through this hard time of forgiving her, it must be something else than an event 15-20 years ago. Stop throwing shit on her and make an honest effort to find out what it really is that makes you so angry/disappointed with her.
I don’t think you are an evil, mean man but you should ask yourself who you want to be, what kind of a man you want to be. You say you love her, let that love guide you.
Wish you all the luck in this, take care.
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female
reader, little miss helpful  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 she didnt have to tell you this but she did cause she trusts you.
she wont be lieing about it they way she explained it to you is exaclty how it happens. and it is true when they say they wiont do it you want to belive them as your vunerable.
and the reason why they dont take the top of is because all it is to them is a quicky and thats it. they dont lookat it as making love they just want sex and thats it not bothered who hey hurt.
i am glad you are getting help well done for that.
dont ask her anymore questions you need to get oever it she wont want to keep talking about it its nit fair on her.
take care and take care of her. x
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female
reader, little miss helpful +, writes (19 September 2007):
what she needs from you is love and support not for you to act like a arse with her its not her fault!!!!!
i wil have happended the way she said and it will be hard to fight of onelad let alone more than that. you have to remember us girls arnt very strong in high school.
she needs your support and also needs to get some proffesinal help as it could ruin the rest of her life and you start acting like you love her yeah!!!!!!!!
also i am shocked you even doubt her women dont lie about these things i think you need to start appoligising now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again everyone for your responses. I know I am acting silly and like an ass but I am not meaning to be that way. I will tell you that I do not take this problem lightly and I am currently seeing professional in the form of a psycologist as well as prescribed medication. I am not naturally mean, hateful or crazy but something really has hit me lately, so I am trying. This is a woman whom I do love dearly and have since the moment I laid eyes on her August 31, 1994. She is not my best friend, she is part of me and I am trying hard to get over this stupid hand up. Today I tried to follow the advice of this colum. I did not ask her any questions, we had a nice time at the kids soccer game, good supper and I even ironed my own clothes for tommorrow so that she could go to bed early. (pretty good for a guy ain't it) but still my mind burned with questions and things that I don't understand. So I will ask you guys. I know most of you say that forcable sex does happen and I know it does but. How could it happen with her and different people. I have asked her and she said that she would go to the bedroom with them to talk or watch tv, kiss a little (no heavy making out she says) and the next thing you know they were jerking her pants down. She said she would tell them to stop, push their hands away, ask them why they were doing this and finally she felt she could not stop it and would remove her mind to another place. As I said in an earlier post she told me that not once had her shirt ever been removed. Now she said this was the same way everytime she had sex. I ask her why ever go anywhere alone with them again and she said she tried not to but sometimes it wound up that way and she believed and trusted in them when they said they would not do that to her again. I asked her how she felt when this was happening and her answer was I can not believe this is happening. Never foreplay, no oral given or received, etc, etc. Now I do not understand this, I would not force anyone to do anything they did not want to do and sometimes I wonder if you did not want to do it why were you in that position in high school anyway. College I understand becuase I went crazy there myself. I keep telling her that she could tell me the truth what happend because I just can not comprehend it happening that way every time. I asked her if she thought it was date rape every time and she said I told you how it happend you call it what you want it but I lived it and know. I keep waiting for her to say O.K i gave a few bj's, hand jobs, anything. I may not be so crazy that if she told me but I get crazy thinking she may not telling me the whole story. I ask you again could it have happend the way she said, or does it sound like it could have. Be easy on me because I tried really hard today and will see the psycologist again tommorrow. I am making an effort thats why I am asking this smart group. Sorry so long.
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (19 September 2007):
Look dude, we're all telling you the same thing, but you don't seem to want to listen. There are one of two things going on here.
a) It absolutely happened the way she said it did. And what she needs is you to be understanding and professional help to get over the trauma.
b) She's telling you this so you quit asking her about it and don't get as jealous as you could get, although you sound pretty damned jealous already.
Now either be understanding or leave her the hell alone about it. Does she grill you every day about the past? Do you want to be grilled every day about something that happened at least 12 years ago?
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male
reader, simon008  +, writes (18 September 2007):
you must get it together man.. you should be supporting her, listen and let her talk about it, if she needs to. Sounds like you're jealous about this, which does not fit the picture at all. she's been abused, you have to support her, and let go of your personal blockings about this..
