A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We're both from the same cultural and religious background, except his parents are conservative and very traditional. We were in an on/off relationship for 5-6 years. Now his parents have recently started talking about finding a girl for him. I tried persuading him to tell his family about me, I'm even prepared to make some changes so they do accept me. But they want a housewife, and a practising religious (Muslim) wife for him. He says there's no way a girl like me will be able to hack the lifestyle, as a time will come where I will feel trapped and realise I can't do what I want. He said he doesn't want to let them down nor does he want to live away from them, as he's the favourite and eldest son in the family. Even if he was to bring home a girl his parents would ideally look for, they'd still not be happy, as he's not allowed to date or have a love marriage, it's seen to be shameful for his parents. There's no way he wants to upset his parents, he won't even try tell them.. I've been his biggest secret. I wish he never came back into my life, his reason being that he missed me and I was his escape when life was getting him down. How about me? Where's my escape in him?I'm trying to hold back on breaking down, but I'm scared I will. Your brutal and honest opinions will help.I don't know how I'm going to live without him, knowing he's going to be married to someone else is killing me inside. How do I get over him? I don't even know how to hate him, I can only think of forgiveness.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Having to live without your love one could be heart breaking and miserable. But love shouldn’t bring sadness and neglect. If you decide to stay in this unhealthy relationship you are on the path to self destruction. You have been in this on and off relationship for about 5-6 years and he has kept you a secret what makes you think that he will introduce you to his parents as his “girlfriend?” You need to get out of this relationship. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship and the only way to do this is by getting out of this one. Run if you can! By staying you will never find peace nor happiness because his parents will always influence his decisions, which will cause you to live in misery, and that’s not what love is suppose to be, you deserve to be happy.The success of any love relationship is based on adjustments; these adjustments are made to resolve any nonconformity that couple may have. Both must do their part to make this relationship work; when a person is putting everything on their behalf and the other one is not, it is when the relationship breaks down. In many relationships where one of the two people is not doing his/her part is due to several factors like, friends, stress, parents, etc. Parents greatly influence a relationship and when they disagree in a relationship, the couple begins to have disagreements. It is very common for parents to oppose a relationship. Parents want to protect their son, because one way or another no one is good enough for their son. The way to solve this is to talk with his parents and ask them why they oppose to the relationship.The consequences in staying with him would affect your life drastically. If, you decide to stay with him all of your aspirations of becoming someone in life are not going to come true. If you plan to go to college to pursue a career you will not be able to. Why? Because his parents want a house- wife for their son. This means that once you start living with him, you would be force to be a housewife and it would feel like you’re a prisoner because your freedom would be taken away. You’re just wasting your time and the right thing to do is to move on and keep living life. The relationship that you have been in, has carried on over more than five years, which in many cases, it is sufficient time to realize that the relationship with your partner should have the same intentions. Not only is it evident that he cannot come into agreement on future plans for marriage, but throughout the relationship, you have been his scapegoat, obviously not taking in mind your own feelings and intensions. The first step you need to do is accept that this relationship is not healthy one, and that it does not benefit your aspirations in no way. By taking initiative and moving on without hopes, the situation will change. Early twenties is a very young age and you still have more than enough time to decide your goals. By restarting your life, it is possible that you will to find someone who, you both, will share the same goals. Going out, and becoming distracted through school, work, and social environments, will be the first step to take to make it easy to forget him and move on. Through these sectors, finding people of common interest. In time, you will finally be able to get over the hardship of her five year relationship, and be able look for another potential relationship partner to initiate a new and healthy relationship. The experience of your now torn up relationship will influence in a positive manner when looking for a new boyfriend. Deciding between yourself and the person your love is always going to be heart breaking and a big step towards your life. As women that you are never forget your values, you always have to love yourself first that anything in order to love another person, sacrificing your whole life to a person that won’t appreciate you and love you for who you are is not a life that you want to live. Remember it’s something that you have to be dealing for the rest of your life. I learned throughout the years that if we don’t appreciate our self who will? Life keeps on going and you will eventually find somebody that loves you unconditionally.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): Emotions come natural to humans. Different emotions come with relationships, some emotions are healthier than others but regardless the situation you will survive. There might be times when you feel on top of the world and love it but then you have those times when a feeling or emotion can become overwhelming that you feel depressed, lost, or trapped. You start to feel frustrated and like if you are losing your mind, but always remember feelings are not facts. There is no need to be fooled by something that is not there. Trust yourself and you can overcome any obstacle. A relationship takes two people it seems that in your relationship you are putting an extreme effort. You are even willing to change your lifestyle for him, which you shouldn’t. When someone loves you they will accept you for who you are. He will not introduce you to his family after so long. You shouldn’t have to be anyone’s secret. You state, “I wish he never came back into my life, his reason being that he misses me and I was his escape when life was getting him down,” that shows you that he is just using you and only there with you when he needs or wants to. That is not a healthy relationship, to be honest it doesn’t even sound like a relationship. Are you all for your freedom and friends? If you were to change your lifestyle you will have to live under his parent’s expectations. He