A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 13, And I'm in love with a 21 year old guy. I know it sounds really stupid, but please hold off the lecture until what I'm writing is comepletely read. I KNOW the guy, He's been my best friend (We're gamer geeks) For two years, and just recently got into a relationship. Theres just one problem.. HE THINKS I'M 16! I'm really scared because if I bust his bubble about what he thinks my age is, He'll leave me. He's a very kind and sweet guy, and we are planning to wait until I'm old enough. But I love him very much, and I'm really scared. My mom just know him as my best friend, and she doesn't mind that we're friends, but she doesn't know about our relationship! What should I do to tell him? I'm not planning on telling my mother untill I'm old enough to move in with him! He said he'll love me no matter what happens, and nothing I could say or do would make him change his opinion about me and from me being ADHD with bipolar tendencies, I have hurt him once or twice with foul language. He minded very little but it never deterred him, and I became a little confident in that. Please tell me what I should do, and if it's okay to mention sex early? We're both virgins,and he's only had 1 other girlfriend. He's been tested and he's comepletely safe, and he's the type of guy to ALLWAYS use a condom. Any advice given would help me TONS. Thanks!
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female
reader, PillsburysGirl +, writes (22 October 2008):
 okay, first off, you need to tell him your real age. simple as that! you cant be leading him on! he can be put in prison because of you.. I am sorry to burst your bubble.. you have alot to live for and there are pleny of fish in the sea, your age.. i really dont have room to talk bc my boyfriend is 20 yrs old and I am 33, but thats not the issue, he is legal age. not drinking age though, but my point is, you have to tell him the truth before he gets hurt.
A
male
reader, Billylyer  +, writes (14 October 2008):
The calendar age and the actual maturity do not always coincide. Despite the age difference of 7 years your boy could be at the same level of maturity as you. Judging from your letter, this love, beautiful as it is, looks like a crush. Time is needed to test it. I am almost sure that your soul must go a long way before it will be qualified for what is called good sex. Wait until you are 16 or, at least, 15.At the same time, I agree with other participants of the discussion that any sexual activity beyond kisses would result in long term imprisonment for him. Your being 13 and him 21, you will never convince the court that it is anything other than the sexual abuse of a baby. I do not know the current realities of life in your country. Perhaps the court would be more lenient, if you begin it at 15, unlike the example in “Flying over the cuckoo’s nest” (the movie). I am not a sex expert. However, I daresay that if you will find yourself to be unable to completely suppress the craving of your body, giving yourself up to unnatural sexual practices, you’ll run the risk to become an addict of fellatio, orgasm resulting from extensive kissing, handjob, dating palm sisters, etc. Shifting the balance of your sexual preferences could probably lead to the development of permanent indifference to the natural way of doing it resulting in a problem of conceiving children as well as other problems. As I see from your letter you are a computer game addict. Take a hammer and break the computer! It is not a joke. Another year of this and you’ll become equal to a mentally retarded person. Take your boyfriend and travel! If you do not have the money, travel the way hobos and hippies do it.
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A
female
reader, Anonny  +, writes (13 October 2008):
You must tell him your REAL age!! - I know people who work with offenders and the number of men who end up in jail because they didn't know the true age of their girlfriends is unbelievable!!! - The law will be against him most probably whether he knows your true age or not - so DO TELL HIM!!
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (13 October 2008):
 Hi Hunny
Your in a pickle sweetheart, DONT!!!! be having sex love and tell him the truth, I no when your young and what seems like a little white lie to start with turns into a huge big black one its very frightening, But the worry here is your friend could end up in jail not knowing your true age hunny..Be honest tell him the truth as soon as possible, And take this as a learning experience that to lie about things is not the best way to go in life hun, as one lie leads to another and before you know it its all just lies do the right thing hunny TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, samsmommy +, writes (13 October 2008):
 I think that you should choose a time when you KNOW he will hear you and listen and tell him you're 13 and see what he does.If he says it's ok or he doesn't care, he's a freak. Any grown man that is even halfway interested in dating a 13 yr old girl that is in jr high school is a perv.I know you probably don't want to hear it but the best thing that could happen would be him breaking up with you when he finds out you're 13 because that shows he's a decent person.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (13 October 2008):
 Just a side note to Flynn, I met my husband through a MMORPG (Mass Media Online Role Play Game). Times have changed, places to meet have change, but the people haven't. I didn't anticipate I was going to marry a man who sold me Goblin armor, but anyone can be a phsyco. Even a guy you meet in a bar. Whether you meet him online or inperson first, through a game, chatroom or datingsite really doesn't matter anymore.
