A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have opinion's I’d like to express about male sexuality. Porn. I understand that not all girls have an issue with it, just as some guys don’t watch it. I often hear of guys feeling like they have to hide it from there spouse. "what they don’t know don’t hurt them" I find it degrading for guys to lie to cover it up, that makes two wrongs... but if we don’t know I guess well be fine. I don’t understand the defence "it helps with masturbation" any guy I've ever been with could have sex with me and get off without seeing porn, which means he didn’t need it to get off. To me, I feel porn is away to fantasize about other women, am I right? It’s a way for a guy to cheat with the hottest girl he can even if he can’t actually get with her. And guys don’t mind if their girl looks at porn, but he minds if his girl is the one masturbating on a live webcam in front of the world. Guys often ask "can you at least try to be ok with it" and if a girl says no, then he decides to hide it, when a girl asks, "can you try to live with out it" he says ok, and lies about it. Once again, I know this don’t refer to all guys. but how can a guy say, "sure I would do that porn star, but it wont ever happen, so I don’t see the big deal" the big deal is that he would cheat if he could and we have to sit around hoping that opportunity don’t come along, and if it did, the guy probably wouldn’t tell us he cheated. For a guy to say they watch it to learn new things don’t make sense to me either, I'm very educated and I don’t watch porn to learn. I could probably show a guy a thing or two, not to mention, there learning sessions don’t seem to pay off, they still do it the same way. I feel the only ed. a guy gets from it is what we look like naked. When a guy looks at porn, it makes me feel like he's just settling for me, and the girls on the screen show me how far off I am from being what he actually wants, guys make it very clear that no matter what extreme girls take it to, they wont come off the porn, I can do anything he wants in bed, he could be great in bed and have no need to "be getting educated' I could be pretty as can be, and porn watchers still masturbate to other girls and fantasize about someone else. For a guy to have this issue with being sexually satisfied, it should be degrading to them. I think guys have the upper hand in it, and it would be a different story if the girls had picture messages of different penises going around labelling witch ones are referred to as perfect. And if we didn’t refer to the average guy as average, then guys would actually be watching porn for education (but still not learning anything) id like to know what a guy is actually learning. The average guys in my life were around 6.5 inches, some bigger, some smaller. and they lasted about 20 min. in the sack if we had sex on a regular, and its always over after they cum. but on the net, all the penises I’ve seen average about 8in. and they last about 45 min. that would mean I just settled for a lot of porn loving shortys who don’t always get me off. I feel that guys who watch porn are more likely to cheat if they are in the right situations. for a guy to say that he don’t think those situations are likely to happen, does not assure me that my time building a relationship with him is worth my time and effort, because being with someone for along time, assuming well be together forever, those situations do come up, and that’s when its all about sex to them. Those kinds of guys should be single or with a girl who don’t mind it, because lying about it to girls who do mind isn’t fair and we deserve faithful guys, physically and mentally. Opinions people......
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 Most of the time we are looking at the sex actions, the people are easily and often forgotten.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 December 2010):
Sigh... straight women and gay women (and men) look at pornography too... Where do we fit into your theories?
I can admit, as a straight woman, pornography is a masturbation aid, and intercourse with a man is not the same..
It's a selfish activity (looking at pornography)... masturbation takes seconds, intercourse can take hours...
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female
reader, ramallah28 +, writes (2 December 2010):
 I don't like porn and I don't want a mate who will watch it
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female
reader, youngandrestless  +, writes (1 December 2010):
 im in a relationship that had an issue with porn. we started out watching it together to get in the mood (it was more for him i dont like it much) but then it got to the point that he was blindfolding me during sex so he could do it and watch it at the same time without me knowing. i would find pictures and videos on the computer that i had no idea about and yes it hurt. i felt i wasnt adequate that i was being used. we had many fights about it. we fixed it this way. he wouldnt lie about it, if he had videos and pictures i would know about them, no hiding them. and we found something we can agree on........hentai!!!! its anime porn, and its actually something we can both get off on, and we can watch it together. its actually helped our relationship and our sex lives because neither of us feels inadequate or embarassed!