told you that there is no way you will be able to hack the “housewife lifestyle” and in time you will come to realize that you can’t do what you want. Think about your happiness in the future, his family has a huge impact on him and sooner or later it will cause a lot of stress and problems between you two. +Low self-esteem is a huge part of your life right now because of the way your boyfriend is treating you, with no respect or love. That is not right you do not deserve that, you are human, you are beautiful and deserve better. You say that you are nothing without him; you are reacting with extreme emotion or no emotion. For example you want to change just to satisfy his parents’ tradition, which makes it seem like you care more about them than yourself. You should love yourself and respect yourself, your life. Yes it is hard to get over someone you love and have been with for so long but do you really call that love if he would hide you from his family and only come back to you when times are difficult for him. He is not taking your feelings into consideration; he doesn’t realize the pain he is causing you. Times are hard for everyone not only him, you need someone who is going to appreciate you for who you are and be proud to show you off to the world. Sometimes what you want in life is almost impossible to achieve, there is so much obstacles to overcome. Reality must be set in, sometimes so that you don’t waste time in your life trying to achieve your goal which is his family acceptance of you being his girlfriend. It’s been 6 years that you two have had a on and off relationship, yet he continues to deny you. You continue to believe that he will change, but that is not the case. In any case he’s using you for company and is using you just for his own purposes because if he did love you, he wouldn’t put you through this. You need to start understanding that he will not change he won’t let down his family and will end up marrying someone else, and if you stick around you will end up being his mistress instead of his wife. You are worth more than that, you deserve to be married and raise a family of your own with someone that will know how to love you correctly. Nobody really understands the definition of love, for the fact that everybody has their own way of expressing love. The success of a relationship requires the combined effort from both partners. They must have an equal share of joys and sacrifices. If one keeps on giving and the other keeps receiving, there is a possibility of exhaustion and blaming each other when problems arise. Actions speak louder than words. Showing love does not end in saying “I love you.” It requires affection, respect, and honesty. The decision on how you make the relationship work should be between you and your boyfriend. Acceptance of each other’s limitations is also a key for a successful relationship. If you could not be the traditional wife that his family wants for him, he should learn how to accept it. He will build his life with you and not his parents. He wants to be a good son by agreeing to marry another woman chosen by his parents even though this would hurt you. You should accept that this relationship will not work. Let time heal your pain and wait for another chance at love when the person, time and situation are correct.It may seem difficult at first. You are so use to him that you will think about him, maybe even dream about him but it is best to move on. You are young and have a lot more to experience. Start off by throwing away things that hurt you (letters, pictures etc.) There are many things you can do to keep yourself from feeling down or negative. Keep yourself occupied, if you have any hobbies find something to make out of them, if you like sports join a team, go out with friends, meet new people, take a chance to explore and live your life as you wish. As a final point you need to understand that this is not a healthy relationship. It is obvious that he is choosing his family and they have such a strong influence over him. You won’t be able to change him or his way of life. Therefore I recommend that you move on not necessarily in another relationship, but find something that interests you and keeps you busy. You need time for yourself and time to heal from all this that has been hurting you. Time heals all wounds.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your answers, you're absolutely right. I've got to move on somehow. It's just hard when you feel you've become a part of that person, then they let you down and you're treated like a temporary escape.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 If he can't stand up for you, forgive and try to forget. It's best to move on, the earlier the better.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Then forgive. That's all you can do. You are to glad you had met. Don't start discounting all the experience you two have had because of this. It's like when someone passes away. Do you say, you wish they had never been born to have shared that time with them, or are you grateful for having known them, and for the experiences you shared.
Forgive him. Miss him, but always keep the memories you shared alive. That experience will always be important to you, and part of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): I have been through this. My ex boy friend also went for an arranged marriage. I think once he has made the decision, there isn't much you can do other than moving on. And remember, if he chose to not marry you because you don't have it in you to be a doormat, it shows his lack of integrity.Good riddance, I will say.
Go girl! Forget him and move on!
Grieve over him as much as you have to and forget him. You will be alright soon.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, lovelyeyes +, writes (16 May 2011):
Omg! You poor thing!! I think u should let him go even though its gonna kill u. If this is how he's gonna act and not stand up for u w/his family now then can u imagine him in the future if u guys stay together. He will blame u forever for going against his family then it will follow w/hate. Let him make up his own mind and if he chooses his family then u do need to move on and not try and force this cause it will prob turn ugly in the future between u and the inlaws and then get bad between u 2. Trust me he realy is doing u a favor even though your not looking @ it that way.
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A
male
reader, Zahir_is_burning  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 I went through same situation here in Pakistan. If he can't take stand for you in front his parents, It's better call it off and move on with your life. A true lover will stand by you through thick and thin, and will try making the relationship official no matter what .. If the the person does not show this quality, that means he is not in love with you and he just dragging you along to kill his alone-ness . If he had to agree on arrange marriage , then why the hell he kept you in that relationship? You need to seriously into everything and make final decision which is best for you. Best of Luck!
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