A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is something I am interested in as this often comes up on Dear Cupid, how often are couples actually having sex? I know personally I feel that my boyfriend and I are not having enough sex, I am 24 and he is nearly 28 yet we have sex once or twice a month. I have spoken to him about it and he is happy with the amount we have sex, he does not feel unfulfilled but he understands that I do, however nothing has really changed (we have been together 20 months and this has been going on for about 6 months now). However I have done vast amounts of reading on this, and I get varied opinions. Obviously the film and music industries would have us believe that all people under the age of 40 are at it like rabbits, the entire world is sex obsessed and as we all know, sex sells. In films, characters have frequent passionate sex; in music, the artists all are incredibly provocative and often their videos feature them writhing around wearing next to nothing. But is this really true?I read an intresting article online recently that said it doesnt actually matter if you are not having sex, that sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship. Providing you are happy, in love and overall have a good relationship with sex every now and then, do we really need to be having sex multiple times a week? Or is compatibility and happiness more important than lust and passion? I know most would say you need a bit of both, but why? And how much of each is enough? I guess the answer is it is different for everyone depending on sex drive, but I see so many answers on this site to sex based questions, especially if the poster is under 30, saying that it is not normal if you are not having sex frequently. So what I would like to find out is, what is 'normal' if there is such a thing? If you could give your age (or age range if you prefer) and how often you have sex, it would be very interesting to me to find out what is really going on in the bedrooms around the world! Thanks for your time!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): My boyfriend and I are in our early 30s, in an LDR, so we see each other only every 2-4 weeks on the weekends. So we range from 1-3 times a day when we meet up, even if I happen to be on my period. It's a rare opportunity for us and we're exclusive, so all the pent-up emotions get to flow freely.
You're rather young to be in a dry spell, but I do want to say that I think it depends on the relationship, on the couple. Some folks connect very well outside the bedroom, and libidos vary. My bf & I have days where we'd rather talk, cuddle & sleep, and others where making love helps intensify/cement the connection. It totally depends.
It sounds like your long hours may be contributing though.. hang in there.. Maybe you could work out a schedule, unromantic as that sounds. Sometimes it can really work though - anticipation works really well for me & my man!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all thank you for so many responses!
We do live together (have been since last August) and before we moved in together we did have sex pretty much every time we saw each other...so it is good to hear from others that this is pretty typical once you have moved in together.
I have spoken to him about the issue a good number of times now, we communicate really well and we have no problems raising issues with each other. When i have asked him why he thinks our sex life has slowed down so much his answer is "I dont know, I dont think it is too bad". When I ask him if he still gets horny or turned on he has said "not so much anymore but there is no real reason for it". In the mornings he always used to wake up turned on, he is the morning sex type, but over the last few months I have noticed he hasnt even been waking up turned on, and it is incredibly rare to see him turned on these days. Overall from talking to him about the issue he says he is still attracted to me, he is happy in the relationship, he is happy with our sex life and doesnt see the problem. He understands that I am not happy with the situation and always says "oh we will try harder and next time we can we will have sex" - but as you can imagine, that never really happens.
Aside from sex, our relationship is great - we spend our evenings together, we are very affectionate, we have weekends away together, make time to sit and have dinner together to talk etc....we dont argue much as we tend just to talk things through rather than fighting...there is nothing else really apart from the slight lack of sex that is an issue (for me anyway). He has not raised any issues with me for quite some time, and he is not the sort to bottle things up so I am fairly certain he is happy with me and the relationship.
And as for initiating sex - I am the only one who initiates sex! I think I have grown tired of initating all the time, it becomes a bit soul destroying to initate sex every time, it makes me feel a bit unwanted when he never makes a move on me! I am more than happy to do my share of initiating, but it would be nice every now and then for him to initiate sex with me, to show he actually wanted it.
