A
female
age
36-40,
*earN
writes:A guy told me the other day . If i really love him, I must reduce my weight ? Why would someone say like that ?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): I really like Bond girl's answer here. It is NOT about being hot. Hot can mean different things to different people and if society's norms affect you too much all you have to do is look at ads from a different era, claiming to help women gain weight. A few pounds up, a few pounds down, it is all beautiful, but if, as you say, you are really overweight you have to seriously think about your eating habits and you should lose weight, not for HIM, but for YOU. A healthier version of yourself is worth more than anyone's opinion and believe me, it WILL affect the quality of your life. The body is the vessel you are given to take you through life. You need to start taking care of it. Forget diet and begin healthy eating instead. Do some sport. Something fun preferably cause if it feels like a chore you have to do in order to become thinner you'll never stick to it. You may never end up looking pencil thin but who cares? Guys may come and go and I do not have enough background to know if this guy is a jerk or someone who cares enough to say something. It shouldn't matter. If he is your boyfriend then he obviously found attractive enough to sleep with you in the first place. The core of the issue is you.And it is not about looks but about health and quality of life. Best of luck
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 I weighed 203 lbs (I am 5'9")in high school. I am slender now. Being healthy can mean a lot of things. I once worked out 4-5 times a week for an hour a day and ate a very low-calorie diet. I was UNDER weight and was not healthy. When I look at pictures of myself now, I don't consider that "hot". I consider it not having enough fat in the right places. Perhaps you do need to lose a few pounds, and lets say these guys are looking after your best interest. My problem is...they aren't looking after your best interest making a statement like that. If they knew anything about being overweight, they would know that statements such as these do not help. It would be more constructive if they would say "Honey, do you want to go take a walk or bike ride with me tonight?" If they really cared about you, they would find heartfelt ways to tell you "Honey, I'm worried about you. I want you around as long as possible...maybe we should work some more exercise or good meals into our lives." But, alas, many men don't have the maturity and common decency to say common sense things like that. Instead, you have to make sure you're pleasing them when you do something. "Hey, you'd look REALLY HOT if you lost a bunch of weight!!!" And then I would turn around and say "Yeah, so when are you going to get a face lift because you'd be A LOT sexier if you got a face-lift!" I'm sorry, but this is not right. You know what? If these guys want thin women then they need to look for thin women. It's not that hard to do. On the other hand, if you want to try to lose weight...do it. But do it for yourself...not some man. Because once you lose the weight, there will be something else you have to change to make yourself more hot.
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A
female
reader, bearN +, writes (5 July 2012):
bearN is verified as being by the original poster of the question ok, To all of you who helped me in this question. Actually I am very overweight. So When i see myself in the mirror. I surely am not looking good with the body type I have now. So basically I guess the guy said was right. He wants me to look healthy, maintain my figure and look hot.
I have had guys before even ready to buy for me reduction medicines in order to get fit. Sounds weird right!! even i am shocked. They always tells me if you reduce weight , you don't understand how more pretty and hot you could look.
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A
female
reader, Miss GC  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 haha.. oh well.. hunny.. if you really want to do it for YOURSELF then DO IT.. being fit and all boosts our self esteem, confidence and ego.. but the thing here is that the one you like/love said something that I think you find offending.. that when you love him, you should lose weight.. oh no.. did you tell him that what he is asking is a sign that he is really not loving the real YOU?? that he wants you to do something where you yourself is not even sure if you want to do it or not.. he doesn't love you the way you are hunny.. so if i were you, find another man that could accept you for who you really are.. but its also nice to look fit and healthy. =) hope this helps..
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 It's called emotional blackmailing. It is what a person does to get control over another and use them to their pleasing, without showing care for that other person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): well for me, I always want to keep myself as attractive as possible for my partner, I see it as part of loving him and because it also makes me feel good about myself. I think it's disrespectful to one's partner to not maintain yourself for them. It's saying they are not worth your time and effort to take care of yourself.however if my partner wanted me to change my appearance in a way that I myself really didn't want to (like to get cosmetic surgery) then I wouldn't be OK with that. If his idea of "attractive" is similar to mine then I'm only too happy to maintain myself for him, and similarly I fully expect him to maintain himself for me. But if his idea of "attractive" is not something I agree with, and furthermore is difficult for me to change, then I woudln't change JUST for him. instead I would conclude that this relationship is not meant to be because you can't make someone be attracted to you if you don't fit their idea of what attractive is.I think you're walking a fine line here. On the one hand, part of showing respect for your partner is maintaining yourself for him, and similarly you should fully expect him to maintain himself for you. (my husband was fit and trim and muscular, then gained 90 lbs after we got married and never lost it and it's been 10 years, I have felt deceived and cheated and still do. Yes he has emotional issues that led to his weight gain. He's not doing anything about them. Yes this has affected our intimacy because I just cannot feel any physical attraction to him no matter how hard I try.).Maybe your bf is being honest with you even though the truth can be brutal. If he's not physically attracted to you because you've gained weight, that is honest feedback and it is affecting the relationship even if he were to keep it to himself. He can't change those feelings, but you can change your weight. It's up to you. If you feel you shouldn't "have" to lose weight for him, and that he "should" just accept you as you are - well you are entitled to that opinion but the reality is that he can accept you but doesn't mean he will or even can feel attracted to you. So it's up to you if you want to change yourself according to the feedback he's giving you, or if you want to move on to find someone who will be attracted to you without you having to change. Both are equally valid and it just depends on how the rest of your relationship is.