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): You need to get over this problem and move on with your relationship. I cannot believe you are still grilling her over something that happened to her 12 years ago, and is obviously hard for her to talk about or relive. I think you're showing signs of being obsession-compulsive about this issue and you are doing serious damage to your relationship with your wife. You are also showing her how completely INSECURE you are as a man - the person she looks up to, to protect and love her. This is now YOUR problem, not hers. I hope she never tells you a single thing again because you are immature, selfish and extremely insecure. If I were your wife I'd kick your ass to the curb for acting like a complete jerk the next time you bring it up. Grow up, man!
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female
reader, shynelly +, writes (17 September 2007):
 I cant believe your having an issue with this when she is the victim. Im sorry but I dont understand your issue. This obviously all happened before your relationship with her started. Consensual or not its none of your business. Had she done it while in the relationship yeah id understand but its not right for you to humiliate her this way. She's the mother of your children and deserves all your respect because if you cant give it to her who will? Let he who is without sin be the one to cast the first stone...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): it can absolutely happen like that. Some people don't recover as well emotionally as others and predatory abusive men will pick up on that vulnerablity and target women that are vulnerable. I've had similar experiences to your wife. Maybe if I hadn't felt so vulnerable I would've done more than said no and pushed thm away. Maybe I could've used a strong tone if I'd had a different upbringing or if I felt like I mattered enough that my not wanting to mattered but at the time I felt like such a nothing that all I did was tell them no and not to and the first few times I pushed them away but when no isn't enough it can wear you down a lot.
It's hard enough feeling that your "no" doesn't mean enough to stop that (genuinely traumatic) thing to be done against you but then to have the man who's supposed to love you constantly telling you that your" no WASN'T enough... well I don't know how I'd manage to stay in that relationship with you to be honest. In fact I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. I know these days that my "no" needs to mean something to the man I'm with
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female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (16 September 2007):
Yes, these things can happen, and yes, it is very likely she is telling you the truth about what happened and about how she felt then. To question her every day about this can very well make her feel like being abused all over again. Imagine how much she must have trusted you when telling you about this and now you question her about it. Are you really prepared to ruin your 12-year of marriage because you can’t put yourself in her position and understand her? Why would she lie to you after all these years? You don’t have to understand all the complex psychological mechanisms about how this could happen, you just have to understand that she is a good wife and mother and that she loves you. Do you love her? If you do, make a good effort to let go of this or you will hurt not only her but also yourself and your children. Maybe it could help to see a psychologist about this; they could give you explanations and make you see how these things can happen to a woman.
Good luck!
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female
reader, mona-lisa-cries +, writes (16 September 2007):
 im very very sorry to tell you so bluntly but....YES!!!i am 14 years old and ive been through hell, there is a guy in my life, he has raped me twice, ive never told anyone not even my boyfriend...when you get raped, there isnt anything in the world that could be worse. No mater how hard you try your body is stricken with fear and you cant move, you feel you have to fight but cant, afterwards you feel dirty and think of reasons why it happened to you, you then start believing youve done somthing wrong...If your wife is telling the truth about what happened to her she needs you now more than ever!!! you need to show her you're her superman and that you will protect her and never let that happen to her again!i wish you luck, take carexxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the great insight. The rational side of me does see that I am being very childish and she deserves better right now. I do still have a problem and I bother her every day with the same question, Why? I do believe her in many ways and I do believe that she had some kind of bad trama from the way she talks. She tells me that she would try and do things not to put herself in the situation to have had sex. She also said she only had sex about 18 times through out highschool and college. Sometimes though she would find herself in a position and she said she always said no, they would not take no for an answer using strong emotinal and slight physical pressure, and that she felt like she had no other choice, and removed her mind to another place and later felt awful and cried. However when we met there was an instant physical and emotional attractin and we were like rabbits the first week. She said this was so unlike her and she felt different and not ashamed for the first time in her life. (I am not saying I am some stud or great looker!) She said she never had oral, hand jobs, no one ever took her shirt off! My problem is does this actually happen. I would have never forced anyone to do anything and always had girlfriends or flings and it was always mutual, no being ashamed and almost always fun. Am I trying to look to much towards her what I remember my romances being like or could she be telling the truth and reliving rape all over again, which is what she is telling me.
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female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (16 September 2007):
Yes, you are being stupid now. Let go of these feelings. Concentrate on what she has been and meant for you during all these years. Whatever happened in her past and however it happened, obviously it was very traumatic for her and she has been strong enough to confide to you. Don't punish her again for what happened in her past. Don't be just like the guys who abused her heart and body in the past, be a better man than that to her. She is your wife and the mother of your children!
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (16 September 2007):
 Hey - don't allow this emotion to get out of conrol!!!!!
First, observe yourself when you think about it. Identify exactly what is bugging you : she's had sex b4 meeting you; she was taken advantage of; she enjoyed it; you imagine her having sex; she's comparing you; you know/see the guys; something else.