I guess I am just at a bit of a loss at the moment, I am initiating it (and he has turned me down before saying he is too tired!) and he is not reciprocating. And I have talked to him a lot about it, with no real results. We do both have incredibly stressful busy jobs working long hours, and I will happily admit I am tired a lot at the moment. Even going to bed early doesnt help much as I just fall asleep even earlier!
But it is great to hear from so many people, we are definitely on the low side for a couple our age but maybe it is just the end of the honeymoon period and we are having a bit of a low, then naturally it will increase again with time.
Thanks again!
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female
reader, Hazuki  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I will soon be 19 and my boyfriend will be 21.
We have sex generally 2-10 times a week. Occasionally we wont have sex for a couple of weeks. We've been together 4 months now.
Sex isn't planned out when and where. Also our relationships isn't based on sex. I have never had a sexual relationship before him and he has had relationships where all the girl wanted was sex.
While we have friends that are both 28 and have sex practically every day. They enjoy their toys aswell.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): I'm 32 I get sex from my wife about once every six weeks. It's been like that for almost 12 years.
This is as serious answer.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I'm in a relationship with my partner of around 6 months. We usually do it about 9-10 time a week with each other. It's a non-exclusive relationship from my side though, so I end up having more sex than that.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Oh to be your age again. Never stopped doing it then. Mind you, I am 60 now and still have it more times than you do. Change your partner, you are obviously frustrated or wouldn't have raised the subject.
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female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 My hubby and i are both 24, i'm currently 21wks pregnant and we still have sex (this includes things like just oral to me) at least 4-5 times a wk. If you mean just sex, then its still 3-4. Sometimes higher. Before i fell pregnant it may have been once or twice more but we're both quite satisfied with now as well. There are times when he's too tired or we both simply dont feel like it. We're also very cuddly with each other all the time. I think sometimes that brings you closer then sex does
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011):
Lots of little bunnies running around here. I am jealous.
My wife and I have sex a few times per year, which we both admit is not satisfying. We are working on that. However, even when we were young and full of the crazy chemicals that new love creates we still only did it once per week.
I think the goal we are aiming for is once or twice a month. I would love to have sex 4 or 5 times per week, but that's not going to happen with her low sex drive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): I used to have sex with my boyfriend about 3-6 times a week but now he's having a busy period at college and is often tired due to his part time job (lifting etc) Its gone down to 1-3 times.
I do feel dissapointed by this but get that its most likely due to other commintments.
Is anything else going on in his life that could affect his sex drive?
In answer to your other questions to me sex is very important in my relationship and a part which i really enjoy. However if i had to make the choice i would choose compatiblity over having sex multiple times a week.
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female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Hello,
Well around a couple of times a month and we are great with that as were both working and finish late or feel tired and enjoy relaxing together. But it is whatever suits both people and communication is vital. Holidays are free from work so obviously more times.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Me and my partner have sex everyday most days more than once. We have been together for 3 years and both in our twenties. I have a very high sex drive though and so does he.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 May 2011):
 I have more sex drive now in my early 50s than I did in my 20s or 30s.
I'm 51 my BF is in his late 30s (nearly 38) and we see each other on weekends pretty much only (LDR)... there have been weekends we've had sex 7 or 8 times in a 3 night weekend.
I do think that once we move in we will settle down to a more reasonable every other night routine.... that's my preference anyway and I have a higher sex drive than he does....
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male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 I'm early 30's, wife is late 20's. We have been together for about 8 years now. In the beginning it was every time we were together (pretty much every day).. Then when we moved in together it kind of slowed down. A lot of that was tied to uncertainty in our relationship. She had trust issues, i had questions as to whether this relationship would last. That affected us. We got married about 4 years ago. Since then it has been pretty steadily once a week, though we've gone through phases of how "good" it has been. We had a lot of discussions, and fully understanding women and what affects their sex drive, drives them was REALLY tough to get a handle on. Over the past year, or so, I think we've really figured it out, and i find i'm enjoying sex as much now as I ever have.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 May 2011):
 I think it really varies for the couple and where they are in their relationship. It will vary. For some couples, stress makes them want more sex (like Cerberus and his girlfriend) and for some couples stress makes neither want sex. Couples may hit a rough spot and it will decrease, and then be in a great place and it will increase. It really varies and there's no real way to put a "normal" amount in there. Normal is whatever makes both people satisfied.
