A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I have been seeing each other for awhile now. I REALLY like him, maybe even love him. He has said that he cares about me a lot, more than any other girl. We're not committed to each other although I do have deep feelings for him and I think he has deep feelings for me. We have discussed taking our relationship to the next level and having things get more serious as opposed to just fooling around. One problem is that we currently live about 3 hours away from each other because we go to different schools but I will be going back to his city around mid-May. Until that time he wants us to have an open relationship where he can date and have sex with other girls because he feels that he need to experience having sex with other girls (he has only had sex with me previously). I am not comfortable with this idea but I do understand that we are far away from each other and it's difficult starting a new relationship as a long distance relationship. While he is seeing other girls I will still be the most important girl in his life - he'd rather be with me but I can't be with him all the time - maybe once a month. I will hold the spot in his life as the girl he could see falling in love with and marrying while he is seeing other girls. This arrangement of him seeing and sleeping with other girls would only go until mid-May when I'd move back to the same city. He doesn't mind if I see other guys as long as I don't have sexual intercourse with them in case I get pregnant. If I do get pregnant he'll have added responsibility as my boyfriend since it will be my baby but he doesn't see a problem if he accidently got another girl pregnant. So he's allowed to sleep with other girls, but I can't sleep with other guys. When I look at this objectively I think it's bad for me. If anyone I knew was in a similar situation I wouldn't support it but it's difficult for me because although I think this what I feel is different. It's like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. I think in a way he's disrespecting me and oppressing me. But on the other hand I really care about him and have for a long time. Do guys have to go through this phase where they have to sleep around with lots of girls? Do you think he's treating me badly? If I went along with his idea what does this say about me? Is there anyway to change his mind about needing to sleep with lots of girls and just pick me? What do you think I should do? I wish he would just be happy with me but he says this is something he needs to figure out for himself but at the same time he doesn't want to lose me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionpeoriaman,In terms of the guy's character, I think he is very honest. I truly believe he'd never lie to me or say anything he didn't mean. It would've been very easy for him to lead me along saying there are no other girls when there would be but he didn't. If he said he'd commit to me exclusively, I'd believe him and I'd trust him.As for why I moved away, I moved away for school. I'm in university and I moved to where I was accepted. I'm moving back because school will be done and I have a summer job there.What I've decided to do is keep living my life. Whether this guy was in my life or not, I'd still be doing what I'm doing now and I'll continue to do that. I'm not going to contact him at all. If he wants to show that he really does care about me and call me or talk to me online then I will talk to him but I'm not going to initiate anything to see how much he really cares. If we see each other when I'm in town again, that's fine but I won't be doing anything sexually that could put me in harm. I don't know how many girls he is sleeping with or have been sleeping with or how well he's screening these girls, I'm not willing to take that risk.I think this is a good decision on my part and I'm happy with it.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 He wants to sow his wild oats. Many men do that in your culture. This is not a big issue. Most men lose their virginity before marriage. Even the girls do the same .When you meet a man , you do not know his past. You don't want to hear his past.
Your b/f is very frank with you. He is not ready to commit into a relationship with you. He is a male chauvinist and they want their g/f to be nice and clean.
You go on and live the life you want. When he is ready , he will come for you if you are not taken .
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female
reader, sxcarshalz  +, writes (13 January 2008):
i think you should leave him. He probably only says he doesnt want you to sleep with other guys so you dont fall pregant thats just an excuse. I will give you a little bit of advice if he really cared about your feelings and really truely loved you he wouldnt want or feel the need to sleep with anyone else in the end its your decision but he might enjoy having freedom and being able to sleep with anyone he wants it may leave to cheating on you when it is serios between use. Also the definition of an open relationship is both people men(your bf) and woman(you) can sleep around. I think you deserve more he is treating you wrong think about it. My bf would never think about doing wat your bf is doing. Think about this could you live knowing had sex with other woman. its unfair what his doing leave him now.good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your advice everyone. I talked to him today and I told him I didn't like how this was one sided. We told me that he can't do a long distance relationship, we've done it before and it was hard. He doesn't want to do it again. I understood that, some people can't do long distance. We decided to wait until I move back to the same city as him in May to decide what to do with our relationship. It might go somewhere or it might not.Until then we both agreed that we're both free to do whatever we want with whomever we want. Sometimes I do go back to visit my family and we can see each other then. I know that he will be seeing and sleeping with other girls so I told him I don't know if I can even see him at all. He kept saying that he wants to be with me and I want to be with him so we should still keep seeing each other but I said I don't know. I don't know if he'll have some sort of STD from another girl or what. He said that he understands that I might not want to put myself through this with him but sleeping with other girls is something he has to go through, he needs to see what it's like to be with other girls so he can figure out what kind of relationship he wants in the future. He said he cares about me a lot and if we start something again he wants it to be because we're heading towards a future together but until we're in the same city, he can't work towards that. If I think I can't be with him at all then he doesn't want me to do anything I'm not comfortable with and he'd rather I be happy without him than with him but he'll always care about me.Thanks for all your advice and I feel better about this. I know what he'll be doing - dating and sleeping with other girls and until I move back to the same city I know he'll be doing this. This gives me the power to do what I want to do and I'm not sure what I'll do yet. If I'll still see him occasionally or cut him off completely. I do care about him a lot still but I understand that this is something some guys might need to go through. Any advice on what I should do from here on out?
