A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been dating this girl that is crazy in love with me. However, she started talking about her past. She told me that she didn't want anything between us and that she needed to tell me everything, because she trusts me and so on and so forth. Now after she told me about her past I just felt sick to my stomach and have been unable to even kiss her anymore, just because I got very disgusted with what she said. She told me that back in high school (we are in college now), she was pressured by a guy to give him a bj, and then she went on to tell me that that guy made her take a shower with him, but she ended up running away before she would be forced to have intercourse with him (however I highly doubt that she didn't have any intercourse). She kept telling me that she has never had vaginal intercourse, and much to my dismay she refers to herself as a virgin (my ***, she’s much more like a ho). I can't even believe her words when she tells me that, since I have yet to understand more about her past and how she was. I don't believe in change, once a ho always a ho, so I can't really seem to come to terms with what to do. Now, this bothers me because I was really thinking that this girl was the girl I have dreamed about, and due to religious reasons I have abstained and am a virgin. I feel sick whenever I see her and everything she has done. She kept crying over the whole thing and said that if I was to leave her that she would understand because what type of guy, like myself, would want to have a girl like her- that is what she said directly to me. The thing is, this girl loves me like none other. She does everything special for me and is always there constantly for me, but I really can't kiss her anymore- regardless of her saying she is a "virgin" (I believe that). She tells me that I am a true gentleman, one that is not out there for sex (I told her that I was not thinking nor will I think about having sex with her- that was one of our terms when we got together), who is compassionate and always there for her. But now I feel like she should be treated like dirt, because she is not pure. I really want to believe her, but that happened with my last girlfriend and she ended up stabbing me in the back (she got pregnant and was trying to pin it on me even though I never sexually touched her!), so I can't believe women at all. I respect women, don't get me wrong, but they must earn that respect. My current girlfriend I don't really know. Now I would like to give her a taste of her own medicine, by having sex with her and then quitting it and finding another girl. I am really close to just abandoning my principles because honestly I don't understand why I need to be suffering through this crap while other guys out there are having the times of their lives screwing chick after chick and they are incredibly happy! Or I could break up with her, lose my virginity and then come back to her. Either one of those two are options that I have been contemplating. However, I really don't know. Any help?
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her past, sexual past, vagina Reply to this Question
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male
reader, yesno +, writes (7 April 2011):
Dude, skip the payback and dump her. You'll never forget this feeling and she is lying to you.As for the people trying to make you feel bad:Your feelings are legitimate. Women (and some men) will try to make you feel you are immature, unenlightened, or simply hypocritical. You're not. You're reaction is valid. Your emotions are your own. And the fact that what you feel is felt by a majority of men when confronted with this type of behavior in women, should give you comfort. Here is the issue in my opinion:1) Men put the women they love on a pedestal. The revelation that she is not, in fact, on a pedestal is jarring. The solution is to realize that very few women deserve to be on a pedestal. They are simply other guys with vaginae. We are all equal. When you realize this you will see women more clearly. 2) You value sexual modesty. Don't sell this ideal short. There are women out there who value sexual modesty too. 3) The only women who get upset about this are the ones who do not value modesty but want to be treated as though they do. You are a man. And like any woman, you are entitled to think and feel what you want.
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 That's terrible, honestly. What kind of man thinks its right to "give her a taste of her own medicine"? That is not up to you to decide.She has opened up her heart, and she obviously feels bad about it, and here you go acting like you're the victim and you're being punished. Seriously, you need to hop off your high horse, because you are no better than her, nor anyone else.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 hi calm down please! a BJ is not the end of the world really, she has told you that she was coerced into it, whether this is true or not is debatable, she may have told you she was made to do the BJ because she was afraid of your attitude (rightly so as it turns out) if you cannot bear to be tarnished by her now then so be it, let her go and continue your quest for someone pure enough, but to talk about having sex with her and then dumping her or going off to lose your virginity to someone else and then expecting to swan back into her life afterwards tells me that you are actually a lot lower than she is!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Get some respect for her. She admitted to being pressured into a sexual act that she didn't want to do, and now you want to use her for sex and then break up with her to teach her a lesson? She's already ashamed of what shes done in the past, don't make it worse! Nobody deserves to be used like that, especially someone whose been completely honest to you. I really hope you don't go through with this, and end the relationship with her immediately. You clearly don't love her back, and what you're planning on doing is a hundred times worse than what she did. If you really "live by the bible" you would never consider hurting someone in that way. So please, consider her feelings and end it, I think its clear that you two aren't meant to be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): You're willing to use her for sex, because you think she is dirty, because she's had some form of sex before. Seriously, can you not see the double standard here? I'm sorry if your ex was a scheming evil bitch but this girl doesn't sound like one now. This girl did not set out to hurt you. She just chose to do something that neither of you are happy about after the fact. You've got the right to break up with her over anything you want but I don't think it's warranted in this case.