Atleast online if they are bothering you you can put them on ignore. Something that would really benefit people who meet obnoxious people in a bar, club or anywhere IRL really.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (13 October 2008):
Are you not 13? Yes. Does he not think you are 16? Yes. Then you have lied.
I think you need to realise you did lie to him. He thinks you are 16 not 13. Ok? so no matter if you have tried to tell him, you havent and you started a relationship with him without correcting this. That is starting a relationship based on a lie. You are still "16" in his eyes. Thats a lie. And its a lie that can cost him his career, his family, his freedom and his life. I am not joking. All you have to do is go into google video and look at a full episode of DateLine's "To Catch a Predator." The same laws apply to men who didn't know who they were talking to. Infact telling me that you have confirmed your true age to him and he wasn't paying attention, in the eyes of the law, means he does know(even though he doesn't). Worse for him.
You did not tell him straight away for what ever reasons, but if in your case you pick bad moments heres a clue. EMAIL. They are static and generally dont go unnoticed, so no matter if you are playing deathmatch or CtF, through all the headshots, he is going to see it, but he really needs to know.
HonningKanin
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A
male
reader, Billylyer +, writes (13 October 2008):
Dear, I am more than 3 times older than you and I have learned something by experience. The complexity of a human personality and its capacity to compensate for mental disorders is amazing and unpredictable. Doctors like to stigmatize people and people are prone to believe them. You have a gift to love. Many of those who do not have ADHD have not it and will never have. Thus, do not be a slave of prejudices. Just learn to coexist with the disease and do not be mortified by it. Your sweetheart might be as well a slave of prejudices. Your love is what really matters, not your age. If I understood you correctly, he has set his mind not to have sex with you for two years on the assumption that you are 16. Let 2 years drift by and take care to conceal your real age. Anything can happen in the heart of a young girl in two years. If your love will not fade away by the end of that period and if you stay close by him, you will know his character very well and will be able to figure out what to do next. Sorry, I did not account for the moral code of your country. (My opinion) To ruin your happiness and that of your sweetheart by the dogmatic adherence to the letter of law is a stupid and nasty thing to do. If you do not wish to be a deceiver, try to understand and convey to the man you love that there is a letter of law and the message behind it. A moral message behind law. Printed letters alone cannot account for the complexity of the situations in life. since life is by far more complex that any letters can envisage. “Jurists” must understand that the letters are wrong when they disagree with the reasoning, notions and moral behind them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): So he must have heard you, unless he's deaf. He properly does know your age and is ignoring it, that proves to me he dosen't care he's dating a 13yr old kid. The fact your thinking about underage sex at 13 says a lot! Keep away from this MAN
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): You don't DATE someone in the manner you described.
A date is two people meeting in person.
Not online lobbing grenades in a disappointing threequel.
If he trully cared for you, he would have backed right off the moment you even mentioned your real age. And never mentioned any romantic thoughts again for a very long time.
You need to be more careful. Perhaps he isn't a psycho. But many are. And at your age the risks are too great at the moment.
When you are 22 and he 30, no one will even bat an eyelid.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, cliis its me  +, writes (13 October 2008):
yes they are all right by law tht was made so many years ago to protect people more so women from creepy men while he may not seem creepy now u think u will be 22 and he will be 30 no offence dont take this as though no one care but if u become intimite with this man u might find u say it to a friend that it hurt or something she blabs it to another girl at school or infront of a teacher or parent or something he will do a minimum of 9 years do u really want that just think about the after effects or wat if the condom breaks and u fall pregnant???...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonningKanin, Just to clarify, I have NOT lied, I have actually voiced myself 6 times about my age but he was too busy to hear me. (He was playing Halo 3 LMAO!!!) And actually once when I tried telling him he was running from grenades and did this awesome headshot . Sorry going off topic. but I have not lied to him, I have tried telling him, he was just never paying attention at the time, and It's my fault because I sometimes choose really bad times to say stuff and not know it.