Second, examine why you're feelng sensitive to it: you feel inadequate; stress at work; failure at work; she's blossoming/becoming more attractive; you're loosing confidence somewhere; or something else.
Now decide what you can do about it. Might be a combination of several factors. Post again if you've identified possible cause but can't decide what you can do to address it.
Finally and very importantly - do something loving, romantic, sexy, or caring for her as soon as you've read this message.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (16 September 2007):
These incidents happened over 12 years ago and prior to your marriage. Why in the world would this subject have even come up at this point and become such a huge problem? Your wife is not in high school anymore and hasn't been for more than 12 years. Whatever she experienced back there, as a young, inexperienced teen is a non issue now. It shouldn't even be a discussion that comes up, much less haunts you this many years later. You said you've had a good marriage and you have two children. Why not try focusing on something real, like your kids and your future together and leave the past where it belongs. In the past. If you can't get past these very old issues, then go to counseling and figure out why you are letting them ruin your wonderful marriage. Good luck
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male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (16 September 2007):
The first thing you need to realize is that this happened before you were married, right? Did you even know her when this was happening to her?
Secondly, some guys have mastered the art of intimidation with women. They have figured out how to basically bully women into giving up sex on demand.
Note what the U.S Department of Health and Human Services has to say on this subject:
"Violence against women by anyone is always wrong, whether the abuser is someone you date; a current or past spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend; a family member; an acquaintance; or a stranger. You are not at fault. You did not cause the abuse to occur, and you are not responsible for the violent behavior of someone else."
Now, they are saying that a person is not at fault if they are a victim of abuse in any form.
So how are you able to hold her responsible for this?
I think you need to take a good hard look at this situation and give her support. Don't accuse the victim but give them help and support. She has probably suffered some real trauma because of this.
I have supplied the link to the site where I aquired this information. I hope it helps you to rethink this. Doc.
http://www.4women.gov/violence/types/sexual.cfm
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (16 September 2007):
 If you have had a solid twelve years with no problems and true happiness and love, why are you messing it up now??
First of all, this has ALWAYS been in her past. Since day one when you met her, this has been the background of her life and up until now, it hasn't affected your relationship one iota. The only reason that her past is messing up your relationship now is because you're making it!
Secondly, there is nothing, absolutely nothing that you can do about it now. There's nothing left for you to do but to get over it. We can't go back and change the fact... her past is what it is and the only thing that can change is your attitude.
It sounds like your wife has a hard time in the past, and clearly she's been strongly hurt. You can't judge her for things that it sounds like she didn't even want to do. You can only feel bad for her, hold her, kiss her and love her for being strong and coming out of her past the woman, wife and mother that she is today.
EVER IF, let's say, she stretched the truth and enjoyed sex when she was younger, is that so terrible? So she slept with a few men... YOU won the girl in the end! She's married you, given her body exclusively to you and has beared your children. You sound like a lucky man, and you are.
Please don't mess up what is seemingly a wonderful relationship. Don't make her feel any worse about her past than she already does.
Good luck, sweetness.
xxIndia
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female
reader, elitzabeth +, writes (16 September 2007):
 When did you find out about this? Did you ask her or she told you?..How did you find out? Anyhow, it's the past, you can't change it and neither can she, so just let it go and don't talk about it anymore....and whether she is telling you the truth or not it doesnt matter either; it seems to me that she is not happy about it and regrets ever happenning. Try to forget it or you may lose your beutiful family...Is it worth losing your family over something that happened years ago and that can't be changed?
Forget about the past go on with your future..
Hope it helps .. good luck
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (16 September 2007):
 Yes, you are being stupid to be quite honest with you. Whether the sex was consentual or not that was before she was married to you therefore it should not matter. You should appreciate the fact that she trusted you enough to tell you about those experiences. You of all people should be supportive of her, not judging her. Nobody is perfect. Get it together, and appreciate that you have a good wife who is a good mother to your children !
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (16 September 2007):
It actually sounds like rape, but from this many people and many times, I kind of doubt it.
And why are you treating her badly over this? For twelve years she's been a great wife and mother. If she had sex before you two had a relationship, suck it up and forget about it. If she were forced, that means raped, but if she says this in every instance, totalling 6-8 times between different people, either she actually had a problem saying no to them, wanted to have sex, or she's feeling bad NOW because you're making her feel bad for asnwering for something she shouldn't have to answer.
If it is as traumatic as she makes it out to be, then you should be understanding and not acting like an ass.
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