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A
female
reader, Reggina7 +, writes (28 February 2011):
I second Cerberus. I almost choked when I read the word "principles" and "pure" in this otherwise appalling post. Do this poor girl a favor and break up with her so that she may find happiness with someone who will not measure her worth against twisted standards and abuse her sexually as you so callously plan to do and without any shame or remorse as you came here to proudly announce your intentions. If there is someone who is "pure" in this story it sure as hell ain't you so quit lamenting for the horrible fate that has fallen upon you to "suffer" next to a kind person that for reasons unknown loves you to bits, cut her loose and for your own shake reevaluate your "principles" and seek deep inside of you for a little thing called kindness. I'd take it over purity any day.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 How dare you even contemplate these things! She, an innocent young woman has given her heart to you, revealing a past she is clearly ashamed of, to you, out of trust and a desire for complete honesty and here you are, foolishly contemplating revenge for something she did not choose. You think it justified to use her for sex and then abandon her because she told you she was pressured into performing a sexual act on someone else? I do not see someone who respects woman or anything for that matter. What principles have you shown so far? None. I do not know how your girlfriend sees such a kindness in you, the words I have read are not those of a kind-hearted gentleman, more a deluded buffoon who has corrupted his view of justice because of jealousy and a sickening arousal. Think upon this situation deeply before you judge her. She is not a 'ho' as you so abusively put it. The only sinful things I see here is your attitude towards this. If you do not believe in change, you are a blinded man and you do not deserve a girlfriend until you grow up.
Leave her without using her, let this girl have some peace instead of hurting her for no reason.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (28 February 2011):
 The previous answer is 100% correct. You both are sweet, young and very unexperienced in love andrelationships. I also believe that she is very innocent, she really likes you and she was very honest w/you.. My 1st time was disgusting and I just did out of pressure and didn't know better..I also did because I want to be cool, make this stupid guy happy, I was 21 years old, but I was very naïve for my age..I didn't even like the guy..just felt pressure.. I am sure that's what happened to your girlfriend.. She's not a ho, disgusting...its part of growing up and people make mistakes.. My friends also had sex very early age, by high school everybody I knew already had sex, I actually felt embarassed for being a virgin in high school.. I know how you feel, I admire your morals and its very few people that feel this way..Remember, always do what you want, what makes you feel comfortable, happy.. If you like your girlfriend, she's nice to you, makes you happy, respect you, then I wouldn't worry, waste time thinking of her past..you both are very young, should enjoy college life..If she's a good girl, why should you punish her, destroy your relationship because a looser in her past? Just practice safe sex! Enjoy life and be happy!Good luck! Let's us know how you are doing!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): similar situation I have gone through but one thing is true after listening from her, even if you continue with her you can't be happy and never be happy, because the doubt always haunts you, therefore decide firmly to continue or not with her. Another important thing is you need to trust her if she is truthful and trusting you, otherwise, why she should be open about it and loose you but she trusts you, however make sure her 'trust' for future. And in today's world, it is very hard find someone who is virgin even if you find someone who says virgin, who will you believe? so better to believe someone who is truthful now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): My man, be careful with your decision making here. I sense a strong emotion and do not let that guide you due course. First off, I will say that you should not discuss pasts once feelings have been established for each other because of the risk of jealousy and other negative emotions that you yourself have experienced and described. You have two options here: Break up with her as your sexual ethics and morals do not match possibly or discuss with her on how to address the insecurity you now have of her past affecting your relationship. Theres plenty of threads on here that discuss retroactive jealousy and plenty online material issued by counselors for free and also at your local bookstore. Good luck pal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and I am perhaps the only person that knows about this, since she trusts me too much that she wouldn't even tell her parents. This girl has really fallen for me, but like I said, I really don't know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmaverick494, I understand where you are comming from, but you have to understand I can't trust women easily. How could I, a virgin, compromise my self and get my ex pregnant?! I have always lived my life by the book (bible), and have no reason to have been punished like this by having a girlfriend who is not "pure". I really appreciate your thoughts though. I think she is a great girl, and would like to believe in her since I asked her already like 3 times if she was a virgin and she keeps saying yes that she will not give that up nor open her legs for anyone until she is married. But for some reason, I can't seem to believe that?! What should I do?