Personally me and my boyfriend have sex 5-7 times a week and that's normal. One of my friends has sex 3-5 times a week and that's normal.
If you're not happy with the amount of sex, you need to talk to him seriously about it to find out why the sex suddenly decreased. Maybe there's some kind of huge stress weighing on him, maybe something about your relationship is bothering him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Hi! My husband and I have been together for 19 years, both work F/T, and have 2 kids under the age of 9. 3 times a week! :)
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Every Sunday afternoon. Cialis is damned expensive.
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female
reader, belize +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Depends how good the sex is. When I was active the sex was that exciting my windows use to steam! I would last the whole night sometimes.
After having children, I find I get tired and don't want to stay awake having steamy sex all night, I just wanted to sleep.
Now when I have sex I really put all my emotion in it. I believe I have more orgasm now. That feeling can stay with me for days.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): When I was 17...it was a very good year (ahem...just kidding).
During my late teens and 20's sex was about once or twice a week if I had a FWB or regular thing, but I could go weeks without at times. Maybe even a month or more...I forget.
Did it on average once a week during my 15 year marriage. Masturbated probably once or twice a week because my libido was much higher than my wife and she wouldn't compromise.
My fiancee and I are on average once a day, and it is PERFECT for both of us. Weekends we sometimes go up to 6 times or more. It's been years of this with no dropoff, so I know we are probably going to stay pretty sexually active.
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female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (16 May 2011):
I am 24, boyfriend of 2 years is 25. And we on average have sex 3-4 times a week. Sometimes we go through phases where we can't get enough of each other and do it more, a few times a day, etc. But mostly we spend our time cuddling with sex maybe every other day. We've been living together for quite a while now and we're both pretty busy, so when we are together at home, we're both tired and often just unwind. I have a higher sex drive than him, so sometimes I feel a bit unsatisfied, but overall I think it's pretty normal to be having less sex, and we are both pretty happy with the situation. When I really feel the urge, I initiate it more, maybe dress up and surprise him, and he's rarely if ever disappointed me. At the end of the day, who cares if it's normal as long as the 2 of you are happy? If you are unsatisfied with having sex 1-2 times a month, then that's a problem that hopefully the 2 of you can resolve. Whether it's finding out a good time for sex, maybe he's tired after work and in the morning would be good, or maybe finding something that would really push his buttons and turn him on.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 I don't think age is relevant, I have had a high sex drive since I became sexually active, and I don't think anything but menopause might change that. I'll have sex every time several times a day if Im allowed. What stops me from doing that is that the boyfriends I have had (and currently have) didn't live with me, so we didn't get to see each other every day. But every time we met up there'd be sex. So, about every other day or 3 times a week or so. Then what stops me from doing it several times a day is that there's rarely enough time, and the guys tend to get tired after two rounds.
I do think it's normal to have less sex. My friends used to tell me I have having so much sex because I was in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but after over a year I'm still as horny. I just have a high sex drive, and when Im madly in love Im turned on by my partner, so the result is likewise.
However, that bears NO relevance to how good the relationship is. An ex of mine and me had great amazing sex, close to every day, several times a day, and we were together for a year and a half or so. Still, the relationship ended, but even while things were rough and we didn't get along outside of the bedroom.. in the bedroom we were as hot and heavy as ever.
