A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Dear Cupid,I've been in a relationship nearly 4 years - 3 of which my bf used online porn most days, even perusing it while I was asleep naked a metre away from him, even though I was always happy and curious to explore our sex life. We fought badly, nearly broke up countless times... He eventually stopped, after I made one of the greatest sacrifices of my life, but it has changed me, mentally and spiritually I feel damaged. Am I the only person who sees the moral degradation becoming so accepted in society? Who believes viewing "f*****g" online detracts from the lovemaking and sex (two diff things) you get to share with your partner?I know from this and other sites how many women suffer this. What I want to know is how many men out there - of any age - share what I feel? Who don't use/ rely on/ aren't aroused by porn or who have moral objections to it.I'm in my late 20s, I don't want to 10 years down the track have children to a husband who stays up all night looking up teen porn or any porn. Is this the reality of relationships and marriage for women?I value my sex life. I value my heart, body and mind. I don't share those things with just anyone. I have so little hope left, I need to know if there is anyone out there who understands and feels this way.Thank you for reading.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (20 June 2012):
I dont find it "degrading." As long as the person doing it is of age, they make their own choices of their own free will. If they are ok with it, thats up to them.
Like most things in life, moderation is key. Although I dont see anything necessarily wrong with it per se, the fact remains that people only have so much energy. If someone is spending 2 hours a day on porn, they are not going to have much energy left to be with their partner, which can lead to problems. Further, like anything that provides short term pleasure, addiction can result.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you anon male reader. I do hope I find a man with your maturity in this respect. I really do think it's highly inappropriate past your late 30s to be looking at women less than half your age and I certainly will never be up on the shelf replaced by them! I intend to enjoy my sex life til old age and with a partner who is a willing and active participant!Candycane, honey, I think you should leave. If he hasn't stopped, definitely leave, but even though my bf has (at least I don't have the heart to go snooping and find out otherwise) a part of me wishes I'd moved on when it got that bad, that I'd be free to find someone more like me. My bf has said that too, but initially he was also more open about his attraction to other women and getting to look at things that are "sexy", so I could never tell if or when it was about me or them or always both :( He might genuinely be thinking about you but who is to know if that's just a line or what some guys do or what most guys do, who knows! I say leave, unless you are madly, madly, stupidly in love (I only say that because we are all stupid for loving people who hurt us). Rip it off like a bandaid. Maybe I wish I had.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): I am the person who responded on June 15th. To answer your question, I am 42 years old.
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female
reader, Candycane1234  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 I only know of one boyfriend I had who had porn on his computer but didn't use it. I had another boyfriend who didn't seem that bothered but he didn't have a computer and wasn't that sexual.
I don't know about the degrading thing. I believe the only person being degraded is the one in the video and they know what they are doing. There isn't anything wrong with looking at porn when you are single as long as it is legal. You are not hurting anyone. I can understand it's appeal for using it as a masturbation aid. You can get some porn where it is romantic and female friendly aswell.
My current relationship is on the rocks because I can't stand the fact my boyfriend used it in a relationship with me. He claims he was using it to think about me but I think he's lying.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 June 2012):
 It's a study by the Kinsey institute with around 13,000 participants. Some men don't use, and some will stop if they know it bothers their partner.
If you haven't, I really recommend visiting my profile and looking through those links. Especially http://www.yourbrainonporn.com may be helpful for talking to your partner. I think if he has so thoroughly made you feel hopeless about this you may need to consider ending this relationship. Whether or not his porn use takes away from your sex life, he is putting porn before you in terms of your feelings/mental health and that's just as bad.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 You don't need a man who thinks porn is degrading in order to respect your feelings. A men can enjoy porn and stop it for you because he loves you and finds no need for it because he is with you. To hope for the small percentage of moral men is to lose the battle already and I think that's unnecessary. Your guy (ex) really worked numbers on you when you have this pessismistic attitude about love.