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female
reader, sam1512 +, writes (17 November 2010):
I dont know my husband watches porn sometimes and im ok with it It doesnt make me feel uncomfortable at all. I mean I think i look at it more than him i look at it on my phone mostly or ill watch it with him. I mean i love it he loves it were both sex freaks so it just makes us worse then we are. So we enjoy it. I would say stop thinking of the negative things of it and enjoy all the great outcomes that can come with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): loved k_c100 answer. I am a woman in a very happy relationship. My man doesn't like porn, tells me it doesn't turn him on. Whereas i LOVE porn. Sure i would love it if my man wanted to watch it with me too in the bedroom, but that is never going to happen, as it does not turn him on. I also LOVE and adore my man and adore our lovemaking. For porn i often content myself by looking at it on my phone when waiting for a plane. Also enjoy reading an erotic book, when he is working. He is well aware of what i do, and if i have watched some really good porn i will discuss it with him later. He rolls his eyes and picks up the vibe from me that i'm horny again. It never threatens him because he knows that, to me, he is 1000% better in the flesh than any man in a porn film. And he knows i will always be faithful to him. A celluoid man is no threat to him. My man is real. And i love that he accepts this little side pastime of mine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): I have to take both sides of the views on this topic.
I can only talk from a women's point of view.
There are certain things I don't understand about men. Men can sit there and get excited about someone they don't even know and think of having sex with them and say this is a act of sex for them. Men can get turned of by women, think about one women and be sleeping with another women.
Why would they want to do that? I know that if I get horny its because I think about a certain person, this person would be someone I am at the time involved with. I would think about certain encounters we have shared and this would turn me on, so why would I want to then sleep with someone or think of someone that I didn't know and share such a wonderful feeling that a special person makes me feel. Surely a substitute wouldn't be able to achieve the level of satisfaction that the real thing could.
I have to agree with the original comment, however I can see it from the man's point of view. Yes sex can release a lot of tension and stress, but does this mean thinking of other women?
Yes porn is harmless in my views and if a man in my life gets turned on with watching this, I would rather him be open with it and not hide it from me, this then gives the the choice to share it with him on occassions if I choose to do so, then the sex act that he wants to proform at that time becomes involving me.
Some men would get off on watching two women together and this would excite him, but doesnt mean that he would want his partner to to do such thing. He doesn't know the women that he is watching so its easier for them to enjoy this because there is no emotion involved, but in reality there is emotions involved and would be worried that you might enjoy this more by someone else.
Some men could even talk dirty to you and involve you in such a scene but in reality, it would be a threat to them.
If my partner wants to watch porn I dont have a problem with it, if I am honest, sometimes its me that benefits from it because idea's do come from porn.
Men do make me laugh thou because a common thing for most men wanting to experience is a threesome. They want two women and them. My partner went through this stage and was hounding me to do this, until I agreed and said that I wanted a threesome, his eye's lite up until I told him that i wanted him to go with another man.lol, I was called "sick",. He leave's the subject alone now, but we often laugh about it.lol. Well men don't understand that for some women its just as sick to them to go with another women. I dont think he will be asking me again.lol.
I think both sides have fair points.
Obviously if any women thinks that there partner would be up front with them knowing that they are against it, please think again, because thats when men will hide it from you, they would be to scared to be up front because this would be to much pressure and stress for them, so would need to masturbate more often xlol.xx
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male
reader, evildrspock +, writes (6 November 2010):
 The truth is, men used to viewing porn like how images and videos stimulate them. I personally enjoyed searching for them, finding them, the whole process of porn searching, gathering, and viewing online (and masturbating) was a ritual that I enjoyed every part of. Sex with a woman can not give someone who is so conditioned to porn as I was any of that, because it's a different experience. Thus you can enjoy sex and porn for nearly entirely different reasons.
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male
reader, Myau  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 This topic is a bit "done to death" i think.
So ill answer honestly : The moment Ive cum, Ive forgottern what she looked like.
Its just to get off, nothing more
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Wow kc 100...
Don't think I've heard a better summary- especially point 2. Brilliant :)
Refreshing to know that some women ACTUALLY understand, even if they don't agree with it or condone it... If there were more women with the same understanding- there'd be MUCH FEWER guys who'd feel the need to lie about it in my opinion. Why lie if you know your girlfriend isn't going to take it personally as her own inadequacy- we don't set out to hurt anybody... I see posts from women on this site complaining about porn everyday, which only serve to constantly reinforce to me that lying is the safest option... better that than the effects it can have on girlfriends.
Sex really can be hard work, it is good to occasionally relax, not have to worry about finding the clitoris, not having to worry about performing, getting up, getting your partner off and getting yourself off as in synch as possible, working up a sweat (Not that it isn't worth it!!). But having no pressure, no worries, being free to relax and de-stress, in privacy and at whatever time suits your schedule best. A de-stressed/content boyfriend is a happy boyfriend.