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A
female
reader, bubblegum12  +, writes (13 June 2012):
if he said that then he isnt worth having. he should accept you the way you are and if you do reduce your weight it should be because you want not because someone else said. just ask yourself. if you are happy with yourself then he should be to. there will be other guys who like you for who you are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Because he is an asshat?
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A
male
reader, Ayan Ganguly +, writes (13 June 2012):
 If you want to love somebody than love yourself first...so are you comfortable with the way you are?? if it's yes ignore what the world says and if its no then do something about it..so if you feel you are comfortable with your weight and that your legs can carry you the way you are then tell your man to ****off if he insists you on weight reduction..take care
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Why would someone say like that ??
The person who said this is an unmitigated JERK!!! DON'T listen to him.... AND don't believe that he "loves" you...
Hold out for a nice B/F and you can be sure that you'll encounter one sooner than you expected.....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, Discovery +, writes (13 June 2012):
Is he your bf or just someone you like? Polite or not, I think he is just telling you his preference and what he is looking for. You're entitled to do what you want and he is entitled to err, want what he wants. Sounds like this is an important issue for him so it's up to you whether you think he is worth it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): "If i really love him, I must reduce my weight ? Why would someone say like that ??"
Because he's a rude, inconsiderate, immature, egostistical, selfish pig.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 June 2012):
 I disagree about the motive about being concerned about her health. When that's in play, the guy usually says "I love you...", not "If you love me". It's a selfish end, not an unselfish one.
The whole "If you love me" implies that he wants her to do it FOR HIM, not her. He wants her with less weight, and is trying to manipulate her to his end. This benefits him, not her. Just ask him what he would do for her in return, and if it's "I'd be more attracted", or "I'd have sex with you more", show him the door, because it is a selfish end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): That's rubbish plain and simple. The problem here is - if HE loved you, he would be happy with the way you are, not be with you, claim to love you, but expect you to become someone you're not. If you want to change something about yourself, you should do it for you, not for other people.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 June 2012):
 30 is not young but could still be inexperienced. Or, it could be spoiled.
FA
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female
reader, bearN +, writes (13 June 2012):
bearN is verified as being by the original poster of the questionguy's age - 30 years old .
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 June 2012):
BearN,
Some people, when they are young, get the foolish notion that if they love someone enough, the other person will change for them. They will stop smoking, stop drinking, stop cheating, lose weight, change religions, or any number of things. This simply is not true and unrealistic. People make those kinds of changes it is true, but not for that reason. They do it after they are loved, not in order to be loved.
I'm concerned about my wife's health and she is concerned about mine, but we don't pester each other about deserts. We do exercise together. That is the right approach. Support instead of nagging. Unconditional love, not conditions before love.
FA
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A
female
reader, uroboros +, writes (13 June 2012):
if he really loved you he wouldn't say that!
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A
female
reader, you are not alone +, writes (13 June 2012):
Sometimes when we love someone, we do our best to be loved back equally and at times we may need change for a different number of reasons. e.g. Issues that may make it difficult for others to be with us, change for the better. But for one to change phyisically for the desire and satisfaction of another is very questionable.
You may ask yourself why? Is your weight being a health problem and he loves you so much he doesnt want to lose you to some health problem? Even then their are ways to go about it.
People feel love in diff ways. One of them is loving someone in everything they are. Mind, body and soul. :)
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 June 2012):
Someone would say that because he is superficial. If he really liked/loved you, he would like you as you are.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Why would HE say it? I don't know
why others might say it:
1. they love you and are concerned about your health
2. they are not attracted to heavy women and want to be attracted to you
personally my response would be "if you really loved me you would not care what I weigh" because I'm going to be honest and say that MOST of the time when men ask us to lose weight it's because they prefer thinner women.
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