I think what matters is that you and your partner agree on how much is ok and that the one partner doesn't feel neglected or overlooked, or unloved. To be wanted, to be desired, is a wonderful feeling, and to many sex = level of desire for each other. So if there is no sex, or little sex, one partner might feel as if they are not wanted, not attractive, not loved. On the opposite side, if one partner wants much more sex than the other, the one might feel pressured into sex, nagged on about it, doing it as a chore and not out of desire, feeling objectified etc. There's a golden medium in all things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): "We did cheat a lot though, we found every excuse under the sun to cheat, like it didn't count if we were drunk or if it was just a quickie that didn't count either."
Just to clarify when I say "cheat" I mean we broke our own no sex rule a lot with each other. Not the infidelity kind of cheating. Just found lots of ways of justifying having sex even though we said we weren't going to, if you know what I mean.
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male
reader, gigolojone  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 I am 30 and would have sex 3 to 4 times a week. Having sex once in a month is a sign of lack of libido or could be that one party is not finding it enjoyable hence the limited number of times. As a man of 30 which is almost the same age bracket you are talking about,if am not sexually attracted to my partner then there won't be much sex if at all any.
Though i must add that love,happiness and action (sex) compliment each other.
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female
reader, carebare +, writes (16 May 2011):
I think it just seems that your boyfriend has a lower sex drive and some people just do, for no specific reason and they are completely comfortable with it. Are you bothered because you'd like to have more sex and are a bit sexually frustrated or is it because you think his lack of interest in sex means that there's a lack of interest in you? But since you've asked him and he seems happy, I wouldn't think it was the latter. Maybe just try to initiate sex more and see where that goes.I'm 23, my boyfriend is 24 and we've been together about 21 months. We don't live together so we probably have sex... on average of 4-6 times a week, at least but we admittedly are probably a bit on the higher end where sex drives are concerned. However, my best friend and her boyfriend (23 and 25 respectively) who've been together for over 3 years, probably have sex about 1-2 times a week. There isnt any "sex quota" you have to meet to be "normal" so really, it all depends on what makes you happy in the relationship.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): I'm early 30's and my girlfriend is mid 20's. We're together just about 6 years now and live together.
It varies a lot for us. Rarely less than twice a week.
For the past couple of months because of exam stress and the anxiety of college assignments we've been having sex daily, sometimes more than once. Not really out of any need for sex itself but because it relaxes us, clears our heads, gives us a welcome break from studying and is a great outlet for our frustrations. We did go for a few months without it though after the end of the 'honeymoon' period. Just to build up the anticipation again, we were very rampant during the early stages and we didn't want to risk burning out so we took some time only allowing ourselves to kiss and cuddle, and to focus on developing our relationship on a deeper emotional level. We did cheat a lot though, we found every excuse under the sun to cheat, like it didn't count if we were drunk or if it was just a quickie that didn't count either.
It varies a lot but what's important is that we are both satisfied.
"I read an intresting article online recently that said it doesnt actually matter if you are not having sex, that sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship."
That may be the case but if you're not getting enough of it then it is the 'be all and end all.'
OP it really doesn't matter what other people say, it doesn't matter how many times we have sex, nor what's considered 'normal'. Normal is relative and once or twice a month is neither enough nor normal for you. That's all that matters. If one partner is unfulfilled in any aspect of a relationship then both partners have to step up and find a solution to that. Pay no attention, to stats, stories or articles that say what the average is, if you're going to that much trouble to find out then you're simply not getting enough.
He may be happy and fulfilled but if you're not then you both need to come to a solution. I mean whether he likes to have it often or not, you do, so he should accommodate that somehow. It's not that much hassle nor hard work to have sex to satisfy your partner even if you're not necessarily in the mood. In my opinion you're not even asking for it that often, but once a fortnight would be horrible for 6 months, I wouldn't be able to handle that at all.
The thing is though OP, it sounds like you've just left the 'honeymoon' period and perhaps this is just his regular sex drive. Talk to him, he already knows it's a problem, so it's up to you to maybe start initiating sex more frequently. This is already becoming a big problem for you, can you imagine another 6 months like this, can imagine a year or a lifetime of only once or twice a month?
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