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (12 January 2008):
He wants you to have a monogomous relationship whilst he has a polygamist one. You are either in a closed one on one relationship or you are in an open relationship. What is right for one is right for the other and if he wants things to be unequal there is no way that a relationship of any quality could succeed out of this.
You quite frankly need to square up to him and explain exactly where you stand in this, you need to tell him more or less what you have written here and then leave it up to him to either agree or go his separate way.
Maybe there is a future for this relationship but the answer to this question I feel lies more with his attitude to what you have to say to him than any advice you could recieve on here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): You are not serious, right? He is such a loser!
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female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (12 January 2008):
 I can't believe you are considering having a serious relationship with this guy.He says you cannot have sex with anyone else in case you get pregnant, but he can have all the sex he wants with whoever!!! even if it means him getting another girl pregnant? he sounds like a complete waste of space. Long distance relationships can work but maturity and fidelity is needed, something i'm afraid your partner is seriously lacking.
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reader, xxbaybeegal +, writes (12 January 2008):
 Leave, get out whatever, that is not the kind of person you should be going out with. why should he need to sleep with other people for "experience". his experience should be with you only and not anyone else if you 2 are going out. in a way i think that you shouldn't sleep with any guys cuz you dont want to fall pregnant with some unknown guy. also if he goes screwing anyone he wants, how would you know that he isn't going to make any long-term relationships, you wouldn't be able to suss it out since you live 3 hours away from him. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve him.maybe leaving is the best thing you could possibly do in this situation. gd luckxxbaybeegal
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (12 January 2008):
Alot of the men sleep around or visit hookers before they get married. The men are expected to be experience in sex . To them , they need to know more about sex and this is one of the ways to acquire and improve their sexual knowledge and techniques. Most men will not gloat in front of their g/f's about their visits to hookers or how many girls they have slept with.
He has been truthful to you except for saying that you should not sleep around.He has no right to do that and you do not have to obey him. He does not need to know what you do with men.
If you do have deep feelings for him and afraid that he may not want you , then you do as what he wants. Otherwise,you can ask him to go to hell!
Today's women are not the same as yesterday's women!
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female
reader, kirsty_29  +, writes (12 January 2008):
 Get out, get out, get out!!!!!!!! Everything he wants to do and expects you to be/do is unworthy. If you don't turn around and get RID of this guy then you are nuts! Yes, I do think that would be classed as treating you badly- well, not considering your feelings or wants- and YES having his cake and eating it too, control freak.If you go along with this it says that you are not standing up for your own feelings surrounding the situation,you would be allowing him to control everything in a horrible hurtful way... why would you go along with this???!!I urge you to talk to him and tell him how you are feeling about this but at the same time,before you do..ask yourselfDo I want this? Question yourself on how you will feel, you should already be #1 above anyone, and if he can't handle being monogomous until May that doesn't paint a very nice picture of his character.He can't have it all, and if he didn't want to lose you then he would never entertain the thought of having sex-dating other women and actually hope to carry it out.Get the hell up and tell him off, you can do better sweetheart, stand up for yourself, I seriously hope you realise you are worth it. I hope you consider ending things and moving on, there's lots of good guys out there, he isn't one.
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reader, happytochat +, writes (12 January 2008):
What your bf is doing is controlling and manipulative! If you were to have a relationship with him when you live closer again, I bet he would continue to control and manipulate you into things so he could always get HIS way. It will all be about HIM!!! You dont want a relationship like this do you?
I think you should take this as a early warning sign that a relationship with him wont be perfect and it wont be a healthy and loving either. What he is doing is disrespectful to you and this disrespect will grow into even more and more disrespect if you have a relationship with him.