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A
female
reader, Seeker +, writes (13 October 2008):
Even if you want to have sex with this man, it is NOT LEGAL for you to do so. Be honest with him about your age. If he really cares about you, he'll wait till you're 18 and old enough to legally consent to sex, and if he doesn't care enough to wait, he's not someone you want to be having sex with anyway. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): I mean, obviously if it's true love, then you can't exactly help it. First of all... you're going to have to tell him eventually. He thinks you'll be able to move in with him in... two years? But you won't be able to for probably five more years. Second,you could get him into big trouble. You have to make sure it doesn't turn into anything illegal. My advice is to tell him, since you're most likely going to have to later on. You might as well get it over with. And there are so many guys left, you are too precious to get hurt. The longer you wait, the more you'll get attatched, and if he ended it for your age, you would rather it be now then later on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): I won't give you a lecture as you don't need that right now I am merely going to say that Real Love delights in truth and honesty and hopes and never gives up.
This is a need to know basis if as you say nothing physical has happened between you then there is only one person you need to tell and that is the guy. I know it is hard but you risk him going to jail over your deception, not only that but he may lose his job his career and be branded for the rest of his life. If you Love him then you would want to protect him and the way to do that is to sacrifice your Love and tell him the truth. Your mum would probably see it as a crush and if you lost contact him moving away to protect you.
Raising sex at this stage when you're 13 and he is 21 is a very bad idea, he believes you to be 16 and legal... in the UK his only defence if he had sex with you would be that he genuinely believed you to be 16 and although the court may believe it ordinary people and also your mum would just see him as a guy who had sex with a minor. So I would strongly advise against it for his sake.
I know it is difficult but you need to play the heroine own up to him and tell him the truth "Know the truth and the truth shall set you free" be noble and brave and prove that you do love him for True Love is never self seeking it puts the others interests above ones own. Good luck Kidda
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A
female
reader, eurolove +, writes (13 October 2008):
 Hey ..I been there before i was young and i always loved older men now that i am 22 i have learned to love men my age. What i am trying to say is dont hurry into things in life. There is so much more to life that you have not seen. You guys can explore it together, but slowly, one step at a time, dont rush, not now. Hold on to your values, and then u will realize how big of a difference it is when he is there because he actually wants to be with you for the same reasons. Compromise. And also be honest with yourself, tell him your age, and tell him the sooner the better orelse he might feel as though u did not care for him if you cant be honest with him. So i suggest you find some time to speak to him and let him know everything. That you care, but are somewhat afraid of what people think, and what you yourself thinks. I wish you luck and keep on going , u do have a long way to go, im speaking from experience. So best to you!
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (13 October 2008):
OK I am going to spare you the lecture and just get down to the nitty gritty. If you ever at any point have sex with this man it is ILLEGAL!
You are 13 and he is 21. If you slept with this man, even though he may not know your true age, when he thinks you are 18 you will still be 15, and he will go to jail. Under the eyes of the law, even if he didn't know, he will and can be prosecuted. If he even is talking to you in a sexual manner can constitute an arrest for inappropriate behavior with a minor. Do you know what that would mean for him? He would be placed on a sex offenders registry. That would ruin his life. You would have ruined hs life. If you cared for him you would let him go till you are alot older.
It is very clear you are not mature enough for a relationship because you started it off with a lie. No relationship should be started on the basis of a lie. This will only spell disaster.
I know you might like him, I know you will be stubborn and want to continue this, but you will eventually be left with only consequences for the actions you have taken. If not for youself think of him and how you have put him in a very very dangerous legal position.
best of luck,
HonningKanin
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A
male
reader, prof_orr +, writes (13 October 2008):
 I realize that you're not old enough to know this but you are well on your way to getting your "gamer geek" friend put into prison.
Send him a message and tell him your real age before it's too late to be sorry.
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