If a man always chooses to watch WWE over spending time with me, I don't think of wrestling as degrading, I don't second guess my importance in the relationship. I just tell him I am not getting what I need in the relationship therefore we need to end this. My instinct would tell me men and women are two halves of a whole, and that we complement each others' lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAdded my unfinished answer by accident! Thank you person12345, HappyPlace, Liberty.S, MikeEa1, janniepeg, anon male reader and anon female reader for your much more helpful responses. Just curious how old you are, anon male reader who responded on 15th June?
I'm yet to find a male who really shares my thoughts on this issue but I know they're out there - funnily enough, the only ones I've come across are academics. Wouldn't have anything to do with them being THINKERS, now would it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I couldn't have said it better. I voted to remove your comment, Cerberus, because it was cruel and unhelpful. Dear Cupid chose the subject line, not me. I would not have put "degrading" in it because I know it would attract responses such as yours. Thankfully most people who posted are more mature than that.
I don't need to be convinced, told to get over it or have "all men like porn" slammed in my face anymore - I suffered that enough from my SO. I posted because I want to be given some hope, some understanding. I want to hear from men who AREN'T interested in it/AREN'T aroused by it/grew out of it/have moral objections to it etc. etc. I've explored every line of thinking only to come back to the same conclusion - it doesn't sit well with me to have a partner who uses it. I don't want to be constantly second guessing his attraction to me, what he's thinking, what got him off that day, why he'd reject me for sex. It's unhealthy.
person12345, where did you find that statistic?
Thank you LibertyS, MikeEa1,
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 June 2012):
Some porn are degrading, some are not. The problem is not porn, it's your boyfriend spending all night watching it and not considering your feelings. Moderation is key. I would dump a man who watches sports game all night over a man who watches porn occasionally. None of the men in my life had been addicted to porn, so don't lose hope. When my brother was 15 we found a big bag of XXX movies under his bed, there were a few underage ones. He stopped when he had had enough because there isn't anything new anymore. He is the gentlest guy I know. He is even afraid of his wife.
If you want to dump him, dump him. Don't stay with him thinking that all men are like this. If they are all like this what's so bad about being single. Really if all men are sex addicts buying to the new trend of degrading women I think I will try lesbians. How many men have you been with? If all the men in your life were addicted to porn, that has something to do with your choice of men.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): Cerberus, you know very well that she is talking about porn being degrading to women, and you know very well that the majority of porn IS degrading to women. I often read your posts and I respect your opinion, though I don't often agree with it, however, please don't twist this around to something that it's not. If porn was just two people simply having "sex", I think men would get bored after a while watching....let's get real...and all those references that you are comparing porn to? No, she is talking about just porn. It does not make those situations any more acceptable, but they are irrelevant to what the OP is talking about.
Look, bottom line, porn is a problem in the majority of relationships and it's far more uncommon for women to be accepting and embrace it, because it's degrading and not intended to stimulate women. Many women hold higher standards for themselves and their sex life with their partners. They have no interest in being raped, or gang raped, gagged, multiple penis's in every hole, heads forced and pulled back and forth, being slapped in the face, ejaculated on face, etc., etc., etc.....and when a man uses these kind of visuals to get off...something has gone terribly wrong in our society...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): How is sex degrading? So two people having sex is morally degrading is it? Because that's what porn is, two (maybe more) people having sex, and you think that's degrading why?
Because they get paid? Well what's difference between that and picking up a person in a club, buying them drinks to get laid? It's degrading to watch others have sex? What's degrading about it? not all porn is about degradation of women. Watch Louis Theroux's latest documentary on it, it's very informative.
Do you think it's any worse than say boxing, or mma where two people are paid the beat the living shit out of each other? It's okay to watch two other people punch the face off each other? Which is more morally wrong, sex or violence? No need to answer I know that violence is more acceptable than sex and nudity. There are pictures in all the newspapers lately of that guy who had his face chewed off and the bloody corpse of the guy who did it beside him, that's okay, we can show pictures of 100's of dead Syrian children and that's not morally degrading but if those papers had a picture of a naked man showing his penis they'd be banned and that's apparently a step too far. It's morally wrong to show anything sexual, the most natural thing in the world, the nude body is banned from anything mainstream and people say porn is degrading too. It's a strange world we live in when sex is considered morally degrading, yet exploiting the corpses of people who were brutally murdered to sell newspapers is perfectly fine.
