A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married 24 years and my husband just told me a month ago that he is still in love with his old girlfriend before me. He told me that he has never stopped loving her and that he doesn't love me the same way, never has. We have 2 grown daughters. He asked me for a divorce but now wants back. I am so confused. I don't know what to do and don't know if what he is doing is normal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I have been in your situation from another perspective, as the ex who reappeared. Ee stopped seeing each other when I was 15 years old and hooked up again alomst 29 years later. I did not want him to end his marriage (24 years too) or get involved with me unless he was very sure that there was no alternative for him.
I think your husband and my partner are probably generally very steady men who would not normally think of doing something so drastic. When I saw him again I saw a man who really wanted to be loved and his wife had become unaware of this or was taking him for granted.
I know she didn't enjoy sex and used to slap him away when he wanted cuddles. I think men need to feel sexually important and able to please their partners and he was bereft at not acheiving that with her.
Being with me has helped him recapture his youth and justify leaving, after all I was his "first love". If he said he never loved his wife much I wouldn't believe him. I know he did.
My overwhelming feeling about what happened to my partner is that he did not feel truly and utterly loved and that is what he needs more than anything. He was also overwhelmed by the female influence of his home; the women did the final deciding about things and outvoted him rather a lot. I think he felt immasculated. He threatened to leave several times and tried to discuss his feelings but was largely ignored.
I actually believe that his wife did love him enormously but had gotten out of the habit of showing it, in fact if she had lost the pride and expressed her feelings he may have hone back (I think. He felt like a provider, no longer a person.
When we met he was ill with depression and very unhappy. It is only because I knew him so may years ago that he felt he could somehow go back and take up a thread. I think it felt safe to him. He knows all my family and parents too, which seemed to surround him with an extra layer of family. Plus I have a son, so I am now outnumbered by the boys and I think he likes that.
This may console you, but it has been very tough for both of us and I am sure there have been times when he has regretted what has happened. The guilt is terrible, to the point where he has responded to blackmail and given everything to his ex rather than never see his daughters (all grown up an in their 20's but boy have they creamed him) again. It is another symptom of what made him leave in the first place I guess.
I think we will be staying together but we may not have. We do really adore each other.
If you can think of reasons why this may have happened you can try to address them. There is a good chance that this is a mid life crisis.
I think it is very bad when men say things like he has, because as well as taking away your present they make the past seem as though it was all in your imagination.
My advice to you is to tell him how you feel about him but that he is free to go. Tell him that you don't know how you will feel about it if he asks to come back, that you may not feel the same way about him by then because what he has doen has changed everything. Then wait and see and get yourself some counselling so that you can work out your campaign. Buy a book called "Love Must Be Tough" (amazon)- which I am always recommending to people.
A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Might I suggest married counseling? It could pull out some answers as to why he did this in the first place and is it really 'over.' Good luck. Gena
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 i have to agree with askeve, nobody just says off the hop after 24 yrs of marriage and 2 kids he never loved you like his ex, etc, and it sounds like he pursued her and either was met with rejection or just lost some interest. whatever the case, asking for a divorce then coming back and asking for you back? sounds like a rebound to you because he may have nothing else to go to. now, it could be he never pursued her, but had a change of heart, but to say those hurtful things? it's very scarring. i would find out more from him and not be fooled into reconciliation until you're satisfied with his response. it's unacceptable to say those things to a partner you have been with, had sex with and children, for 24 yrs. that's a long emotional investment he damged, and forgiveness is the easy part. it's the part that comes after. learning to forget what he said. on the flipside of this, and one must always look at this aspect, what would he have done or felt if this was inflicted upon him from you? you know his personality, and how he would maybe have reacted and responded. so stand ur ground. you're the victim here not him.and it's going to take a lot more than sorry and pillow talk to smooth things over.so tread your ground defensively, and let him know how you feel. this was unfair to you, your children who i'm sure know about this, and he can't just sweep this under the marital covers and pretend it was nothing really. good luck desr hope it works out for u...
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A
male
reader, Paladin +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Who knows whats normal. More important is how you feel. The fact that he wanted a divorce and changed his mind I suppose isn't that odd. However, before you could ever truly reconcile with him you need to work out the bizarre things he said to you. Which I seriously doubt he meant and probably was doing his best at the time to make you mad enough to want out of the marriage as bad as he thought he did. I doubt he truly meant any of the bad things he said even though they were terrible to say. Think about it you were together for 24 years and if it was a loveless marriage you would have know without him telling you. I think he has loved you all those years but he has done a stupid thing and probably now realizes it. Of course he has done some real damage and if you are still interested in him it needs to be worked out. It sounds to me as though he somehow came in contact with this other person and his mid-life crisis may have also played a part and he may have simply lost control of himself. You need to decide if you want him back and under what circumstances. I belive this can be worked out but I wouldn't rush to take him back. I am not suggesting that you play games either I am just suggesting you take your time and if you are interested in him maybe go out on a few dates and see if the fire is truly burning. After 24 years you know him better than anyone and he knows it.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 March 2008):
 It is okay for him to still love his ex, of course it is. People think too often that the love has to disappear when a relationship ends. It doesn't. Now if he didn't want marriage, he should of thought about that 24 years ago. He says he doesn't love you the same. That's okay. I don't know of two people who are exactly alike. Just because the experiences of an old relationship ends, doesn't mean new experiences can't take place, even if there is love for someone else.
I think he's going through a mid life crisis. He seems about the age that may take place.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 This must have been devastating for you to hear! What brought this on? Has he been in touch with his ex of late or met up with her at all? Something has brought this to a climax. How did this all come about? Had your marriage been having difficulties?
~Eve~
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