That really is the best way to explain why some guys in relationships watch porn and a credible reason behind why some may occasionally masturbate to it even when sex is readily available. I watch a tape of my girlfriend and me 95% of the time- and it serves the same purpose... complete serenity and no pressure :)
Again.... So, so refreshing to read your post kc 100
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Ok in brief - this is the reality with 99% of men and porn:
1. It is fantasy and they are well aware of that. They know the boobs are fake, the pictures are airbrushed, the movies are enhanced in post production, the lighting makes the girls look great, they have hair extensions, fake eyelashes and a tonne of make-up on. They know these girls are not REAL, they are entirely fake therefore a fantasy. They dont want this in real life, they just look at this in a similar way to us girls drooling over Gerard Butler in 300 (all his muscles were enhanced post production to make him look like that).
2. It is an escape. This is very important and you need to understand this - when men have sex with a girl, or even fooling around with oral and mutual masturbation, they experience a lot of pressure. Us girls basically can just lie there and enjoy, and choose if we want to do any work or not. We are also quite complex down below, compared to the penis which is comparitively straight forward. Therefore men feel pressure to a) please us b) make sure they get off too. They are doing a lot of the work during sex unless the girl is on top, so (I know how weird this sounds) sex is actually hard work for them. Therefore, to watch porn (which speeds things along as men are visual creatures and it helps to look at something) and masturbate is the easiest way to release tension and get off.
3. They are not entirely interested in the women, it is the sexual act taking place. Yes it is nice that the girl is hot and easy on the eye, but the main thing that turns them on is the sexual act taking place. This clearly makes sense, because if they were only interested in the girls then all men would only watch lesbian porn. But the fact that men are involved in the porn films shows it is the sexual act taking place, rather than the attractiveness of the girl that is the turn on. I know a lot of men actually watch porn and imagine doing that to their girlfriends, they just might not talk about it with their girlfriends because they are not great at talking about sex.
I agree that lying about it is pointless, but us girls need to stop making it such a big deal because that is what is making men so cagey about it. If we tried to be more open and understanding, then eventually men would realise they no longer have to lie!
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male
reader, LT56 +, writes (3 November 2010):
Peronally, I don't own porn or look at porn. I did when I was much younger, but now thought of sex without being in a relationship nauseates me.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Anyone who's read my views on porn know that I'm pretty pro-porn, at least in a couple of respects. I think that Odds and the anon posters did an excellent job of responding to your article. Really, there wasn't much in your article that I found too much fault with as everyone is different and entitled to their own views ona subject. The key point that I would refute is that men who admit they'd have sex with a porn start would cheat on their partner for said porn star. I don't understand why you the jump directly to cheating. Like odds said, that would be assuming they're single in most cases. I think that many men would not cheat on their partner if given the opportunity, even with a porn star or an extremely beautiful alternative. In fact, many men who cheat do so for reasons other than sexual gratification.
When choosing between a willing lover and porn, I choose the willing lover. Every time. Like one anon poster said, since everyone is different, generalizations like this should be avoided.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): If I read this post a year ago when I started visiting this site then I would grab my sword & shield and join the fight- pointing out everything I felt was wrong with what you say... and there is a fair bit. However, after having read a bazillion posts like this I've realized that it really is a pointless approach to a problem with no solution. There is no right or wrong side, this is just the way things are and instead of looking at the issue on a global scale, I think we should look at it on an individual scale- (the only one that matters and that we're qualified to make).
"How odd is it that women get upset over their guy looking at other naked chicks, and guys get upset over their girls past, having been with other ppl not just him.. Girls need to compete with images on the net, guys feel they need to compete with someone we weren't happy with and left?"
I really like that statement. To me it seems that those are the two main issues that for the most part can really baffle partners... They both have reasons for their actions and their feelings- but can find it impossibly hard to understand the others point of view. At the end of the day, IF ITS AN ISSUE FOR YOU, THEN ITS AN ISSUE... You can try to compromise or change your partner, but its better in my opinion to recognize early on if an issue that will cause you a lot of pain and frustration is going to keep cropping up throughout the relationship...
So if a pattern of behavior emerges and you are evaluating the relationship- I believe its better to assume that it will continue, instead of assuming that they'll change and you'll live happily ever after. If its a serious relationship and you can't see yourself being happy with this person if this issue NEVER changed and you would or could never change... then its time to move on. Just accept that its not something you want in a partner/spouse and move on- making sure you've learned what you need in your next partner.
There's endless people out there and they're all different... despite what some bitter people seem to believe- the entire opposite sex is not made with the same "cookie cutter" mold. Find someone you're more compatible with or keep flogging a lazy/dead horse of a relationship... its your choice.
