A
female
age
36-40,
*icollieollie
writes:Hi. I have been with my boyfriend for three and a half years and we have a child together. He says he loves me but we hardly ever have sex anymore ( almost never) and he used to be very, very sexual ALL the time. At one point he told me he loves me but he is not in love with me. But afterward he took it back and said he IS in love with me, but its different and he doesn't know how to explain it. He doesn't seem to make any effort to spend any alone time with me. When he is at home, he plays video games instead. we don't even sleep in the same bed unless i make the effort to. he says its a "comfort" issue at his age ( 39 ) and that it has nothing to do with how much he loves me. A couple days ago i lay down beside him and he hugged me and said : " i love you baby. i don't know whats happening " ( i think he meant all the fights we have been having ). The way he said it sounded more like it used to sound when i knew he meant it. I was pleasantly surprised because he hasn't said " i love you" with so much feeling in a long time even though he says he loves me at least once a day. I feel like he has lost interest in me. He is not the type to stay with someone just because we have a kid together , and i am just so confused!! Why is he with me, if he no longer feels the spark or the attraction? It is painfully obvious that he isn't as crazy about me as he once was. What do you think is his deal ? he also says that this is a natural pregression between all long term relationships. " the novelty wears off " I quote.Does this signal a soon coming end to our relationship ? please , i need some advice = (
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Hello - I to am in the same place in my 4 yr 2 mon old relationship - we to have a child together (she's 2 yrs old).... I know exactly how U feel and I think we (You & I) know exactly what needs to be done.... it sucks but speaking for myself I'm am going to go into ending this relationship as an adult - that's the only thing I can advise and to surround yourself with a good support group.... good luck
A
male
reader, meganutts  +, writes (2 October 2009):
 And sumhow that makes it better? The last part of your input just now makes it seem as though your trying to push him away instead of owning up to. I hope that's a faulty assumption on my part. U need to tell him, no matter what.
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A
male
reader, meganutts +, writes (2 October 2009):
Straight talk, your man is bogus and he's messing with you. He's not concerned with how you feel but moreso what he was getting out of the relationship. Until the child came along. Get counsiling if your serious about him.
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A
female
reader, nicollieollie +, writes (1 October 2009):
nicollieollie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, thanks so much for the replies. I am glad i am not the only one who thinks that the "sleeping in separate beds" is kind of odd. The thing is, whenever I talk about us going our separate ways, he says he loves me and that he would be devastated if we broke up. He even got my name tattooed on his wrist! I constantly tell him that if he is unhappy he should leave me but he doesnt. thank you for being honest everybody i really appreciate it =)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 October 2009):
No, it more likely that he sees you as a 'mum', rather than as a sex kitten! This frequently happens and it can be fixed. You might want to try counselling, this can help get everything out into the open. Also, he might be depressed. Do you know of there's something else in his life that could cause him anxiety?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): I have bn married for 10 yrs have 3 children...I've been through seperation and really close to signing divorce papers yet I love my husband very much. And right now we r the happiest we have ever bn together because we have stuck together. I hate to say this but the way he is acting and talking seems he is involved with another . Do you think this possible? I jst knw thts what we were both saying "love u but not in love" when we were seeing others on the side. I hope not but jst what it sounds like. Good luck keep your head up stay positive and try to communicate how you feel and yes it will probably get worse before it gets better again...if it gets better. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, SeriouslyStephanie +, writes (1 October 2009):
 It sounds a bit like the "honeymoon period" has worn off, but this is still no excuse for him to be un-loving. The fact you have been together for 3 and a half years, and have a child, is no reason for him to start treating you like you have no feelings. You still need to be loved and he still needs to be affectionate towards you. I know couples that have been together for 25 years and still have an element of surpirse in their relationship (and darling, at age 39 he does NOT need "comfort" by sleeping on his own. To me, it sounds like you have drifted apart, the initial attraction has gone and you don't find eachother fun to be around anymore. Because there is a child involved, it isn't fair for them to grow up in an atmosphere where there is constant tension, it is sometimes better for both people to move on with their life, whilst still maintaining an adult approach to sharing responsibility for the children. I think in your heart you know what you need to do, and don't tell yourself it will get better because it won't - it well get worse, trust me. Let me know what you decide to do, and good luck. Remember, do it for the child's sake.
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