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A
male
reader, Moonknight +, writes (28 February 2011):
 First of all brother, relax, calm down, take a chill pill, pop a can of coke, and sit back.Listen carefully to everything you've just said from start to finish. Do you see what i see? i see 2 things here.1. Large amounts of insecurities on your part based on other peoples behavior such as players.2. Double standards.You are disgusted at the fact that she was involved in oral sex with another man, after she came clean to you in order for the relationship to be based on solid honesty. that is to say the least, a bit foolish.If she has had oral or even intercourse with another man or men does not make her any less of a woman, she is the same person before and after she told you all of this. Your anger is blinding you to see what a honest person you've stumbled upon, someone who you've said your self, loves you alot and do everything for you.People like this, people that you click with, people that you can live with and find sexually attractive and honest and loves you and do so much for you, someone like this don't come along everyday, and the worse part is you might never find another person like this ever again, EVER!.Now there is alot of double standards going on here, in your anger you are considering hurting this woman by using her sexually to loose your virginity in order to get back at her... think about it...If you met another female like her who had all the same greatness but wasn't a hoe like you've so kindly described her, and then she found out you did this to a previous girlfriend, why should this woman have any respect for you? why should she even look you in the eye? she would be disgusted at the kind of person you are and hate everything you are, not because of her own insecurities but because you've turned your self into a horrible person who has hurt another for revenge based on your own personal problems.So take another sip of your drink and think about that so far... think what if you never find "another"This woman has done nothing to you apart from open her heart and let you in and this is your reaction, huge heart break.She has not done anything bad to you, so get control of your self and understand that her past does not make her a bad person, if you truly believe she is a bad person here, you have a very weak inner core that needs some work.You've made your self an absolute hypocrite here, by telling her how much sex is not a priority to you in this relationship but later on makes it the deal breaker.You may be disgusted at her but i suggest you take a look in the mirror and think about it all, if you still feel she is not the girl for you and you cannot get over her past, then move on and leave her, do not try to use her sexually, this is shameful.Everyone has a sexual past and if you cannot handle it you are not a man, not all women open up about their sexual past, even when they say they have, they sometimes lie, especially the ones who've come across insecure men such as your self who cannot handle the truth.See it as a blessing that she has opened up to you and with honesty and you know the real deal.Another point is that you are mistaken if you think guys going around having sex with many females doing random stupid things is all fun, this hard core life style will come back and bite later on when it actually matters, a good example is picking up a serious STD and then finding out 10 years later it's killing you.That life style does not make anyone happy forever, it comes a point where you just want to come home to someone who loves you and someone that you can call yours and all yours, someone who you don't have to share with anyone. You've got that right now...
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 February 2011):
Was she naive? Yes. Gullible? Yes. But a "ho"? No. She was manipulated, taken advantage of and she had the decency to open up about it to you because she obviously loves you. That takes some guts to do. She's ashamed of what happened and you're probably one of the few that know about this.
Your reaction to this shows you do not respect women as much as you say you do.
The point is that you aren't the victim here. She is. And she deserves someone who understands her situation rather than one who is quick to judge, like you. The situation with your ex should have taught you that backstabbing and manipulation can happen to anyone, like it happened to this girl. Instead you condemn her for her actions and accuse her of not telling the whole truth, while you let yourself off the hook. If you told this story to her and her way of thinking would be like yours, it would go like this: "my @ss, he's not a virgin; he got her pregnant."
That's not really fair, is it?
If you have the guts, think long and hard about whether this attitude you've got going on is justified. And if you still feel disgusted, do this girl a favor and be honest with her and break up so she can find someone who will love her for who she is.
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