Basically OP I use porn, my girlfriend does too and you're basically calling us both morally corrupt assholes. It doesn't detract from our sex life it enhances it in many ways.
As an answer to your question there are plenty of men who don't use it or watch it, some may even find it morally corrupt like you do, but a lot of those would be religious nuts because they're the only ones who really find the act of sex as a morally corrupt one then again who knows, we do still live in a society where pictures of a man's penis and a woman's vulva are extremely more disgusting in the mainstream media than a dead baby with half it's head missing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): There are a whole lot of men who don't watch porn. It's not that they aren't interested or didn't in their youth and single days, but they have far more important things in their lives, such as girlfriends/spouses, raising a family, etc. when they get older. There comes a time when it's no longer appropriate, and one hopes a man matures to a point that they realize these women could be their own daughter's and you begin to see porn very differently.There is nothing wrong with standing up for what you believe and expecting nothing less from your partner when it comes to porn.Personally, I liked to watch once in a while, but it's been so long, I can't even remember when anymore, nor so I really care. I have a loving spouse for 14 years now and three children heading into their teen years. There is no place for porn in our lives. I know my wife would be crushed and it would hurt her deeply. I would never do that to her, as I respect her too much. I have no complaints about our sex life, and when I want to masturbate, I can do so in the privacy of my home, well, when I can find some privacy with three kids....These men who watch on a regular basis, at any age, have way too much time on their hands. And any man who puts porn over their partner has a problem.
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female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (14 June 2012):
 I totally agree with the male reader that posted. I can see my boyfriend writing the same exact words. It is simple release for guys. Being tired after work ect... Porn is an easy way to "get off" and being physical is sometimes just tiresome. Have you ever watched it? It is fun and interesting to see what other people think is fun and sexy. It's sort of a "high" actually. I never see the guys in the videos and think "Man, I wanna get me some of that" lol! I like seeing how men touch and want women, that is awesome to me! I think you should give your guy a break and lighten up on him a bit. Yeah, there may be a few men that don't watch porn. I think because it may be against their religion, or their wives are threatening to cut their balls off ect... :# BUT, I know that every guy craves it just as much. I wouldn't worry about it. :=)
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male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (14 June 2012):
 men are turned on by porn. there is no question about that. but it can become addictive and inappropriate. it sounds like your man is addicted. porn is not real life and consequently is a waste of time. I would always prefer a real woman to porn and a complete relationship to a purely sexual relationship. I'm sure most men would feel that way if they thought about it for a while.
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female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Hey, I understand your pain. My bf used it initially but I, like you, felt spiritually bereft and you are right, almost mentally damaged by the whole thing. I remember when I found an image he had looked at, I was so distraught I ended up self harming to try and alleviate the pain I felt. I tried watching it with him, but alas that wasn't going to work. He was given an ultimatum of no porn else I walk, and as far as I know he sticks with this. Back to your question. I certainly know of a few guys that don't watch porn and don't like it. I think these are the spiritually enlightened ones who adore and respect women.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 June 2012):
About 25-30% of men do not use porn regularly, for various reasons. There are certainly men out there who share your beliefs. I have many articles on my profile about this that you may find helpful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): Have you had a non-confrontational, open, honest, and non-accusatory conversation with your boyfriend about why he feels the need to view pornography? Have you asked him what he feels is missing from your sex life that causes him to watch porn instead? Have you discussed your feelings with him? I'm sure he realizes you are upset, but if you don't let hom know what you are upset about he is just going to keep his distance (thinking you are mad at him and don't want to have sex) when really you are mad at him because he doeasn't realize you want to.
Personally, i don't think porn is degrading unless someone in the image/video is an unwilling participant, or the behavior depicted is illegal.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): I like some porn. I find a lot of it degrading to women and I don't like that kind.
I would rather have sex with my GF over porn any time. She knows I look at porn sometimes. She does not mind because she knows my porn use doesn't take anything away from my sex life with her. All it does is give me some relief when she doesn't want to play.
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