A
female
age
26-29,
*fiwereyou-x
writes:Hi:) my question is about having children. I'm 17 years old,and have been in a relationship for just over a month. This is not my first relationship. I am,by no means,considering having a child right now,but in the near future,possibly. Me and my boyfriend,19,have discussed this many times,and he would like a child at the age of around 21,22 whereas i would like to start trying at 19. A conversation we had yesterday,was him concluding that if we were living together with a stable income when I turned 18,we could try. I was thrilled by this. We both have dreamed of becoming young parents. I do know it'll be far from the picnik I fantacise over. I would like to have a future,I'm starting college in september to study law,english and graphics,and have thought about uni afterwards. However,having a baby at 18/19 would obviously interfere with this. I'm not 100% of what I want to do when I'm older,and wpould put having a baby before my prefered proffession. I am adopted,and have never had a relationship or bond with and of my blood family,so having my own child is the most important thing in the world to me,and I really can't wait until I've finished uni,it all seems too far away. Also,on the shallow side,me and my boyfriend are very good looking,so the child would be blessed to have us as parents. My question is,what would you do,were you in my situation. I'm not after parental advice,I have taken that into account already,I would be grateful for help and advice for me personally. Also,it would be helpful to hear from young mums,advice on how to cope with a baby and every day personal life,as well as a career and education. Thanks in advance :) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): I was 19 when I fell pregnant, my situation is slightly different to yours as me and my fiance make quite a lot of money (which without a doubt helps, being able to go into a baby shop and buy clothes or a new pram or a travel cot without even giving it a second though rather than having to save up for it.) But, like me, you will have a lot of the same experiences. It is hard work, it is harder than you could ever imagine, if I could do it again I would wait until about 25? The things I find the hardest are- having the sheer freedom to actually be ill and lay in bed when you are sick, as you can't do that with a baby, it is undeniably horrible trying to care for a baby when you are ill. Constantly having no 'me time' I have no peace, no quiet, I can't even have a bath for longer than 5 minutes. The sleepless nights, if you want to see what that feels like (especially when the baby is young) after you go to bed, set your alarm for every 2 hours and actually stay awake for half an hour - an hour at a time (as this is how long it used to take me to get my baby to settle) also, completely losing all self esteem in the looks department as I have stretch marks and loose skin all over my body. The friction having a child causes between me and my fiance, even if you think you agree on everything in regards to raising your child, when you actually have the baby it changes, things that weren't issues become issues, it's unbelievably stressful and couples have a 50% chance of breaking up after having kids. I love my baby, more than anything, I want to protect and care for him no matter what, but if I could do it again, I would wait.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 I was a mom at 24 and that was probably a good age. At 19 you are still really a bit of a child yourself.
You talk about a stable income but what kind of income would you two have… without proper schooling you will be severely limited in what you will be able to do and how much you could earn.
How do you cope with stress? Do you buck up and handle it or do you break down and need help?
How do you cope with pain?
How do you cope with lack of sleep?
Can you manage 3 days without a shower, without doing your hair or makeup covered in vomit and feces with a sick kid and a partner (I would prefer a husband but you youngsters don’t think marriage is mandatory for parenting like I do) who is never there because he has to work TWO FULL TIME JOBS to help support you and your child who is so stunningly gorgeous but will grow up with the same impulsive genes his/her parents have?
Do you see that wanting a child at a young age without being financially prepared (i.e. education and secure ADEQUATE jobs) is selfish?
Let’s talk reality:
Define stable job…. Let’s say it’s 50K a year I can assure you that 50k a year if you live simply will work… one old car, limited vacations, not eating out, etc…
How much is housing? If you say you will live with others, I’m sorry that’s really not a good plan with an infant. What if the baby is sick? I see a tired overwrought teen mum walking the floor at 3 am with a colic ridden baby who screams all night (I had one of those) and a partner who yells “shut that kid up I need to get some sleep so I can get up at 5 and go to job one… then work till 3 and go to job 2 so I can support you and the kid…. And btw I have no clean shirts for work! You don’t get the chores done”
And then of course what you want at 17 is not what you want at 25 or 30… trust me on this one….
And if you break up then what? Are you going to be able to be a single mom? I did that too.. but I had lots of help and a great involved dad…
there is a calculator to show how much it will cost to raise a child
I picked my region I picked a high salary (around 90K per year) and I said NO to paying for college...
http://www.babycenter.com/cost-of-raising-child-calculator
It's still nearly 12k per year and that's not counting a mortgage if you own your home...
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 June 2012):
You seem to have given a lot of thought to this, and, apart from the bit about the child being blessed because of the looks of its parents, which say nothing about their abilities as parents, you have some very sensible thoughts. What’s more, you understand how challenging and difficult being a parent will be, which is a great start.
I would urge you, however, to consider finishing your studies first though. If you go to university, you’ll probably be aged around 22 when you complete your studies. That gives you plenty of years to have babies! In today’s job market, there is a need for ever-more skilled people, and so you would be doing huge damage to your career prospects if you don’t get the education that you’re capable of attaining. So to get that stable income, and a place of your own, you’re better off getting an education. Why the rush?
Hopefully, some of the mums on this site will be able to give you some pearls of wisdom from their experiences to give you a stronger indication of the highs and lows of being a new parent. However, if you do have such a love of children, don’t wait until you’re ready to have one of your own, or rush to have one before you’re ready. Try to learn as much about children as you can, and get used to interacting with them through other means: spend time with children in your family, maybe look for voluntary opportunities to help out with children’s groups in your area or even consider working in the sector. You can get a wealth of experience before you have a child of your own. There are so many good reasons why you should wait a few years to have children, and maybe that seems so tough because you can’t just put it to the back of your mind for so long, but you don’t have to drop it and forget your interest in children in the meantime. You can find ways to make children a part of your life whilst still enjoying the advantages of being child-free for a few years more.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Finish college first, find out what you want to do and at least set the foundation of your CAREER.
Nowadays, to raise a kid, or more than one, you don't just need " some money " or " a job ", you need a decent level of consistent financial stability, if you want to give him/her at least what you've got yourself growing up ( a college education, in your case ) or possibly even better , as it's normal for a parent to want.
That's the real blessing you could give your child, not looks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): Finish up school first and be established before even planning a baby. My daughter was a surprise to us both but luckily we were both very well of before getting pregnant, I see a lot of friends around me who are struggling with just one baby. They are costly and time consuming altogether, so you would need to gain a little more patience and I know everyone says oh I baby sit, that's totally different from having your own baby. Also with you two being together for only a short time I would be planning to move in together or something first so you two don't ultimately rush into something you are not ready for again see that all the time.
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