I've gradually come to understand the other side of porn and retroactive jealousy- both sides have valid points... but at the same time- I no longer see the point in arguing when there is no real "universal" solution or ceasefire possible in battles of the sexes. I've got my own clear lines in the sand drawn on what I will/will not accept in a partner and things I will/will not consider changing for a partner... I've got my own individual views, opinions and feelings and like everybody else, they're all that matter in the end... and they need justifying to noone.
It is a pointless but interesting debate... at least for a while... If you enjoy smashing your head against a wall trying to win an unwinnable debate that's rife with generalizations, assumptions, selective studies and surveys then feel free to join the fray:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-lying-about-porn-and-hiding-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
Just remember that its impossible to be unbiased and that when you try to make bold statements about the majority of a gender- you'll have the majority of a gender with bold rebuttals of their own heading your way...
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reader, Odds +, writes (2 November 2010):
 I'm going to pick a few sentences and try to refute them. Please let me know if I've misinterpreted any of them, or if you think I'm making an unfair point.
"I don’t understand the defence 'it helps with masturbation' any guy I've ever been with could have sex with me and get off without seeing porn, which means he didn’t need it to get off."
This logic only holds if there is no physical difference between a hand and your vagina.
"And guys don’t mind if their girl looks at porn, but he minds if his girl is the one masturbating on a live webcam in front of the world."
Looking is one thing, displaying is another. If you had to pick one, would you prefer your man look at Playboy, or pose for Playgirl?
"sure I would do that porn star, but it wont ever happen, so I don’t see the big deal" the big deal is that he would cheat if he could."
Most guys mean they'd do her if they were single, and if they believed she was free of VD. Besides, I've seen how girls react when I claim I wouldn't sleep with a girl who's hotter than them (whether it's true or not), and it's not worth the bother.
"For a guy to say they watch it to learn new things don’t [sic] make sense to me either, I'm very educated and I don’t watch porn to learn."
Some people learn in different ways. Learn by seeing, learn by listening, learn by doing. Also, do you mean educated in terms of higher learning, or a lot of bedroom experience?
"When a guy looks at porn, it makes me feel like he's just settling for me..."
*Everyone* settles. Brad Pitt settled for Angelina Jolie. So long as no one is perfect, everyone settles. I actually find it liberating - it frees me from the eternal yearning for something that can't happen and lets me focus on what I have.
"I think guys have the upper hand in it, and it would be a different story if the girls had picture messages of different penises going around labelling witch ones are referred to as perfect."
Whoever wants the relationship less has the upper hand, just as in any contract or negotiation. Porn gives guys a leg up sexually, just as no-fault divorce gives woman a the upper hand in marriage. Additionally, women have something similar to picture messages - dildos and vibrators, which can dwarf any man's package, and for which their is basically no societal disapproval outside of religious communities. Guys can hardly say the same about fleshlights, so we're stuck with our hands.
"...that would mean I just settled for a lot of porn loving shortys who don’t always get me off."
Good for you to see the difference between fantasy and relaity. Most of the guys who've dated you probably have that skill as well.
"Those kinds of guys should be single or with a girl who don’t mind it..."
I agree, so long as you are willing to accept the substantially smaller dating pool of guys who don't use porn. Anytime someone increases their standards, their prospects naturally decrease. Find that happy medium.
Look, I agree with the fundamental point that overuse of porn is harmful, and that lying to one's spouse is a bad decision (if an entirely understandable one). But for guys, masturbating is basically like scratching an itch. Porn helps, and your performance has no bearing on it. For similar reasons, it has nothing to do with whether a guy will cheat - he'd still whack off even if he had three mistresses, or none.
You are, of course, welcome to dismiss any reason a person gives for acting a certain way as an excuse. I do the same thing for many behaviors I find unacceptable in women. At the end of the day, though, the only person I can change is myself, and if something is bothering me, I either leave, learn to put up with it, or make it worth the other person's while to change. Shaming people into something has never worked long-term for me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): I dont agree that pornstars are the hottest women out there. Nor that every guy who watches porn wants to cheat or is thinking of the porn girls doing whatever to him. My fiance sometimes watches, and i have quizzed him over it. He says the girls are fake and ugly and no way would he want them even if they paid him.. Also he's not the cheating kind, and doesnt like strip clubs either. Not every guy is the same. I think that porn use is getting far too common. If a guy is giving himself to you, why cant he masturbate over pictures or videos of you instead of randoms? Yeah i dont get it. It seems it is one of the most debated topics. That and retroactive jealousy. How odd is it that women get upset over their guy looking at other naked chicks, and guys get upset over their girls past, having been with other ppl not just him.. Girls need to compete with images on the net, guys feel they need to compete with someone we weren't happy with and left? Totally makes sense.??!! I totally agree that guys shouldn't lie about it. It makes it all so much worse when they do
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