A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am Sylvester. I have a really sweet girlfriend, which I never thought she is to be so perfect in my eyes. She is reasonable, understanding and caring. She changed my life from a computer geek into a sunshine boy. I really appreciated and treasure her a lot. She makes me want to be a better person every day and she completes me. My first relationship and hers too has been sweet one for the past 5 months. But we are starting to get intimate now every time we date. This guy here starting to have intense sexual thoughts about her, but I just don't know what to do. My parents used to disagree with our relationship because they know I will fall in this dilemma. However after much persuasion, I promised them that this will just be a platonic relationship. Although, I am not a religious person, I still know the right thing; to have sex after marriage. I fully understand the consequences behind it and if I were to progress to that stage (Thanks to my secondary school’s sex education). I am afraid that I will lose her, which I honestly can’t.The fact that I actually raise this topic with her once, she also felt the same thing as I do; Sex after marriage. And as her boyfriend, I have to respect her decisions. Not forgetting her protective parents, which already questioned privately me on what have I done to her for the past 5 months? I will skin me alive if they know I did something even deeper than kissing. However what I say and what I think is absolutely different. I have strong sexual desires with her but I know I can’t. But things just got worse recently as we are more intimate towards each other now. I may have suppressed the temptations once but I will not have the balls of steel to overcome the next one because I have to admit she has a nice figure. xD I know the problem lies with me, and I don’t want to upset everyone especially my girlfriend. Because I know girls generally tend to be more emotional and heavy hearted towards such things and I don’t want such inappropriate actions to affect our relationship. I will be soon entering my working life in 2.5 years and I have planned to marry her. And I even discussed this question with my father. He says if anything were to ever happen, remember to use protection. This wasn’t the answer I really want. But I know we still have a long journey before we are married. I don’t know whether I did the right thing but, the problem lies now is how can I overcome my sexual desires? Or shall I discuss with her again? Or shall I let time take its course?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): It's good that you're open about these things with both her and her family. And the truth is, if she is heart set on waiting until marriage, then there's nothing at all you can do to change that. But honestly, if she is also feeling certain things, I really believe that this should be a choice that the two of you make together, and that what her family or your family think about it is really not important. It is YOUR body and YOUR relationship, so it's really none of her parents' business what you are doing together and how far you've gone. So maybe leave them out of this and just talk to your girlfriend about your feelings.
The truth is, pretty much every married person I know did NOT wait until marriage, and all of them are very glad that they didn't. Having a sexual relationship is just different, and it's an important aspect of a relationship, so having sex before marriage might even clue you in on whether you really want to marry her or not. I have been sexually active for over ten years, and never had anything bad happen. If you are careful, use protection, and ensure that she is also being safe about pregnancy, then there is no reason to avoid sex. If something terrible did happen, you guys could work through it when you come to it.
It would be more disturbing, honestly, if you didn't have those feelings about her! It suggests that you are really passionate about her, and that you would actually have a very good, healthy sex life if you were to get married. It seems wrong to me that you even feel like you have to try to overcome your sexual desires. It's really healthy that you are feeling desire for her! One of the most common reasons that couples get divorced is because of sex, mostly that they don't want to have sex with each other. So if you didn't feel that way, I'd say you shouldn't marry her. Don't try to deaden these perfectly healthy feelings! Make it clear to her that you are only willing to do what she is comfortable with, but at the same time, you want to feel close to her and experience sex with her, and you're having a hard time waiting so long. Tell her you'll wait as long as she wants, but you just want to know if there's any way she'd consider having sex before marriage. If not, maybe you could talk about other ways of being intimate with each other that don't entail sex. She might be willing to let you go down on her or to do other things that might help you to feel close to her sexually but would not violate whatever morals she has about sex before marriage.
And finally, just keep in mind that girls feel that way too! We live in a society where we feel like we're not supposed to desire sexual pleasure, so I think it takes longer for girls to admit to themselves that they want it just as badly. But the fact is, she probably does, at some level, want sex just as much as you do. If she doesn't, well, that doesn't bode well for your marriage. She might just need a little time to get used to the idea, but being open and honest about your needs and expectations will really help that along. Good luck!
A
female
reader, RN04  +, writes (2 November 2010):
Hi Sylvester,
This is a really tough situation. It is hard because you have these physical desires. Plus, you are really in love with her, so you also have the emotional desire for closeness with her. You should be honest with her and explain that you really enjoy "making out" with her, but since you both have the values instilled in you to wait until marriage, perhaps the "making out" needs to be toned down a bit. During your dates, try to remain in public places at all times. If you are not alone together, you will not be able to have sex.
It sounds to me like that you might be able to be convinced to have sex before marriage, but you are trying very hard to respect her wishes. Are you sure that these are actually her wishes and she's not just saying that because she knows it's what you want? Confirm it with her one more time that this is what she really wants.
Also, I don't know if this is against your beliefs or not... but have you tried masturbation? Maybe if you masturbate before your dates with her, it might help to get rid of some of the sexual tension so that you are not so tempted later on when you see her. It might help.
Good luck to you. I think your first step is to talk to her and confirm that this is what she really wants and isn't just going along with it because you told her that it's your preference to wait.
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