Its not about whether or not it is 'normal' for a guy to sleep around before commiting, its about HIM having one standard for him and another for you. That is total disrespect. Its not ok for him to say that its ok for him to sleep around and catch any diseases and get other girls pregnant, but you are not alllowed because you might get pregnant and 'poor him' might have to look after a baby.
He does realise that condoms arent 100% effetive and if he is sleeping with random girls he cant rely on them to be on the pill or anything?? There is just as much as chance for either of you.
Your gut is telling you this is NOT OK! Listen to it please. Far to many times do people (including myself) ignore there gut and later regret it. You know what he is doing is not right and you deserve SO MUCH MORE!!! You deserve a guy who only wants to be with you, you deserve a guy who doesnt control or manipulate you, a guy who has respect for you! He isnt that guy.
Let us know how it goes and if you want to chat, feel free to PM me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): Yes he is completely disrespecting you and utterly treating you badly. Since you didn't break it off with him the second he had the audacity to say that to you then play it off now and just tell him 'thank you for being so honest with me about how you feel and what you plan on doing. I appreciate your honesty. But that is something I will never tolerate. Good luck to you.' And don't ever call him again. Don't answer his calls. Be strong and move on. Just tell him what I told you and then no calls, nothing. If you follow my advice, several things are going to happen to you. First, he WILL regret treating you that way and will call you within six months to apologize. Guaranteed. Second, your self esteem will SOAR. And lastly, you WILL meet someone WAY better. So it's up to you. I really am the voice of experience. I know about this, cause I have been there. It's your best bet. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. Yeah, that's pretty much what I thought too. It's just difficult because I really care about him. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): Your boyfriend has commitment issues as do a lot of men. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too, one way you can turn his head is to stop having sex with him immediately, and tell him he can have sex with you when he is ready to be faithful to you and offer you a life time commitment (that is if that is what you are talking about, falling in love and making a life together.) It is easy to fall in love, it is much harder to have a real love relationship because at it's very foundation is commitment to the other person....he sounds very immature, if he really loved you, if he was capable of real love, he would do everything he could NOT to hurt you...he is being honest but he is setting the terms of your relationship unfairly stacked against you....it is OK if he get's another girl pregnant? YIKES! Put your foot down, if he wants you and can grow up in three months, he will change his priorities, if he is incapable of that, it is better you know now then marry and go through a painful divorce because your man can't be commited to you and the marriage.
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (11 January 2008):
 Sorry to say this, but I can't believe you wrote this letter asking us whether its ok for your bf to sleep with other girls and that he has forbidden you to sleep with other guys whilst you are away from each other. Do you have Doormat tattooed accross your forehead?
Surely you must think this type of arrangement must be unacceptable and that you may catch a STD from this guy.
If this guy said he is committed to you and that you are special to him, then surely infidelity does not come into the equation. Find yourself a decent guy who will be only committed to you and let this jerk get on with it. At the end of the day it will be him that will come unstuck and catch a STD.
I think you should value yourself much higher and kick this lowlife to the kerb, you are worth much more than being someone's Doormat my dear. Dusky xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): For goodness sake please don't let the side down lady. Your self esteem must be rock bottom to even consider this is a 'phase' or acceptable. Be a proud woman - you MUST see this is totally and utterly selfish and manipulative on his part? To be honest I don't know whether to laugh at you or feel sorry for you - I guess its the latter but you will make a fool of yourself hanging around this guy any longer.
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reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (11 January 2008):
 WOW! I don't think you have to look at this objectively to see that this is a great deal . . . for HIM! What a con! If you fall for this line of b.s., you deserve what you get. Talk about having your cake and eating too! I'm almost speechless, but I've managed to muster up a few syllables. LOL.
Give this guy a wake-up call!
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 January 2008):
 Why is he in charge of making up all the rules of your relationship? I think you need to put in your input, and say it needs to be legitimately open on both ends, as long as everyone uses protection OR that his sexual experience with you is enough to satisfy you and going outside the relationship for more may be understandable but is hurtful and if he cares about you he will put you first and not want to hurt you and make a compromise that considers both parties feelings.
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female
reader, Landie  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 There is no way you can even think of being in a relationship like that. Not only can he get a girl pregnant but he can get AIDS. And if you shave sex after he contracted it before he knows he has it, you WILL get it. And i'm sure you don't want to contract an uncurable disease. And what prevents him from getting another girl when you stay in the same town. Being in a relationship with you and having sex with other girls is cheating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): If he doesn't want to lose you he's going about it in a strange way!
How can he say he's committed to you if he wants to sleep around - and have the nerve to seek your approval?
I'm speechless . . . .
Phil
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